Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

*but now dd is

No you’re not tight.
I’ve got one here who has a job but pays nothing to live here. Hubby doesn’t think she should, so I know that if I took money off her he’d give it back on the quiet.
He also pays to have work done on her car.
I get no say as he uses his wages 😡

I disagree - sending a child financial handouts when they have a job and free accommodation (as was the case here) is not being a good mum. It's encouraging them to maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

Part of parenting is teaching your children to live independently and budget etc.. If the DD was receiving up to £400 a month despite the fact she had a job, she wasn't learning that lesson.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

I disagree - sending a child financial handouts when they have a job and free accommodation (as was the case here) is not being a good mum. It's encouraging them to maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

Part of parenting is teaching your children to live independently and budget etc.. If the DD was receiving up to £400 a month despite the fact she had a job, she wasn't learning that lesson.

I agree to an extent - you'll note upthread I've encouraged OP to charge dd rent and withdraw the offer of driving lessons. I had no parental help (no help to house deposit, wedding etc), and I'm doing well and happy and now support my mum in many ways.

But in the circumstances OP mentioned, her dd was in a foreign country with a massively reduced salary and living off cereal. I'm not sure can call OP a bad mum for that.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

I disagree - sending a child financial handouts when they have a job and free accommodation (as was the case here) is not being a good mum. It's encouraging them to maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

Part of parenting is teaching your children to live independently and budget etc.. If the DD was receiving up to £400 a month despite the fact she had a job, she wasn't learning that lesson.

Her pay was reduced massively, that’s why I was sending her money. You should maybe read the thread.

She worked bloody hard to get that job and was loving it, I was loving seeing her loving it. Reduced pay was supposed to be temporary I didn’t mind topping her up. I had the money.

It doesn't stack up to me though.... I understand that her accommodation was free, so how was a pay cut sufficient to reduce her to being unable to eat? What other fixed outgoings did she have as a single 25 year old? And the OP was sending up to £400 a month - a single adult doesn't need that much for basic food.

If the pay really was THAT low that it didn't even cover food, it' was basically volunteer work, and the best option would be to leave the job and come home to look for work.

I think it's more likely that the pay wasn't that low, but DD was continuing to buy treats and luxuries on the reduced pay, then realising she was skint. It's about propping up a lifestyle she couldn't afford.

She needs to grow up, and the OP needs to assist her with a boot up the bum.

OP, your DH is a liability. Is he giving money away to other relatives too?

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable where does OP say DD had free accomodation?

OP, I think you’ve had an unnecessary roasting off some people here.

I agree with some PPs that they are 2 separate issues. 1) ask her to either buy own food or contribute somehow, be brutally honest about your finances so she understands why the plans have changed.
2) discuss with DH how many lessons you’re willing to pay for for all DC, not just eldest DD. Stick to it. Both myself and DB had our first 15 lessons paid for (at £10 a lesson at the time!)

Best of luck!

Why not tell her it hurts and it's unfair to be called tight when you made up her drop in salary and aren't asking for her to contribute to her own keep despite her earning and you now not?

Why not tell her it's funds that are now tight, not you!

Why not hide your expensive toiletries in your bedroom - she wouldn't raid them there, surely? - and leave her to use the stuff her siblings use? If she wants top end, she can buy them herself.

Why not involve her in meal planning so she sees how the groceries are meant to last the week? If she scoffs food intended for a family meal, let that mealtime roll round and say what is was meant to be, but the ingredients are gone, so it's beans on toast all round?

Why not invite her to treat everyone to takeaway if she sabotaged the planned meal?

Why not get a box and label it 'little kids' snacks' and another for 'adult snacks' and just let the latter run out?

You can keep your own private stash.😉

She's a freeloader and should have been saving while her earning were high.

I’m not going to charge her keep. She’s determined to be back in the city centre in the new year so I’m not going to take board on the provision she saves for her deposit.

She does help out in the house. She isn’t lazy.

I will talk to her about scoffing everything and say it’s got to stop OR she buys her own.

She can have the ten lessons now but it really will be an early Xmas present and small gifts on the day.

Kids eh !

Thanks for the messages. I’ve read them all. I do think there is an element of regressing.

Can’t believe I’ve caused Nutella gate. She stands and eats it with a spoon. Where as me and the kids are toast spreaders

Upthread, the OP said:

She’s 25 and just spent two years flying round the world and staying in luxury hotels for work - work also paid for her apartment. She didn’t save a penny and when work reduced her pay dh and I topped it up.

OP, your daughter moved out to become independent at 19, and would not have chosen to move back in had circumstances not forced it. I had something similar happen and at similar ages, so I sort of recognise the dynamic at play.

Basically, I changed from 'independent householder' to 'daughter of the household', not just externally but internally too. My parents and I slipped back into the roles we'd occupied pre-independence. It's shockingly easy to do. Is she currently your 25 year old daughter, or has she reverted to teenage daughter? I did. And Mum pretty much treated me like that within a week. Even now, I see it as chicken and egg - I think we reverted simultaneously. Old habits are hard to break.

So maybe think if that is one of the things going on here.

Her hoovering up food as if she's the only one who is to be fed - put a stop to that. It's selfish. Fine when you live alone, but not when you're one of five. Could be part of her reverting, there was just you and her then and it sounds like you prioritised her then. In her(reverted) mind, her food wants are for you to meet, everyone else's didn't exist back then. Regardless, pull her up on it Every. Damned. Time. Again, there's a bit of personal experience here, DS (21) is back living with us and I have stopped buying crisps, biscuits etc. because I never got a chance to eat any, as he'd finished them before I could start! Surreptitiously bought a packet of biscuits a couple of days ago, told DH, he immediately hid them where DS wouldn't think to look ! But - we don't have small DC to consider, just us three adults. If he were doing this and leaving small children without treats I wouldn't be hiding a packet of biscuits, I'd be putting a rocket up his arse. I suggest you firmly point out to her what a selfish little madam she's being with food. Everybody get their share, she's making others do without.

I would suggest that the three adults sit down and talk through The Budget. Being careful, you can live on DH's salary. It is madness to dip into savings (which should be for emergencies / large planned purchases) for day-to-day living expenses. If your daughter thinks that's being tight, tough shit. Basic rule, outgoings are not to exceed income. So if she wants to plough through the food so that more has to be bought, income will have to increase and she will have to pay dig money. No ifs, no buts. She's 25, working, consuming - she should be contributing. And frankly, she should be contributing anyway. If nothing else it might counter some of her reverting.

As for the driving lessons - refer her and DH to The Budget. Where is the money to come from? What is to be trimmed? And if it is to be a Christmas present it should be a set number of lessons only, and on the day get her a ten quid maximum present. Seriously. You have lost your job, your husband's is not feeling secure, belts should be tightened and this should not be a surprise to anyone. It already isn't to you, but it seems to need to be hammered home to both husband and daughter. Do it. He stops abdicating responsibility and making you the bad guy and she stops and thinks like an adult and not 'daughter of the household'. Both of them need to step up to adulthood, moneywise.

And tell her to buy her own toiletries. Using yours is just rude and thoughtless.

OP are you me?
I have same EXACT situation, same age DD, same everything. Had been considering posting the dilemma on AIBU and lo and behold your post appeared. Am almost wondering if I posted this in my sleep and forgot!!!!!!

You are not tight. You are more than generous. When I suggest to my DD that she might contribute something to the household food she is angry and also really hurt. She says, "Oh, so you don't want me eating your food?" which isn't the case at all, so I end up backing off.

As for driving lessons, we paid for 10, but then she needed more. We did give them as Xmas present and then gave one smallish gift so she'd have something to open. Plus stocking!

PS - we even have the standing Nutella wolfing!

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Upthread, the OP said:

She’s 25 and just spent two years flying round the world and staying in luxury hotels for work - work also paid for her apartment. She didn’t save a penny and when work reduced her pay dh and I topped it up.

sorry I missed that.

@ErickBroch

A nice drip feed you've been sending her £400 a month? Obviously that changes the dynamic

er....not a drip feed.You just didn't read the OPs posts very well. Sh made it very clear that she sent hundreds of pounds regularly. How is this a drip feed?

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. I don't think it's too much to expect your adult daughter to think of others before eating everything and it's definitely not unreasonable to ask her to get her own snacks. Unfortunately, it's easy for adult children to revert back to being looked after.

As for the driving lessons, your husband's offer to pay was really poorly timed but he sounds like he has a good heart - particularly with treating your elder child the same as the children you have together. It must be frustrating to be the person to have to reign him in though. Perhaps cap at 10 lessons as other have suggested and something small to open on Chirstmas day.

I don't think you've done anything wrong in helping your daughter during the time her pay was reduced or in sending your younger children to private school.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I can’t imagine my mother bitching about my eating habits to an online forum

Nor me and I would be incredibly hurt, imagine being begrudged the extra food cost whilst your siblings were getting thousands of pounds spent a year in schooling.

If she had far less in childhood then i would be ensuring I could try and equal it out now so there’s no resentment between siblings. However I wouldn’t have chosen the path of private school knowing I didn’t do it for her.

Literally the dumbest post I have ever read on MN. You think it would be better to not spend any more on younger dc if you didn't have the funds for the first? That is just stupid. It is quite normal for families where dc are spread over 20 years for the parents to have different resources. First siblings get more individual time. What do you suggest? That parents farm out older siblings so the younger ones get 'equal' time? Older siblings often end up with different rules because parents are inexperienced. Presumably you think therefore that even though the parents are now more educated about parenting, they should still do all the dumb stuff they got wrong with the first one to all subsequent dc to be 'fair'. You REALLY didn't think this through at all did you. Or do you somehow place monetary resource as the most important resource. Above time, love, experience etc. Just money. Just do EXACTLY THE SAME when it comes to money. If one dc had special needs, you would clearly have to spend EXACTLY THE SAME on all the non SN dc so as not to create resentment in your weird world. GAWD this was a stupid comment.

@Cam2020

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. I don't think it's too much to expect your adult daughter to think of others before eating everything and it's definitely not unreasonable to ask her to get her own snacks. Unfortunately, it's easy for adult children to revert back to being looked after.

As for the driving lessons, your husband's offer to pay was really poorly timed but he sounds like he has a good heart - particularly with treating your elder child the same as the children you have together. It must be frustrating to be the person to have to reign him in though. Perhaps cap at 10 lessons as other have suggested and something small to open on Chirstmas day.

I don't think you've done anything wrong in helping your daughter during the time her pay was reduced or in sending your younger children to private school.

Thanks cam yes dh has rubbish timing always has. He is very generous to people and I have to play the bad cop!

He’s always treated her very good and she loved him very much.

@changerr

OP are you me? I have same EXACT situation, same age DD, same everything. Had been considering posting the dilemma on AIBU and lo and behold your post appeared. Am almost wondering if I posted this in my sleep and forgot!!!!!!

You are not tight. You are more than generous. When I suggest to my DD that she might contribute something to the household food she is angry and also really hurt. She says, "Oh, so you don't want me eating your food?" which isn't the case at all, so I end up backing off.

As for driving lessons, we paid for 10, but then she needed more. We did give them as Xmas present and then gave one smallish gift so she'd have something to open. Plus stocking!

People say it gets easier - it really doesn’t!

I'm 25 too! Tell her she can eat dinner with you but must buy her own groceries otherwise as she's eating you out of house and home.

Honestly, she sounds bulimic to me so keep an eye out for that. Reminds me of my past ED habits. Compulsive eating, finds it hard to stop, compensating with exercise, slim but eats like a horse.

If you're paying for the others driving lessons it is fair that you pay for hers though.

Actually if you've been 'topping her up' and she hasn't paid a penny then no you shouldn't pay.

She doesn't know the value of money. Stop sending her cash she's a grown up.

I can make an educated guess at the job she has lost based on the info you’ve given as I’ve got a few friends that have gone through the same thing in Dubai.

If it is that, then it’s not just a job, it’s a lifestyle and everyone I know is gutted about it as it’s going to be potentially years before the industry takes off again.

And granted she was in a different country but it’s not like being an actual independent adult, accommodation is covered, food on layovers is covered, you get picked up to go to work and dropped back at your accommodation - it’s not real adulting.

On that basis I’d cut her a bit of slack re the driving lessons, she’s just had her whole world upended (but so have many of us).

But eating all the food without thought for others is inconsiderate and rude - that you should definitely talk to her about. She can buy her own snacks and junk food.

It doesn't stack up to me though.... I understand that her accommodation was free, so how was a pay cut sufficient to reduce her to being unable to eat? What other fixed outgoings did she have as a single 25 year old? And the OP was sending up to £400 a month - a single adult doesn't need that much for basic food

£400 a month is nothing when you live in Dubai.