Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think the DD has a point, behaving like that. I think there might be reasons behind it that are not just being a spoilt cow, and ways of addressing it that are not just 'I don't want to pay to feed you'.

I'm just trying to imagine being 25, having to come home from a job abroad, living with my mum and her cosy nice husband and two new children in their little posh school uniforms when I went to state school and had a useless dad, and my mum (in my eyes) is begrudging me food. That is upsetting, whatever the accuracy/inaccuracy of the picture. The OP shouldn't change any of that, or feel guilty about it of course - but she might TALK to her DD about it. It is probably where the bratty cow behaviour comes from.

And maybe the DD SHOULDN'T mind - but if you are somebody who only ever behaves in a reasonable and rational way and has reasonable tidy emotions, well done you, but I'm pretty sure you're in the minority.

Regardless of she being your child she is an adult.
The reason we have so many people who can't treat partners with respect and be strong financially is because parents have pampered them well into adult hood.
If she were a son living like this would you allow it? Raise him like that to go out there and treat a female partner like that?
How many times have we all complained about partners being lazy or selfish with money or being spoiled by inlaws making them like over grown kids?
This is how it happens!
She's an adult with a job and does need to pay some sort of bored and at least needs to respect she can't go eating everyone food leaving nothing.
You're not helping her in long run. Even paying for food in another country.... What's it teaching her in long run? How will she ever learn to be independent and manage money and have her own adult life?

I am also wondering if you have said anything to her when she eats all of the lunch meat or all of the dinner? Have you pulled her up on this? It's just incredibly rude behavior.

I think she is being incredibly entitled. If at 25 she was working abroad and her flat was paid for by work then why the hell was she not saving? When work reduced her wages, you shouldn't have had to step in. At 25 and with a job she should be paying for her own driving lessons and at least a contribution towards your food shop . I would have asked for keep to be honest. She will always be 'your' child but 25 is not a child. As an adult she needs to take responsibility for herself and that involves not eating you out of house and home.

Her childhood doesn't have to be the same as her younger siblings for it to be fair. For example your younger kids going to a fee paying school (assume your dh and you both normally contribute), her dad didn't so she couldn't go but you did the best for her that your circumstances allowed and got her into a good school regardless.

You need to speak to her openly, as an adult and explain how much extra she is costing you. As her parent, naturally you won't begrudge her breakfast, lunch or dinner but extras cost money that she needs to put forward. Also her eating habits sound greedy and unpleasant, I would point them out to her so she can change them.

Not that you are but even if you were being tight, aka being careful, what about it? You are the primary adult and it is your money buying the food. A serious word needs to be had about food consumption, consideration, attitude and maturity. Your dh sounds like he is too indulgent too which is nice to see he doesn't treat her differently to his birth children but you have to both be on the same page.

@Giganticshark

She probably sees her younger siblings getting their private education, two well off parents, happy family experience.... And she's feeling left out? They're getting things she didn't get.

I wondered if the find was 'Symbolic'.. esp as she eats the stuff bought in for the half sibs.. I know a young adult who does feel aggrieved at his half sibling who has only known two parents, {their father is the same} stability and heavy spoiling.

The fact of having a father there can cause envy...because being brought up with one parent isn't the same as having two.

Just an observation.. She may resent the younger one's stability and 'comfort' {?}

Food being symbolic, not 'find'...bloody predictive text.

Can you have a conversation with her about how much would be a fair contribution to the grocery bills now that she is working? Completely understand why you said she didn't need to pay her keep at the time, but it's proving harder for you as time goes on and her situation has now changed.

What’s interesting is your husband isn’t having the same aversion to her as you are. He offered to pay for the lessons, you’re the one who took issue, he eve. Tried to defend it. You were the one who told her not to pay board.

But you’re resenting having her back, you don’t want her there, and it is coming out in ways about complains about what she eats, objecting to your husband offering her driving lessons,

I suspect you have developed your new little family and having her back is something you wish to reject. You wish to prioritise your other children now. And I suspect she knows it.

I would definitely start charging her keep and explain that as she is eating everything and anything, you need the contribution. And if she eats something that is for her then she goes out and replaces it. As for the driving lessons, buy a block booking and buy a few, inexpensive stocking fillers. She’s 25, she knows Santa isn’t real!

@Bluntness100

What’s interesting is your husband isn’t having the same aversion to her as you are. He offered to pay for the lessons, you’re the one who took issue, he eve. Tried to defend it. You were the one who told her not to pay board.

But you’re resenting having her back, you don’t want her there, and it is coming out in ways about complains about what she eats, objecting to your husband offering her driving lessons,

I suspect you have developed your new little family and having her back is something you wish to reject. You wish to prioritise your other children now. And I suspect she knows it.

But OP says DH is terrible with money. It's more likely he doesn't understand finances are under strain rather than he has his step-daughter's back more than her own mother.

(have I understood correctly he is step-dad? Op says she was a single mum to dd).

Surely the same accusation could be levelled at the OP? She said her daughter didn't have to pay board, despite knowing that things were tight. They've both made promises - his is actually the more reasonable one imo.

@Bluntness100

What’s interesting is your husband isn’t having the same aversion to her as you are. He offered to pay for the lessons, you’re the one who took issue, he eve. Tried to defend it. You were the one who told her not to pay board.

But you’re resenting having her back, you don’t want her there, and it is coming out in ways about complains about what she eats, objecting to your husband offering her driving lessons,

I suspect you have developed your new little family and having her back is something you wish to reject. You wish to prioritise your other children now. And I suspect she knows it.

Bluntness I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you. Do you ever take a day off?

@Strawberrydaiquiris

You say She’s 25 and just spent two years flying round the world and staying in luxury hotels for work - work also paid for her apartment. She didn’t save a penny and when work reduced her pay dh and I topped it up. When she came back I told her she didn’t have to pay keep, I found her a job whilst she sorts a better one out. I have been financially and emotionally supporting her. The entire time.

And then you can’t understand why she doesn’t take any responsibility for herself - it’s because she has never been taught.

In fact, you and your DH seem to have gone out of your way to remove any life opportunity that would allow her to learn to take responsibility for herself:
You could have chosen not to send money abroad - or at least agreed a repayment plan.
You could have asked her to pay board and lodgings when she returned home.
You could have asked her to pay board and lodgings when she started her new job.
You could have let her find her own job. Seriously, you found a job for a 25 year old!

No wonder she is acting like an overgrown teenager. That is how you treat her.

I suggest you re-set your expectations and make it clear she will now be treated like an adult. Which means.

You need to be charging her for bed and board. I assume you wish her to continue to fully participate in family life while living at home so I suggest you include a sum for food so that you can all cook and eat together as a family.

With regards to her eating lots and using lots of toiletries, I think you just need to buy more and make bigger quantities of food. Seriously, she’s not overweight or unhealthy. You would probably resent it less if she was actually contributing as above though. Although personally I would not stand for anyone picking ‘the best bits’ out of a dish whatever their age, because it’s just rude. So I’d pull her up on that. I’d also remind her to update shopping lists if items get finished, or even tell her she needs to go to the supermarket and replace stuff if she finishes it. Like real adults do.

With regards to the offer of driving lessons, stop blaming your DD because you have a DH problem. You say your DH is bad with money and offered without understanding the cost. That’s not your DDs fault. Don’t blame her because your DH can’t manage money. I suggest a compromise. Either delay until after Christmas so they can be a gift. Or maybe give a few introductory ones now and the rest after Christmas. Or treat her like an adult and ask her which she’d prefer, reminding her that if she wants all the lessons now, this means on Christmas day she’ll only get a box of chocolates and a pair of socks or similar. To be fair, I’m sure she isn’t expecting Santa to bring her lots of gifts.

Oh, and seriously talk to your DH as it sounds like when it comes to financial matters, you have not one but two irresponsible adult babies living in your house right now.

But OP says DH is terrible with money. It's more likely he doesn't understand finances are under strain rather than he has his step-daughter's back more than her own mother

He is ridiculously generous and would give away his last penny, he pays very little attention to what is in the bank. I, however am a saver and he is very greatful of it since I lost my job. Other wise we’d be fucked.

10 driving lessons costs around £250 (according to DSA stats, it will vary by area).

12 months of the DD not paying board of (let's say) £150-£200 a month will cost the OP nearly £1,800 - £2,400.

Buy the driving lessons because you are planning to do so for your other children. It's fair. But make her pay board because she is an adult with a job and paying your way is part of the deal - that's also fair.

Bluntness I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you. Do you ever take a day off?

🤣😂

It's utterly bizarre that you were sending her 'up to £400' a month while she was away, told her she didn't need to pay board when she returned, and are now quietly seething because she eats a lot of Nutella and your DH has promised her £250 worth of driving lessons.

You've actually done her no favours at all - has she ever been treated as an adult in her life? People have a tendency to live up to how you treat them.

Your DD needs to grow up, ask her to contribute to grocery's, maybe a little keep if she's working full time. I'd be particularly annoyed about the driving lessons, they're ridiculously expensive, especially when you're shelling out for them instead of your DD. Your DH sounds lovely, although a little careless with his money, maybe have a talk with him privately about saving and budgeting etc?

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Surely the same accusation could be levelled at the OP? She said her daughter didn't have to pay board, despite knowing that things were tight. They've both made promises - his is actually the more reasonable one imo.

How do you know OP didn't check with him first?

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

It's utterly bizarre that you were sending her 'up to £400' a month while she was away, told her she didn't need to pay board when she returned, and are now quietly seething because she eats a lot of Nutella and your DH has promised her £250 worth of driving lessons.

You've actually done her no favours at all - has she ever been treated as an adult in her life? People have a tendency to live up to how you treat them.

But that was when OP had a job and her DD had a massive pay cut and was living off cereal. OP was being a good mum! But not dd is taking the piss.

Whether she checked or not is irrelevant - my point was that the OP has also promised her DD a hell of a lot of money (in saved board). If she is so good at managing the purse strings she'd have done the maths and realised how much it would cost before making the promise.

@Strawberrydaiquiris LOL on the "day off post!?" I think you and hubby need to get on the same page otherwise asking your daughter to contribute to food or presents,etc will be pointless