Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

@mrscampbellblackagain

Right, so DD should just watch her privileged mum and siblings in their nice comfortable set up and feel awkward for eating an adults portion (which lets face it it she’s not over weight and not throwing it up then that’s what it is) of food.

I think OP’s DH pretty much hit the nail on the head in his comment about the driving lesions ‘we’ll pay for our kids to have them so it’s only fair’
EXACTLY I think even he can see a bit of inequality going on.

Do you spend less if you pay for driving lessons when they’re 17 vs 25? Did you offer to pay for them at 17?

To me this situation (and I have seen it happen first hand) smacks of playing favourites amongst children.

YANBU.

Although of course, even at 24, if my parents offered me hundreds of pounds for Xmas I'm hardly gonna reject it.

She's slim and exercising so she isn't overeating, she just has a larger appetite than you, which would be expected given the difference in age between you.

A third of a jar of nutella in one go is overeating no matter how big an appetite you have,

My DS pays 20% of earnings a month for keep and that included being taken from his Universal Credit before he got a job.

Even when he was on UC? Think that's a bit tight and quite mean actually.

I notice that you said she especially likes the snacks you buy for the younger children. Do you buy her her own special snacks?
Her taking more of her share from the main meal is selfish, and she needs to leave your stuff alone too
Is she used to house sharing?
Ask her to cook a meal a couple of times a week.
I'd put a voucher in a Christmas card for her driving lessons and she can wait until then to get them

A third of a jar of nutella in one go is overeating no matter how big an appetite you have

Her TDEE will be quite high for calories actually if she goes to the gym everyday. If she isn't gaining weight then she isn't eating a net surplus of calories when you factor in exercising.

So she's not overeating otherwise she would be gaining weight.

It's not healthy though!!!

I’d second suggestions of plating up food rather than putting it out to share.
I’d maybe also have a ‘I’m gonna get some treats for us because I need us to leave the little ones stuff alone. What do you fancy?’ Then go to a local cheap bargain store and load up on £1 multipacks of snacks.

You just sound so resentful OP, if everything, even Christmas! You’ve said she’s lived independently (bar a bit of financial support here and there) since she was 19, I really don’t think it’s beyond the realms of decent parenting to put her up and feed here for a while.

It would be different if you were genuinely struggling ... but you’re not, you’re just choosing to spend your money on your other children and their ‘school fees’.

I think that if you haven't raised the food issue with her yet then YABU to be getting annoyed, as she probably doesn't realise. It's awkward to police someone's eating habits though, especially a young woman.

A frank conversation is the only way to move forward, I think - "DD, you are welcome to 1/5 of whatever meals I cook and the basics in the cupboard, but please purchase your own snacks from now on".

With regard to the driving lessons, I think you have a DH problem. Of course she is going to assume that you can afford it if he's offered and that you're being mean, you need to speak to him privately and get him to show a united front.

And plating up the food sounds like a good idea too!

@Ellmau

She's slim and exercising so she isn't overeating, she just has a larger appetite than you, which would be expected given the difference in age between you.

A third of a jar of nutella in one go is overeating no matter how big an appetite you have,

Do we even know what size jar it is? There's a big range.

"A whole jar" is masses if it's one of the jumbo ones, not so much if it's the tiny one.

Tbh, at 25, for someone who exercises, it doesn't sound like she is overeating at all. She might be choosing less healthy foods, but that's not the same thing.

It seems a bit strange to not charge someone keep and then begrudge them for it. You could ask her to contribute to the shopping. It seems like you are providing everything, letting her use your products then quietly seething about it. I would be completely clear on what she should contribute and what products she can use so there are no egg shells or resentments.

I think she's bloody rude with her tight comment.

I think that should be the basis of a chat.
You have lost your job.
You have been sending her money for months too...hardly bloody tight.

Give her one more month of rent free and start charging.

Her working bills free for two years saving nothing is very poor...
She needs it spelt out to her...
She is 25, not 18...

The eating anything and everything that isn't nailed down is rude and selfish.

Give her space to buy snacks, protein foods etc.
Give her a good portion and tell her that is it.

OP, I think it is so rude to just eat everything that you like and to hell with everyone else.

My eldest went through a stage like that and I went through him for a short cut.
So selfish and rude.

Unfortunately you have married a bit of a child that needs financial managing ....tell him not to make promises without consulting you.

I would pay for the 10 lessons, whilst reiterating that they are her Christmas present, a very very big present.

But a few stocking fillers and that's it.

The going through your toiletries is extremely rude....that's the shit some teenagers do....until they are put right!!
Very rude......

You sound like a great mum, whonhas made a great success of your life and supported your daughter.

Sometimes some of us are guilty of spoiling our children and perhaps indulging them tok much but I generally crack when a line is crossed and put them straight.

That needs to happen here.

25 is too old to think that paying for stuff is what other people do🙄🤣

@holdmysocks

I think that if you haven't raised the food issue with her yet then YABU to be getting annoyed, as she probably doesn't realise. It's awkward to police someone's eating habits though, especially a young woman.

A frank conversation is the only way to move forward, I think - "DD, you are welcome to 1/5 of whatever meals I cook and the basics in the cupboard, but please purchase your own snacks from now on".

With regard to the driving lessons, I think you have a DH problem. Of course she is going to assume that you can afford it if he's offered and that you're being mean, you need to speak to him privately and get him to show a united front.

1/5 of the food? With 3 adults and 2 children, surely it's a quarter? And if she naturally needs more than the other two adults because of her metabolism/level of exercise, it will be more than a quarter.

If she has less, it will just leave her hungry so she'll snack on more junky stuff afterwards - it's far better that she has a decent portion of something nutritious.

Policing her portions is really not the way to go here - just get her to contribute financially and make bigger dinners. She is maintaining her weight so she isn't overeating, and no-one should be shamed into going hungry at the dinner table when there is enough money to feed everyone.

She sounds greedy, eating a tub of Nutella in 3 days is excessive and disgusting. If she has any sort of money coming in I would charge a bit of board if she is eating above and beyond a reasonable amount. The driving lessons meh, it seems a bit pathetic for a nearly 30 year old to be expecting things paid for on a plate.

YANBU, this drives me mad! I'm in a very similar situation with my brother (a 27yo recovery addict who is living with me temporarily). It's impossible - when I put stuff in separate cupboards he says I'm being petty, when he eats a whole punnet of raspberries and I say something he says I'm tight. It's impossible! If she's working I'd ask her to do her own shopping, or to contribute towards your food shop given that she obviously likes what you're buying. Also a stern word re respect when it comes to eating stuff that's for everyone. You have my sympathies - my brother is a gym bunny too. They're hungry types!

This is what happens when you don’t treat them like adults and let them live at home for nothing, I’m afraid. If you’d charged her a nominal amount when she moved back home, you wouldn’t be facing this now.

Also - I'd be asking her to make a couple of the family meals a week. If she is contributing financially and also planning a few meals, she will have more ownership over the type and quantity of food being bought.

She is an adult - treat her like one. That means giving her both freedoms and responsibilities.

I would pay the driving lessons though. You are doing it for your other kids.

She sounds like she has disordered eating and is either purging and/or over exercising.

Sorry - that's a huge amount of food to eat if she is slim and it sounds like she is bingeing.

It’s your daughter who’s tight, not to mention selfish and greedy. Start charging her for her keep and save the driving lessons for Christmas.

50 a week food contribution
50 a week bills contribution
As a minimum
House work rota .she does a third of cleaning

Seriously everyone who thinks the DD has a point - did you move back home at 25 and eat greedily, steal your mums nice toiletries and make snide comments about your mum being tight?

I know I didn't. I suspect the vast majority of us at that age were standing on our own two feed.

It is nice to be able to help one's adult children but a little gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

Are people honestly suggesting that her step siblings who are 20 years younger shouldn't go to private school because she didn't? I suspect she benefited in other ways, being an only child, getting lots of attention, very involved younger grandparents.

feet not feed! I am clearly obsessed with the food aspect

It’ll be difficult to get lessons/a test before Christmas as there is a Covid backlog. Did you ever pay school fees for her? It must be difficult to watch her siblings getting opportunities she didn’t. That and life is very tough on the young, with rising unemployment, high housing costs etc. To her you ARE loaded. The cost of driving lessons will be much less a fraction of your income than hers.

I do think you need to ask for some contribution to the bills, though.

I was with you when I thought your “small DC” were primary age. But 17? There’s not a huge difference in her eyes I’m sure.

@MummaGiles OP says the siblings are 18 years younger