Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

[Jux]

"safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?"

Oh? Can't they?

Strategic Incompetence. Tell him you see him.

[Graphista]

You have 2 major issues here!

1 strategic incompetence!

He’s deliberately refusing to make the effort to do the task right in hopes you’ll eventually just “give up” and say “don’t bother it’s easier if I do it myself” then he’s off the hook!

2 finances - why are YOU buying the dcs clothes?! Personally I think as a family the money should be pooled anyway, but even if it suits you to have separate finances they’re his kids too! He should be covering at least half of clothing costs and when he’s wrecked them he pays! Bet he’d be more bloody careful then!! Let me guess you cover all dcs costs?! If so you have MUCH bigger problems than laundry!

The suggestions to write him notes etc just require more effort from op and allow the husband to play the child role still. He’s a grown ass adult with a job, he’s perfectly capable of handling a load of laundry CORRECTLY!

I’d actually be tempted to “accidentally” ruin some of HIS favoured items of clothing!

Just tell him to stop helping if he cant be bothered to do it properly as hed wasting money, time and making more work exactly what he wants to happen!

Seriously, how do women tolerate these lunkheads? I too really DON’T understand this!

My ex had his moments when we were first married, which I knew he was at it as prior to marriage he was perfectly capable at doing chores! Better than me at some (he was army so excellent at pressing and shoe shining!)

One almighty row not only from me but his parents too (this was NOT how he was raised, his parents have a very equal marriage and all 4 dc boys and girl did their share and chores weren’t assigned on gender lines and were often rotated) and he knew better!

Like hell would I have put up with this shit!

At the very very least IF you relieve him of laundry duties he needs to be responsible for another equally onerous task - maybe bathroom cleaning?!

It might be the supposedly sensible mature thing to do “discussing calmly” but it’s not getting you results! I’d lose my shit with a man who did this! If it inconveniences/causes his hassle to not do this task properly - he’ll do it properly!

[QuestionMarkNow]

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

All the complaining about lists...

I make a list of jobs that need doing (mine and DH’s) because there is something really satisfying about ticking off the list. We both like seeing the end result. However, my DH doesn’t see the housework as my responsibility that he helps with. We both work full time (me longer hours than him) so jobs are split equally.

Making a list because it works fir both of you (a dear god, I spend my time making lists !) Is different from making a list FOR HIM because he can’t be bothered to listen/be careful/take responsibility

For one, if someone was making a list fur me as if I was a child, I would get pissed off.
Treating him lime a child isn’t going to help. If the OP wants him to step up and act like a adult and partner, she needs to treat him as such. That includes stopping Mothering him (which includes not sorting out the problems HE created to his carelessness)

[BigChocFrenzy]

WHy does he not share costs of DC clothes - are they not his DC ?

Why is everything coming out of your wages ?

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

All the complaining about lists...

I make a list of jobs that need doing (mine and DH’s) because there is something really satisfying about ticking off the list. We both like seeing the end result. However, my DH doesn’t see the housework as my responsibility that he helps with. We both work full time (me longer hours than him) so jobs are split equally.

[mallowa]

Put a note on the tumble dryer saying PLEASE REMEMBER TO REMOVE UNSUITABLE ITEMS BEFORE USING, THANK YOU

[updownroundandround]

@ masiemoo

''He thinks it's a joke''

Sorry, but I think you've missed your own point here !

He thinks it's funny that because of his carelessness, you've had to pay money you can't afford to replace DC clothes ??

Really??

And this is someone who's meant to love you ??

Sounds like he couldn't give a shit about you to me

[fuandylp]

leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day

Why "if he's bored"?
He should be doing them whether he's bored or not. Ridiculous.
They are his tasks and are non-negotiable.

[CSIblonde]

If he's so mad keen on helping, define a list of tasks that would , you know, actually help. He's an idiot. No arguing , that type of 'help' , would boil my .....

[G5000]

Some of the comments are like a time machine to 1950s. Or maybe like talking about a young child trying to be useful. Aww isn't he lovely, trying to help you out? But he takes the bins out (which takes what, a minute?). Make poor darling a clear list and a star chart if he gets it right.

Tell him all the stuff needs to be replaced by Monday. He can figure out the styles, sizes and where to buy everything.

[Brefugee]

Make it his problem to replace everything.

But: YABU to use a dryer

[Catiopea]

In this house when dishes were not being washed properly on someone’s ‘turn’ I suggested the culprit be in charge of all washing up since they obviously needed the practise.

Needless to say the quality of dish washing improved dramatically v v quickly.

I agree with PP about making his problems with completing his tasks his responsibility to solve.

Until someone takes or is made to take full ownership for the problems they themselves caused then nothing will really change ime.

[SBTLove]

I wonder if he’s ruined any of his own stuff or just what OP pays for?

[BlusteryShowers]

I'd be really annoyed at this and I wouldn't be advocating seeing labels into everything. It is not up to you to do his thinking for him. I've accidentally tumbled a couple of DHs football shirts before and I do make an effort to spot them now. Accidents happen, but this sounds like he is not trying, and the gaslighting would make me furious.

If it get wrecked, he needs to pay.

[morefun]

That sounds really annoying! My boyfriend stayed with us during lockdown. He does certain things differently to me, such as the way he hangs washing. After me mentioning once that I prefer tops hung from the bottom, for example, he just does it. And I'm not being picky for the sake of it - it's the difference between needing to iron or not. Can't stand ironing!

[billy1966]

He sounds like a nasty pig, that is deliberately winding you up.

OP, I would bet you this is not in isolation.
I bet he does other things that upset, disrespect, frustrate you deliberately and then gaslights you that it's YOU that has the problem.

Good, kind, supportive men do NOT do this.

Nasty pricks do.

Have a good hard, cool look at what is going on.

In a healthy happy home, one partner doesn't deliberately try to cause additional stress.

It happens in abusive homes and sometimes it's subtle and one partner is just confused by how stressed and anxious they are....

Perhaps I'm wrong and he's just a thick as shit man that refuses to follow a simple instruction....then make him pay for replacing the items.

Your finances are so superate that you alone pay for the children's clothes...

So whilst you are worried about money...he is deliberately wasting money and stressing you.....

Have a good hard look at the dynamics...

Protect yourself

[Havaiana]

OP, I don't think you replied re finances. Do you pool money together? Why are you paying for dc clothes?

[QuestionMarkNow]

@masiemoo

Just getting through some of the replies now which are making me laugh. I think I'm going to reassign different tasks and leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?

No please NO.
Do not do that!! @masiemoo

He is getting away with it. He will end up doing the bits he doesn’t mind too much or nothing at all if he is still ‘not been careful enough’ with the next task.
And you will have told him that he is right. You can’t ask him to be careful. He is only helping and dare you pulling him up on his total lack of care?

It might feel like the easiest way out of that. In reality you are just digg8ng yourself deeper into the role of the caretaker whilst Mr I’m above all that malarkey get away with murder

[QuestionMarkNow]

I would tell him that the dcs all need a whole lot of new uniforms as HE has shrunk them in the tumble dried. And that HE has to take them shopping to replace them all. Oh and it needs to be done befire Monday and they go back to school.

Then leave it. Ask if he has done it etc... remind him that dcs will need a uniform to go to school. That’s it.

On Monday am leave him getting the dcs ready and to take them to school. Make yourself scarce and ket him deal with it all.

Of course he doesn’t care atm. He doesn’t have to buy the stuff, he doesn’t have to fork the money or think about when he will do said shopping. None of it is an issue

(That and also the fact he is a twat for not listening and saying ‘he is doing you a favour’ really?!?)

[LilyLongJohn]

Just hand him the washing he's shrunk and tell him he needs to go and buy replacements before x day.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Mine is currently paying me back for the expensive fish tank filter he broke whilst 'helping' but also whilst shouting 'you don't need to tell me, I know' about all the points I was reminding him of whilst doing it..

As a result he did not remember to take off the primer valve cap, and so instead of pulling the motor unit off the cannister, he pulled the cover off the motor unit, breaking several pieces and rendering the thing totally duff, and so he had to go out and get a replacement immediately (or you know, lose several hundred quids worth of fish to ammonia poisoning instead)...

He thinks I will forget he is to pay me back for this (my card used to buy it)... I won't.

[Nowstrong]

He's most probably doing it on purpose so you ask him to stop doing it....

[CandidaAlbicans2]

I think I'm going to reassign different tasks and leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?

Jesus Fucking Christ, OP, you're letting him off the hook! He's not a child so he doesn't need a to do list or an instruction guide on how to engage his fucking brain! Sod being "frustrated", sod giving him an easier job that he can't mess up (he could do anything badly if he doesn't give a shit!), sod having polite chats with him about it Where's your anger?! I'm more angry about it than you are and I'm not even married to the useless twat. He's taking the piss. Why isn't he accountable for his fuck ups? He should be ashamed then go out and buy replacement articles with his own money but instead you are. If he was my DH I'd lose my shit and no way would I be spending my money to rectify his many "mistakes" (caused purely by carelessness). If that didn't work I'd "accidentally" ruin his stuff then just shrug it off, but by that time I'd have such little respect for him that the relationship is doomed. Stop enabling his pathetic attitude and stop being a doormat

[GarlicMcAtackney]

no, do not give him a list, do not put little signs up, let him feel the hit to his wallet and find out how to replace the items he deliberately destroyed, he can figure it out. No need to coax adults through basic life skills unless you really enjoy humiliating yourself.

[Thinkingg]

Once is an accident - this is not giving a shit.

Tell him from now on, anything he shrinks, he needs to replace. Including shopping for it and paying.

Though I can't see things working out when he respects your stuff so little. Maybe you need to think about whether the relationship overall is healthy.