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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

467 replies

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 12:27

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day Gin

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/09/2020 14:26

@Illdealwithitinaminute

Low carb is a really expensive way to eat! That's why she's picking at the meat when it's for everyone. I would put her portion and tell her that, but also if she were contributing to the cost then her buying some more specific foods she really likes (high protein, low carb) would be reasonable too. You can't just eat everyone else's meat non-stop and leave none for their dinners or lunch!
She's hardly on a low carb diet if she's eating loads of Nutella!
Goldenbear · 18/09/2020 14:26

It sounds like you had lots of help from your parents in bringing her up, childcare allowing you to pursue courses to get a better chance in life. So you certainly financially benefited from that. I don't see the difference. What is the difference?

TheDuchessofMalfy · 18/09/2020 14:26

But it sounds like it’s not JUST about the money, it’s also about her being inconsiderate toward the rest of the family

I was thinking this too. It’s what we’d say if anDH was doing it (or a DW) even if they’d contributed financially to the food. It’s the lack of consideration for others.

feelingverylazytoday · 18/09/2020 14:28

@summeriscoming20

I can see why she would resent her siblings having thousands spent on their education but not on her. If you haven't discussed it how would you know how she feels about it?
Why would it matter? Her mother and her grandparents did the best they could to raise her. If that's not enough for her then what is? No one can turn the clock back.
CrotchetyQuaver · 18/09/2020 14:28

I suspect envy of your current lifestyle and that of her siblings is part of this. She never had anything like that as a kid presumably?
I think it would be reasonable to talk about all the food she's eating - perhaps she could have her own snack shelf which she pays for?

I think a very frank conversation about how you're managing to keep the show on the road might be in order, she needs to know you're not loaded and just being tight with her.

Goldenbear · 18/09/2020 14:29

Since when has Nutella been considered a luxury item.

ButteryPuffin · 18/09/2020 14:30

Yes, even if money weren't an issue, it is just selfish and inconsiderate to eat loads of a family meal without leaving enough for others, or to eat all the items that are meant to be for others to share in. I would separate that from the money and point out that's she's not pulling her weight in terms of considering other family members.

ImANosyNeighbour · 18/09/2020 14:31

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. I can see your points entirely. The 10 driving lessons sounds like a fair idea and for Christmas I would just buy a few small gifts for her to unwrap and remind her the lessons were her main present.

Your daughter seems to have got too comfortable and is acting like a teenager again. I think you’ve got to have a chat with her about eating everything and remind her there are 5 people in the house and it’s wrong to eat so much not leaving anything for the rest of you. You shouldn’t have to go out and buy more shopping to replace what she has eaten. Either she takes this on board or she starts paying towards the shopping each month. Similarly she shouldn’t be using your expensive cosmetics. That sort of thing she should be buying herself.
Does she help with housework and do her fair share? I think this is the least she should be doing as well.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/09/2020 14:32

Her reaction to your face this morning was probably because she is seeing and feeling it constantly since she moved back. You seem to resent her living with you at all, while you dh (her step dad) is much more accommodating. Do you feel her, a woman now, being there is messing up your "new" family unit?

Surely you can just explain you meal plan and not to eat x or y as it is needed for meals and if she wants more food/snacks she can pop to the supermarket herself.

Try not to get petty about the odd jar of nutella, and it is easy to make a bigger portion of casserole if she has a bigger appetite now than you expected.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 18/09/2020 14:32

I keep thinking about how bad Nutella is for you but I realise that’s not the point!

Goldenbear · 18/09/2020 14:32

Did you bank roll her to stay abroad as it is easier with your newer family set up. I would guess this is what is actually behind all this, maybe she wants to feel wanted as part of the family.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 18/09/2020 14:33

OP has said she is happy her Dd is there and has tried to dissuade her from moving out straight away.

Pukkatea · 18/09/2020 14:34

I would: charge her a set amount for food, as it seems that's where she is causing budget issues. Don't say it's specifically for food, that is likely to cause arguments and it sounds like she might have some food issues that you don't want to make her feel guilty about, keep an eye on it.

10 driving lessons is a nice present and a nice thing to do for her, I would keep that if you can afford it. Small gifts for Christmas (perhaps some Nutella for a start...), and cut back on the spending for future birthdays! 400 for an adult child is ridiculous!

mediumperiperi · 18/09/2020 14:36

She's regressed to being a teenager and you're partly to blame for that by not taking board.

Either you put up with her being like an inconsiderate teen or you treat her like an adult and get her to contribute to the food budget and tell her that if she has the driving lessons now, she will only get a selection box at Xmas and you're sticking to that. If nothing at Xmas would upset her she needs to be an adult and pick waiting for the lessons.

Mumoftwo1994 · 18/09/2020 14:37

@Strawberrydaiquiris

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day Gin

Am I being unreasonable?

She sounds like a brat (no offence) and she should contribute a little bit towards food shopping or something like that.
WiddlinDiddlin · 18/09/2020 14:37

Have you actually had a discussion with her about how fucking rude it is to eat all the food and its not just a financial issue, its a MASSIVE pain in the arse to plan a weeks meals, lunchboxes etc and then have to go shopping multiple times to replace stuff that shouldn't have run out, or change plans because of whats now missing.

For the people having a go because the OP's younger children are at a fee paying school... seriously?

What do you want the OP to do, pull them out of a fee paying school so she can feed another ADULT who has a decent income and practically zero outgoings? Get a fucking grip eh?!

Carpathian2 · 18/09/2020 14:38

@Goldenbear

That's a bit of a reach isn't it? You don't know the op so how did you come to that conclusion?

laudete · 18/09/2020 14:40

I think the main problem is the food (and to some extent the toiletries). Tell her to think of her younger siblings and that eating all their packed lunch food must stop right now. She's welcome to buy her own snacks and toiletries (which will be verboten to the little ones so she gets that big sibling extra privilege vibe) but she can't wolf down their school lunches and snacks. I think you'll feel a lot less stressed out if you're not replacing essential school items every couple of days and you know your favourite shampoo/perfume isn't going to be empty the next time you want to use it. x

WholePlaceIsPickled · 18/09/2020 14:41

She’s not nearly 30, she’s 25. She’s a young adult, living at home, temporarily. If you’re bothered about the food I don’t think this is the place to moan considering you could just ask her for £X a week or whatever. Quite simply solved.

Driving lessons are between you and DH. I personally don’t think it’s bad? £250 spread out between now and Christmas, new pair of PJs or something to open on the day.

Whether you choose to believe it or not DD1 is being treated differently and she does know it. I was your DD1, DGP and yourself tried to give her the best life you could, but by your own admittance couldn’t give her what your other DC have. That’s not your fault, but it’s not hers either that her dad was clearly a deadbeat. It honestly doesn’t matter if you offered at 18/19, if you’re going to pay for your other DCs first 10 driving lessons I’d pay for hers. It’s the same money for each just at a different age.

I wouldn’t say you’re tight but I’d say you’re using her age as an excuse and also have made a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

Carpathian2 · 18/09/2020 14:41

@WiddlinDiddlin

You're absolutely right!
Honestly, the shit that's being spouted on here is fucking rediculous

GruffaIo · 18/09/2020 14:42

I think some of the critical posts are definitely reading things in that didn't happen, such as OP supporting her daughter abroad so she didn't return and mess up her family set up?!

OP, I get it. Lovely people can be selfish without meaning it. My in-laws are staying with us. One is vulnerable due to Covid. Before they came, we asked what food they would like; they told us and we ordered it. Since they've been here, they've eaten none of that but have been helping themselves to my toddler son's 'safe' food (he has eating issues. I go to get something and it's just gone! We're shopping more and putting them more at risk because they can't stick to sensible eating of what they told us (!!!) they wanted. It sounds minor but the frustration is real. Good luck having the necessary difficult conversation.

unmarkedbythat · 18/09/2020 14:42

I think, without wanting to, you have created this situation.

And come on, of course there's an emotional reaction to your younger siblings having a private education when you didn't. Doesn't matter that you were low income then and are rich now (and if you are paying two sets of private school fees and covering all bills and have savings and emergency money, you are rich, even if it doesn't feel it because you're currently less rich than you were when in work), doesn't matter that you've always sought to give all your children as much as you could with what you have at the time and have been a generous and supportive mum throughout. It's not about logic, is it?

Puffa1Puffa2 · 18/09/2020 14:45

Why wouldn't someone who is working & 25 not contribute to the household

You should have asked for a contribution at the start

The alternative is that she leaves to live somewhere else which would be rent + bills+ food

Elephantday82 · 18/09/2020 14:45

Gah it’s never ending! My dsd is nearly 30 and still costs us a fortune, she does work hard, she’s a teacher and we helped her buy her first home but on a single wage she gets by as long as nothing goes wrong. However she’s always grateful and never expects It.

doadeer · 18/09/2020 14:46

It's very strange she has almost regressed after living independently. Just have an honest conversation with her about money and expectations. She should be regularly buying groceries for you all and contributing property. I have a sibling 12 years younger than me I would never have dreamed of eating his food, I was very maternal with him. I think she needs a reality check

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