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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dislike my niece?

229 replies

abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 12:59

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 20:33

I think this thread does a good job of highlighting that people don't know what ambivalence means

We know exactly what it means,

And what it does not mean, and what it doesn’t mean is saying you dislike an infant, calling them obese, or any of the other stuff rhe op is posting that her and her husband say about this tiny child

Google it. It appears it’s you that doesn’t know what ambivalent means. The rest of us clearly do.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 20:39

It is because we didn't know her gender so we referred to her as "it" in the family

But you know her gender now. And you still refer to this little girl as it.

And every single poster reading this, should think about that. You refer to this little girl as it.

There is nothing that says more about you than that.

imfatletsparty · 18/09/2020 20:44

"And every single poster reading this, should think about that. You refer to this little girl as it"

Think what? I reiterate; unless OP (and her partner) are actually harming this child then why is her disinterest, or indeed even dislike, such an issue? Why does everyone have to swoon and fawn over babies and children?

And as an aside, I've seen countless posts on MN where people refer to a child as "it". No one seems to care.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 20:45

@imfatletsparty

"And every single poster reading this, should think about that. You refer to this little girl as it"

Think what? I reiterate; unless OP (and her partner) are actually harming this child then why is her disinterest, or indeed even dislike, such an issue? Why does everyone have to swoon and fawn over babies and children?

And as an aside, I've seen countless posts on MN where people refer to a child as "it". No one seems to care.

If I, or anyone else, has to explain to you why a child shouldn’t be called it, then you are not someone I wish to ever have to converse with.
LeaLoo82 · 18/09/2020 20:48

As if my comment got deleted for calling OP vile yet this disgusting narrative toward a ten month old baby is absolutely fine. Am I tripping.

imfatletsparty · 18/09/2020 20:48

Did I say that?

CanIHelpYou · 18/09/2020 20:58

I called my own baby 'it' before I knew he was a he Confused

CanIHelpYou · 18/09/2020 20:59

@RedHelenB

I think not wanting to cuddle any baby is weird sorry.
I don't like cuddling other people's babies. Never have 🤷‍♀️ I'm just not that interested in babies. In isn't a crime.
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 21:01

@CanIHelpYou

I called my own baby 'it' before I knew he was a he Confused
So?

Did you call him it at ten months? If not why the hell are you posting like it’s the same thing!

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 21:03

@CanIHelpYou

I called my own baby 'it' before I knew he was a he Confused
Think about what you’ve just done there.

You’ve said it’s ok to call a ten month old girl it

That is what you’ve posted.

Are you sure, really sure, that’s what you wish to tell people? Do you call your son it now.?

IdblowJonSnow · 18/09/2020 21:07

I think you're overthinking this OP.
I'd take a big step back from this family as they sound horrible.
Maybe you'll develop a relationship with this child over time and maybe you wont. It doesn't really matter.

OliviaPopeRules · 18/09/2020 21:09

OP you and your OH should just stay away from this child. Yours and his comments on a 10 month old are pretty disgusting. No 10 month old is obese, it's not late to crawl. The parents don't sound particularly nice, but of course what we are hearing is one sided, if you don't like them don't see them.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/09/2020 21:18

OMG...

Seriously, 'chilling' that the OP has no cause to like or be interested in the child of what sounds like pretty revolting people?

I have zero interest in the children of people I do not know, do not like, find abhorrent.. that probably includes some of you on this thread going by your responses.

I adore my 'god-niece' (I know thats not a thing), because I love her Mum and she's family, and her Mum is a lovely person and a great mum.

I care about my best mates kids, though I do not know them as well so I wouldn't say I adore them.

I don't find it at all weird that theres no squishy maternal instinct for the offspring of the child of someone one actively dislikes, and I certainly wouldn't leap to the conclusion that that meant I'd allow harm to come to that child!

Obese is a fact, not an insult - and yes a 10 month old can be so severely overweight it hampers their movement and possibly delays development. I don't know if that would be classifed as obese and I suspect the OP doesn't either but its not unreasonable to assume thats the correct term nor is it a hanging offence to use it if its wrong!

OP avoid these people, and some of the PP's in here too!

SecretSpAD · 18/09/2020 21:26

My husband is one of three. Both his brother and his sister had children. My husband is the youngest but definitely not the golden child. His family doted on the older brother, ignored the sister and just threw money at her to stay away and ignored my husband.

My sister in law was a fuck up but was funny, clever, intelligent and we were very close. I think it was a consequence of that that I grew close to her children - luckily as we ended up adopting them when she died. They are totally awesome and have all the brilliance of their mother but also strangely like their uncle too.

His brother is a twat. I thought that the first time I met him and think that today - except today I think he's a stupid fucking twat with no idea of the real world. Think Jacob Rees mogg with blonde hair. Yep that's my brother in law. He also had two children who I don't like - and nor does my husband. I think in the early days it was projecting from parents who we didn't like, but as the children developed their ow personalities we realised that we disliked those children because we didn't like their personalities, their attitude, their bullying of their cousins and frankly their plain unpleasantness.

Upstartcrones · 18/09/2020 21:31

I'm hoping this thread is a wind up because quite frankly your attitude is disgusting.

Your DP caring even less shows the measure of the man. Perhaps he's the 'black sheep' for a very good reason.

Do that family a favour, stay away from them and stop judging them. Concentrate on your own life and keep up the therapy. You need it.

BloggersBlog · 18/09/2020 21:36

@RedHelenB

I think not wanting to cuddle any baby is weird sorry.
Weido here then. My own, yes couldnt cuddle them enough. But not anyone's baby, no. I'll coo over it, say how beautiful it is etc, but happy not to have a cuddle.
altiara · 18/09/2020 21:37

OP maybe your dislike of the parents is putting up a barrier to prevent you becoming attached to your niece. At 10 months, they often still have separation anxiety and also on the move so I found I took a step back at that age compared to cuddly newborn stage.

Do people generally not like nieces/nephews from the ‘other’ side of the family?
I love mine. I agreed to look after them if their parents died. Luckily they’re older now as am now separated from DH, but if I needed to look after them I still would, my kids adore their cousins and I love them being close. I also really like my SIL and her DH which helps!

AllsortsofAwkward · 18/09/2020 21:44

Tbh no one views peoples pets as babies they just don't. I think its werid you dislike the baby due to its parents you could be indifferent to a child but you sound like you have issues with youre husbands family and you see that child as an extension. Distance yourself, let youre husband see his family. I suspect there's alot more to youre posts and it would be interesting what you're inlaws and sil/bil pov is.

Pikachubaby · 18/09/2020 21:48

You don’t like the grown ups, so obv it’s hard to like their baby

Why are you confused about this?

Maybe see a bit less of them

Pikachubaby · 18/09/2020 21:51

Is it actually possible to be over the 100th centile?

I thought the scale goes from 0-100?

Is it possible to be fatter than 100% of kids your age?!

SecretSpAD · 18/09/2020 21:52

Why would anyone feel a coldness or dislike towards an innocent baby and say she's not cute or pretty

Easy. Apart from the two I ended up adopting, ive felt that towards every baby I meet. I can't see cuteness - they all look the same to me.
Some people don't like babies.
Most parents I know think their babies are amazing but are pretty meh about others.
There's no rules to say we all have to adore babies. I didn't even adore my siblings children until the last five years when I got to know them as teenagers and now I think they are pretty cool.

Dogs 🐕 however......never met a puppy I didn't want to dog nap and cuddle

froggygoneacourting · 18/09/2020 21:56

I don’t think being disinterested in babies is weird.

I’ve never actually touched or met a baby, so I’m sure I’d feel differently if I had a connection to one, but to me they’re just kind of blobs and not especially cute. I don’t dislike them, I’m just not very interested.

I love and work with children but I’m just not interested in children who are too young to be able to have a conversation. I think lots of people just aren’t very interested in babies.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:01

@SecretSpAD dogs are the greater beings Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:03

@Pikachubaby haha I guess it must be. She is 10 months in 3-4 year clothing. They have to cut all elastic out of socks or they cut off her circulation - little chubster. Parents are bean poles though so she will most likely be athletic and healthy when toddling!

OP posts:
Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:04

@Upstartcrones this has hit a nerve with you for some bizarre reason

OP posts: