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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

467 replies

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 12:27

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day Gin

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/09/2020 19:55
Flowers
Thisismytimetoshine · 18/09/2020 19:58

@Strawberrydaiquiris

It doesn't stack up to me though.... I understand that her accommodation was free, so how was a pay cut sufficient to reduce her to being unable to eat? What other fixed outgoings did she have as a single 25 year old? And the OP was sending up to £400 a month - a single adult doesn't need that much for basic food

£400 a month is nothing when you live in Dubai.

Why was she living in Dubai if she wasn't earning enough to be self supporting?
billy1966 · 18/09/2020 19:59

We had Nutellagate here in this house and I swear...... what is it about some things that just light a fuse in a woman.???😱

For me it was finding the Nutella jar in the pantry with a spoon stuck in it.🤬

I swear it's a wonder the top of my head didn't explode when I found it for the 3rd!!!!! Yes the 3rd time.

😬🤣

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 20:00

@BanjoStarz

I can make an educated guess at the job she has lost based on the info you’ve given as I’ve got a few friends that have gone through the same thing in Dubai.

If it is that, then it’s not just a job, it’s a lifestyle and everyone I know is gutted about it as it’s going to be potentially years before the industry takes off again.

And granted she was in a different country but it’s not like being an actual independent adult, accommodation is covered, food on layovers is covered, you get picked up to go to work and dropped back at your accommodation - it’s not real adulting.

On that basis I’d cut her a bit of slack re the driving lessons, she’s just had her whole world upended (but so have many of us).

But eating all the food without thought for others is inconsiderate and rude - that you should definitely talk to her about. She can buy her own snacks and junk food.

Yes. You know what she’s lost. That’s why I was sending her money as I didn’t want her to give it up as she loved it so much I loved seeing her in fantastic places all around the world.

But yes. Not much adulting. Thanks for the nod.

OP posts:
Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 20:01

@billy1966

We had Nutellagate here in this house and I swear...... what is it about some things that just light a fuse in a woman.???😱

For me it was finding the Nutella jar in the pantry with a spoon stuck in it.🤬

I swear it's a wonder the top of my head didn't explode when I found it for the 3rd!!!!! Yes the 3rd time.

😬🤣

Fucking liberties! Grin
OP posts:
Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 20:02

Why was she living in Dubai if she wasn't earning enough to be self supporting?

She was please read the thread

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 18/09/2020 20:07

@Strawberrydaiquiris

Why was she living in Dubai if she wasn't earning enough to be self supporting?

She was please read the thread

I have read the thread. I just read "she lost her job due to Covid and moved back" 🤷🏻‍♀️
OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 18/09/2020 20:09

She goes to the gym early in the morning and has a protein shake. Then goes work and doesn’t eat anything. Then when she gets in she ‘low carbs’ ( so basically grazing on protein till about 8pm then raids the cupboards looking for sweet stuff.

She's probably fucking famished from not eating all day. Tell her to take lunch to work. Make a big cheese salad in the morning, lentil soup or whatever. Plenty of low carb options.

Khajit · 18/09/2020 20:10

I'd make it clear that the driving lessons are her Xmas present and just buy her a couple of bits like chocolate and nail varnish so she has something to open on the day.

Get her to pay something per month even if you don't call it rent, she's using food, broadband, electricity etc so should contribute.

I moved back home at about that age for a bit, and I gave my folks £250 per month. It was still way less than I was paying on rent before!

MuseumOfYou · 18/09/2020 20:11

Low carb is a really expensive way to eat! That's why she's picking at the meat when it's for everyone. I would put her portion and tell her that, but also if she were contributing to the cost then her buying some more specific foods she really likes (high protein, low carb) would be reasonable too. You can't just eat everyone else's meat non-stop and leave none for their dinners or lunch!

Definitely this! Just had student son go back to uni. Turned his nose up at some toast for a snack, too carby, would rather polish off the half of yesterday's dinner during the day, leaving us with not enough that night. Having to cook a second meal. DH would go to make his sandwiches for work and all the ham would be gone....Our food bill doubled over the summmer.

MuseumOfYou · 18/09/2020 20:13

But strangely, still happy to have beer bought for him and finish the chocolate when no one was looking!
But it's only short term, so more manageable.

OhioOhioOhio · 18/09/2020 20:15

I don't know. My xh is horrible. Assuming he's not horrible I'd say you need to look at your week and get some company. But I'd be disappointed if I was you too.

HorsePellets · 18/09/2020 20:23

FGS - she is TWENTY FIVE! Stop enabling this infantilising nonsense!

At twenty five I was married, had a mortgage, and was pregnant, with all the attendant responsibilities, worries, and cares that those things bring. If I’d had to move back in with my parents at that age due to losing my job then I’m certain they would have done their best kindly and with love to help me get back on my feet as quickly as possible (by doing much the same as you with not paying board etc) , but my attitude wouldn’t have been one of expectation and eye-rolling, and if by some chance it was I would have been told to shape up or ship out.

Everything about this post reads as if she’s an 18 year old home from uni. She isn’t.

She needs a sharp, firm discussion about the realities of life, with a clear explanation about the consequences of what will happen if she doesn’t sort herself out.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 18/09/2020 20:24

Low carb is expensive to eat if it means loads of meat. Is she any good with pulses, beans?

katy1213 · 18/09/2020 20:37

You should be charging a realistic sum for her keep. And she is far too old to have driving lessons paid for by her parents, that ship sailed several years ago. If you and your husband (who is not her father) can afford driving lessons for younger siblings at some stage in the future, that is immaterial. And £400 is FAR too much for a birthday for adult children; £50 would be more than generous. Entitled little madam.

ColleagueFromMars · 18/09/2020 20:38

At 13:32 today @user27378 had a really good party and I agree about that way of handling it.

I think I would-

  • Have a quiet word with her in private and tell her that you were hurt by her comments about you being tight, when she knows full well your do not have a job right now.
  • tell her that you expect your grocery shopping to last the full week and the way she's been eating it, it isn't, and that you will feed her breakfast, lunch and dinner (the same as everybody else is having) and if she wants to eat more expensive low carb meals and any snacks she will need to buy them herself. You will clear her a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge so there is no conflation over whose is whose.
  • I note but wouldn't say anything to her about the "low carb" diet- binging on carbs after 8pm is the most unhealthy time of day to do it and means that overall she is most definitely not eating low carb. Metabolically she's be much better off having carbs in the morning for breakfast or lunch or sustainably throughout the day. Clearly her low carb diet isn't sustainable for her if she binges sugar stuff at night.
ColleagueFromMars · 18/09/2020 20:39

Post, not party Blush

katy1213 · 18/09/2020 20:40

What kind of low-carb diet includes jars of Nutella? (Asking for a friend.)

Pebblexox · 18/09/2020 20:42

@katy1213 when you find out can you let me know. That's the kind of low carb diet I've been looking for my whole life

Butterfly3105 · 18/09/2020 20:42

You’re not being unreasonable I paid for my own lessons when I learnt to drive in my early twenties from my salary it was around £200+ a month considering she’s not paying rent that’s more than fair

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 20:44

@Butterfly3105

You’re not being unreasonable I paid for my own lessons when I learnt to drive in my early twenties from my salary it was around £200+ a month considering she’s not paying rent that’s more than fair
Right, so because no one offered to pay for your lessons, the daughter should have refused the offer to pay for hers.

Poor you.

Butterfly3105 · 18/09/2020 20:50

Bluntness100

“Right, so because no one offered to pay for your lessons, the daughter should have refused the offer to pay for hers.

Poor you.”

No actually my first 10 lessons (a block) were paid for by my mum but I have some pride and independence at the age of 23 wanted to take responsibility for my own personal development, that blunt enough for you?

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2020 20:51

Good for you. You’re so much better than her daughter.

Gold star.

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 21:10

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

She goes to the gym early in the morning and has a protein shake. Then goes work and doesn’t eat anything. Then when she gets in she ‘low carbs’ ( so basically grazing on protein till about 8pm then raids the cupboards looking for sweet stuff.

She's probably fucking famished from not eating all day. Tell her to take lunch to work. Make a big cheese salad in the morning, lentil soup or whatever. Plenty of low carb options.

I’ve offered to make her lunch when I’m doing the dc. She said no.
OP posts:
Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 21:12

@MuseumOfYou

But strangely, still happy to have beer bought for him and finish the chocolate when no one was looking! But it's only short term, so more manageable.
Yes there was a request for a beer at the bbq we just had Grin
OP posts:
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