Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

It's the toiletries I would be in a beef about. Boundaries dear :)

Keep the special stuff in your room in a drawer and anything you don't mind sharing leave in the bathroom.

But her a giant jar of Nutellaas a Christmas present! {to open on the Day...Blimey, Driving lessons are a great present... Lucky her..I had to pay for mine {Tiny violin} but me younger bros didn't...

If we are being 'literal' as many posters appear to be on this thread, look up the definition of 'luxury', chocolate spread is not a necessity but is doesn't make it a luxury. 'All sweet stuff', what so milk? Apples, bananas? Again, they are not the definition of luxury.

Is anyone else triggered by the mention of Nutella?
Haven't had any in years....but now have the sudden urge to get a jar of it.

Is anyone else triggered by the mention of Nutella

I’ve been triggered into remembering how much I dislike it!

Amazed I’m not getting Nutella adverts on this page.

@oakleaffy

Is anyone else triggered by the mention of Nutella? Haven't had any in years....but now have the sudden urge to get a jar of it.

never mind the bloody Nutella.. it's the Bumble and Bumble shampoo and conditioner I would be in a tizz over :)

You're not being tight, OP, she's being grabby.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with her about money and how you have to budget to stay solvent. Explain that if the food doesn't last as long as planned, then your budget is thrown right out.

If she knows you have savings, explain that's what you'll be putting into a pension or similar, and that using any of that money will jeopardise your long-term financial security.

@Goldenbear

If we are being 'literal' as many posters appear to be on this thread, look up the definition of 'luxury', chocolate spread is not a necessity but is doesn't make it a luxury. 'All sweet stuff', what so milk? Apples, bananas? Again, they are not the definition of luxury.

Anything confectionary based, sweet stuff, biscuits Nutella, Ice cream I think of as a 'Luxury' thing.

Not down to the cost, but the empty calories of it.

You say that you wouldn't have received 250 for christmas at 25yo but the value of the help you received from grandparents was way in excess of that.

She's slim and exercising so she isn't overeating, she just has a larger appetite than you, which would be expected given the difference in age between you.

If you're happy to pay for the little dc's driving, then you should pay for your big dd's IMO. Doesn't matter how old they are. If you allow differences in treatment like this, then other stuff like the private schooling the little dc have will start to become an issue. You don't want her to end up resenting them.

ultimately OP, only you can determine the boundaries in your home. So, charge her 'keep' or don't, but until you make this decision, nothing will change. 🌺

@TheDuchessofMalfy

Amazed I’m not getting Nutella adverts on this page.

😂 Adguard?

.But here you go..

I'm off to the shop in a minute to buy a jar of it. Triggered.

"Luxury" does not mean "non-nutritious" / "confectionary"

There are lots of types of food that aren't strictly necessary or nutritious, but aren't luxuries. Some other food items ARE nutritious but are also luxuries.

e.g. a finely cooked fillet steak is full of protein, no empty calories - but most people would agree that it is a luxury. The same goes for something like lobster. A sherbet dibdab on the other hand is pure sugar, but is not a luxury.

@Anordinarymum
I missed the hair conditioner/shampoo bit..
That would be really annoying, too..
😂

God, I don't give a shiny shit what any of my siblings got. Why would anyone else? If they got better than my parents could give me at the time then I'm happy for them.

She needs to start contributing to the household. And she needs to be told, these snacks and foods on this shelf are for the children. Not for the adults, including her.

You're going to have to set better boundaries. She's acting like a child because you treat her as one. You need to have a discussion with her.

Tell her that she needs to buy her own toiletries and be more honest about your financial situation. I agree she may be resentful because her younger siblings are growing up with a wealthier lifestyle than she did. And that sucks.

But continuing to support her is not going to help her grow up. You can't just keep throwing money at her because she feels she had a lesser childhood. She needs to be treating you and your home with respect, and she really needs to drop her entitled attitude. Setting healthy boundaries will go a long way to helping her become a capable adult.

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if I’m repeating what everyone else has said...

She can buy her own groceries/foods/snacks. Give her a shelf in the cupboard and a shelf or container in the fridge. Anything that is not bought by her is not for her to use.

She can contribute a small but fair amount to your food shopping to cover things like milk/bread/meat/veg that will be had communally by everyone in the household.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

"Luxury" does not mean "non-nutritious" / "confectionary"

There are lots of types of food that aren't strictly necessary or nutritious, but aren't luxuries. Some other food items ARE nutritious but are also luxuries.

e.g. a finely cooked fillet steak is full of protein, no empty calories - but most people would agree that it is a luxury. The same goes for something like lobster. A sherbet dibdab on the other hand is pure sugar, but is not a luxury.

It is semantics. It isn't down to the cost, but the 'rubbish' nature of it..wasting calories. We were brought up in a house where anything sweet was so rarely bought, by stepmum that it I was/is indeed luxurious.

A packet of chocolate biscuits was a Sunday or Christmas morning 'Luxury'.

OP lots of people have suggested charging board and I agree. Are you going to do this?

At 25 she should be buying her own food and toiletries especially as she pays no rent

She’s using your luxury toiletries er no. She can buy her own. At 18 TIL I left home I got virtually nothing for Christmas off aunt who brought me up.

As someone else suggested, you should sit down with her and say that now she's got a job, you would like her to contribute £50 a week towards the household bills. Tell her that you love her and love her being there, but that you are currently needing to budget carefully and would appreciate her contribution, as an adult.

Ask her if there is anything you could add to the food shop, that would help avoid her eating the snacks, as they need to be shared. Perhaps try and be positive about the fact that she is trying a bit to be mindful of other people, e.g. only eating half initially. Say that you understand how hard it must have been not having enough food, but hopefully she can now start to adjust and you want to help her get back to a healthy eating habit. Or something!

On the wider context: as she is properly into adulthood and no longer a teenager, and especially given that you have younger children in the household that need feeding/housing/clothing, she should definitely be contributing something to the household costs as well. I would say at least £200pm, plus her contribution to food, let’s say £50pm.

That’s a fair contribution. And still allows her plenty of funds to use toward driving lessons/savings/her own groceries/socialising.

As your DH promised her some driving lessons I think 5 lessons to get her started is fair, if you can at all stretch to it. Then maybe another 5 lessons at Christmas if she hasn’t passed by then.

However she needs to start behaving like an adult and not being so ridiculously entitled. She is plenty old enough to understand that finances are tighter for you atm. My daughters both would have offered to contribute in your situation, I wouldn’t even need to ask. My youngest has only been able to get a very part-time job atm but she pays a certain nominal amount (in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a fair bit of her income) toward rent & bills. She’s still managed to save and booked her first driving lesson for next week.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’

This is very ungracious when it comes to a gift OP. She needs the reality check of contributing to the house, in my opinion. Do you point out to her when she eats all the food and doesn't leave enough for anyone else?

NB my friend has older adult children living at home, as well as school age kids. The older children all contribute financially and if they want extra snacks in the evening, they walk to the shop and buy them, as otherwise their brothers would have nothing for packed lunch the following day. Sometimes they even remember to ask if there is anything else they can buy for the household too!

I'm sure this didn't necessarily happen overnight but it is fair, reasonable and un-tight IMHO. Parenting doesn't necessarily get any easier when they are older, but treating children differently according to age, and ability etc, is fair and correct.