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AIBU?

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Original poster

live streamed funeral without my permission

201 replies

geeta2002 · 19/09/2020 13:07

my father in law died two weeks ago of terminal cancer, we held his funeral yesterday and as a family decided not to live stream his funeral, all the people that mattered to him and supported us as a family attended. His dying wish was that he didn't want his ex-wife who he hated to attend the funeral, but she phoned the crematorium up and managed to get the live stream set up without our permission. She then passed this onto 'family and friends'.
Myself, my husband and my sister-in-law are very strict with 'broadcasting' our children over social media or any form of streaming over the internet yet this was done again without our permission. My husband is ready to sue the crematorium but do we have a leg to stand on?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 19/09/2020 15:48

@ZoeTurtle

His dying wish was for somebody not to attend his funeral? Wow.
Wow that you think like this is as it is very clear why.
Original poster
geeta2002 · 19/09/2020 15:58

Hiya,

Thanks for all the advice, she phoned the crem up directly and paid a fee. These were not MY wishes, the decision was made as a family with his son (my husband) and his daughter (my sister in law). His daughter did go up and read a poem while carrying her 1 year old son because otherwise he would have cried the place down. Again she said if she knew this was being live streamed and people would be watching it that she didn't know she would not have taken him with her. The other issue we have family that could not attend and did want to watch it but we said we wouldn't be live streaming it because we couldn't say no to some and yes to others, so these people that have supported us but could not attend missed out (yes i know its because of our decision). The thing that hurts the most is that he planned his own funeral knowing he was going to die and we thought we carried out his wishes and I was so proud of us all on the day only to hear this. Plus she didn't even need to tell us, if she kept her mouth shut we would be no the wiser but she had to rub it in.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 19/09/2020 16:03

I would feel like you do. I can understand your anger

Mama1980 · 19/09/2020 16:04

Honestly I would officially complain and possibly take it further. That is not acceptable at all, especially as regards to the presence of children etc.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 19/09/2020 16:07

Plus she didn't even need to tell us, if she kept her mouth shut we would be no the wiser but she had to rub it in.

And this is why she's done it. It's not going to be easy to let this go but it's obviously what she wants! For you to all feel cross with her on his behalf. Try not to let her get wind of how upset you are - don't feed the beast.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 19/09/2020 16:08

And I don't think your beef is with the crematorium - I think that's misplaced - sorry 😕

IntermittentParps · 19/09/2020 16:14

she phoned the crem up directly and paid a fee.
I don't get this. So there wasn't anyone named as 'executor', for want of a better word, of the funeral arrangements including streaming (or not-streaming arrangements)?
Surely the crematorium should have asked for one party to be the first contact/person in charge? And does that mean any random individual could ring up, pay and get the link to a funeral of their choice? Confused

I think my first step would be to get these questions answered and find out exactly what happened ie who did she speak to, how did the conversation go, what is the crematorium's position/policy on this issue.
Then think about suing, one you're in possession of all the info.

Starwind74 · 19/09/2020 16:15

My sister was hoping to watch the live stream of a work colleagues funeral. couldn’t attend due to number restrictions due to Covid),
However she was told the family didn’t want live stream so she couldn’t.
I believe you usually have to contact the family to get live stream details.
Comments here make we wonder if she could have insisted, and if it wasn’t for Covid could you walk in to a crematorium and attend a funeral uninvited? However I suppose you would have to be very pushy to insist on staying and go against the wishes of the bereaved.

PotteringAlong · 19/09/2020 16:16

The other issue is we do not know who she gave the link to, that was why we didn't live stream it in the first place because we did not trust her.

But what do you think people were doing with that link that means you don’t trust them? Surely there is nothing that can be done with it other than watch the funeral and then it disappears?

YukoandHiro · 19/09/2020 16:24

Those who are saying it's a public ceremony are I'm afraid right. Anyone had the right to attend, even if it's not what the deceased would have wanted

Original poster
geeta2002 · 19/09/2020 16:33

oh yeah just to add, when i mentioned in my first comment about suing that was my husband being hot headed. I know we won't win and it will be money down the drain.
Also i said my FIL hated her, I do not have a positive relationship with her but we are on speaking terms just about. I am positive my DH or SIL did not give her the link because she had admitted to ringing the crem and getting it herself, we confronted her after she emailed us saying the poem that was read out (and she quoted it) was beautiful.
Our personal issue is that if people can't be bothered to keep in contact when you are alive then why bother when you are dead. (These are the supposed friends he gave the link to)
I know we can't wrap our children up in cotton wool but i feel as parents it is our job to protect them as much as we can, as we see fit while we can.

OP posts:
Shedbuilder · 19/09/2020 16:36

Again she said if she knew this was being live streamed and people would be watching it that she didn't know she would not have taken him with her.

I presume she never lets her child/ children leave the house in case people she doesn't know see him/ them? Surely you see how ridiculous this is?

The more wound-up you get about it, the more you discomfort and distress yourselves, the more satisfaction you give the despised exMIL what she wants.

GreenTiles22 · 19/09/2020 16:38

I get it OP, I'd be fuming. But you have to let it go. It's done, in the past.

Grey Rock her (look up the term grey rock of your not familiar. It'll help!).

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 16:53

A lot of crematorium havnt been charging for webcasting(live streaming) so Funeral Directors have just been booking them and giving details out to anyone who calls.
And why not? The idea that anyone would gain access for nefarious purposes is risible.

TheQueef · 19/09/2020 16:58

Fifteen years ago I was banned from my brothers funeral by his new wife, even sent me an official looking letter warning me of trespass Hmm so I called the crem. Back then if there was a service to attend and it was in a public building you can't stop people attending (same applies to weddings apparently) I attended the funeral (with the other banned family) and there was fuck all she could do, she even asked the FD to get rid of me before the coffin came out of the car.
I'm not sure if it's changed but I doubt it they were very certain I could go.

Covid rules vary and obviously over rule others at the moment. It's still 30 here for funerals.

Oh and I foolishly attended the wake, new wife/widow lost it and chinned me.

Lineofconcepcion · 19/09/2020 17:00

@thecognoscenti

On the 'sue the crematorium' point - you can't just sue someone for doing something you don't like. Generally there has to be a financial loss which I can't see there would be in this case. GDPR would be a real stretch too I'd have thought - it's not data being shared?
There does not have to be a financial loss in order to take legal action. A breach of privacy can cause distress and embarrassment and there are formulae for quantifying damages. It is very unlikely there is any basis for action here.
DDiva · 19/09/2020 17:01

I would certainly bring this up with the crematorium procedures might be different at the moment. I very much doubt the congregation would be in view.

I dont think sueing will gain anything and is a little ott.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 17:06

A breach of privacy can cause distress and embarrassment and there are formulae for quantifying damages.
There is no expectation of privacy in a public building. The live stream access was given to a (past) member of the family, not put on YouTube.

wigglerose · 19/09/2020 17:12

I'd be upset, too, OP. She's run roughshod over his family's wishes. She should have asked (although my guess is that she knew you'd say no)

Lineofconcepcion · 19/09/2020 17:13

17:06Thisismytimetoshine yes. Read the next line. It is very unlikely there is any basis for action here.

Afibtomyboy · 19/09/2020 17:14

Was the funeral today?

And you are posting this on the day of the funereal?!

derxa · 19/09/2020 17:31

Is this woman your DH's mother or another woman?

Gigglr · 19/09/2020 17:41

This woman is the grandmother of the children who were "viewed"? There's an awful lot of old toxic anger floating around in this situation. The children were not put in danger. That's a complete red herring. FIL may be dead but he's made sure he passed the torch of his anger to his children. No one comes out of this covered in glory. You don't need lawyers - you need therapists.

BritWifeinUSA · 19/09/2020 17:54

I understand your anger towards the crematorium or the funeral director or whoever enabled the live stream. But the ex-wife is the mother of his children. I believe she has the right to see the funeral of the father of her children. I like the Judge Judy quote “always love the children more than you hate the ex-spouse”. Consider it a gesture for the children. Even though they are now adults, it’s nice for them that their mother was a or to see it.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/09/2020 17:54

Is she the children's grandmother? Shock. Wtf?

What harm could have come from her seeing them in a video link, even if they were in the foreground (which they weren't)?

but i feel as parents it is our job to protect them as much as we can, as we see fit while we can. - This is just spiteful nonsense.