Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

There's also the element that it sounds like OP's own parents were very involved in DD's upbringing - both in terms of practical help and (I'm guessing) significant financial help as well. It may well be that DD is thinking about how much OP's own parents did for her mum and thinking that she should be getting the same sort of help now.

The school fees posters are perhaps suggesting are symbolic of the relationship and how it differs amongst the offspring, there's no 'literal' removing of young children from the school they know and love to pay for Nutella FFS!

@Strawberrydaiquiris
Sounds like she is potentially jealous of the younger DC?
Deliberately eating the stuff you buy for them.

I'd get a cupboard with a lock if she carries on, OR tell her to buy her own stuff like luxuries like Nutella, and to keep her stuff in it's own place.

Maybe she was spoiled when young, and has flipped back into ''toddler mode'' now she is back?

At 25, with a job, she should be paying a reasonable amount of board, and should be doing an adult's share of the housework too. A frank conversation is needed with her about this, with the aim of arriving at a fair solution going forwards.

However, in terms of the eating - you say she is slim and burns off what she eats. That means she is eating the right amount for her metabolism/body.

Definitely ask her to contribute a fair amount of board to cover the increase in the food costs etc, but if the dinner isn't big enough for everyone the solution is to make a bigger dinner, not shame her into going hungry. Nutella isn't a rare luxury - if it gets eaten, just buy more of it (with her contributing to the household pot, the extra cost shouldn't be an issue).

Carpathian2 it's a suggestion to how the daughter might be feeling, it is probably not the case.

Sorry if this has already been covered in previous replies but I want to confirm this:

Your younger children are being privately educated correct?

Your older daughter got the same private education?

This makes a huge difference

No she didn't, the Op confirmed this. I really think this is what it is all about frankly!

@Strawberrydaiquiris
Oops! I misread...I thought DD1 was19 , not 25!
That is completely unacceptable behaviour.

That is quite shocking, in fact. Rein her greedy behaviour in...I'm sure there is a psychological element to this, though.

Nip it right in the bud, Today.

Had similar situation at start of lockdown when my young adult dd moved in with us. I posted a thread about it and received the same sniping as you. Some on here love to stick the knife in anyone who has dared to even slightly cut apron strings. Ignore them, and pity the future partners of their children.

We agreed she would pay a very nominal contribution to bills, have use of the basics like coffee, bread, milk, eggs etc but buy her own food. It worked well after she got used to it.

Yes, that will go down well, 'DD rein in your greedy behaviour.'

"Luxuries like Nutella"?!

In a household where children are being privately educated, Nutella is not a 'luxury'. Yes, the older DD should contribute, but she's hardly gorging on caviar every day!

A 25 year old adult with a fast metabolism, who enjoys regular exercise, will eat a LOT. And that's totally fair enough - she just needs to contribute to the food budget accordingly.

I'm astounded at the number of people who think the solution is to tell her to eat less than her body needs.

@Janaih

Had similar situation at start of lockdown when my young adult dd moved in with us. I posted a thread about it and received the same sniping as you. Some on here love to stick the knife in anyone who has dared to even slightly cut apron strings. Ignore them, and pity the future partners of their children.

We agreed she would pay a very nominal contribution to bills, have use of the basics like coffee, bread, milk, eggs etc but buy her own food. It worked well after she got used to it.

We’re obviously monsters

She either pays you £200 pcm for Board, or buys her own food.

She buys all of her own toiletries.

Say you will consider Driving Lessons, that you will put something towards some for Christmas, but with not working ATM its difficult to say how much.

It's difficult because you want to look after her, yet she is an adult.

In my mind, adults in a household all contribute in some way. I'd be asking her to do a few bits around the house as well.

I also started warning her from about 16 that birthday and xmas presents get less decent from 18 onwards

The reason she is still relying on you to pay for everything is because you're allowing her to do it. She is a grown up that had a job and her own place and you were sending her hundreds of pounds a month.
You're still paying for her on meals out and takeaways. And you've let her move back in and not asked for a penny. I bet she doesn't do any housework either.
This is on you.
I know families are different but I moved out of home and had to move back in twice for short amounts of time. Each time I paid my parents housekeeping and I bought my own food and did my own cooking as well as helping with the housework and working full time.
There was a time when we went out for meals and my parents would pay for me until one day my stepdad said that I had to start paying for myself. Which I did. Although i was a bit taken aback because up until I thought they were ok paying for me, and I wouldn't have known otherwise if he had said anything.
You need to put your foot down now and either ask for a contribution towards the food or ask that she buys at least her own snacks.
As for driving lessons... well your DH has said she can have them so I wouldn't go back on that, but it should be the only big present. If you want her to have something to open, get her a few cheap token gifts.

I think you need to start charging her board to assist with the food bills if nothing else.

Tbh give her the driving lessons as you did promise them, but she needs to understand they are her xmas present if she wants them early, fair enough. You need to remember this and stick to it at xmas too. Shes too old to be botching about pressies imo

I would be charging her £400-500 a month to cover food, bills and board. I'm in my 20's and if I moved home I would fully expect to contribute and £500 would be a minimum for me.

She sounds entitled.

Next time she calls you tight call her entitled and see how she reacts.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

"Luxuries like Nutella"?!

In a household where children are being privately educated, Nutella is not a 'luxury'. Yes, the older DD should contribute, but she's hardly gorging on caviar every day!

It is a substance bought for the younger kids.. It is a 'Luxury' as all sweet stuff is {Eg, a non food item}..To gorge a jar in three days IS greedy...at 25, buying your own is the done thing, surely. Plus the Adult Child is earning and gorging the OP out of house and home by the sounds of it. Sounds like the Adult child has had a massive regression, and the food is a symptom of it.

She’s a fully grown adult she should be buying her own shopping. Think you are been generous enough allowing her to stay with nothing towards bills ect.

@RedskyAtnight

There's also the element that it sounds like OP's own parents were very involved in DD's upbringing - both in terms of practical help and (I'm guessing) significant financial help as well. It may well be that DD is thinking about how much OP's own parents did for her mum and thinking that she should be getting the same sort of help now.

I’d agree if she had a baby. Then it would be completely different.

I was 16 with a new baby. She’s 25 and just spent two years flying round the world and staying in luxury hotels for work - work also paid for her apartment. She didn’t save a penny and when work reduced her pay dh and I topped it up. When she came back I told her she didn’t have to pay keep, I found her a job whilst she sorts a better one out. I have been financially and emotionally supporting her. The entire time.

I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’m in a better financial position now than when I was in my teens or early 20s and I shouldn’t have to keep pouring money at her to make up for something I couldn’t help.

low-cost items on Christmas morning (e.g. a book and bath bombs).

Some of the toiletries she's been helping herself too, perhaps ;)

I think she should have the driving lessons, but also pay a concession towards bills and food. She shouldn't be using your toiletries, though. IMO food is generally fair game as an adult in your parents house, but you don't touch the toiletries. When I have stayed at my parents house as an adult I could help myself to food completely, but had I helped myself to shampoo (I have long hair so use a lot!) or perfume or hair mousse or whatever, that would have been taking the piss. TBH even though I left home young, my parents had already begun that regarding toiletries. I had my own from puberty (within reason, I just asked my mum for what I wanted or went with her to the supermarket). It does sound like she's developing some food issues, but equally it's hard to tell how much she is actually eating. If you and your DH are on the more sedentary side and older, and her siblings are so much younger, she might need a lot more calories than the rest of you, especially if she's training, doing a more physical job, walking etc. Her age will mean she needs more than an older woman. Is she eating whole jars of Nutella? Or just a generous couple of Tbsps? I think her paying towards the general grocery bill is better than trying to micromanage her

at 25 most adults receive nothing for Christmas.