To think they are my sibling? (DNA results)

[PeanutButterFalcon]

Hello,

I have done an heritage DNA test and have been linked to someone with a 100% chance they are a close relative (niece/nephew, grandparent, grand child, half sibling).

I have looked at my family trees and there is no link that I can see to their family. If I go back further, I would imagine, our DNA wouldn't be such a strong match. Over 25% of our DNA matches and we have the longest segment length of over 150. Although I'm not sure what the segment length means.

I cannot but help think one of my parents have had an affair and they are a sibling. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. Are these tests reliable? How would we even go about working out if we are? I cannot ask my parents if they have and I do not think they would be honest with me anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

I would do nothing, I can’t see what’s to be gained by from it. But then I would never have done the test in the first place. Non-paternity runs at about 10% in this country, and always has. Previous generations deserve their business left in the past as far as I’m concerned.

This. I would leave it alone - if anyone had wanted you to know this information they would have told you.

There are a few half siblings/illegitimate/secret children in my family. Sometimes these these come out and sometimes they don't. I can't say that knowing has added anything to my life.

It does sound like a can if worms

Is there any possibility someone was adopted and kept a secret ?

You mention an affair but you also mention that DF left after you but came back..? It's not clear but isnt it entirely possible that he fathered one more children that you and your mum/ siblings don't know about, and vice versa?

Or your mum does know but can't bring herself to accept it?

But it's out now. The OP knows. The half sibling knows. I'd say the half sibling did this test as a fishing expedition.

Sit on it for a week or two @PeanutButterFalcon you don't have to decide what to do right away.

It's true that if someone had wanted you to know, they would have told you, although they may have been prevented by a third party. I don't personally see why their opinion has to mean the next generation follow their (probably self interested) wishes though. I am sure there are many situations where someone would rather keep another child outside wedlock secret, but if half siblings wanted to have a relationship why should they be prevented by the parent's guilt or inconvenience? It might be different if, as if often the case, other family members will find it difficult, but it isn't clear if that is the case here. I had no idea non paternity ran at around 10%....presumably that is non paternity the father and/or child doesn't know about? That's way higher than I would have thought. Ancestry DNA testing is going to be causing a lot of drama...

In the midst of this, I just want you to know, OP, that you’re not alone and it’s very, VERY common for something like this to happen. In fact, so common that AncestryDNA put this in their privacy statement: “You may discover unexpected facts about yourself or your family when using our services. Once discoveries are made, we can’t undo them.”

There are numerous news and opinion articles on it as well, that may or may not help you think about what you want to do. I think this is a good article about the whole situation:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/18/your-fathers-not-your-father-when-dna-tests-reveal-more-than-you-bargained-for
It includes a good quote about why these tests should provide more support for people like you who discover these “surprises”:
“People are being flung into these situations that are ethically extremely complicated and perhaps stressful, and they need to be able to manage it.”

I’m sorry this has caused you stress and remember, there is no one “right” way to handle it, so please don’t feel that kind of pressure.

Im on ancestry and my aunt (fathers sister) is also. Im connected to her through longest segment 117 and CM 1750. Unsure what these actually mean though hope they help in some way

Is it possible that either your mother was an egg donor or your father was a sperm donor?

That would explain the results without meaning that your father cheated.

OP please think very carefully before you make your next move

If this is a half sibling of yours it opens a can of worms than you cannot then close. It may be a secret belonging to either of you parents and it could change your relationship with your family forever

Quite a few posters have commented about your father fathering a child elsewhere, but keep in mind there is also the possibility of it being your mother’s secret, which could change things for you

Don’t barrel into this any further without a lot of thought

It doesn't have to be a "secret" child though. If your mum and dad were apart while they were conceived it might have been an accidental pregnancy from a one night stand that your father didn't even know about.

@lyralalala OP said the person is a fair bit younger than themselves.

How do you think the mother would have had a secret baby with her family/other children around? Surely OP would remember if her mother had been pregnant and had a baby that was a fair bit younger than her?

[quote StoppinBy]@lyralalala OP said the person is a fair bit younger than themselves.

How do you think the mother would have had a secret baby with her family/other children around? Surely OP would remember if her mother had been pregnant and had a baby that was a fair bit younger than her?[/quote]
I didn’t say the mother could have had a secret baby. What I was getting at, subtly, is that the fact there is a half sibling doesn’t necessarily mean the father had another child.

It could also be that the OP’s father was not actually her father. That has potential to change relationships in the OP’s life massively if that was the case.

There is also the (less likely) possibility that the OP was born to either of her parents, but someone else in the family. Depending on how old the OP it was until relatively recently quite common for illegitimate children to be taken on by an Aunt or other relative in some families.

She needs to be aware that there are possibilities that could impact her more than just her father having a random one night stand that brought a new sibling.

Errr... I saw a programme about ancestry kits and they were found to not be all that accurate and the recommendation was to not bother buying them...

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/tBX9dq9V9qWV687ddP6lK9/dna-ancestry-kits

Choose wisely what you do with the information you've discovered but if it's not accurate you may open a can of worms for nothing.

Just to add, a friend's sister said she had 'never quite felt part of the family'. She was redhead; the other siblings weren't. The two of them went to have paternity tests and discovered they were only half sisters and that their mum had been having an affair for over 10 years. Sadly both their mum & dad (their original parents as they knew it) were both deceased so their only answers came from this 'other father'. Then who do you trust for the correct version of events?

Good luck OP!

[quote PeanutButterFalcon]@gingerfreckles that's what I got the family tree out for. I really don't think that's possible my maternal grandparents would of been 70 and my paternal grandparents had already passed away. I've gone back as far as great grandparents and cannot see anything that suggest this. [/quote]
It happened with my grandparents. My father was 12 years older than my mother. His mother died when he was a baby and his father was in his 60s when he died. My father was in his late 40s when he married my mother, his parents had died by that point. My mother’s parents were around 70 when my parents married.

OP leave this alone. Just because you are nosy/intrigued it doesn’t mean you have the right to potentially turn a stranger’s life upside down (unless it was for medical reasons)

The other person may well have done the test to try and find relatives. They may contact you. My sister and I have both taken Ancestry DNA tests in order to try and solve a couple of family mysteries. We are one down, one to go and have helped a distant family member with his questions too. We did give mum a warning we were doing it, although we are alike enough to have been taken for twins well into our teens, so weren’t too concerned.

It doesn't sound like it could have been your mum, especially as she has a child within months of the other child. It's most likely to be your fathers child I think.
And I dont think that just because your parents didnt want you to know then you shouldn't find out, that's bonkers. Maybe reach out to them and ask if they know what the connection could be?

It may be that this other person did the test because they had doubts/ unanswered questions.

Be careful here OP...if you have stumbled on a secret it may not be your immediate family secret i.e. your father, you, your siblings. If you have uncles/aunt, it could be their secret or maybe a child given up for adoption. In those circimstances, it should be a privacy matter & would be very unfair & could be very traumatic to reveal someone else's secret.

You just need to be prepared for what could come out and the person may not have any idea. I know of a family friend who was having an affair and the OW got pregnant two months after his wife. Was a secret fir many years but exploded when the children were adults

I'd be too intrigued not to try and find out what happened.

You can have nieces and nephews who are younger than you. Just so you’re aware.

Sorry, that should be aunties and uncles that are younger than you. D’oh 😀😀