AIBU to dislike my niece?

[abigailsdinner]

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

The parents sound like absolute monsters. I would struggle to have any kind of relationship with them, tbh.

If you want advice on how to bond with your niece then the first obvious thing to do is go and spend time with her.

You say when you visit she's left crawling about in another room and ignored a lot?

Go and interact with her, offer to take her to the park, buy her a toy and entertain her with it, play peek a boo with her, try to make her laugh. You have to interact and a bond will develop.

Calling a baby "It", leaving them playing with wine bottles in another room, joking about her obesity..I mean you realise these are not acceptable ways to treat a baby? Why are you surprised that posters aren't finding it funny?

Your in laws appear to have normalised an odd attitude towards their dd to you and you have joined in for some reason. This might be part of your difficulty with fixating on rigid ideas presented to you, which you then accept as fact?
Try to recognise your behaviours and alter them.

If you want advice on how to bond with your niece

Does she though? I'm getting the impression the op was hoping for a full on bitchfest on here, about her allegedly dreadful sil, bil and their baby. Even with the sweetener that we'd get a chance to fat bash!

OP, I've already said it, as have others; if you can't stand the parents and that is now affecting how you see a 10 mo baby, A) yes, discuss this in your next therapy session, B) leave them alone. You don't like them, your bf doesn't like his sister or her family. You can leave them alone and just maintain a civil relationship for the sake of family get togethers, or else no relationship at all. OR, you can keep doing what you're doing, lurking around, making judgements about them all, including an infant. It's unpleasant to pick the latter option, probably for all of you.

"I’m out.

You are who you are. In real life I’d not spend further time communicating with you past this. So you and your husband crack on.

Enjoy your dogs."

Has anyone ever expressed a dislike for your child/children? Because you're taking this really personally.

Wait, don't tell me; you'd never associate with any callous, cold hearted monster who could say anything negative about a child, right?

Wait, don't tell me; you'd never associate with any callous, cold hearted monster who could say anything negative about a child, right?

We can only hope that's the case yes. Because these people who assume everyone likes all children are really annoying!

You obviously absolutely detest this family so better all round if you don’t see each other

Well this thread has escalated since page 1. Your husbands attitude towards his baby niece is a lot more worrying than yours. I'd back right off and go very low contact with them. Calling a baby obese is not on, can babies even be obese?!

@MsTSwift

You obviously absolutely detest this family so better all round if you don’t see each other

Yes, this^^. Much more succinctly put than how I've been saying it.

And I say this (or steal @MsTSwift's words) as someone who does strongly dislike my sil and bil. I never disliked their kids. They're perfectly nice kids. But I can relate to not having a good relationship with your sil and bil for sure! Mine are asshats. So, I don't see them. I don't know how they parent. I don't know their views on anything really. I barely see them. So, no drama needed! Strongly suggest op does similar, for everyone's sake.

Eh? So posters are condoning ops attitude then?
There's not liking children and then there's being completely cold towards a baby, calling them IT, obese, thinking it's normal to leave them unattended crawling around in other rooms.

Treating a baby in this way is reasonable is it then? Because " some people don't like all children". I can't understand that at all. I find it almost inhumane actually.

Isn't the parents' job to stop their baby "crawling off unattended into other rooms"??

im honestly shocked at how many people think OP’s views are okay.

Yes Imfat are you a sock puppet for the Op? But to visit a baby in the family and not even bring yourself to cuddle them, interact with them in any way, or even call them by their name is everything to do with the Op. Those are some personal issues that need addressing.

Punishing a baby for perceived issues with their parents isn't on. Either change your attitude or stay away.

lol, just because I'm not getting hysterical over the OP not actually doing anything to this baby doesn't mean I'm a sock puppet.

Honestly it sounds like the combination of mental illness + lack of experience with babies is creating some worrying belief patterns.

I’m concerned that the OP was the one to rescue the baby from immediate physical danger while the parents did nothing, yet describes them as basically good parents. Ditto the description of them having no reaction to her being hurt and bleeding, and no reaction to accidentally killing her dog. That’s not normal. Either the OP is trying to subtly paint them as monsters while ostensibly defending them, or something is really wrong beyond the OP not liking a random baby.

I'd also be concerned by your dh's attitude to the baby. He's not bothered about making a connection? What an odd comment for him to make about his niece.
Perhaps you both need to think hard about becoming parents. I mean it's fine to devote yourselves to your dogs if you see them as children.

* (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed)."*

The fact you referred to a 10 month old as it is really rather disturbing

I couldn't even read the rest of your OP, that really doesn't sit comfortably with me

you’ve felt cold towards her since she was born. a newborn baby? how can you feel anything negative to someone who has literally just came into the world. i hope you address your issues before you decide to have children.

I agree froggy hopefully this is a joke thread and Op is able to separate thoughts from reality. The events after this baby was born seem quite fantastical, the parents of this baby are described as monsters who dislike Op and her dh yet they are regularly invited to their home, sent photos of their niece and so on.

Strange post. I think you don't like the parents and are as such projecting on the child.

I know what you mean about not liking dns. Both my SILs have a boy and a girl. I love the girls. The boys I really struggle with because they look like their respective dads who I dont like. I have warmed up to one of them because his personality is v different from his dad. Its not something Im proud of and my rational brain tells me its awful, but feelings arent rational. Thats why theyre called feelings.

The general dynamic doesnt sound healthy. I think you should reflect on why you feel the need to make and effort to kindle a relationship with people who show zero concern for you. I thibk you think it would be nice to have a good relationship with family but honestly it really does need to go both ways and they arent interested in you for whatever reason.

This thread's had it all: OP thinking folk will empathise; they don't (mainly); OP gets defensive; the old dogs are babies bit; posters with a different opinion get pulled into personal slurs; OP becomes smug; therapist poster comes on and calls it (Smileyclare) bang on; OP no response.

YABU for calling your dogs your "babies ". A colleague does this and I want to scream in her face everytime. They're nothing like fucking babies. Adorable, yes, a lot of work, yes, but not fucking babies. Sigh.

Goodness me, is Bluntness the SIL? They are taking all this very personally.

I can’t square the comments about dogs being their babies with the drip feed about the dog being killed.

If someone was responsible for the death of one of my beloved pets I’d never speak to them again, not be starting threads about how, barring the odd moment of near fatal neglect, they’re basically good parents.

Where was the dig killed?! It wasn't. OP said they were neglectful.and the dog could have been killed!