Husbands "help" is frustrating me so much

[masiemoo]

My husband has been wfh since covid. As he's home he will empty the washing machine if I'm out and throw everything into the dryer without checking what's ok and what's not. I've asked him not to do this a few times now as he's shrinking clothes constantly in particular the cheap leggings/tops I buy for dd in nursery.

The other day I took ds school uniform out of the dryer when it clearly says do not tumble dry. I've even told dh that the uniform is not to be tumble dried if he sees it just to hang it up.
This morning I took out a wash out of the dryer and all brand new stuff I bought for the kids in the last few weeks for school had been thrown in there. I'm feeling really frustrated. When I spoke to him about it I was made feel like I should be lucky he's helping around the house and how his friends don't do a tap. For context I never ask him to do any washing or cleaning.

My wages have dropped significantly due to covid so I don't have money to be spending replacing everything because he couldn't be bothered to check. This is stressing me out so I'm not sure if my frustration is warranted.
I've explained to him how worried I am about my wage drop and how frustrated I feel having to keep buying dd leggings and tops that are shrinking due to him putting them in the dryer instead of the line or clothes horse but yet he keeps doing it and then says things like I don't remember or I did check you must have done it.

Some of the comments are like a time machine to 1950s. Or maybe like talking about a young child trying to be useful. Aww isn't he lovely, trying to help you out? But he takes the bins out (which takes what, a minute?). Make poor darling a clear list and a star chart if he gets it right.

Tell him all the stuff needs to be replaced by Monday. He can figure out the styles, sizes and where to buy everything.

If he's so mad keen on helping, define a list of tasks that would , you know, actually help. He's an idiot. No arguing , that type of 'help' , would boil my .....

leave a to do list for him to do going forward if he's bored during the day

Why "if he's bored"?
He should be doing them whether he's bored or not. Ridiculous.
They are his tasks and are non-negotiable.

@ masiemoo

''He thinks it's a joke''

Sorry, but I think you've missed your own point here !

He thinks it's funny that because of his carelessness, you've had to pay money you can't afford to replace DC clothes ??

Really??

And this is someone who's meant to love you ??

Sounds like he couldn't give a shit about you to me

Put a note on the tumble dryer saying PLEASE REMEMBER TO REMOVE UNSUITABLE ITEMS BEFORE USING, THANK YOU

All the complaining about lists...

I make a list of jobs that need doing (mine and DH’s) because there is something really satisfying about ticking off the list. We both like seeing the end result. However, my DH doesn’t see the housework as my responsibility that he helps with. We both work full time (me longer hours than him) so jobs are split equally.

WHy does he not share costs of DC clothes - are they not his DC ?

Why is everything coming out of your wages ?

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

All the complaining about lists...

I make a list of jobs that need doing (mine and DH’s) because there is something really satisfying about ticking off the list. We both like seeing the end result. However, my DH doesn’t see the housework as my responsibility that he helps with. We both work full time (me longer hours than him) so jobs are split equally.

Making a list because it works fir both of you (a dear god, I spend my time making lists !) Is different from making a list FOR HIM because he can’t be bothered to listen/be careful/take responsibility

For one, if someone was making a list fur me as if I was a child, I would get pissed off.
Treating him lime a child isn’t going to help. If the OP wants him to step up and act like a adult and partner, she needs to treat him as such. That includes stopping Mothering him (which includes not sorting out the problems HE created to his carelessness)

You have 2 major issues here!

1 strategic incompetence!

He’s deliberately refusing to make the effort to do the task right in hopes you’ll eventually just “give up” and say “don’t bother it’s easier if I do it myself” then he’s off the hook!

2 finances - why are YOU buying the dcs clothes?! Personally I think as a family the money should be pooled anyway, but even if it suits you to have separate finances they’re his kids too! He should be covering at least half of clothing costs and when he’s wrecked them he pays! Bet he’d be more bloody careful then!! Let me guess you cover all dcs costs?! If so you have MUCH bigger problems than laundry!

The suggestions to write him notes etc just require more effort from op and allow the husband to play the child role still. He’s a grown ass adult with a job, he’s perfectly capable of handling a load of laundry CORRECTLY!

I’d actually be tempted to “accidentally” ruin some of HIS favoured items of clothing!

Just tell him to stop helping if he cant be bothered to do it properly as hed wasting money, time and making more work exactly what he wants to happen!

Seriously, how do women tolerate these lunkheads? I too really DON’T understand this!

My ex had his moments when we were first married, which I knew he was at it as prior to marriage he was perfectly capable at doing chores! Better than me at some (he was army so excellent at pressing and shoe shining!)

One almighty row not only from me but his parents too (this was NOT how he was raised, his parents have a very equal marriage and all 4 dc boys and girl did their share and chores weren’t assigned on gender lines and were often rotated) and he knew better!

Like hell would I have put up with this shit!

At the very very least IF you relieve him of laundry duties he needs to be responsible for another equally onerous task - maybe bathroom cleaning?!

It might be the supposedly sensible mature thing to do “discussing calmly” but it’s not getting you results! I’d lose my shit with a man who did this! If it inconveniences/causes his hassle to not do this task properly - he’ll do it properly!

"safe things such as sweeping/hoovering can't be messed up can they?"

Oh? Can't they?

Strategic Incompetence. Tell him you see him.