Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

It's both lazy and disrespectful.

Lazy because he can't be bothered to do the job properly. Disrespectful because sees the job as beneath him.

Ask him how he'd feel if you went and ruined all his stuff?

My husband used to do this and one day I COMPLETELY LOST MY SHIT.

Stop doing any of his washing, ironing, cooking, etc until he bucks up his ideas.

Is he deliberately sabotaging or is he just a incompetent fool?

I can’t fathom how an adult man could be so inept, along with the attitude that he’s ‘helping’ you with your wife- work. The washing is not your exclusive domain, tell the useless twat to change his ways.

@ginghamtablecloths no, it’s not nice of him to help. Running the house is 50/50 these days and not a woman’s job.

Can you give him some other jobs to do to help rather than him focusing on laundry? I do all our laundry for this reason - my DH would do same thing

very frustrating. maybe designate him a different job - like washing the dishes or hoovering. BTW he is not "helping" - he lives there too right? This really bums me out. I don't even allow the kids to say they are 'helping'. And also, I'm a single mum, to 2 kids, wfh, and having to work late and do early morning meetings, and I just get on with the housework as and when I can. I don't consider myself "helping" just cos I have "real" work to do as well... I feel your pain!!!! I'd make a list of jobs to be completed during the day - (not clothes or washing!), stick it on the fridge and then if he wants to "help" he can pick something off the list. I'd put cleaning the toilets as the first thing !!! Does he even clean them???

@ginghamtablecloths

He isn't actually helping though is he?

They both work so it's as much his responsibility as hers to do things in the house

Wait, wait - so you both work, but you "don't ask" him to do anything around the house. Why would you even need to ask, he lives there too. And you are expected to pay for things he has ruined, why?

Even if he is doing you a favour (he's not. A favour is driving out of your way for someone to collect something. Doing the family washing while you're at home is just normal life), it doesn't count if you don't actually do it right. It's a pet peeve of mine when people offer to do something and then when it's not done right attempt to retreat into the "look, I did it as a favour so you don't get to complain." Bollocks. Do something right or not at all.

And if you have separate finances, then clearly he must pay for the clothes he has destroyed.

Ban him from the washing entirely BUT - this is crucial - give him a different job to do to "help out" because you sooooo appreciate his help, of course, and you realise how lucky you are (lay it on thick).

Make that job something extremely tedious but un-fuck-upable, like daily hoovering & sweeping, or everything to do with the dishwasher and washing up.

And if you're running separate finances, sort that out. You're married and have kids - he needs to feel the effect of ruining the children's clothes himself.

Give him the pile of ruined clothes and TELL him he is to replace every single item, exactly the same. He will have to look at every single item and check the sizes etc. Might make him a bit more careful and also acquaint him with the importance of considering care labels.

[quote masiemoo]@Sarahandduck18 I think you nailed it on the head there regarding gaslighting. We are also doing up the house.
Yesterday I went out to pick flooring for our downstairs he wasn't interested in going looking and told me very clearly he didn't mind what I chose. Came home showed him a photo of it and he said I'm not a big fan but if you like it. [/quote]
The tumble drying is annoying and very odd

This example though.... really doesn’t fall under gas lighting IMO!

Let me guess, by some amazing happenstance none of his clothes were accidentally boilwashed, dyed, shrunk in the tumble drier , etc. Am I right?

    So, just  boil up his football shirt; or put his smartest work shirt  in the machine with  a new red towel. This is the  alternative  way to teach  laundry sorting.

Mines been at home too. Sick of him walking around in his joggers. I bet delivery drivers and stuff think he's a right lazy bum.

I think we are all just sick of this covid shit and the changes.

At least he's trying. But maybe just tell him what he can do instead like the bathroom or the pots.

Thanks. I took him for a 45 minutes park play. We was the only people there too. So unfair on the kids. It's like prison 2020. So restrictive. Constant rules and guidelines.

Pretty fed up of not being able to just pop in shops because I forgot my mask. Fed up of not being able to just enjoy a day out. Sick of avoiding people. Sick of my kid being home instead of being educated. Sick of school rules. Sick of queing up to take the kid in and collect her. Sick of not being allowed to see my friends. Sick of it all.

Now lifting my spirits much hearing them talking bout a second lockdown. What a drag!

Wrong post. God sake lol

Yeah, your 'D'H is doing this on purpose because he's lazy and doesn't give a shit whether he shrinks stuff or not, because YOU will sort it !

I'd be setting the dryer on high heat and washing all HIS shrinkable clothes in a wash, and if he hangs it up, he's rumbled, and if he just chucks it all in the drier without checking, it's HIS clothes that're ruined.
I'm absolutely positive he'll take notice if you do this !

For reference, my ExDH used to 'help' by vacuming and dusting when I asked him to. But he would get all arsey when I asked him why he didn't vacum under the dining table (couldn't be arsed to move the chairs) or lift things to dust the whole shelf etc

I'd tried everything I could think of to make him see that you need to do the jobs PROPERLY.

One day he asked me to clean the car as he had a 'big important' meeting with a client and wanted to look 'professional', so I DID wash and vacum the black BMW, I just missed some panels of the car and didn't move any of the rubbish in the car to clean underneath it, because ''it didn't look dirty to ME ! You're just being OCD !'' ( which is what he used to say to me )

Funny how he didn't see it from my point of view..... but he DID start helping properly afterwards !

I don't think he's trying. OP has told him several times that he needs to check and not put everything in the dryer, it's not really rocket science. He's doing it on purpose so he can claim he does a lot at home and OP should be happy, at the same time making sure OP chooses to do everything herself in the future.

The flooring I have some sympathy with him. Often you don't know what you want but when you see what you don't want you realise actually you really don't want that.
But the tumble drying would infuriate me.

I got so frustrated with DP and the washing (leaving his socks everywhere, not having the kids put their dirty stuff in the hamper when he put them to bed, leaving it slightly damp in the dryer so it was ridiculously crumpled when we got it out, or just taking it out and leaving it heaped in the basket rather than folding it and giving to the kids to put away) that I just stopped doing his washing, and told him to stop doing mine and the kids. That he was to just do his own, and I'd sort out everyone elses.

Of course then I was making him feel guilty so I was still in the wrong, but at least I had clean, folded washing.

If it were me I think I'd write on a big massive size paper 2 columns , on the left side things that can be dried, on the right side things that can't. A bit like teaching a child and I'd hang it up over the drier. Otherwise you're going to have to leave the washing till your there and he can't touch it.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Stop going out until the wash has finished...that way you can hang it out and make sure it doesnt end up in the dryer.

Really?!

The OP has to arrange her day around the washing machine because her DH is unable to follow a simple instruction?!

Jesus.

I’m not sure whether it’s strategic incompetence, couldn’t give a shit attitude or if there’s actually something medically wrong with him but either way OP YANBU.

Why not tell him to ignore the washing altogether and maybe clean the floor /wash up/hoover instead? As far as the new ruined clothes are concerned ,just let him pay for some new ones!

Yeah, he's just another sexist entitled pig who thinks you should do all the shitwork because you're a woman but is too cowardly to say so directly so references his equally repellent mates

Abso- fucking-lutlely this.

I absolutely hate men who think their wives are 'lucky' because they occasionally do some of the housework in their own fucking house! Tossers!

@Leftsideright

Mines been at home too. Sick of him walking around in his joggers. I bet delivery drivers and stuff think he's a right lazy bum.

I think we are all just sick of this covid shit and the changes.

At least he's trying. But maybe just tell him what he can do instead like the bathroom or the pots.

Two things here:

1. My DH has been working from home since March and has been wearing joggers almost the whole time. I really couldn’t care less. Why should he be uncomfortable when the only person who will see him is me and maybe a delivery driver?

1. ‘At least he’s trying’ doesn’t cut it! I bet the OP’s husband is able to complete work properly for his job. I doubt he ‘forgets’ and ruins things there. Why is washing (a stupidly easy task) so difficult for him? My DH was putting the towels on in the tumble dryer and I was wondering why they never came out dry. Turns out he wasn’t changing the cycle length. I told him he needed to and now he does it. It’s not rocket science.

It’s half-arsed-ness. No way he’s gonna sort the clothes out before bunging them in. He just doesn’t have the same eye for detail as you.

My DH has been “helping” more since we had our baby. I’ve had to let standards slide... He’s good at his usual jobs like the hoovering & bins.

However... Dishes remain greasy, plates are broken, mugs are chipped, curtains are half pulled, blinds at half mast, wet towels are stuffed in the basket. I could go on... All hell breaks loose if I say anything, as he’s “helping”! Takes me longer to finish jobs he’s started...