To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

@TenDays, are you quite well? Do you have some strange syndrome that has you bustling about apologising for having done nothing at all remotely wrong? With flowers, and ‘tear or two’? Do you struggle with assertiveness?

That’s really strange advice.

@zaffa no i can't say our son going to the inlaws early was failing, just a careful use of resources

What is it about MIL being really bonkers on mumsnet.

Mine wanted us to buy a sofa bed, so that they could stay over and babysit for us, in our very small first house, husband was also keen, but I said no.

We’d have to walk past them in the during room to get to the kitchen .

But at least they never said, please give us your new baby overnight.

Sitting room, not during room *

I don’t have the experience to know the reasons why I’ll need to feed from the breast and not express all the time

I was great at breast feeding. But I was never able to pump. Nothing came out, and I tried several times.

Oh yeah there's that baby backwash thing too. A bit of baby spit goes into your boob when they feed. Then your body can produce milk tailored to what your baby needs, with antibodies in if they have a cold for example.

I think in reality you have no idea how you are going to feel after this baby comes so I personally wouldn't have been so quick to dismiss the offers as you might change your mind and have terrible PND and be desperate for a break.

Oh FGS she just sounds a bit over excited. She can buy what she wants.
You just do what you want. These threads imply that the MIL is going to kidnap the baby. Chill out.

I didn't have a nursery for either child, until they had their own bedroom. We didn't have a room for my son until we moved house when he was about 9 months old.

Hopefully you and your husband have nipped this in the bud. Maybe she will give you the Next to Me instead

My ex MIL is lovely but also had old fashioned ideas. Every time I breastfed newborn Dd she would ask why on Earth I was doing that AGAIN, and "there's no way she needs feeding for another few hours". She also had a room ready. DD went and stayed in it for the first time when she was a year old. Nearly a decade on they have a beautiful close relationship so it's all worked out in the end. I did used to get irritated though.

Oh FGS she just sounds a bit over excited. She can buy what she wants.

Do you call people cruel when you get over excited?

[quote Fallada]@TenDays, are you quite well? Do you have some strange syndrome that has you bustling about apologising for having done nothing at all remotely wrong? With flowers, and ‘tear or two’? Do you struggle with assertiveness?

That’s really strange advice.[/quote]
You haven't read my post.

The apology was not for having different intentions but for hurting the MiL's feelings.

As I said, the OP doesn't have to mean it.
Offering an apology for being short with the MiL is a way to repair the relationship. It short-circuits the argument about who is right over childrearing.

Sorry about all the miscarriages OP. I hope this pregnancy continues to go smoothly.

The thing is, your own mum loves you and is offering dog walking etc as it will help you and make life easier. Not saying MIL doesn't care about you, but perhaps she is inclined to be more naturally selfish than she might have been with her own dd. I too hated when people talked about "taking" my babies. I recall MIL disappearing with DD in a supermarket when she was a few weeks old, as I hadn't "allowed" her time alone with her. And I hated relatives of my ex all passing my newborn around even though he was screaming for me.

Do you call people cruel when you get over excited? I'm not sure I understand.

@Pregernaught

Also can someone confirm I’m not going mad on the water thing, newborns don’t have water right?

My DS never did.. they get all the liquid from Breast milk.

Expressing was hard for me too! Gave up on it. Breastfeeding was much easier.

Good god, some huge over reactions here. She's not the devil, just a tad over excited and is giving her own experience of raising a child. He made it to adulthood so she must have done a decent enough job.

OP, obviously it is your baby, your rules but before I had dc, I thought I knew exactly how I was going to rear him. I was going to breastfeed (I didn't), I wouldn't care about lack of sleep (I did, and shock horror to some posters, my sister took him for a night when he was 6 weeks old and I slept soundly and guilt free). You say you are happy for your mum to stay overnight to help out; why not let MIL do the same?

I wouldn't talk in absolute terms with your MIL, particularly when you are obviously happy for her to do childcare for you.

I'm not saying to do anything you are uncomfortable with but a nod and a smile and doing your own thing in the end makes for a much happier relationship than threatening no contact!

Rather than cutting her out, she needs to know baby's routine for when she does mind him/her.

Only on MN do I see people advocating an insular "our little family" approach to child rearing. In reality, children have lots of different type of caregivers and family members who show the child different takes on the world that makes for a rounded individual.

I'm not the type to "go no contact" or anything due to ill-informed comments but
"Another thing she said not long ago is it’s not fair on DH for me to breastfeed because he won’t be able to bond. This really worries me."

this is total and utter horseshit and is be seriously reconsidering how much unsupervised childcare she'd be doing in the early months. She really seems to have her own agenda about how your baby is fed, which is kind of important considering they spend most of their early months feeding and not much else! Just be on guard and be prepared to rethink things if she's insisting on battling you in every tiny thing.
Honestly i find it all so weird. My parents and mil were just brilliant, helped where needed, offered advice where needed but didn't try and convince me to do anything i wasn't happy with. Because why would you?!

@AnneLovesGilbert

What on Earth are you on about *@TenDays*

Overbearing, unsupportive, disrespectful people are not to be cherished by babies or their parents. No child needs people around them who upset their parents before they’re even born.

And what’s this woman to woman horseshit? It’s OP’s DH baby too and his mother who he sensibly felt the need to set straight on her inappropriate demands. You’re suggesting OP excludes him and lies to his mother about how grateful they both are for her interference? Your advice is ridiculous and your tone is patronising and stupid.

The MiL might be overbearing etc. but she has to be lived with and managed. I had to deal with exactly that situation and found diplomacy worked. It wasn't for me, it was for my children, and it paid off.

The 'woman to woman horseshit' is because the MiL will most likely be angry with the OP and forgive her own son, which would be even more awkward.

The OP and her DH have their plan and they needn't change it for the MiL. But that doesn't mean they should alienate her.

@derxa

Do you call people cruel when you get over excited? I'm not sure I understand.

MIL called OP cruel when she (MIL) was just overexcited.

@Pregernaught well done for sticking up for yourself! Try not to worry at this stage as everything changes when baby arrives too. My in laws live in Norfolk, we’re in Scotland. During my pregnancy I was so worried we would be tortured by them, they were trying to make a lot of plans wayyy in advance, made us promise to send pics daily, wanted to be here the weekend baby was due etc (backstory, I strongly dislike my in-laws and DH and I see them and speak to them as little as possible due to past events which would take forever to explain!).
Baby is 2 months old now and they’ve not been to visit (first grandchild for them) and we speak to them approx once a week. They stopped asking for photos about 3 weeks ago and we stopped sending them.
Basically, I think they liked the idea of being doting grandparents but can’t be arsed with the actual effort in reality! You might get lucky and when baby comes she’ll be the same, and will back off a bit and give you space.
It’s your baby, your way regardless of what she says or does. I’m sure she means well but be firm (as you have been) and don’t be coerced into giving in for an easy life as it’ll only set the tone for years to come!

YANBU and as I haven't read through the comments I will mention it just in case but giving a newborn straight water can actually be very dangerous.

Food is for fun until after 1 (main food source either BM or formula until then). Weaning at 3 months is ridiculous.

No way would I be leaving my baby with her, she is already clearly overstepping boundaries and then making a fuss when she has been told certain things are not ok. I wouldn't trust her not to go behind your back.

Ahhh get used to all the comments, just smile and move on.
I've had my own mother and MIL's bombard me with their crazy child rearing tips over the years. Early weaning, breastfeeding disgusting over 6 months, milk of magnesia, whisky on a dummy, 7 layers of clothes because baby is too cold, boiled water for breastfed baby, dip dummy in sugar, oil up a finger and stick it up their bum, shave their head when new born, sleep on their side propped with pillows because they choke lying on their back....to name a few...
My own mother couldn't wait to get any of my newborns alone!

I just think it's excitement and the want to care for a new baby is natural. Set your ground rules but be thankful you'll have someone willing to give you lots of help because that is lovely and you'll appreciate it when the time comes.

I don't get the ''Passing babies around'' thing, as if they are hot potatoes.

Especially bawling ones! ..

My MIL was disappointed I didn't do bottles as she missed out on feeding.

But having a baby stay overnight with a MIL {or anyone} unless a dire emergency?

Never heard of that.

Buying a crib for next to her own bed is a bit presumptious !?

Oh and i was ready and willing to express, which i did, but my baby would rarely take a bottle. would've appreciated not doing all the feeds but you just can't tell what will happen.

A PP is right in that she can buy what she wants. It's her money to waste!

That doesn't mean your baby will be using any of it.

I think you did well. She overreacted and had no businesses calling you cruel. Have you spoken to her since?

Please don't do what @TenDays suggested. Frankly, I don't know wtf she's on about but don't go "cap in hand" for setting boundaries in a kind but firm way.