To think they are my sibling? (DNA results)

[PeanutButterFalcon]

Hello,

I have done an heritage DNA test and have been linked to someone with a 100% chance they are a close relative (niece/nephew, grandparent, grand child, half sibling).

I have looked at my family trees and there is no link that I can see to their family. If I go back further, I would imagine, our DNA wouldn't be such a strong match. Over 25% of our DNA matches and we have the longest segment length of over 150. Although I'm not sure what the segment length means.

I cannot but help think one of my parents have had an affair and they are a sibling. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. Are these tests reliable? How would we even go about working out if we are? I cannot ask my parents if they have and I do not think they would be honest with me anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

@GrimDamnFanjo this is it although mums still alive I don't think it would affect our relationship too much, she's been quite honest (or so I thought) about her relationship with my dad and how it wasn't always the best and my Dads passed away a long time ago. It would probably affect the other person more than us.

@LouiseTrees my mums one of two and was very much wanted. I don't think my Nan would have given away a twin but always possible. My Dad was from a larger family (he's in the middle) so if they gave his twin away I would of thought there would be less children after - more adoptions. Both sets of grandparents are no longer with us so I cannot ask and cannot see any other births registered the same year. We have an unusual surname both sides.

@MomToTwoBabas are you in contact with her now?

@Onceuponatimethen I'm not sure. I talked to my sister about it today who's agreed to do a DNA test. I'm not sure how my mum would take it if I asked if she's cheated. She knows about the match just not how Close.

@HalfSiblingsMadeContact I'm looking in to that now. I'm not sure my dads side could afford sperm donation although there's a chance it was done illegitimately I guess and he's from a large family so they would of needed a lot of donations. Again they couldn't have lived further apart from records I've seen.
My mother's side was natural or nothing and had children later in life due to this. My nan openly talked about her struggles to me and I would of thought she would of said about this. I'm one of many so unlikely but not impossible for us.
Originally it was fascinating that there's so many relatives in places we didn't know about but it does identify more than we know.! If you do decide to look further I hope it goes well.

@Womencanlift I'm not 'excited'. Yes I would like to know but I have previously mentioned I want to get my head around things before talking to the other person. I've also said I'm aware it could be much more damaging for them than me and if they don't want to look into it then that is fine too. I'm not going to assume they want to know as well. I have thought the best option for them is their parents hadn't yet met but from this thread I have found an older sibling so that can't be the case. The more I look into things and know the more I will know how badly this could affect them and whether to proceed.

Thank you everyone for your support and ideas it's hard to respond to everyone. To add I have already sat on this for about a month and can't get it out of my head but don't know what to do next. I think getting my siblings a test may be it because then they wouldn't find out if their father is mine. Although it could go the other way.

To add I'm in my later 20's. I did think about their father being mine but they have an older sibling conceived the same time as me at opposite ends of the country. Nothing is impossible. I was hoping their family were not together and I could of been the product of an affair by my mum as this would be least damaging to her family.

It's nice to hear people positive stories and finding family.

To add we have shared matches I don't recognise and cannot yet see from family research. There's some I recognise from my mothers side who they do not match with.

As much as there are many variations on what this is, it could be a child of your fathers, it could be you and not your fathers, but I think the key thing here is your mother refused to look at her and brushed it off.

If my daughter came up with that I’d have been all, no shit, let’s have a look. Completely intrigued. I’d not refuse to look at the woman ans brush it off.

So I suspect your mother knows exactly who this is.

@Bluntness100 (your name is perfect and I love it)

I agree, I think she definitely knows more but I don't know how to ask further without either upsetting her or damaging our relationship. She knows I'm looking in to it and she also knows I don't easily give up (although I will if and when I message the other person and they say they do not want to know).

These kits seems to be causing a lot of anguish

If she wants to tell you she will but it’s not just her story to tell

I’m sure many of us probably the majority will certainly have an older member of our family that does not have the parentage they thought they had and many of us will have unknown siblings

A child tracing parents is a different matter to reaching out to a half sibling

I think you need to let your Mum know how close a match this person is before you start getting your siblings to also do DNA

Give your mother a chance to tell her story first, with the actual facts, before adding more to the pot

I hope you find out who this person is, *@PeanutButterFalcon and it doesn't cause any pain. Your mum sounds scared.

I've looked at the family tree which is at my mums and she has said they could be related via this person etc and I keep saying it would suggest they're much closer than that.

I don't want to just suggest either her or my dad cheated without knowing more first

My daughter has a half brother and half sister that she knows about, they know nothing of her. She doesn’t want to “open the can of worms” of making contact with them.

I bet they’d wager their soul that they don’t have a sibling right in between the ages of them. My daughter is older than her half brother, younger than her half sister. Don’t trust your family, trust the science!

Just tread very carefully. Sometimes family history is buried deep to protect the living and innocent, and should be left where it can do no more harm.

It does sound like this person could've resulted from your father. Can this person see the results too? I wonder if they will start doing some digging and reach out?

I think your mum “refusing to look at her” is the biggest clue you have here. As said, it’s not a normal reaction. She doesn’t want to look for only what can be a negative reason.. It’s someone she’s blocked out. Someone she doesn’t want to see. Doesn’t wish to acknowledge. There is no other reason, basically normal curiosity would have you looking and questioning.

I’d see if she will look again, ask if she looks like anyone your mum knows, see if she still refuses to look or is uncomfortable. I’d then maybe back off if she is. Because then it is very clear she doesn’t wish to tell you.

If your mother coildnt have been pregnant there is only two options.

Either this is your fathers child. Or you have a different father to whom you thought, and rhe father of rhe match is your real father.. I think the latter is unlikely. As your mum would still look at rhe woman out of curiosity .

So I suspect your father had another child, at some point when he was “away”, and your mother knows. And that’s why she can’t even look at her.

Whilst the ethnicity element of these tests can sometimes be off, the DNA matches aren’t.

I made discoveries via DNA testing and have zero regrets. A child has a right to know, if they wish to, where they came from IMO.

OP we found out that my grandads mum wasn’t actually his mum and his dad got someone else pregnant and she gave him the baby and raised they raised him as her own.

Messed up the family tree completely!

@CatSmith I wouldn't of said my dad was the most trustworthy although my mum does let slip parts of stories that wouldn't make sense so maybe she is protecting us.
It's great to have an insight from the other side. Thank you.

@2bazookas I'm going to do everything To ensure as few people as possible get hurt.

@lavenderlove I am guessing they can. I would assume if we are related they are probably doing similar and looking into it before contacting me.

@AbbieFB that's what I've read online. Although I suppose there is room for mistakes.

@Potterpotterpotter funnily enough we have found similar from our family tree. My Grandad was born out of wedlock and raised by his aunt. We have both his birth parents, half siblings and details of the family who raised him. It makes for a large family tree

@PeanutButterFalcon

There are support groups online for people who receive surprising news from DNA testing. Maybe you or your mother might like to join one?

Hi
Just wanted to add I've been through something similar recently after doing a dna test through ancestry.
It transpired that my dad isn't my bio dad. And that I have a half sibling.
Massive shock.
Only myself, my husband and my mother know.
I hope you're OK. Please allow time to process this all.
I found out during lockdown and it consumed me for a while wanting to know all about my 'new' side of the family. I have now put it to bed for the time being to protect certain family members from heartache.

Good luck with it OP.

Be careful - my blood father is adopted, and I have a 1/2 brother just 3 months younger than me. Sadly my half brother was adopted away while my parents had an unsuccessful shotgun wedding.

My father had both my mother and another girl pregnant at the same time, it does happen. It wouldn't surprise me at all if I found out I had many more siblings around the country.

@Willitjuststop sorry to hear you've had an unexpected result. If you do not mind me asking does your half sibling know? And how did you approach your mum about it.

@81Byerley

I know how much my children have valued the relationship they have with their half brother, whom they found out about as adults (My ex husbands son by the girl he went out with before me), so I'd say go for it!

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a woman one day. She said "I always get a shock when I see that man over there. He's my cousin, and he looks identical to my late dad". I said it's funny how these family resemblances come out in different generations" and she laughed and said "Yes, the problem is, he's not on my dad's side, he's the son of my Mum's sister" .

Whoops!

That woman - I wonder if she ever put two and two together...?

@Sacredspace

Perhaps you were fathered by their father, rather than them being fathered by yours?
Could that be why your father left soon after your birth? So what I’m saying is perhaps it was your mother that had an affair?

Very possible....

I thought this when the OP said her mum wouldn't look at the picture.

Anyone who puts their DNA on the site, should be prepared for anything...and I totally disagree that the OP is selfish.

I would never put my DNA on there. I have all the family I need, although having watched long lost family (USA)... you can still be traced via other family members uploading their DNA.

All very interesting.

Good luck OP, what a difficult situation.

OP my thoughts are that you and your sister are your dads secret 2nd family.

Him “working away” Could easily be time back at home with his 1st family and actually working and time with your mum was him “Travelling for work”.

That would explain why your mum refused to look at the photo as she knows and doesn’t want to explain.
Maybe she didn’t know at the start of her relationship with your dad but did eventually find out

@MimiSunshine I would imagine we would be a difficult family to be a secret. I have quite a few more siblings and all my dads family know about us. Although again It could be entirely possible they were in on the secret.

Him working away could be to see a secret family or potentially my mum used it as a cover up for separations knowing he would eventually come back. Thus, giving them both opportunities to see other people. I wouldn't necessarily be the product of an affair then.

I have asked my sister to do a test as it should be able to identify if we are half or full siblings. From there I will be able to work out if there dad is mine or if my dad is there's I'm guessing.

In the meantime I'm going to see a friend in the week and ask for her assistance in contacting the possible sibling. I think a non biased third party will help with what to say without causing upset.