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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

467 replies

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 12:27

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day Gin

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 18/09/2020 15:53

I thought you were going to say she was 18 or younger not older.

I'd say she has to contribute a bit towards her food and not swipe your best (beauty?) products either.

It's not her fault or yours she has had to move back home but you shouldn't really be subsidising her to this extent and then her calling you tight on top of this.

CleverCatty · 18/09/2020 15:55

I've noticed you've said here that she 'likes nice things' even though she works hard for them in the past.

Where does she think the money for 'nice things' comes from if she's not contributing towards them?

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/09/2020 15:57

I can't abide greedy behaviour over food. Taking more than her fair share is greedy when it means there won't be enough for others.

I would buy generic toiletries for your daughter and hide your nice stuff. When she is working again she can buy the luxury stuff.

WoTmania · 18/09/2020 16:00

Another who feels there are two different issues.
WRT driving lessons, she obviously didn't get them paid for at 17 so there is no difference to you paying for them now or when she was 17. If you plan to pay for your younger DC's driving lessons at 17 it would be massively unfair to expect your DD to foot the bill now.
Groceries is another matter entirely, particularly if she isn't paying any rent. Absolutely she should contribute to that.

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/09/2020 16:01

Agree that now driving lessons have been offered you need to go with that.

CleverCatty · 18/09/2020 16:01

It also sounds like through your and her DGP she has got into a pattern of being spoiled.

I was a bit like this when I was younger - most things I wanted I got and even when I got older if I wanted highlights for my hair my DGM offered to pay for them (I always refused), but basically I didn't have to worry about money until I moved out and even then, if I'd really wanted to, someone helped me out.

It wasn't until I'd got myself in a bit of debt but had been helped out, and had not a lot to show for it, and my DM firmly told me that handouts were out of the question until I proved I could handle money that I started saving etc.

Strangely enough up until I was 25 and got a big inheritance and credit cards I was always very good with my money, in fact bordering on hardly spending money on myself and being prompted to spend it on e.g. shoes in a sale years ago when I had hardly any shoes and also came from a single parent family but poor in the beginning or my DM didn't like to ask for help.

I think your DD does have to think more about the younger DC in the family - are they her half siblings? Maybe she thinks because they're the children of you and your DH (her stepfather?) that they get spoiled more or treated fairer than she was?

But you have to make it clear to her that when she eats all the Nutella or all the nice stew that it's gone and she isn't sharing.

Ninkanink · 18/09/2020 16:02

That’s true - I feel it’s fair that you help her with driving lessons (at least to an extent), because you either couldn’t or didn’t when she was younger. That doesn’t mean you need to pay for all of them.

Also as an adult she doesn’t need a huge amount for Christmas.

CleverCatty · 18/09/2020 16:02

Driving lessons I'd pay for now as she didn't have them when she was 17

AskingforaBaskin · 18/09/2020 16:03

If the driving lessons are her Christmas present then she gets nothing else.
She's 25. If she has a face on her on Christmas Day she can leave.

CleverCatty · 18/09/2020 16:04

@Ninkanink

That’s true - I feel it’s fair that you help her with driving lessons (at least to an extent), because you either couldn’t or didn’t when she was younger. That doesn’t mean you need to pay for all of them.

Also as an adult she doesn’t need a huge amount for Christmas.

Ninkanink - agreed re Christmas as an adult you don't need a huge amount.

I've had huge and not huge amounts spent but I honestly prefer thought put into presents and one year my nicest gift from a friend was a really pretty slim diary and a small Body Shop Xmas gift set rather than loads of other rubbish!

Barryisland · 18/09/2020 16:07

Sounds like she has an eating distorted if she is binging food then working it off at the gym?

AskingforaBaskin · 18/09/2020 16:09

To be honest the moment she called me tight I'd have ripped her a new arsehole and told her to get her phone out to set up the direct debit she will now start paying for her rent, share of all utilities including WiFi etc.

She's 25!! I'm a similar age. There is zero justification. You owe her nothing!!

Dawnlassie · 18/09/2020 16:09

If she is very driven and went abroad for a dream job surely she should be able to contribute some of her savings. If she has none then there is a lesson for her to learn right there.

Ask her if you were not around how she would have managed after getting made redundant.

DotBall · 18/09/2020 16:11

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep

You’re being taken for mugs. My DS pays 20% of earnings a month for keep and that included being taken from his Universal Credit before he got a job.

Morgan12 · 18/09/2020 16:11

I don't see the big deal here. Just tell her not to eat all the food? Ask for £25 a week to buy her food? I wouldn't take anymore money than that though.

Honestly it makes me a bit sad reading this post. I'd be crushed if my mum talked about me this way.

Also, my mum paid for my driving lessons when I was 31.

Pumpertrumper · 18/09/2020 16:14

I hope you don’t mind me asking but did you pay school fees for DD? Did she grow up on a similar par (from your side at least) to your other DC?

I do wonder how it feels for those older kids whose parent goes on to have a new family with more money and resources. It must be hard for her seeing your nice house and savings and her half siblings in private schools Hmm but you think she eats too much and can’t afford to buy her a Christmas present.

She’s an adult fair enough but surely as a parent all your Kids eating comfortably should be more important that paying school fees, if you’re ‘that’ concerned about money. I can’t imagine ever feeling that hostile toward my DS, regardless of age.

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/09/2020 16:16

I can't imagine having a 25 year old who behaved so greedily around food!

The OP was 16 when she had her DD, obviously she didn't pay school fees.

AskingforaBaskin · 18/09/2020 16:18

@Morgan12

I don't see the big deal here. Just tell her not to eat all the food? Ask for £25 a week to buy her food? I wouldn't take anymore money than that though.

Honestly it makes me a bit sad reading this post. I'd be crushed if my mum talked about me this way.

Also, my mum paid for my driving lessons when I was 31.

I'd be more ashamed that my mother had to talk about me this way. Imagine being this selfish, greedy and immature.
Giganticshark · 18/09/2020 16:18

She probably sees her younger siblings getting their private education, two well off parents, happy family experience.... And she's feeling left out?
They're getting things she didn't get.

Keratinsmooth · 18/09/2020 16:24

I would totally pick her up on the eating of peoples food, I would portion every thing up and not let her eat anyone else’s portion, as for the rest just ask for keep, say that she is eating far more than you expected?

Driving lessons is gone, your DH offered it.

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/09/2020 16:24

Lots of families get better off over time. I have 3 dc (all same father) and the youngest has definitely enjoyed a more comfortable time in terms of holidays etc. That's quite normal.

I think there is a 20 year gap between the DD and OP's other children. I would feel very sad if my 25 year old was resentful of such small children especially when it sounds as though OP has done as much as she could for her eldest child.

runningonemptyfulloflove · 18/09/2020 16:25

When I gave my mum money for living at home she saved it (unknown to me at the time) and then gave me a lump sum when I was moving out, to help buy things for new house, like a sofa etc.

Maybe come to a similar arrangement? Ask her to pay an amount as contribution and let her know you won't spend it and will pass it back when she really needs it, like for driving lessons. It doesn't seem like she really knows value of money to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

JJsDinerWaffles · 18/09/2020 16:26

Lorelai?

Anordinarymum · 18/09/2020 16:27

[quote oakleaffy]@Anordinarymum
I missed the hair conditioner/shampoo bit..
That would be really annoying, too..
😂[/quote]
And the hyaluronic acid............... but she probs doesn't need that. Some things are just too darn precious to share.

Torvean32 · 18/09/2020 16:27

About time your daughter paid for her keep. Or at least paid for her food. She should also help with housework.
She's turning into a free loader.