Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

AIBU to dislike my niece?

229 replies

abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 12:59

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

OP posts:

Puffalicious · 19/09/2020 00:16

Dog*

CanIHelpYou · 19/09/2020 00:16

@froggygoneacourting

I can’t square the comments about dogs being their babies with the drip feed about the dog being killed.

If someone was responsible for the death of one of my beloved pets I’d never speak to them again, not be starting threads about how, barring the odd moment of near fatal neglect, they’re basically good parents.

It was the dog who attacked OP/her dog that was PTS I think, not OPs dog.

froggygoneacourting · 19/09/2020 00:24

Oh, yes maybe. I assumed the dog that was hurt had to be PTS, but re-reading it I think it was the other dog.

Still, they indirectly caused the death of one dog and injuries to another. I’ve never had a dog but that would make me seriously consider having someone in my life.

Lindtballsrock · 19/09/2020 00:30

Are we supposed to find all babies likeable? I missed that memo.

SmileyClare · 19/09/2020 00:42

Are we all supposed to find all babies likeable that's too vague a summary for this scenario.

Yes I do think an active dislike of a baby from the moment it's born is cause for concern and Op should consider what is influencing her thoughts. Op says she actually "cringes" and feels incredibly awkward when her sil interacts with her baby and can't bring herself to go near the niece or even use her name.

That's a real turn around from being excited about the pregnancy and the prospect of being an auntie. I'm glad Op at least recognises she has an issue here.

froggygoneacourting · 19/09/2020 01:32

There’s a difference between not going gooey over babies, and using the word dislike. A lot of people who don’t have kids/don’t have experience with babies are pretty neutral towards them (or just kind of disinterested/ not bothered) but that’s not quite the case here.

squeekums · 19/09/2020 05:34

Me and dp dont speak to his brother, by extention, we dont talk to dp niece or her new baby. We just are different people and dont get along.
We barely even speak at family functions, be even less now cos i and dp backed my DD when dp niece stared screaming at her for not allowing her ds to take dd toys then scratch at her face. According to her, dd should let it go being 10, well no, claw at my kid and your lucky she didnt push your kid off to the floor

I wouldnt go out of my way to be all "oh baby how cute" It sets up a expectation of i give a shit. I dont
I dont like her older kid being left alone with mine, he a rowdy, undisciplined shit, even dd dont like him.

Given how her older kid is i gather this new one will grow up with the same attitude and i already know that wont go down well.
Its not so much dislike but nipping bullshit in the bud, you can just see how the future will pan out

Go NC OP, much better for all involved

seayork2020 · 19/09/2020 06:16

I am not a gushing clucky 'I have to have babies around me all the time' and have to hold babies or say how cute random babies are.

I love and adore my son but even with him I am not the above.

Sure i love my son more than other babies but all other babies are just there, i will hold a baby and play with them if they are around and have no problems babysitting etc.

But they are just babies

I dont love one baby over another because of their parents and I would never dislike a baby.

seayork2020 · 19/09/2020 06:19

A dog is not a baby and sure i get people love pets but they are not human nor babies or children ues i do find that very odd

squeekums · 19/09/2020 06:30

A dog is not a baby and sure i get people love pets but they are not human nor babies or children ues i do find that very odd

Yeah dogs are BETTER than many humans lol

SmileyClare · 19/09/2020 07:49

so much dislike for a baby but I guarantee if anyone made a comment about your dogs, you'd be ballistic. Op I really would speak to your therapist. You want everyone to confirm to your way of thinking.

I think that comment gets to the root of this. Sil is pregnant, Op is spending time with her and excited about her baby niece. So what went wrong?

It's the treatment of the dogs (Op's babies) as "less" than the new baby. When visiting, sil opened her front door and Op's dog ran out into the road. This confirms what Op is thinking, Now the baby's here my "babies" aren't given the attention they used to get, they've moved down the pecking order.
A resentment of the new baby starts to build and although Op wants to like her niece, her rigid (all or nothing) thinking makes it impossible.

MrsBobDylan · 19/09/2020 08:26

Since it is your husband's niece, she won't miss having an unrelated auntie in her life.

You have built up your potential role in her life to epic proportions OP and seem over invested in wanting to connect.

Carrigfada · 19/09/2020 08:46

I agree with your therapist about your ‘rigid beliefs’ (and your DH’s). I think you should investigate your incredibly rigid ideas about what ‘maternal’ means — you say you aren’t ‘yet’, as if it’s some inevitable developmental stage like puberty, and later you say your SIL, mother of a small baby, ‘isn’t maternal’, so you cringe when she does babytalk etc.

You also seem to think you are obliged to want to coo and dote over your niece. Really, it’s not compulsory. I have two sisters, with whom I get on well. Neither had the remotest interest in my son as a baby. Since he was four or five one sister has built a strong relationship with him, the other continues to be indifferent. Both are fine with me.

Why not try to move past all these ‘shoulds’? You don’t have to feel anything in particular about your niece. You don’t have to be, or expect to become ‘maternal’, if by that you mean fascinated by babies, cooing over prams etc. (I’m not, and I have a child I adore.) You don’t have to have a child of your own. You don’t have to like your ILs.

pilotsprincess · 19/09/2020 09:37

Stay out of this little girls life, she doesnt need toxic people in her little life. on an internet forum calling a 10 month old obese. This thread is low.

froggygoneacourting · 19/09/2020 09:40

Now the baby's here my "babies" aren't given the attention they used to get, they've moved down the pecking order.

Except the parents neglect the baby to the point the baby could very easily have died without the OP’s intervention, and the picture the OP paints of the parents is of people racist and utterly lacking in empathy.

It’s clearly much deeper than two dogs being attacked and killed.

GunsAndShips · 19/09/2020 09:46

@Bluntness100 thanks for the ire directed my way but I was pointing out the common misconception that ambivalence means having little to no feelings towards something. This is the way it has been used on here. It's even been equated to "meh". This is not the meaning of ambivalence.

It actually means strongly contradictory feelings so in this instance, the op both liking and disliking her niece and feeling conflicted. That was not the implication.

I don't need to Google it ta. You can Google this common misconception and reread the thread if you like.

SmileyClare · 19/09/2020 10:03

Yeah fair point froggy Its almost impossible I would have thought to have a close auntie-niece relationship when you cannot get along with the parents on any level. Perhaps there is some exaggeration about the dog nearly getting killed, and the baby knocking over a wine bottle just because there is a lot of resentment from Op towards them and their values.

I do find it quite unsettling to read some of Op's descriptions of this baby not cute, or pretty, obese, I can't bring myself to do baby talk, cuddle her, I feel cold etc, now they have a baby they get a lot of attention on them constantly, I feel angry maybe jealous, I cringe when sil talks to her baby

MintyMabel · 19/09/2020 12:27

"It" was a term of endearment as no one knew and it just stuck. DH's family loved Addams Family growing up, she has a cousin it doll (it's quite weird but funny). So it's a bit of a familial joke.

You have so many excuses for using the term It to refer to a baby. This is my favourite.

I’d be surprised if anyone is buying them. Keep going though, it is very amusing to watch.

MintyMabel · 19/09/2020 12:28

It is rather convenient that the more hassle the OP, the worse she paints a picture of how terrible they are.

Diva66 · 19/09/2020 19:14

This is one of the creepiest threads I’ve ever seen on MN. Please stay away from that innocent baby girl.

LeaLoo82 · 20/09/2020 16:06

@Diva66

This is one of the creepiest threads I’ve ever seen on MN. Please stay away from that innocent baby girl.

You’ve got it in one.

BewilderedDoughnut · 20/09/2020 16:10

I acknowledge my nieces and nephews right to exist but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t like to be around babies and children. They annoy me and they don’t fit it with my (and DH) lifestyle.

We much prefer the company of adults.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/09/2020 19:10

I agree with PP’s that if you’re not interested in/ don’t like your niece and her parents, keep away from them.

This will likely result in not much of a relationship with your niece when she’s an adult- that’s what’s happened with my children and their paternal grandparents- but so be it.

eatsleepread · 20/09/2020 21:38

What a strange and very sad post. I really feel sorry for this child, and hope that you can step up in time. Why should she pay for the sins of her parents?

eatsleepread · 20/09/2020 21:40

And are you planning to one day have your own children?

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10