Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

[InvincibleInvisibility]

At least get him to do the legwork to replace the ruined clothes OP

[Itsalwayshard]

I used to take the fuse out of the plug while I was out so DH couldn't use the tumble dryer. After constantly replacing mine and DC clothes numerous times I'd had enough.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Break/sabotage the tumble drier and dry everything on the line or on an airer.

Plenty of us don't have tumble driers and we manage. It will stop him shrinking the clothes, anyway.

[LunchBoxPolice]

He is either massively stupid or he has no respect for you. Probably a combination of the two.

[LindaEllen]

It's good that he wants to help around the house, that's step one of the battle won.

But flipping heck, how annoying that he just does it in this way, therefore basically making things harder for you!

Is there perhaps something else that he could do to help instead? Maybe washing up, hoovering, the ironing? I don't know, but just say to him that you're tired of arguing over the washing, so you will do it yourself, but would he be able to help in x, y or z way instead.

To be honest though, it just sounds like utter laziness to me. Yes, he's helping, but making the absolute bare minimum effort, just throwing everything in at once without checking. Just be straight and ask him to either separate the clothes properly or just don't do it at all.

I couldn't be doing with this, I really couldn't.

[Rigamorph]

DP was unable/unwilling to separate whites from reds and delicates from others...I have had to make a foolproof system with different washing baskets, complete with labels.
Means our hallway looks like a launderette but the system works.
Rather than go on the attack you could ask him what would help him to remember (my DP likes the labels, although I would personally find them patronising!)
Good luck OP!!

[HugeAckmansWife]

lindaellen it's not HELPING, it's being an adult in a household and doing your share. Even if he did it perfectly, he would still not be 'helping' the OP because its not her task that he's done for her. It's a household task that he has equal responsibility for!!!

[Coyoacan]

OP, you work, look after the children, buy their things out of your own money and do all the housework, what does this man bring to your life?

[ImANosyNeighbour]

Why aren’t you telling him to buy replacements? Why are you buying them yourself? Teach him a lesson and tumble dry some of his favourite clothes so they resemble something the borrower’s would wear. Do you think he would realise then?
This man is irritating at best and a waste of space at worst.

[myusernamewastakenbyme]

Today 15:01Coyoacan

OP, you work, look after the children, buy their things out of your own money and do all the housework, what does this man bring to your life?

Err maybe he does the gardening...puts the bins out...diy...does his fair share of cooking and other cleaning...car maintenance etc
I am a control freak when it comes to laundry so would rather do it all myself...and yes if someone was ruining mine or the kids stuff i'd do it myself rather than keep forking out for new clothes.

[Thinkingg]

Once is an accident - this is not giving a shit.

Tell him from now on, anything he shrinks, he needs to replace. Including shopping for it and paying.

Though I can't see things working out when he respects your stuff so little. Maybe you need to think about whether the relationship overall is healthy.

[GarlicMcAtackney]

no, do not give him a list, do not put little signs up, let him feel the hit to his wallet and find out how to replace the items he deliberately destroyed, he can figure it out. No need to coax adults through basic life skills unless you really enjoy humiliating yourself.

[CandidaAlbicans2]

I think I'm going to reassign different tasks and leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?

Jesus Fucking Christ, OP, you're letting him off the hook! He's not a child so he doesn't need a to do list or an instruction guide on how to engage his fucking brain! Sod being "frustrated", sod giving him an easier job that he can't mess up (he could do anything badly if he doesn't give a shit!), sod having polite chats with him about it Where's your anger?! I'm more angry about it than you are and I'm not even married to the useless twat. He's taking the piss. Why isn't he accountable for his fuck ups? He should be ashamed then go out and buy replacement articles with his own money but instead you are. If he was my DH I'd lose my shit and no way would I be spending my money to rectify his many "mistakes" (caused purely by carelessness). If that didn't work I'd "accidentally" ruin his stuff then just shrug it off, but by that time I'd have such little respect for him that the relationship is doomed. Stop enabling his pathetic attitude and stop being a doormat

[Nowstrong]

He's most probably doing it on purpose so you ask him to stop doing it....

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Mine is currently paying me back for the expensive fish tank filter he broke whilst 'helping' but also whilst shouting 'you don't need to tell me, I know' about all the points I was reminding him of whilst doing it..

As a result he did not remember to take off the primer valve cap, and so instead of pulling the motor unit off the cannister, he pulled the cover off the motor unit, breaking several pieces and rendering the thing totally duff, and so he had to go out and get a replacement immediately (or you know, lose several hundred quids worth of fish to ammonia poisoning instead)...

He thinks I will forget he is to pay me back for this (my card used to buy it)... I won't.

[LilyLongJohn]

Just hand him the washing he's shrunk and tell him he needs to go and buy replacements before x day.

[QuestionMarkNow]

I would tell him that the dcs all need a whole lot of new uniforms as HE has shrunk them in the tumble dried. And that HE has to take them shopping to replace them all. Oh and it needs to be done befire Monday and they go back to school.

Then leave it. Ask if he has done it etc... remind him that dcs will need a uniform to go to school. That’s it.

On Monday am leave him getting the dcs ready and to take them to school. Make yourself scarce and ket him deal with it all.

Of course he doesn’t care atm. He doesn’t have to buy the stuff, he doesn’t have to fork the money or think about when he will do said shopping. None of it is an issue

(That and also the fact he is a twat for not listening and saying ‘he is doing you a favour’ really?!?)

[QuestionMarkNow]

@masiemoo

Just getting through some of the replies now which are making me laugh. I think I'm going to reassign different tasks and leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?

No please NO.
Do not do that!! @masiemoo

He is getting away with it. He will end up doing the bits he doesn’t mind too much or nothing at all if he is still ‘not been careful enough’ with the next task.
And you will have told him that he is right. You can’t ask him to be careful. He is only helping and dare you pulling him up on his total lack of care?

It might feel like the easiest way out of that. In reality you are just digg8ng yourself deeper into the role of the caretaker whilst Mr I’m above all that malarkey get away with murder

[Havaiana]

OP, I don't think you replied re finances. Do you pool money together? Why are you paying for dc clothes?

[billy1966]

He sounds like a nasty pig, that is deliberately winding you up.

OP, I would bet you this is not in isolation.
I bet he does other things that upset, disrespect, frustrate you deliberately and then gaslights you that it's YOU that has the problem.

Good, kind, supportive men do NOT do this.

Nasty pricks do.

Have a good hard, cool look at what is going on.

In a healthy happy home, one partner doesn't deliberately try to cause additional stress.

It happens in abusive homes and sometimes it's subtle and one partner is just confused by how stressed and anxious they are....

Perhaps I'm wrong and he's just a thick as shit man that refuses to follow a simple instruction....then make him pay for replacing the items.

Your finances are so superate that you alone pay for the children's clothes...

So whilst you are worried about money...he is deliberately wasting money and stressing you.....

Have a good hard look at the dynamics...

Protect yourself

[morefun]

That sounds really annoying! My boyfriend stayed with us during lockdown. He does certain things differently to me, such as the way he hangs washing. After me mentioning once that I prefer tops hung from the bottom, for example, he just does it. And I'm not being picky for the sake of it - it's the difference between needing to iron or not. Can't stand ironing!

[BlusteryShowers]

I'd be really annoyed at this and I wouldn't be advocating seeing labels into everything. It is not up to you to do his thinking for him. I've accidentally tumbled a couple of DHs football shirts before and I do make an effort to spot them now. Accidents happen, but this sounds like he is not trying, and the gaslighting would make me furious.

If it get wrecked, he needs to pay.

[SBTLove]

I wonder if he’s ruined any of his own stuff or just what OP pays for?

[Catiopea]

In this house when dishes were not being washed properly on someone’s ‘turn’ I suggested the culprit be in charge of all washing up since they obviously needed the practise.

Needless to say the quality of dish washing improved dramatically v v quickly.

I agree with PP about making his problems with completing his tasks his responsibility to solve.

Until someone takes or is made to take full ownership for the problems they themselves caused then nothing will really change ime.

[Brefugee]

Make it his problem to replace everything.

But: YABU to use a dryer