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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dislike my niece?

229 replies

abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 12:59

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:08

I don’t think being disinterested in babies is weird

Neither does any one else

Calling an infant you know, “it” “obese”, and saying you “don’t like it’ That’s what people are finding weird.

Don’t worry about reading the thread though. Hope the summary helps.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:08

@Bluntness100 a lot of the time I agree with you but you are so wide of the mark here.

She is a child I have seen a handful of times. Yet for 9 months, regularly, she was called "it". It became a term of endearment and is just how I sometimes still think of her when I'm trying not to say her actual name, which is what I'd call her now, on the internet.

You're being weird here...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:08

[quote abigailsdinner]@SecretSpAD dogs are the greater beings Grin[/quote]
Glad It’s all funny to you op.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:09

@Bluntness100 I didn't call the child obese. So just get the summary a bit more factual as to why that came up.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:10

[quote abigailsdinner]@Bluntness100 a lot of the time I agree with you but you are so wide of the mark here.

She is a child I have seen a handful of times. Yet for 9 months, regularly, she was called "it". It became a term of endearment and is just how I sometimes still think of her when I'm trying not to say her actual name, which is what I'd call her now, on the internet.

You're being weird here...[/quote]
Yeah, I’m the weird one because I don’t call children it. Don’t dislike infants, don’t decide not to connect with them and don’t call them obese.

You do you op. Ok.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:10

@Bluntness100 how wound up you're getting is quite funny, yes. Smiling about dogs being great, not that odd.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:11

[quote abigailsdinner]@Bluntness100 I didn't call the child obese. So just get the summary a bit more factual as to why that came up. [/quote]
No, your husband does. It’s you who calls her it and dislikes her.

SecretSpAD · 18/09/2020 22:11

I think not wanting to cuddle any baby is weird sorry

Then I'm weird. I leg it as soon as a baby appears to be passed around. Can't bear it. Only cuddled - or rather held awkwardly in my arms for the littlest amount of time possible until I can foist it onto someone else.
Can also recommend nursing a hot cup,of coffee or a dog or cat or even pretending you've got a broken wrist....hell, I can write a book about baby avoidance techniques WinkGrin

OP do you really want kids? It's ok not to like them and even more ok not to want them.

Dogs are definitely better.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:12

@Bluntness100 yes you are being weird.

I referred to the child as "it", a term a lot of people still call her when we don't use her actual name because usually anonymity isn't important.

Yes, I explained how she has been called/referred to as obese. However, she technically is overweight. That's just a fact.

I don't try not to connect, I just don't. It's why I wrote the thread.

You're meant to be helpful on these threads, you've instead taken to being purely judgemental and unhelpful. Shock.

OP posts:
Covert20 · 18/09/2020 22:13

Sorry @abigailsdinner but calling a 10 month old “it” is weird. It really really is. And I’m not a baby person. (Apart from my own and nieces and nephews!) but they stop being “it” the minute they’re born...

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/09/2020 22:13

sounds more that you, quite reasonably, dislike the racist parents, and thus are ambivalent about their child.
I'd keep a fair distance from them TBH.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:14

@Bluntness100 your summary is off again, bloody hell.

Yes - DH calls her obese, or has called, not exactly going around saying it for fun. She is overweight.

Yes - I referred to her as "it" in one post which wasn't even what the sentence meant, "it" wasn't even referring to her. But in general, we call her that as a family. It became a joke due to Addams family being meaningful.

No - I updated to say dislike would be the wrong word. KEEP UP.

OP posts:
ChelseaDaggers · 18/09/2020 22:15

You're getting goady now tbh op. This hasn't been a very pleasant read. I don't think you want anyone's opinion unless they are agreeing with you. I hope you'll leave this family alone. They absolutely don't need anyone like you anywhere near them. Would be interested to hear their side.

SecretSpAD · 18/09/2020 22:15

@abigailsdinner I'm intrigued though why no one uses her name? Did the parents hide her gender from you all,or something?

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:15

I don’t do people who are horrible about children op. You come on here and tell everyone how you dislike a baby, how you call her it. And even referred to her as such in your op, how your husband calls her obese, how you slag her off for not crawling yet

So yes, I’m going to come out to play. Each and every time

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:15

@Covert20 I think 50% of the Instagram pictures are captioned with "Baby It" so, once again if people read, not the "it" they think it meant.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:16

You're getting goady now tbh op

Yes she is.

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:17

@Bluntness100 "slag her off" you've essentially taken tiny snippets of information, failed to understand it, and created your own narrative.

I came on here to ask for advice in connecting with a baby. As most people realised, except you. Because you ALWAYS only ever come on to say something "bluntly" because, what, it's your "persona". It's a bit pathetic.

Either offer something valuable or at the very least, read everything properly.

OP posts:
froggygoneacourting · 18/09/2020 22:18

Neither does any one else

Actually, there have been posts on this thread saying it’s “weird” to not want to cuddle any baby or to not find babies cute.

Don’t worry about reading the thread though. Hope the summary helps.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 22:19

I’m out.

You are who you are. In real life I’d not spend further time communicating with you past this. So you and your husband crack on.

Enjoy your dogs.

Covert20 · 18/09/2020 22:20

@abigailsdinner

I think 50% of the Instagram pictures are captioned with "Baby It" so, once again if people read, not the "it" they think it meant.

Uh huh, yeah, cool story bro 🙄

Original poster
abigailsdinner · 18/09/2020 22:20

@SecretSpAD they do use her name! I can't use it here obviously. "It" was a term of endearment as no one knew and it just stuck. DH's family loved Addams Family growing up, she has a cousin it doll (it's quite weird but funny). So it's a bit of a familial joke.

The parents called her a very personal name before they knew but no one else could really call her that, so we all agreed on "Baby it". I think it's cute which is why I found it funny that someone tried to pick up on it as a sign of something else.

OP posts:
LeaLoo82 · 18/09/2020 22:23

What was the actual point of this? To tell everyone how you and your “D”P dislike a baby? To call her obese?

Or did you want genuine advice to gain a bond? It seems more than likely the first.

SmileyClare · 18/09/2020 22:26

Have you been diagnosed with autism Op? You do appear to have a very black or white way of looking at things, you recount events very factually without a lot of emotion or empathy attached. Alongside your ocd and your therapist wanting you to work on your very "rigid beliefs", it maybe that you view the world in a different way to most people.

People not warming to your dogs or treating them as part of your family has clearly deeply upset you. Can you see that you are repeating that behaviour (returning it) by treating your niece with the same indifference.

This isn't a criticism at all but it might help you to understand your thoughts and feelings. You sound very confused.

If you genuinely want to forge a relationship with your niece then that has to go hand in hand with having a good relationship with dh's brother and his wife. Those relationships are intertwined, you can't view them separately.

SecretSpAD · 18/09/2020 22:29

Ok. So it's a nickname then.

I'd go NC with them all to be honest. The entire family seem toxic and with parents like that the kid doesn't stand a chance.