To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

YANBU but be kind.

Dont forget that all the things you know to be right will be seen as utter madness, tantamount to neglect, by your DC's generation.

I had my first DC in mid 90s, a lot more people got their advice from books or from family, no internet.

@ancientgran

NannyOgg you probably had a different HV to me, probably gave birth in a different hospital and read different books. Doesn't mean she made it up or that I did. Your personal experience is yours but it doesn't mean it was the same for everyone everywhere.

Fair comment.

''Oil up a finger and stick it in their bum??

This sounds horrendous.. Who would do that?
People have some strange ideas.

Lots of clothing on a hot day, MIL liked that, plus she wanted a proper oldskool Silver Cross pram

She said ''You knew where you were, with a Silver Cross Pram''

Yes...Stuck in a doorway, most likely.

Buggerboos she would have hated!

Just WOW my MIL bought a cot but for my house not hers. My baby didnt stay over for his first night until he was 6 months old and she ran a nursery so had every qualification going. She was very helpful and came round a few times when i was struggling and had him for a couple of hours in our house whilst i tried to get a bit of sleep and she would potter and doing a bit of washing up etc without overstepping the boundaries.

You are definitely correct setting boundaries now before bambino arrives and you are worn down as well as being pecked at.

Good luck and enjoy your new baby at your own paces x

Please don't do what @TenDays suggested. Frankly, I don't know wtf she's on about but don't go "cap in hand" for setting boundaries in a kind but firm way.

I certainly wouldn't be giving flowers and apologising just for setting boundaries.

TenDays - the only person who should be apologising here is the MIL! And why is it that you think OP should be the one to go “cap in hand” and with flowers and an apology, and not her husband, who agrees with her?!

How old is she as we are rapidly moving to a point where weaning from 24 weeks has been the UK guidance for 17 years? So those of us who were in the throes of parently when it came out are getting older ourselves and moving into 40s/50s.

3 month weaning is prehistoric! Even 4 months is very, very old guidance.

So in your place, I'd swallow my pride and go cap in hand and actually apologise to her. Maybe take flowers. Just you, woman to woman. But DH said no too, in fact what he said was comparatively stronger so why isn't he expected to apologise?

You'd be doing this not for her or you, but for your child. If Nan is going to tear baby differently because she can't have sleepovers from both, that isn't on OP.

Don't apologise for having a different plan, but for 'jumping down her throat' about it. You want her onside so a bit of grovelling is a small price to pay. She didn't jump down her throat.

You don't have to mean it!* Ohhh sorry I get it now. Op it's best if you manipulate your mil so that you get what you want, she's too stupid to know you're being fake so it'll all be fine.

You are not being mean at all. Just keep in mind you might need that break. When my DS was 9 weeks I was so tired I could have just collapsed at any time. MIL offered to have him one night and I said yes before she’d finished asking. Me and DH just needed one night. Although we did stop BF at 6 weeks, but just keep it in mind if you need a break.
But no, she shouldn’t be assuming any of it! X

@Gwynfluff

I do wonder. I'm in my late 60s and very little of MiL 'suggestions' were applicable in my time!

Remind her that there will be plenty of opportunity as the little one gets mobile and perhaps if you can suggest she helps like your Mum.

Ha! Well done for standing up for yourself. Some people think giving solids early makes them sleep better 🤨 it is NOT TRUE at all. My MiL kept saying to do it because she did it at 8 weeks which I thought was crazy but quote “it didn’t do them any harm”. I tried it at 5 months and nothing improved so stopped and waited til 6. I would deffo recommend doing your own research and sticking to it. I would also probs not let her have your baby overnight until the baby is older. Maybe she’ll give you the next to me as a gift? 😇😂 Your the momma, trust your instincts 🙏🏼 Plus you’re only 19 weeks preggo, I had literally nothing by then lol.

I think it’s lovely to have grandparents on both sides that want to be involved and it sounds like your relationship prior to this has been great.
I think the best thing to do is to not throw her off completely but try and discuss realistic plans. You don’t know what’ll happen in the first 6 months so just say you are glad to know she’ll be happy to have baby if the timing is right for everyone (my DP needed emergency surgery when my DD was a few months old).
You could say that although you are unsure what you’ll need over night wise, it could be that a break between feeds could be looked at when the baby develops a feeding routine.

Water can be given to babies under 6 months but this should only be on the advise of a midwife, I think when I had DD, we had a really hot summer and being a bottle fed baby they said a small amount of water would be good for her but I don’t think the advise would be similar for a BF baby.

Ultimately, you may have to disappoint your MIL in terms of care in the first few months but I am a firm believer of the 4th trimester and a baby needing to be with their mum (or primary care giver in the case of adoption etc) in the first 3 months

A friend of mine gave me a great analogy when I went through similar. She said when was the last time you saw a scraggly old granny cat curled up with her grand kittens? Never. It isn't what nature intended and your desire to keep your newborn close is hardwired into your DNA.

Grandparents are wonderful when babies grow up and are happy to be left, knowing that Mum will return, but when they have just been born they need to bond with their parents and they don't need anyone else at all. Grandparents are understandably keen to see the baby, but that is only possible as part of a visit to see baby's Mum and have a brief cuddle while Mum is nearby. Her time will come. She just needs to be patient.

I breastfed and did baby led weaning so I was with my kids full-time for the year's maternity leave each time, then went back part-time, but was still doing one or two breastfeeds a day until about 18 months old. The first time they spent a night away from me was when the youngest was 3. My MiL never wanted to provide useful childcare, like half a day a week while I was at work. She only ever wanted to have my children to herself when they were babies and I was on maternity leave. She wasn't interested in taking the toddler when the second baby arrived. Once the last baby turned one she lost interest altogether. Consequently, she has never had them to herself and, after many offers, we have given up asking. We realised that she is obsessed with babies under about 6 months but isn't that interested in her grandchildren as people.

Oil up a finger and stick it in their bum??

This sounds horrendous.. Who would do that?
People have some strange ideas.

I have vague recollections I heard this in relation to constipation. Never did this myself, DS had issues, and was prescribed medication.

@Gwynfluff

How old is she as we are rapidly moving to a point where weaning from 24 weeks has been the UK guidance for 17 years? So those of us who were in the throes of parently when it came out are getting older ourselves and moving into 40s/50s.

3 month weaning is prehistoric! Even 4 months is very, very old guidance.

4-6 months was considered ideal to begin complementary feeding for term infants in 1994, and changed to 6 months in 2007.

.
Op and dp are in their 30s and their parents in their mid 60s+, dp therefore is going to have been weaned in the 80s. 4 months would have been normal, asking with some rusk in the bottle

Food is for fun until after 1 (main food source either BM or formula until then).

You see even this, which is generally sensible advice when given where babies are happy to bf or formula feed, isn't always correct and made me worry my head off when my baby self-weaned (refused bf despite my many tactics) before age 1. It's not a hard and fast rule.

Hi OP

I think you're being incredibly tolerant of her. Maybe too much so. Yes she is entitled to our (scientifically proven wrong!) theories on breastfeeding, but she is NOT entitled to try and persuade you into one feeding method over another. It is absolutely none of her business how your baby is fed. The whole 'you should express so I can feed the baby' is actually a bit worrying, she is basically saying your role as a mother is to facilitate her relationship with her grandchild more than your relationship with your child. I found expressing very time consuming, a bit sore, and very hard work and occasionally did it so my husband could do a night feed and give me a rest (before they stopped bottle refusing). It also made me feel like a cow being milked. I would have been really angry if someone else expected me to go through that, just to benefit them and not the baby. She is thinking of herself and not her baby. I think your husband and you should make sure you shut down any talk of advice etc by saying it's your baby and you will raise it as you see fit and dont need any more advice

Yes advice changes all the time because what we know about science and safety changes. Car seats weren't a thing when I was growing up and neither was back sleeping but no one can deny that they have saved hundreds of lives, the stats speak for themselves. So its nonsense to do things her way as the old ways have been proved not safe. Be careful she doesnt just give your baby food or formula against your wishes or without your knowledge, there are lots of threads on here where MiLs do that and then the trust is broken for ever. Good luck!

You've stuck to your guns, good for you.

As a granny I do for our grandchildren what my mother did for hers, and many other grannies I know. We call it granny kit. I used to have cot, highchair, changing mat etc. Much of my early granny kit came secondhand, good quality, clean from other grannies or charity shops ; cot highchair changing mat bathroom step etc; and was returned to the grannypool or charity shop as our GC outgrew it. Having all that stuff in our house made visits and stays much easier for their parents.As the kids got a little bigger we acquired a succession of charity shop toys, bikes, scooters and lego; so the kids have always loved coming here because they have plenty to do. They treasure arriving to rediscover old favourites and any new arrivals. These days we provide craft materials, books, board and family games to play with them; but they also have dressing gowns, toothbrushes etc that live at our house.

   So, while MIL has slightly got the wrong end of the stick at this stage,     reassure her  (and yourselves)  that in years to come  she'll find  lots of ways and opportunities to welcome you and the GC's in her home,  which will enrich life for all of you.

@bishopgiggles The food is fun jingle isn't saying 'let them play with food but don't let them eat much until they turn 1'. It is saying don't worry about how much food the are eating. If your child had the dexterity and hunger to want to eat more before that point then that is fine.

Also, if you want another argument for breastfeeding then tell her it is proven to be important for dental arch development.

She ps encouraging you not to breast feed so it validates her choices not breast feeding her son. Maybe she missed out on sharing a room and looking after her own baby so she wants the time again, but she doesn’t get to do that to you or your baby.
Well done to your DH

So sorry to hear about your mc can completely understand being nervous about buying things. I was too superstitious to buy anything till 20 week scan and even then didn't buy much.

I think MIL don't know what to do often. Sounds like she wants to be involved and thinks having the baby is the only way. I would suggest things she can do to help and make her feel involved but on your terms. Take care of yourself and try and enjoy the pregnancy.

Thanks all, she didn’t breastfeed DH at all and he slept in his own room from birth, then had solids from 6 weeks although had rusk mashed in formula from birth... she’s told me all about that. It sounds like the advice she was given and the advice now is totally different

My children are in their thirties. This was certainly not the advice given at the time - including about giving breast fed babies water - and rusks in bottles, I don't think my mother even did that with me and I'm 65!

[quote Genevieva]@bishopgiggles The food is fun jingle isn't saying 'let them play with food but don't let them eat much until they turn 1'. It is saying don't worry about how much food the are eating. If your child had the dexterity and hunger to want to eat more before that point then that is fine.[/quote]
I know that now (but thank you for reinforcing it, good sanity check! ) but as a ftm I didn't really know what to think! He didn't like milk as a drink either so i was putting expressed milk and then formula into his porridge...