AIBU to dislike my niece?

[abigailsdinner]

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

It might change as she gets older and you can see more of her personality or then again she might be a carbon copy of the parents and your dislike will grow. Be kind and don't make her sleep in a cupboard under the stairs, send her a birthday and Christmas present and don't dwell on it.

I have zero interest in my BIL daughter, I’ve seen her 3 times in 12 years, yes I ask about her on the rare phone calls, I send birthday cards and Christmas cards but that’s it.

I also have very little interest in my own siblings children my blood nieces and nephews 🤷‍♀️ Buy then I have very little interest in my siblings and their lives.

My friends children (we all had babies within 8 months of each other) I’m very close to, as are they with mine.

Maybe dislike isn't the right word, I simply do not care about her or have any interest in her. I wouldn't get enjoyment out of anything bad happening to her etc.

If it were up to DH, we'd never see DN. I am the one who sends gifts, cards, speaks to SIL, tries to find a relationship.

I just don't think she's cute, or pretty, or anything that she often gets described as. I don't feel ANYTHING towards her. So I guess it's indifference rather than dislike.

You say you want to to have babies one day and class your animals now as your “babies”, and feel they aren’t caring towards your “babies” and express annoyance that they are getting all thr attention now, because they have areal baby.

Is there an envy element here? It’s one thing to not like your in laws, but to react coldly to a baby, and say the things you’re saying about them indicates there is something much deeper going on here.

I think she has already explained that "deeper" element and we can see why she has no feelings just as they don't have any for her.

Why are you trying to force a relationship with people you have nothing in common with and don’t actually like? Your DH doesn’t sound over fussed to see his sister, just let it go. You don’t have to like people just because you are related to them.

I tried initially with my SIL but she’s just obnoxious and her kids while they seem nice enough, we’ve just never been close with them, as it involved seeing SIL. Maybe it’ll happen when they are older, but I’m not really bothered if it doesn’t happen.

You don’t like a baby because of her parents? To say you don’t care about her or have any interest her is awful, she is a baby and it isn’t her fault her parents are shitty

How can you moan that they don’t show any interest in your animals when you’re expressing such a level of vitriol to a ten month old baby?

Get a grip.

If it were up to DH, we'd never see DN. I am the one who sends gifts, cards, speaks to SIL, tries to find a relationship.

I'd stop trying to make all the effort. You can't force stuff like this. Does your husband have much of a relationship with his sister?

I can understand people being indifferent to other people’s children, that’s absolutely normal.

But I find your attitude to this little baby very chilling and I’m very glad she’s only your niece by marriage so hopefully will have little to do with you.

I have a sister who has resented me all my life to the extent I knew that if my child was in danger of hurting herself my sister would not step in, and I think you would be the same OP.

I hope the parents have the sixth sense to keep her away from you.

Please get help.

Not everyone likes babies. I am not sure how I feel about someone actively disliking a 10 month old child tbh...maybe that's just me though?

They can't be likeable or horrible at that age.

I can't stand my sil and I am also quite neutral about her kids. I wouldn't say I dislike any of them though. They're only kids. And I definitely thought they were adorable as babies. Because all babies are to me! But I know that's seen as well uncool in some circles 🤷‍♀️.

Try to see your DN as separate from her parents. Ignore the comments from others who say she’s pretty or whatever. See her as an individual, as someone ‘new’ and who needs protection and guidance.

You mention your animals. Would you have such cold indifference towards a young animal or someone else’s beloved pet?

You don’t have to adore your DN or fawn over her, but some level of care and a kind approach towards her would be nice - for you both, I think.

You should really bring this up with your therapist as this is not a normal reaction to a baby.

Does your DP know you feel this way?

Also, after I had my DS’s I wouldn’t have noticed an atomic bomb explode outside my house never mind someone coming in covered in mud. They had just had a new baby, they would’ve been tired and most likely overwhelmed. Also how is it anyone else’s fault that your dog was attacked?

OP, you sound so self centred it is untrue, so much dislike towards a baby but I guarantee if someone made a negative comment about one of your animals you’d be ballistic. I really would speak with your therapist, as you strike me as wanting everyone to conform to you and your ways Of thinking.

It's pretty normal to feel more interested in the babies of people you like and care for than in those of the ones you're ambivalent towards. Things like how cute you find the baby can be a factor too. I wouldn't sweat it OP - just take a step back, don't try to feign interest in the child, it's wasted energy. You can't force positive feelings about other people's kids, and there's not really any need to anyway.

When I was married I felt the same towards my H's nieces and nephew. Totally couldnt care less beyond being as interested in them as any other children. My own nephews and niece I adore.

Maybe it was, like you, because I didnt overly like my SiL.

But I think you are putting pressure on yourself to like the baby. That wont help your feelings. Just accept she holds no interest to you, nothing wrong with that.

Dislike sounds quite strong.
Not fussed might sound right?
And tbh it sounds like you've fair enough reason to not like the parents so don't stress about not being fussed about someone else's baby. 💐

People are being quite dramatic. 'Chilling' really? OP has expressed nothing that makes me think her real feelings are anything more than meh, and that is enough to make her feel guilty and think there is something wrong with her. Frankly I find the pressure to go gaga over babies is ridiculous. I'm also in a family where everyone without a baby is pushed out, and everything revolves around babies, babies babies, and to be the person in that who is thinking hang on, why am I not also obsessed, is isolating, particularly if you have anxiety conditions.

• Try to see your DN as separate from her parents. Ignore the comments from others who say she’s pretty or whatever. See her as an individual, as someone ‘new’ and who needs protection and guidance.

You mention your animals. Would you have such cold indifference towards a young animal or someone else’s beloved pet?*

That’s a very good point. I wonder if that is the real underlying issue. Her SIL and SIL’s husband being indifferent towards her dog/ “baby” so she feels the same towards her niece.

@abigailsdinner

If it were up to DH, we'd never see DN. I am the one who sends gifts, cards, speaks to SIL, tries to find a relationship.

I just don't think she's cute, or pretty, or anything that she often gets described as. I don't feel ANYTHING towards her. So I guess it's indifference rather than dislike.

Stop trying so hard and give yourself a break

And OP is self centred because they hoped someone would notice she'd been bitten and bleeding? Jeez, new parents don't get a pass to be utterly oblivious arseholes.

I think you need to separate the baby from her parents! Maybe she’ll grow up to be lovely and you can be a good influence.

For what it’s worth, I definitely do love DP’s nephew and niece and feel much the same about them as my blood nieces. But I have known them since they were tiny and see them just as often, if not more often (just because we live closer) as mine.

Disliking a baby due to her parents does sound like an unhealthy level of projection. yes this is not healthy of you. Have dislikes for the parents if you want, but don’t project dislike onto a baby.

OP, you say you 'just felt so cold' towards your niece when she was born. That's terribly sad, I don't understand how it could be so instant , it almost sounds as if it was a decision made before her birth.

I remember a thread about a dh not being invited to a family reunion because they 'forgot' to mention it to him.

If this was you, your problem is not your feelings towards DN. The problem is your dh's family and the way he is treated. On first read you sound jealous but if the background is as described you'd be far better forgetting about DN and the whole lot of them.