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AIBU?

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Original poster

live streamed funeral without my permission

201 replies

geeta2002 · 19/09/2020 13:07

my father in law died two weeks ago of terminal cancer, we held his funeral yesterday and as a family decided not to live stream his funeral, all the people that mattered to him and supported us as a family attended. His dying wish was that he didn't want his ex-wife who he hated to attend the funeral, but she phoned the crematorium up and managed to get the live stream set up without our permission. She then passed this onto 'family and friends'.
Myself, my husband and my sister-in-law are very strict with 'broadcasting' our children over social media or any form of streaming over the internet yet this was done again without our permission. My husband is ready to sue the crematorium but do we have a leg to stand on?

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 19/09/2020 18:07

What does your husband think OP? Does he want to sue? Who informed your husband about his mother?

Those going on about the children's images have clearly not seen a funeral webcast. As many have said, you see the coffin, the celebrant, and about 6inches of the back of some of the mourners' heads. It's not in Westminster Abbey with a Dimbleby speaking in hushed tones.

I watched my mother's funeral via webcast in July and would quite have liked to see the people but they don't work like that.

TheSeedsOfADream · 19/09/2020 18:10

Sorry, missed a page where OP answers my questions.

ultrablue · 19/09/2020 18:14

36quince2figs

I’ve recently arranged a funeral of very close family member. I paid for a live stream, and the username/password were ONLY given to me, to distribute as required to those who could not attend/were watching service from outside (due to limited numbers).
Funeral director was very clear that the link would only be given to the person who paid for and organised the funeral.

I did this for my mom's funeral. It has to be requested by the funeral directors, not just someone contacting the crematorium. Obviously it has to be paid for so it has to be the bill payer arranging it

Also it was not live streamed as such,but recorded and I was sent the link to give out so not pubically accessable.

threecatsandcounting · 19/09/2020 18:25

I haven't read the full thread but I used to work in a funeral home and dealt with crematoriums etc. They aren't allowed to make arrangements with anybody other than the person who's named on the arrangement forms and has signed them etc. Unless they have that person's explicit permission in writing. I'm terribly sorry this has happened to you, they have behaved incredibly unprofessionally and I hope you get a resolve

BackforGood · 19/09/2020 19:27

Also, how many of you would be happy with ranom strangers at your wedding ffs (for those who say it's public and by law fine for everyone to attend).

Well, that's not an issue, as "random strangers" don't attend weddings, but I was very happy to see all the lovely people that came to my wedding, who weren't on the guest list for the Reception. I have also been privileged to attend weddings of people I know when I might not have been invited to the Reception. It is really a very normal thing - or was, before the days when more people had a ceremony within the hotel. When people get married at my Church there is often an open invitation to anyone who would like to witness the ceremony.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 19:29

No "random strangers" viewed this live streamed funeral either...

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/09/2020 19:38

@geeta2002

Hiya,

Thanks for all the advice, she phoned the crem up directly and paid a fee. These were not MY wishes, the decision was made as a family with his son (my husband) and his daughter (my sister in law). His daughter did go up and read a poem while carrying her 1 year old son because otherwise he would have cried the place down. Again she said if she knew this was being live streamed and people would be watching it that she didn't know she would not have taken him with her. The other issue we have family that could not attend and did want to watch it but we said we wouldn't be live streaming it because we couldn't say no to some and yes to others, so these people that have supported us but could not attend missed out (yes i know its because of our decision). The thing that hurts the most is that he planned his own funeral knowing he was going to die and we thought we carried out his wishes and I was so proud of us all on the day only to hear this. Plus she didn't even need to tell us, if she kept her mouth shut we would be no the wiser but she had to rub it in.

OP I’m really intrigued by this—are you saying the family used the funeral to settle scores, purposefully excluding anyone they felt hadn’t been present enough in his life? As far as I’m aware people are not normally excluded for being judged not good enough, not present enough in the dead’s life, etc.

It sounds like the family are investing way too much thought and emotional energy into settling scores and using the funeral not as a chance to come together/deal with grief but as an opportunity to reopen wounds. From what you’ve said here it sounds like the ex wife was not the only person potentially upset about being excluded? Why has there been so much drama centred around the ceremony, and why are these wounds getting worse after a death?

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/09/2020 19:41

I still don’t understand what the issue is with the child being briefly visible on a camera, for a video that is not public? This is essentially the same as waking down the street with the child, where you will be captured multiple times on CCTV, be in the background of selfies, etc.

I’m sorry for your loss, but it sounds to me like this whole situation is becoming a massive deal for the family in a way that could hurt your abilitiy to grieve.

lyralalala · 19/09/2020 19:58

It doesn't matter if people agree or don't agree - there is no way the funeral director or crematorium should have allowed an outside party to organise a live stream without the consent of the family organising the funeral. That's completely out of order of on their behalf. Hopefully they'll get back to you on Monday and let you know what the hell the were playing at

There is no legal right to attend a funeral. Weddings only have to be public to allow potential objections. That doesn't apply to funerals and they absolutely can be private.

Florencex · 20/09/2020 05:55

@YukoandHiro

Those who are saying it's a public ceremony are I'm afraid right. Anyone had the right to attend, even if it's not what the deceased would have wanted
No those that are saying it is a public ceremony are absolutely wrong, as are you. Funerals can be private, i.e. invitation only.

I have organised a private funeral next week. I am the executor and as it is marked as private I am the only person the funeral director speaks to and I am the only person the crematorium will speak to. This is necessary because of some very intrusive non relatives.

In any case at the moment all funerals are effectively private because the names of the attendees need to be supplied in advance for track and trace. Anybody not on the list will not be allowed in.

sashh · 20/09/2020 06:09

My husband is ready to sue the crematorium but do we have a leg to stand on?

Check data protection law.

For those saying 'it's public, she could attend' well she could, that doesn't mean she would be allowed to film it and send the recording to others.

Florencex · 20/09/2020 06:30

For those saying it’s public she could attend, well she could..

No she couldn’t. OMG how many times. There are private funerals.

Private funerals have always been possible and at the moment all funerals are effectively private as they are invitation only due to covid.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 20/09/2020 06:38

@Florencex

For those saying it’s public she could attend, well she could..

No she couldn’t. OMG how many times. There are private funerals.

Private funerals have always been possible and at the moment all funerals are effectively private as they are invitation only due to covid.

From a brief internet search it appears you cannot ban someone from entering a public building. If you want a private funeral you can request this to it it just means it won't be 'advertised' as open to all. The person wouldn't be stopped from entering the public building if they showed up (outside of covid rules)
eaglejulesk · 20/09/2020 06:49

I'm not in the UK, but any funerals I've watched live streamed only show the people taking part in the service, the coffin, and maybe the front row or two (but you only see the backs of their heads). I don't understand all the angst about your children tbh - people don't watch funerals online for fun, surely they wouldn't be interested in your children.

I think you need to let it go. Your FIL has gone, he had no way of knowing who went to his funeral, or who watched it, whatever his wishes were.

Alondra · 20/09/2020 06:56

From a brief internet search it appears you cannot ban someone from entering a public building. If you want a private funeral you can request this to it it just means it won't be 'advertised' as open to all. The person wouldn't be stopped from entering the public building if they showed up (outside of covid rules)

The key word is public building. Many people still believe weddings and funerals are open to the public because traditionally both ceremonies were performed in public churches which are obviously public buildings. These days weddings and funerals can be private ceremonies, celebrated in private buildings and paid by the clients who use their services. Even church ceremonies these days can be private if you pay enough.

So no, a funeral is not public and if the deceased or his family paid for the funeral they have the right to be very p off with the crematorium.

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 20/09/2020 07:03

Don't think you could sue however the funeral director or crematorium need to apologise for the mistake that they made. Does this mean anyone can phone them and change the details of any funeral. Just because someone says they are the wife/ex wife of the deceased doesn't mean that it is true.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 20/09/2020 07:21

If she had turned up during normal times would she have been rugby tackled to the ground?
you need to accept that it happened
she wanted closure/to be able to grieve
allow her this

Longwhiskers14 · 20/09/2020 07:24

The crematorium has cocked up. Live-stream funerals are intended to be private ceremonies and it has to be invitation only from the family to receive the log-in and password required to watch. So either your DH and SIL are lying and did give her permission, or the ex-wife lied to the crematorium and they didn't check.

Either way, she is your DH and SIL's mother and she probably thought she was being supportive of her children by 'attending'. Is it really worth causing a massive row over?

CharlieBoo · 20/09/2020 07:25

There is a fee involved with live streaming from a crem, it’s about £40 per funeral. This has to be arranged via the funeral director. You can’t just ring up the crem randomly and say I want joe bloggs’ funeral to be live streamed. Very odd. I’d start with the funeral director you used and see if anyone asked him to organise it.

Therarestone · 20/09/2020 07:26

Who could she have given the link to? A funeral is a personal thing, I doubt anyone was live streaming it to check out your kids.

eaglejulesk · 20/09/2020 07:34

Live streaming obviously is different in the UK - interesting. Here, if a funeral is live streamed you simply go to the funeral director's website and the link is there - anyone can watch it. Well, that's the way it's been for any I've watched.

SionnachGlic · 20/09/2020 08:06

Who of the family is the person the undertaker/crematorium was dealing with. I expect likely a son/dauggter of the deceased. Whomever needs to discuss it directly with the service provider if s/he did firmly & clearly instruct that there was to be no streaming. Everyone having their say can lead to misunderstandings in instructions. There needs to be only one designated contact. Could there perhaps be one child of the marriage sympathetic to his/her mother? The family may have a 'collective' consensus on her role & cast blame but it may not be everyone's feeling on the matter. Often a death allows people to put past grievances & bitterness aside & try to renew bonds previously broken.

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 08:28

Wow that is awful behaviour from the crem. So I could get random peoples funeral live streamed if I call and say I'm related? Not that I would as its bloody weird but wtf.

LadyEloise · 20/09/2020 08:54

I'd be very upset and angry too OP by the total disregard of the wishes of the deceased and the mourners who were organising the funeral.

Is the ex wife the mother of your dh ?

TheSeedsOfADream · 20/09/2020 09:13

@FlorenceX, that really isn't true. Not even in these strange times. At my mother's funeral in July, close friends and family were "invited", of course. But there were a few surprise guests on the day who had neither been informed and/or invited.