Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

I would find this very frustrating.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money

If you really have separate money then get him to pay for replacements.

Other suggestions

• time the washing differently so you are around when it finishes
• separate differently and put sticker on - ALL CAN BE TUMBLE DRIED or conversely JUST HANG - DO NOT TUMBLE

Why are you paying for replacements? If you have separate money make him pay

then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it

This is gaslighting.

He ruins, he pays for the replacements.

Make the eejit pay for new clothes! That would piss me right off

He should not only pay for replacements but do the actual purchase so it sinks in how much his carelessness is costing.

I would also stick a massive a4 piece of paper on the tumble dryer saying 'DO NOT TUMBLE DRY XYZ' to make it perfectly clear.

He's an idiot and extremely annoying. How about sticking a notice on the washing machine 'do not put in dryer' so he can't 'forget'. You shouldn't have to do this I know but that may work. If you pool your money then he is paying towards replacements. If you don't then why not? Again it's not an easy fix but thee is no reason why people who share a bed shouldn't share finances.

Ah cross posted

@Sarahandduck18 I think you nailed it on the head there regarding gaslighting. We are also doing up the house.
Yesterday I went out to pick flooring for our downstairs he wasn't interested in going looking and told me very clearly he didn't mind what I chose. Came home showed him a photo of it and he said I'm not a big fan but if you like it.

Shrink his clothes on purpose?

Strategic incompetence. If he does a job badly then he gets points for "helping" but also disincentivises you from asking for more help in the future.

Also seems like a passive aggressive thing, as it is your money that is being wasted. Make him buy the replacements.

Is he genuinely a bit stupid? If not then I agree it's strategic incompetence. Tell him to pack it in, that it is not 'help' as he's not a child; it's his share of looking after his household; and that you don't give a shit what his friends do or don't do. Ask him if he is not ashamed that he cannot follow simple instructions or read a care label. Ask him what would happen if he behaved like this at work.

He should not only pay for replacements but do the actual purchase so it sinks in how much his carelessness is costing.

Absolutely!

Just tell him to stop helping if he cant be bothered to do it properly as hed wasting money, time and making more work

@MyOwnSummer

Strategic incompetence. If he does a job badly then he gets points for "helping" but also disincentivises you from asking for more help in the future.

Also seems like a passive aggressive thing, as it is your money that is being wasted. Make him buy the replacements.

Totally this, he knows exactly what he's doing and he's just waiting for you to tell him to stop

Why is he deliberately sabotaging? What's going on?

[quote masiemoo]@Sarahandduck18 I think you nailed it on the head there regarding gaslighting. We are also doing up the house.
Yesterday I went out to pick flooring for our downstairs he wasn't interested in going looking and told me very clearly he didn't mind what I chose. Came home showed him a photo of it and he said I'm not a big fan but if you like it. [/quote]
Don't see the comment about the flooring as anything other than he isn't bothered. If you like it then it's fine by him. Just think yourself lucky you didn't both go and spend ages trying to find flooring you both like. My husband would be much the same, flooring is for standing on or walking on not a work of art. The only time he took interest in floors etc was when the children were little and he wanted to make sure it was safe and ok for them to play on.

Stop going out until the wash has finished...that way you can hang it out and make sure it doesnt end up in the dryer.

Getting him to buy replacements is only helpful if they have separate money and clothes specifically come out of OP's budget.

I know this is not the point, but basic school uniform shouldn't be shrinking in the drier. Are you sure there's not an issue with your drier?

When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap.

Yeah, he's just another sexist entitled pig who thinks you should do all the shitwork because you're a woman but is too cowardly to say so directly so references his equally repellent mates.

Seriously, how do women tolerate these lunkheads?

Its plain laziness I'm afraid. If he did this at work he would not be allowed to get away with it.
There is one bloke at work who behaves like this, dumps the stock in a heap rather than put it away properly, doesn't clean his room at the end of the day (medical) comes in late and expects the other staff to set up his room for him so it's all ready and so on and so forth.
Eventually someone complained and he got a proper bollocking.
He does it now but not without constant bitching.

my husband is banned from laundry. He is shit at it. Even the way he puts stuff on the line irritates the shit out of me. And the stuff he's ruined....

He does loads of other stuff in the house, laundry is mine.

He's not interested in picking the flooring then has the audacity to complain about it? He sounds like a knob

It's nice of him to help but this would annoy me big time also. Some men just don't bother with fine details like this. I had to remind my dear late husband about this type of thing every single time and he'd still forget. It was like his brain cells just couldn't/wouldn't take it on board. I fear the only thing you can do is make sure that the washer finishes when you are at home so that you deal with it.

As for the items he's already ruined - I suggest you throw them at him, and say, "You shrank them, you fix them," then walk (stomp) away.

For what it's worth, I believe that some shrunken items can be left overnight in a bowl of washing up water and then pulled back to length but it might not work with all items.

His behaviour is unacceptable

It's sunny - no need for a tumble drier tbh. This would annoy me too as I hand most stuff up and only really use tumble dryer for stuff like sheets, towels.
Maybe take the plug off so it's not usable. He needs to replace stuff he ruins too. I hate the way men seem to think we should be grateful that they're doing anything at all - even if they're doing it badly.