How would you feel if your Dh did this?

[Autumnsunshineday]

So imagine whilst out you go to a sandwich shop with your dc and Dh. Dh agrees to go in and buy the food while you wait outside with the dc.

You ask Dh to get you a cheese sandwich, second option would be a chicken sandwich or any other type of sandwich. The dc choose a sandwich each too. Dh wants a sausage roll.

Instead of sandwiches your Dh comes out with a sausage roll each for everyone. You don't like sausage rolls, you never have. So you tell your Dh you don't like sausage rolls. He then tells you that the shop had no sandwiches, and you're just being fussy. You question the fact that a sandwich shop would have no sandwiches, at all, but your Dh insists they had no sandwiches at all, the shops useless, they've run out of sandwiches, he even asked them to make one but they wouldn't.

So you say you'll nip in yourself and get something else, your Dh then tries to stop you, berating you for not just eating the sausage roll.

When you go into the shop, they are actually fully stocked with every variety sandwiches. Turns out your Dh just couldn't be bothered to pick up the different sandwiches.

"Overwhelmed" my arse. He just couldn't be bothered. My dad used to treat my mum like this. It's one of those things where you think (or are told by the perpetrator), "it's only a sandwich" and worry you're getting something minor out of proportion, but it isn't small at all - it's indicative of a lack of respect, care and kindness.

Id be serving him a sausage roll for dinner every single day for a fortnight and telling him that Tesco was useless and had literally no other food.

He sounds a complete twat.

Were DC miffed that they didn't get what they ordered too?

He's just tight. Sausage rolls are cheaper if you buy 4. Certainly cheaper than a sandwich and 3 sausage rolls. Perhaps he thought you'd take one for the team?

Didn't expect such strong replies. Wasn't sure if I'd be told I was overreacting to be upset over a sandwich.

Just to answer a few questions.

Asked why he just says he got flustered in the shop and went for the easy option and didn't think it mattered. Can't/won't explain why he lied other than to cover up getting the wrong stuff.

We're not short of money but Dh can be a tight wad, so possible he quickly went for the cheap option.

He honestly isn't usually horrible, lazy or rubbish. Unless I'm just a terrible judge of character. He does his fair share of everything all round. He is rubbish at thinking/remembering.

It's just the lying. When I say lying it's say for example his parents asked to visit but we had already made plans to go to the cinema. He'd tell them we had plans to go to the trampoline park. He'd say it's just easier to say that. But it makes no sense, it's a completely pointless lie iyswim?

Makes me feel that lying comes too easy.

My DH does that for similar reasons..
The reasons don’t matter. There is a point where the trust is gone because you never know iif this is the truth or a lie.

He honestly isn't usually horrible, lazy or rubbish.

He was on this occasion.

It means you know that he can and does lie to your face for convenience. It would make me not trust him.

And also, how can you not like a sausage roll

Ex used to lie like that, it got to the stage where if he told me the sky was blue I would go to the window to check.

Not why he is an ex but its a fucking relief not to have to live with that anymore.

My ex took the kids to a bakery and got me lunch of a sandwich he remembered I liked. And he’s a ex. Are you sure you still like him?

It actually amazes me that men like this can get someone to want to marry them

he is rubbish at thinking/remembering

I would think that is his problem. I think people being so dismissive have no idea what it's like to have problems with executive function.

@Singinginshower

he is rubbish at thinking/remembering

I would think that is his problem. I think people being so dismissive have no idea what it's like to have problems with executive function.

I dont think anyone is being dismissive of having issues in that department, but how come he ended up going in to the shop.

Surely if he knows that he will forget the list, simply say so and ask the OP to go in?

I personally find small lies worse than big lies. How on earth are you going to believe anything he says in the future if he can lie about sandwiches.

Hm. I had a lovely friend a few years ago. Compulsive liar, I finally found out. It destroyed the friendship - I just didn't know what was true, couldn't trust anything she said. I mean, I am particularly pedantic about honesty, but this would really piss me off.

Time for a proper chat with your dh, OP? Explain why it has upset you, see what he says?

Perhaps he thought you'd take one for the team?

Why the hell would she? OP doesn't like sausage rolls, she's never liked sausage rolls. He knows this. She's not going to suddenly decide to eat one because it was Buy Three Get One Free is she? Would he eat something he has never liked just because it was on special offer - and money was no issue? Not likely.

Just feed him sausage rolls for ever meal.

I fucking hate liars. I would be fuming.

God I hate men.

Unless that was somehow meant to be funny, one of these posters seems to have understood the problem completely and the other appears not to be quite that astute.

Sausage rolls are also cheaper than sandwiches so he has saved some money. Was it his plan?

Not if he's the only one that likes sausage rolls and he knows this. Then it's a waste of money.

No it isn’t – because the money has bought him TWO of the sausage rolls that he likes, rather than just the one that he’d have had if he cared in the slightest for his wife. That’s assuming that the children like sausage rolls, mind – if they don’t, he’s got himself top value for money, and it only came at the expense of his supposed loved ones going hungry.

WhereYouLeftIt has absolutely nailed this - it's about so much more than just being flustered and getting an order wrong.

@ButteryPuffin

Was it the sort of shop that asks you what sort of bread you want etc too? I'm thinking he just felt overwhelmed in there

And yet we still have the gender pay gap. Incredible.

Fabulous!

Sorry OP, he sounds like an utter prick. Sort of functional but a low level arsehole. And you don’t actually sound all that keen on him either. What is the point of him actually? Lots better out there.

he is rubbish at thinking/remembering
Mmmm lots of men seem to be rubbish at thinking / remembering /s eeing. I decided a while ago to stop 'seeing' and 'remembering' where everything was. Interestingly enough after a few 'no I havent seen it/don't know', I was met with an under the breath comment of 'of course you don't'. Oh the energy I have saved! I think you've got a low bar OP, when he realised he was caught out he should have gone back in and ordered sandwiches. What a selfish twat.

It is all about the lies.

I am an inch away from leaving dp for this. He will lie about the most ridiculous things. Usually blaming me in the process for not reminding him or not telling him how to do something. If I have reminded him, he will deny I did until he’s blue in the face. If I catch him in an out and out lie and he knows it he will growl at me. Actually growl. I used to be cowed by that. Not anymore.

Fucking hate lies. And liars.

@Autumnsunshineday

Didn't expect such strong replies. Wasn't sure if I'd be told I was overreacting to be upset over a sandwich.

Just to answer a few questions.

Asked why he just says he got flustered in the shop and went for the easy option and didn't think it mattered. Can't/won't explain why he lied other than to cover up getting the wrong stuff.

We're not short of money but Dh can be a tight wad, so possible he quickly went for the cheap option.

He honestly isn't usually horrible, lazy or rubbish. Unless I'm just a terrible judge of character. He does his fair share of everything all round. He is rubbish at thinking/remembering.

It's just the lying. When I say lying it's say for example his parents asked to visit but we had already made plans to go to the cinema. He'd tell them we had plans to go to the trampoline park. He'd say it's just easier to say that. But it makes no sense, it's a completely pointless lie iyswim?

Makes me feel that lying comes too easy.

This is honestly a trust issue. Obviously it's not ok to lie about, say, an affair, but you can at least follow the logic of why someone would do it. If someone's prepared to lie all the time for literally no reason, or because they truly find it easier than holding four items in their head (three, really, presumably he knows what he wants to eat, and anyway he could have made a note on his phone) and take a few steps across a shop floor...that is a worry. The lie went as far as pretending he'd asked them to make the sandwich. How is that easier than just picking the darn thing up?

It would worry me, never knowing when he was telling the truth or why.

You can never relax or feel secure with a liar . It erodes every bit of respect and love in the end.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"He's not generally a horrible person honestly, but he has occasionally lied about ridiculous pointless things like this. Just makes me feel a bit shit really."

"Occasionally" lied. Are you sure about that? I wouldn't be. You caught him out in this lie, because the truth was just through the door of the shop. How many times could he have lied to you, because he found it convenient to do so? How many times have you asked him to do something and it hasn't been done 'because XYZ' and you've either not thought to or couldn't verify XYZ?

And there's a good reason that it makes you feel shit - the reason being, he's treating you like shit.

Look at the list of lies he told about this one incident.

1. the shop had no sandwiches
2. repeats lie when pressed
3. the shop is useless
4. he asked them to make a sandwich
5. the shop refused to make a sandwich

And

1. He is (pretends to be?) unaware that you don't like sausage rolls
2. He tries to stop you going into the shop to get something else (because then you'll see the truth)
3. He berates you for not just eating the sausage roll (?forgetting? you don't like them). BERATES YOU!
4. He accuses you of 'making a huge deal' over a sandwich when the huge deal is his lying
5. he abdicates responsibility for his behaviour totally with his "well you go in yourself next time, it's very stressful remembering 4 peoples sandwiches"
6. He doesn't apologise for his lies until much later

He is not behaving like an adult, he is behaving like a child. A sulky, sullen child. Everything he did, he CHOSE to do. He chose not to bother about what his three nearest wanted, but to do what was most convenient to him and still got HIM what food he wanted. And stuff the rest of you, because you don't matter enough to him to just pick up the bloody sandwiches you asked him to get and he agreed to get.

Yes, it was a small incident. But it highlighted his priorities, and it seems his wife and his children are way, way down that list. If he's grovelling now, it's because he realises you might now be on to him and be asking yourself how often and to what extent and for how damned long he's been treating you like this. And he's worried you'll prioritise him as little as he prioritises you, and that could be inconvenient and this incident shows how much he does prioritise his own convenience.

And he would now be way, way down my list of priorities. His preferences and convenience would be of very little importance to me now. He'd have to be working very hard and for a considerable length of time to regain my trust.

This!