AIBU to dislike my niece?

[abigailsdinner]

Please be kind because I know I sound absolutely awful but I'm looking for help to connect.

For some reason, when my DN was born (DH's sister's baby) I just felt so cold towards her. She is now 10 months. I made all the effort to ensure we saw SIL whilst pregnant, then as soon as baby was born (they live 2 hours drive away) and have seen her a few times. I feel so awkward. I thought that it was because I'm not maternal yet and it would come. But then my friends had a baby and I absolutely love him. I love playing with him, I love cuddling him, I love seeing him grow. So obviously there is some warmth in my cold heart.

I wonder if it's that I resent SIL and her DH, she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but they are quite against my moral beliefs.
I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is 'rigid beliefs' which is what causes a lot of my OCD/Anxiety apparently. For example, they regularly make comments about nurses being unintelligent, not as good as doctors, they comment on ANYONE who is overweight for absolutely no reason, they make sweeping statements about certain religions / ethnicities (i.e. "I know that Nigerian nurses are lazier than British ones, just look at who has called in sick since coronavirus, it's an excuse, you don't see doctors doing that")

They have become uncaring towards anything in our lives or our animals who are our "children" (at present, maybe one day I'll have babies fingers crossed) - for example, they allowed them into a main road off lead when we were helping with the baby. They were lucky to not get hit by a car and didn't apologise. Our dog was attacked by another on the street and I was bitten when we went to get them groceries (to help out when they were exhausted as baby was just born), they didn't bat an eyelid when I came home covered in mud and bleeding. It was surreal.

I find SIL not particularly maternal so I cringe when they make baby noises etc, it feels so awkward. I then can't do it either because I feel awkward and cringe at myself. They tend to sit on their phones a lot and just let DN crawl around in another room until they hear a bang (last time we were there it was playing with bottles of wine that then smashed).

They're intelligent people, they love DN, they're good parents as far as I can tell (minus a few little incidents as above) and the first to have a child in DH's family. As a result there is a lot of attention on them constantly, for example, EVERY single message we send MIL gets a response with a picture of the baby. DH was always treated unfairly to his sister and it's caused a lot of issues along the way. For example, at Christmas everyone met up except him and he wasn't told or invited, they then denied it and said it was impromptu (his other brother lives in a different country).

Basically, I sound somewhat jealous(?), angry(?) but I really REALLY don't want it to affect my relationship with DN and I need to put it aside.

Has anyone felt like this before? DN has done nothing wrong and I want to be seen as someone she can rely on. DH is the same as me but doesn't particularly care about connecting.

I also don't want anyone to think I'm bashing SIL's parenting, I can't parent, I don't have children, I am just stating things that I think may contribute to my weird mindset.

I think you really need to do some self reflection here. Your dislike of your baby nieces parents have absolutely nothing to do with her- she is completely innocent in all of this and honestly?- the level of projection going on here is highly dysfunctional on your part.

This isnt about how the 10 month old feels- this is about the OP demonstrating quite significant cognitive distortions and harmful thinking patterns that WILL affect her detrimentally now and in the future. If you think that this kind of thinking only harms the recipient you are very naive. This attitude is already affecting the OP who admits she feels jealous and insecure and judgemental about this family- thats not a healthy place to be. Jealousy and resentment harm us the most, not the person we are jealous of!

OP- I think you need to sit down and really consider why this family bothers you so much- what does their behaviour or the attention they get take away from you? what does it bring up for you that might be unresolved from your childhood? what are you most afraid this family is revealing within you? only by unpicking this (and in a loving way towards yourself- not beating yourself up for it) will you make any kind of headway in managing these unsettling emotions and overcoming them, or at least- being able to let them go.

Make no mistake- this will harm you in the long run if you dont get a grip of it now. Comparison is the thief of joy.

You don’t have to like her. You don’t have to like her parents. Take the pressure off yourself to feel positive towards her.

Why do you have to like your niece? Why do you have to like anyone, adult or child?

It sounds as though you don’t invest in her because you don’t like her parents which is absolutely fine. I would feel the same.

My SIL has 2 DC, one of which Is harder to bond with than the other, and is a bit spoiled and entitled which makes DN be less liked? The other DN is very engaging.
Some children one feels more drawn to than others, but usually when they are older and their characters emerge more.
If you don’t much like SIL then it will possibly have an impact on what you feel to her baby?
“”Other people’s genetic material is never as precious as our own“”
A quote someone said at a play group- quite true!

I took the the 'it' re bottles of wine to refer to the activity that caused the incident. I don't actually think that a young baby crawling around a room alone until bottles of wine get smashed is a minor incident, that could have had disastrous consequences...glass in the eyes etc.

The parents sound horrible. I am not surprised you dislike them, I would too. I think your feelings towards the baby are obviously unreasonable and total projection of your negativity toward the family. It will be helpful to work through that with your therapist, but I wouldn't worry overly about building a close relationship or trying to force it. It is your DH's family and he isn't bothered, you don't get on with the adults....it sounds like it just isn't going to happen and certainly it isn't worth stressing over. You might find removing the pressure improves your feelings anyway. I feel sorry for the baby girl having parents like that, but there is nothing you can do about it.

Tbh, you all sound like quite unpleasant people (with the exception of your DN, who is just a baby, and your MIL, who sounds like a typical doting grandparent).

Yeah they don't sound nice so I understand why you might not feel strongly about your niece. I'm not sure that your feelings about them are too rigid tbh! Anyway I don't think they have to be a blood relation to love them. Perhaps when she starts to grow and develop her own personality you will feel more positively towards her. Babies can be a bit meh.

I feel nothing towards my partners nephew nieces. It’s nice to see how much he adores them. They’re more like school parents kids or friends of my children. My niece and my best friends daughter I love!!! Completely I enjoy every little thing about them!

Wandering off the point a bit, but some of the answers in this thread have made me genuinely curious. Do people generally not like nieces/nephews from the ‘other’ side of the family? OH and I are both the youngest child of large families. We have a lot of nieces and nephews between us and I love them all to bits, I’m more drawn to some because of shared interests, etc. but that’s only natural. I love them all equally (and would obviously kill anybody who harmed them).

@abigailsdinner

Maybe dislike isn't the right word, I simply do not care about her or have any interest in her. I wouldn't get enjoyment out of anything bad happening to her etc.

This is how I feel about my niece. At the beginning I tried really hard to bond with her, despite the fact I think her mum is a dreadful person and parent. But I just found it too difficult. Her mum would not say thank you for presents, sell them so I never saw my niece play with them, would phone me up asking me for advice and then ignore it. An overall lazy parent who I had no interest in spending time with. I started to distance myself and because of Covid, haven’t seen them this year. I don’t miss them. In fact, I feel less stressed and anxious. I can’t see myself making any effort when restrictions get relaxed. It’s sad I won’t have a close relationship with her but her parents just made it too difficult.

They sound like tossers, OP. You didn't like them before very much so sadly you don't like their kid.

It's nothing you've done! You sound lovely, they sound... not.

Keep making an effort it may change as she gets older. If not, as long as you're nice to her then there's nothing more you can really do. Babies aren't that great - especially when they're someone else's! Wait til she reaches school age and she can have real convos etc.

conversations*

I'm fairly ambivalent towards my husband's neices and nephews

I actively dislike 2 of DP's! But 2 of them are nice and I'm incredibly fond of the other 2 of them. I'd happily have adopted those 2 if anything had happened to their parents.

Not for the first time, I find myself wondering if I'm reading an entirely different thread to most people.

@abigailsdinner I don't think it's too hard to figure out why you don't have warm feelings towards DN. (I know you said 'dislike' initially but you explained in later posts).

BIL & SIL sound like thoroughly nasty people, both in their opinions & their treatment of you & DH.

It's clear you did your best to help out when the baby came (visiting, helping with baby) for no recognition.

I think the problem here is you care more than other people, who wouldn't give this a second thought.

You're dutifully doing all the right things - presents, keeping in contact & now worrying about your feelings.

I think take a step back, from the situation & the family. Be led by what DH wants to do, keep in contact in terms of birthdays or other occasions, if you like but don't worry excessively.

And take many of the pretty nasty 'you're not normal' messages on here with a big pinch of salt. I thought your post was very self-reflective & aware. I think you'll be a great parent, when you decide to have children 💐

@canigohomenow

They sound like tossers, OP. You didn't like them before very much so sadly you don't like their kid.

It's nothing you've done! You sound lovely, they sound... not.

Keep making an effort it may change as she gets older. If not, as long as you're nice to her then there's nothing more you can really do. Babies aren't that great - especially when they're someone else's! Wait til she reaches school age and she can have real convos etc.

Well put canigo

Do people generally not like nieces/nephews from the ‘other’ side of the family?

Sounds like it, doesn’t it? I cannot relate to this. I see our nephews and nieces a few times a year and I have never felt meh or indifferent towards them because they’re not of my blood. I love hearing and seeing how much they’ve grown and hearing about their likes and dislikes. It’s a strange concept to me not to like a baby because of their parents as if the baby has a choice in the matter.

I wouldn't worry about feeling like this.
I'm sure its not that you don't like her. You just don't like her especially. You don't have a bond with her. I dont with my husbands neice and nephew.

I don't think it's that uncommon to feel so indifferent toward someone else's kid is it? You can say 'they are family' but only by marriage. I can understand someone feeling far more bonded with their own siblings children than their husbands.

There's a few kids I feel 'meh' about. I actually find one of my close friends children really annoying and unlikeable (he's older than the niece here). No I don't wish him harm and I absolutely would step in if he were going to do something that would hurt him and I saw. But no I don't think he's cute or sweet or anything like that. I find him really difficult to be around 🤷‍♀️

Not everyone has to like, love and coo over every child in the world.

@phoenixrosehere

Do people generally not like nieces/nephews from the ‘other’ side of the family?

Sounds like it, doesn’t it? I cannot relate to this. I see our nephews and nieces a few times a year and I have never felt meh or indifferent towards them because they’re not of my blood. I love hearing and seeing how much they’ve grown and hearing about their likes and dislikes. It’s a strange concept to me not to like a baby because of their parents as if the baby has a choice in the matter.

Not at all! I'm sure many people love their nieces and nephews from the other side... makes it sound like Star Wars 🤓.

Anyway, I don't really know my nieces and nephews on that side, because my sil is an epic shit, so I avoid her at almost all costs. Her husband is even worse. Her kids are perfectly lovely children, but I don't love them like family, because I barely know them. I thought they were extremely cute as babies. I've never met a baby who wasn't cute!

If it helps, I feel much the same about them as I do my own cousins. Perfectly nice people who I barely know.

Hope that clarifies a bit, as I was one of the people who said I was meh about my nieces and nephews who are my sil and her husband's kids.

@Bluntness100 I am one of those people who sees my dogs as my children. They were never "in love" with my dogs or anything but opening the front door on a main road and letting them go out is outrageous. They would NEVER do that with MIL's dog (who also loves dogs like we do).

Not envious about children, I don't want them yet. But hope one day I can.

Or actually...did I say meh? I think I saud neutral, so perhaps that's different.

@AlrightTreacle yes they used to be close but he says she "changed". In his opinion she turned into a snob.

I'd say he still cares though as he was recently in therapy for his relationship with his family and being the "black sheep" so to speak

@Cassilis ew that's actually a grim comment.

The only reason DN didn't cut herself on smashed wine bottles was because of me running and panicking. She is a baby. I would never ever want her to be hurt. The same way I wouldn't want a strangers child to be hurt.

Don't even try to take it down that route it's absolutely vile.

@LeaLoo82 I had to go to hospital for tetanus and to have my hand stitched. The dog was PTS.

Basic common care for other humans shouldn't be optional.

I would t worry about it too much. It's not like you hate her & wish to cause harm.
They sound like disagreeable people, I'd try to put it out of your mind.

Nice drip feed about the save! I'm generally very open minded but to actively dislike a defenceless baby shows you have an issue, OP.

If you had said you're indifferent to her no one would care.