Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

[hesaidshesaidwhat]

I just cannot believe the number of posters telling the OP to be at home when the wash finishes, or sort the washes for him. This is 2020 not 1950!

OP, he's showing how little respect he has for you and the work you do. He sees houseworks as beneath him, does it to make out he is doing something. If you say he hasn't done it correctly, he will probably stop doing it and use not meeting your 'standards' as an excuse to do nothing.

I would stop doing his laundry and stop cooking for him, stop doing anything related to his paperwork/family gifts etc (if you do these already obvs). Genuiningly if you 'attack' something that directly affects it's difficult for them to complain because well, they know what the answer would be.

[fuandylp]

Are the children not his? Because I don't understand why you have to pay for DD's clothes out of your wages and your wages have dropped so you're understandably worried about money.
If DD is also his then he should be contributing to her clothes anyway, whether you have shared finances or not. And even if she isn't his and he doesn't contribute to her clothes because the money comes from CM from her father, he should replace clothes that he has ruined.

Don't understand how someone can be so thick as to keep making the same "mistake" unless it's deliberate.
He sounds like a pain in the arse.

One of the many times my ex left me was over the fucking washing. I'd asked him to press the button on the washing machine while I was out. Everything was just ready to go. I don't like leaving the washing machine running while no one is in as it leaked once and I'm paranoid. Anyway, instead of just pressing the button he took all the dirty clothes out, apparently wondered to himself why the washing tab was still in amongst the clothes. Put the dirty clothes away in the cupboards. Shoved ALL my woollen cardigans and jumpers (which were waiting in the laundry basked to be handwashed) in the machine and washed them on hot and ruined everything.
Like, what the absolute fuck??
The whole thing ended up being my fault. He stormed off back to his parents. Then ended the relationship and I ended up having to replace all the ruined knitwear (which was about 400 quids worth...) because it was "my fault" apparently.

I'd ban him from touching the washing to be honest... but you need to sit down and share out other chores as it's not acceptable for both of you to be working and one person doing SFA around the home... and shoving some washing in and out of machines still counts as SFA, because that's not actually the time-consuming part of washing.

[InvincibleInvisibility]

It is so depressing how many posts are ways of getting around the H having to do some washing e.g. do other tasks, do it yourself etc.

He is either stupid (ignores repeated instructions) or highly incompetent. Im guessing he's neither in his job, just doing household chores...

I would a) make him replace everything and b) stop doing any chores for him (shopping, cooking, washing up etc) until he learns some respect and pulls his weight.

[GarlicMcAtackney]

‘It’s nice of him to help’ fucking hell, get your standards out of the gutter.

[Justaboy]

Yeah, he's just another sexist entitled pig who thinks you should do all the shitwork because you're a woman but is too cowardly to say so directly so references his equally repellent mates.

Seriously, how do women tolerate these lunkheads?

Yes absolutly!! best bet is to get a whip from the bedroom and give him some re-training!!

Else chuck him and get another, but that done will come with a load of "faults" too.

You know what they say, "if you want a job done well then DIY";!!!

[fuandylp]

He is either stupid (ignores repeated instructions) or highly incompetent. Im guessing he's neither in his job, just doing household chores...

Yup, this. My fucking lazy bastard ex couldn't operate a washing machine. Why the fuck not? He was a fucking electrician... and a good one at that.
Pure laziness and sexist too - men don't do the washing etc.

[notanothertakeaway]

@MyOwnSummer

Strategic incompetence. If he does a job badly then he gets points for "helping" but also disincentivises you from asking for more help in the future.

Also seems like a passive aggressive thing, as it is your money that is being wasted. Make him buy the replacements.

@MyOwnSummer nailed it

[fuandylp]

You know what they say, "if you want a job done well then DIY";!!!

Why the FUCK should the OP, or any of us for that matter, have to do every single job ourselves because some lazy bastard man can't seem to manage to carry out a simple household tax without cocking it up bigstyle.
Lazy, entitled fuckers.

[fuandylp]

task not tax obviously!

[SorrelBlackbeak]

@Justaboy

Yeah, he's just another sexist entitled pig who thinks you should do all the shitwork because you're a woman but is too cowardly to say so directly so references his equally repellent mates.

Seriously, how do women tolerate these lunkheads?

Yes absolutly!! best bet is to get a whip from the bedroom and give him some re-training!!

Else chuck him and get another, but that done will come with a load of "faults" too.

You know what they say, "if you want a job done well then DIY";!!!

Actually if you want a job done well, you don't do it yourself as that allows everyone else to be lazy arseholes while one person, usually female, scurries around cleaning up after the filthy beasts.

Instead, you spend the time standing over the incompetent creature again, and again, and again until it is not worth them getting it wrong because it will then be a 20 minute retraining rather than a 5 minute job to complete. It was time consuming and frustrating to treat my husband as a 4 year old for a few weeks but oh so worth it.

[BrummyMum1]

My DH’s attitude towards chores is always slightly half arsed but it’s not malicious. He genuinely has lower standards than me and tumbles and shrinks his own stuff as well. I started nagging and feeling frustrated that he wasn’t listening but the solution we found was a written list of who does what. Casual “helping” isn’t allowed unless pre-agreed.

[Sexnotgender]

@MotherPiglet

Just tell him to stop helping if he cant be bothered to do it properly as hed wasting money, time and making more work

No!!! Worst advice ever.

[thenightsky]

@AriettyHomily

my husband is banned from laundry. He is shit at it. Even the way he puts stuff on the line irritates the shit out of me. And the stuff he's ruined....

He does loads of other stuff in the house, laundry is mine.

Yes, same here. I keep threatening to take a photo of his line drying and post it on here. Honestly, its laughable. Pegs in the middle of the chest of a t-shirt for example.

If I go away overnight, I always say... 'do not touch the laundry'. I once went away for 3 nights and a whole 48 wash sized bottle of persil had been used up.

[Jigglypuffly]

Urrggghhhh my DH used to do EXACTLY this. He couldn't be arsed spending the time to check the labels, so just chucked it all in. I ended up 'accidentally' tumble drying a new, quite pricey woolen jumper of his which, of course, shrank. He now doesn't touch the washing now unless I've previously separated it 😂

[gandalf456]

Mine used to put the darks in with the whites when we first moved in together. It took ages for the penny to drop, as well. I am not sure at which point it happened. Maybe he wrecked something of his instead of my underwear

[Jigglypuffly]

P.s. My DH isn't an incompetent lunkhead (amazing word, btw 😁), he does WAY more than his fair share of household chores. Far, far more than I do. He's just shit at sorting out the washing. It isn't always a strategic incompetence/sexist thing......

[1forAll74]

Surely these are just domestic issues , that can be sorted out with some conversation with your Husband. If he sees the shrunken clothes that he has created, then surely he will get the message. Otherwise, tell him to stop doing the laundry.

[Hangingbasketofdoom]

I've put dark in with white for around 30 years now, has all been fine. Agree re the tumble dryer though.

[BeansMeansWines]

Send him off shopping to replace every shrunken item.

If he does it again then shrink all his stuff.

All the stories here of all the men who expect women to work and wash their socks too are a huge contributor to why I don’t have kids. I don’t want to nag my DP to be an adult and a parent.

[AintPageantMaterial]

Why do men like these refer to it as ‘helping’?
They’re not ‘helping’. They are doing their fare share of the domestic work in the house that they live in. They are 50% of the adults so 50% of the housework belongs to them.
Helping! Ffs!

[masiemoo]

@1forAll74 I've had the conversation with him on multiple occasions. The problem is he still keeps doing it. Ive been calm but I really feel he's just not listening and it's all a big joke to him

[bluebirdsong]

Why do separate the washing he does his stuff and towels/sheets you do yours and the kids stuff.
Or tell him to not touch the washing ever but make sure he’s pulling his weight around the house in another way.
Cost of replacements should absolutely come from his disposable income and he should be organising the replacements not you.

[masiemoo]

Just getting through some of the replies now which are making me laugh. I think I'm going to reassign different tasks and leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?

[mcmooberry]

My DH would only do this once as I would go absolutely bananas at the waste!

[SBTLove]

What an arse of a man!
Give him a list of replacement clothes needed and tell him you need them by Monday.