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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has called the police on our neighbours, have we done the right thing?

177 replies

Ninjamomma · 17/09/2020 22:22

DH and I were outside collecting birthday presents from the car and heard our female neighbour from across the street screaming. I couldn't make out everything she was saying but she was historical and we definitely heard "leave me alone" and "I've done nothing wrong" and things being thrown about

I didn't know what to do but DH went straight over and knocked the door - female neighbour came to the door, cracked it open slightly, DH asked If she was OK, she she she was fine and shut the door.

We both didn't feel satisfied so DH has called the police. They are on their way and I'm sat here wondering if we have done the right thing

I'm worried we may have caused tension now with them however I couldn't live with myself If something untoward is going on and I had just turned a blind eye

Have we overstepped our mark?

OP posts:
HardJustGotHarder · 18/09/2020 11:11

@ Afibtomyboy

If someone had called a police for me, They would of taken him away.
I wouldnt of taken him back

I was 17, he was over 10 years older, He was strangling me, We was in the street.

Noone called...

I could of easily died

People saw. Lots of people!

There was incidents after and i finally got the courage to leave him, he stalked me for about 6 months

annonymousse · 18/09/2020 11:13

To the people who would leave it til the next day to talk to the victim. I deal with dv sometimes in my job. We know if you leave a cooling off period before taking the statement the victim will have talked themselves down and minimised the event. You need to get the police there and take action straight away. Even if the statement is later retracted it's on record and believed. It's more likely to be truthful and accurate at the time of the event. The fear is still fresh.

MintyMabel · 18/09/2020 11:34

I couldn't live with myself If something untoward is going on and I had just turned a blind eye

You didn't do anything, you saw a woman in trouble and didn't know what to do. Your husband had more sense than you.

Isn't it a little late to be asking if he did the right thing?

KeepingPlain · 18/09/2020 11:35

Is that true? I get that it might be difficult to prove but assault isn't something you can consent to, so as long as the police have reasonable grounds to suspect the violent partner has committed the crime, then they should be able to act?

I could be wrong. But if all they have is someone saying they heard something, and the victim says all is fine, what can they do? If it keeps happening then they should take action, but even then the neighbours could just be saying these things maliciously. It sucks though, and hopefully it will help those that are being abused to speak up eventually because they know someone heard it happen and thought it was wrong.

LeslieYep · 18/09/2020 11:42

I called the police on our NDN a few weeks back. They have DC and horrible arguing was regular.
This time, I heard her scream 'get off me' and proper screaming. I called 101 & they arrived within 10 minutes.

They haven't spoken to us since, but I'm happy to be ignored by a woman who is alive.

I glimpse the leadup and fallout from women murdered by their partner/ex as a small part of my work. It's truly horrifying. I'd rather be considered a busybody than ignorant.

Heffalooomia · 18/09/2020 11:45

The wife had been brutally beaten, her relative came and stopped him, she'd ended up killing him in the street
Do you mean that the wife's female relative came and killed the husband?

morefun · 18/09/2020 14:28

Yes you did the right thing. I did the same for a neighbour.

You can tell them NOT to come to your place afterwards, I did. I was a single parent and didn't want to be harassed be a potential psycho.

Original poster
Ninjamomma · 18/09/2020 22:15

update

Feeling pretty emotional tonight. We came home to a card this evening which was unusual.

Opened it up to find a thank you card. The husband had written in the card and explained that he is aware the police couldn't divulge information to us but that his wife hadn't long returned from a rehab stay due to an eating disorder (this explains us not having seen here coming and going recently) and that around Mealtimes she becomes very distressed but thanked us for doing what he feels not many others would have done in terms of looking out for their neighbours and said he wished more poeple were like us

There was also a letter in their from the wife explaining her diagnosis etc.. In more detail. Apologising for us having to hear what we did and reassuring us that she is on the mend and hopes there won't be many more episodes and again thanking us for our concern

I've cried for about an hour not because I feel guilty because I can see they don't blame us but because they felt that they were willing to share that to ease our concerns which I know definitely won't have been easy for the wife

I want to go across tomorrow just to say thank you in person for taking the time to write to us and for being understanding and tell let her know I'm here for a coffee whenever (I have been diagnosed with Bulimia so have some Knowledge)

Is that the right thing to do or do I write back or something else... I don't want to just ignore it

OP posts:
Daphnise · 18/09/2020 22:54

I'm not sure I believe these letters you have received.

Justaboy · 18/09/2020 22:56

Perhaps you might become friends that would be a good outcome:)

Original poster
Ninjamomma · 18/09/2020 23:03

@Daphnise

I'm not sure I believe these letters you have received.
As in you think they have come up with something to cover something else? I just struggle to think someone could be that manipulative, I suppose I'm thinking the police were satisfied so they would have no reason to make something up to pacify us if that makes sense?
OP posts:
Bibbittybobbittyboo · 18/09/2020 23:13

You did the right thing. I phoned the police when I heard my neighbour through the wall screaming “don’t hurt me” and then it sounded like she was thrown down the stairs. I’ve no idea what story was spun to the police.

As soon as the police left they both started yelling through the wall that I was a fucking interfering cunt.

I’d still do it in a heartbeat.

Heffalooomia · 18/09/2020 23:39

It sounds a bit weird 🤔

Original poster
Ninjamomma · 18/09/2020 23:42

@Heffalooomia

It sounds a bit weird 🤔
Am I being really naive?
OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 18/09/2020 23:53

No I don't think you're being naive, but still it just seems weird, they seem over the top
I suppose they're embarrassed and the over the top-ness is of a similar magnitude that you might expect of people who react badly
...and go over the top in the other direction(if you see what I mean)
It's an uncomfortable situation to be put in and whichever way you decide to jump there is a risk of some kind of come back
But they are the ones who did the initial extreme thing and that forces you to take extreme measures!

gurglebelly · 19/09/2020 00:09

@BashfulClam

A woman was raped and murdered several years ago in Queens Park in Glasgow. She was dragged from the street after parking her car, several people during the trail said they heard a commotion and not one called the police or tried to investigate. One actually says to his girlfriend ‘if there is a murder reported we are probably hearing it!’ Would you not go and see what was happening? Especially if you had someone with you or at least shout ‘are you ok? Do you want us to call the police!’
I knew Moira, not well but none the less it was devastating to hear that news 😞

The fact that people heard what happened and did nothing about it makes me feel physically sick, how do you live with yourself?

BashfulClam · 19/09/2020 00:35

@gurglebelly I’m so sorry, she seemed like a lovely woman. I lived nearby and if I’d heard what they did, shouts of ‘stop it‘ and screams I would have called the police. Whether they would come out is a different matter. If I’d been walking with someone (safety in numbers) I would have shouted out and hope if it’s an attack it scares the attacker off. It was a very horrific and tragic attack. I watched the recent tv programme with her mother’s words and it was harrowing to hear. Why didn’t someone check?

gurglebelly · 19/09/2020 00:56

She was, I only knew her in a work context (so sales conferences and the like) but she was well liked and such fun. It was 12 years ago but I was in the office when we got the news and remember the sense of shock that swept through when we all heard, there were lots of tears that day 😞

I just can't imagine how awful you'd feel if you made a flippant comment like that chap did to his girlfriend and then heard the news. I certainly will always call the police now if I think someone is in danger, I'd much rather overreact and look like an idiot than know that I could have made even the smallest difference and chose not to

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 19/09/2020 01:04

@Ninjamomma

Am I being really naive?

The police can, with permission, look at medical records or make calls to confirm diagnosis, treatment etc, so it's entirely possible that your local constabulary could be well aware of your neighbour either from prior encounters, or that they've confirmed the events they are describing are real.

It's not at all uncommon for local officers to become familiar with the people on their patch who have long-standing and/or serious mental health issues. If they are satisfied and unconcerned, I wouldn't overthink it too much.

BashfulClam · 19/09/2020 01:11

@gurglebelly I was a bit shocked too. If it sounded off like that why didn’t he just call and report it. It might have been just in time. The footage of him dragging her to the park was awful as she was tiny compared to that utter bastard. I will always call out to see if help is needed to call the police now. Sometimes it will be nothing but the time it is an attack could save someone’s life, I’ll never forget Moira’s story as it’s so awful and tragic, if she hadn’t argued with her partner she wouldn’t have been there.

Casschops · 19/09/2020 01:16

Busybodying saves lives. A few years ago a child around the corner from me was killed by his parents. The next door neighbour said she often heard bumps followed by a child crying. She always cc'd said she didn't want the neighbours to know that she had called the police and social services so she didn't. She was quite happy for a child to suffer so she could save face. You did the right thing by the woman.

MustShowDH · 19/09/2020 03:50

Is that the right thing to do or do I write back or something else..

You sound like a lovely neighbour. Maybe drop a note in; "Thanks, for the card. Maybe catch up for a coffee sometime."

Won't embarrass them if they want to be private, but leaves your door open.

CheetasOnFajitas · 19/09/2020 08:57

@MustShowDH

Is that the right thing to do or do I write back or something else..

You sound like a lovely neighbour. Maybe drop a note in; "Thanks, for the card. Maybe catch up for a coffee sometime."

Won't embarrass them if they want to be private, but leaves your door open.

I agree with this. Turning up at the door for a chat may be a bit much for them. Maybe you’ll bump into them in the street and can make a point of waving a cheery hello next time you do.
FelicisNox · 19/09/2020 17:36

YADTRT.

A young mum of 4 was stabbed to death not far from us. The neighbours must have heard something but did nothing.

Never turn a blind eye.

DdraigGoch · 19/09/2020 17:54

The police actually can't do anything if the person won't admit there was a crime.
It's better than it used to be on that score, they can now press charges even if the victim doesn't co-operate