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AIBU?

To think they are my sibling? (DNA results)

245 replies

PeanutButterFalcon · 20/09/2020 00:15

Hello,

I have done an heritage DNA test and have been linked to someone with a 100% chance they are a close relative (niece/nephew, grandparent, grand child, half sibling).

I have looked at my family trees and there is no link that I can see to their family. If I go back further, I would imagine, our DNA wouldn't be such a strong match. Over 25% of our DNA matches and we have the longest segment length of over 150. Although I'm not sure what the segment length means.

I cannot but help think one of my parents have had an affair and they are a sibling. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. Are these tests reliable? How would we even go about working out if we are? I cannot ask my parents if they have and I do not think they would be honest with me anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

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MountainPeakGeek · 21/09/2020 18:12

I don't think they could be an aunt/uncle. My mums parents were never apart from each other and too old to have a child of her age. My Dads parents were not alive when she was conceived. There's always the chance I could be their aunt which just wouldn't make sense as we're quite a distance apart and I do not think my Mum would take in another child when my brother was so unwell.

No, I agree that it's not at all likely that you're her aunt as you'd need to be her full aunt for that degree of DNA match, i.e. one of her parents would need to be a full (and unknown) sibling to you, sharing both of your parents DNA. So it really does look like she's going to be a half sibling with the same dad as you. I hope this works out okay for you both, and for your mother too.

AbbieFB · 21/09/2020 18:51

Maybe message her and tell her the surnames of your parents and grandparents and ask if any of the surnames are shared.

Hope it all works out well for you.

Squoon · 21/09/2020 19:41

I find this all very fascinating, i hope it all has a positive outcome for you OP.

I haven't done any dna tests but do wonder what it would bring up. My great Aunt had a child she didn't want to keep (she was married but it definitely wasn't her DH's) so her sister (my nan) took the newborn baby boy in. She was 7 months pregnant with my mum at the time. Apparently great Aunt had another baby boy at some point that she gave up for adoption. We only learnt this a few months before my nan died at the age of 90. Its amazing how long people can keep family secrets for.

PeanutButterFalcon · 21/09/2020 20:41

@MountainPeakGeek from our conversations so far I don't think they have got this far into thinking about how we might match. If they get there and want to look further then I'd like to. If they don't then I have to respect that and I'll know from my sisters DNA if it's her dad or mine. I think the best situation for both of us would be our Dads have had the affair (although technically not an affair for my Dad) however it means one of our mums has had to.
I would be upset my mum hasn't been honest with me as we do try to be open with each other but then again I have not asked her directly.

We seem quite a like in wanting to know but it sounds their upbringing was much more happier than mine and I don't want to disrupt those memories.

@AbbieFB we've just been talking about our families and looked at each other's tree so far. I can't see anything recognisable and neither can they.

@Squoon I think affairs and illegitimate children even now have a huge 'negative' association. I can imagine every families have secrets they do not want shared. So you have an uncle who is really your mums cousin! I'm guessing they all know about it now?

OP posts:

WildNorthEast · 25/09/2020 21:45

Do you know how long it will take for your sister's DNA test to get back?

Monday55 · 26/09/2020 17:29

Sorry OP I skimmed through all the possibilities that have been mentioned since my last post. Not sure if this has been mentioned but is it also possible that someone donated sperm for quick cash ? To fertility clinics?

FeedtheFish123 · 26/09/2020 17:43

My husband is my FILs best friends son.
We discovered this via a similar DNA test. looking at DH and his what we thought were full brothers and his 'new' half brother it is obvious to now we can't believe we missed it.
Sadly, or maybe thankfully the parents have all passed away before we found out but as the two families were brought up together and DH was taken by FIL and his best friend to see the best friends parents we do wonder if all the parents and grandparents were aware and only the kids didn't know.
We had always considered them family anyway so it hasn't made our day to day lives different but it has been difficult for DH to come to terms with without his parents to explain. He said it felt like grieving again, he doesn't understand why he was lied to, he wished he knew while they were all alive but is also glad they are not.
So I wish you luck, it is a tough road to tread.

Aknifewith16blades · 26/09/2020 17:49

OP, just as a thought, I'm seeing a lot of mentions of possible affairs here, but nothing about rape. While I would hope that isn't the case, it's good to think through all the possibilities.

LadyEloise · 26/09/2020 19:15

FeedtheFish123
Wow that was some discovery.
Is your DH the eldest ? The youngest ? Or in the middle ?
What were his parent's relationship like.
The wife of his bio father - did she know ?
Do his real siblings/ half siblings know ?
So many unanswered questions.
The main one being why.

Onceuponatimethen · 26/09/2020 19:42

I guess in @FeedtheFish123 scenario it could also be a known donor sperm donation due to believed primary infertility or actual secondary infertility

PeanutButterFalcon · 26/09/2020 22:33

@WildNorthEast the test should hopefully arrive within a week or so and then it can take up to 2 months for the results so we're in for a bit of a wait.

@Monday55 I have thought about this. I would be surprised if my parents had used sperm donation considering I'm one of many. It wouldn't surprise me if my Dad was short of money and sold his at one point (maybe more).

Still in conversations with the other person but they still haven't mentioned being a sibling so I'm not going to ask about sperm donation unless it comes up. No adoption in their family that they know of either and none in ours.

@Aknifewith16blades I hope it's not rape as that would mean one of our Dads is a rapist which would be awful.

@FeedtheFish123 what a shock for your DH! It's so many emotions to take in. I'm guessing his DF wouldn't of known otherwise they possibly wouldn't have stayed friends

OP posts:

Bigfatpicnic · 27/09/2020 21:18

This is fascinating. I really hope you find out the truth, without the collateral damage.
Maybe they are tip-toeing around the obvious questions too; as they don’t want to open a can of worms for you. It’s difficult, but your sister might hold the DNA key to this.

PeanutButterFalcon · 29/09/2020 08:47

Sisters DNA test has arrived. Need to arrange visiting her to do it.

OP posts:

Arthersleep · 29/09/2020 11:15

Thanks for the update. I'm invested in this thread.

Onceuponatimethen · 29/09/2020 11:26

@PeanutButterFalcon unless the best friend agreed to help @FeedtheFish123 HD’s parents to have another baby?

PeanutButterFalcon · 02/10/2020 12:53

@Onceuponatimethen I guess it depends on who came first!

Test has been sent of today so we just wait for the results now I guess. Still talking to the other person, we sound very similar and they also want to know what's happened

OP posts:

PeanutButterFalcon · 02/10/2020 12:54

Off

OP posts:

Onceuponatimethen · 02/10/2020 12:56

That’s exciting op!!

Am I being stupid? Why does it depend who came first? Could be primary or secondary infertility?

DilysPrice · 02/10/2020 13:47

It could in theory be secondary infertility but while I can imagine turning to a best friend for informal sperm donation if you were desperate for a first child surely it’s very unlikely that you’d go to such extreme lengths for a third child.

Dugsbollox · 02/10/2020 14:15

However it turns out, OP, I wish you all the best.

Eryouwhat · 02/10/2020 20:09

The mind boggles at what these tests have uncovered.

PeanutButterFalcon · 02/10/2020 20:57

@Onceuponatimethen I agree with @DilysPrice. Also, I would expect it to be more likely for friends/family to help after having their own children.

Thank you, half of me wants to know and half of me doesn't now but if I leave it I know it'll forever play on my mind. I think it's just nerves of potentially finding out something that's been kept a secret for so long.

OP posts:

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time4anothername · 04/10/2020 13:58

Hope you are OK OP. Having just watched my 25 siblings and me on iplayer and read this www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/i-found-my-siblings-thanks-to-23andme it seems like there will be more and more of such discoveries as IVF and other fertility treatments have grown so much over the past 35 yrs.

PeanutButterFalcon · 09/11/2020 22:38

Update: my DS DNA results are back and she's definitely my sister so I have all the answers I need. If the other person wants to look into it further I'll support them.

Spoke to my DM about it and apparently there's a few children my DD fathered before us (products of their parents affair with DD) so she said she wouldn't be surprised if there was more.

OP posts:

espressoontap · 10/11/2020 19:26

@PeanutButterFalcon

Update: my DS DNA results are back and she's definitely my sister so I have all the answers I need. If the other person wants to look into it further I'll support them.

Spoke to my DM about it and apparently there's a few children my DD fathered before us (products of their parents affair with DD) so she said she wouldn't be surprised if there was more.

Oh wow OP. How do you feel about that? Are you going to speak to your sister?

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