Husband has called the police on our neighbours, have we done the right thing?

[Ninjamomma]

DH and I were outside collecting birthday presents from the car and heard our female neighbour from across the street screaming. I couldn't make out everything she was saying but she was historical and we definitely heard "leave me alone" and "I've done nothing wrong" and things being thrown about

I didn't know what to do but DH went straight over and knocked the door - female neighbour came to the door, cracked it open slightly, DH asked If she was OK, she she she was fine and shut the door.

We both didn't feel satisfied so DH has called the police. They are on their way and I'm sat here wondering if we have done the right thing

I'm worried we may have caused tension now with them however I couldn't live with myself If something untoward is going on and I had just turned a blind eye

Have we overstepped our mark?

@WetdreamBeliever google Kitty Genovese Malcolm Gladwell. It's not true, it was fake news. Lots of people called emergency services.

observer.com/2017/01/the-kitty-genovese-story-was-the-prototype-for-fake-news/

When I was a kid we had no home phone/mobiles. If it wasn't for the builder on the scaffolding deciding to call the police my dad would have killed my mum with the 4 of us in the front room!

Thank you OP!

YANBU. You did the right thing.

I helped a couple after they'd crashed their car. I assumed one of the many surrounding gawping people - who all seemed to have their phones out - would have called an ambulance. The police told me after I'd flagged down an ambulance that no one had called for one.

Also one of my previous neighbours had attacked his wife, she'd phoned a relative to come help. The wife had been brutally beaten, her relative came and stopped him, she'd ended up killing him in the street. No one had called during the hour the screaming, shouting and prolonged street violence because the person that usually phoned was on holiday.

@Afibtomyboy

The people saying that they were suffering Ongoing domestic physical abuse from their partners and saying they’d wished the neighbours had called the police. Genuine question.

If the police turned up and you were arguing, maybe he’s just hurt you but no very obvious sign of injury.

What Do you envisage would have happened? Would you have spilled your guts to the police? Ok, that would have been the ideal scenario as the police would have then been able to act.

But would you not, in all likelihood, have brushed under the carpet? Presumably if you spilled your guts to the police you could have done that way before?
Would you not have been very frightened if the implications of opening up to the police right there in front of your partner, knowing in all likelihood he will Deny and having no idea re what’s going to happen. Perhaps you have children upstairs?

I think there’s a tendency to think... oh if someone had called the police on my partner, it would have solved the problem.

I would be so scared that I’d be making it worse for you. I would want to Pop over during the day, wait until partner was out, and try to speak with you first and say that I heard and that I’m worried.

My mums neighbours heard my mum and her boyfriend arguing loudly one night and heard my mum screaming. They didn't call the police thinking they'd check on her the day after. Well, they didn't get that chance because he killed her in the night.

ALWAYS call the the police.
Well done OP - definitely the right thing to do.

@Ninjamomma

We got a knock from the police which has completely thrown me off as I know the neighbours would assume it was us but now they will definitely know

They have told us that they have spoken to both parties and are happy there is no further action needed.

They have said they can't go into detail but that there are underlying probelms and that the husband is actually very supportive and they have no reason to believe there has been any violence

We have thanked them for coming out and expressed our surprise at being given feedback but apparently they were told that the couple were happy for us to be spoken to

I absolutely back the police so beleive they must be reassured everything is OK and although we evidently haven't quite read the situation right, I definitely don't regret my decision

That's put me off ever phoning the police.

A group passing by my house heard me screaming and knocked on the door. I told them I was fine, because he was there, and I was scared. He had been trying to strangle me.

You absolutely did the right thing.

Thank you

"made her realise that others saw he DH as she did"

That's sad though, almost as if her being unhappy in itself wasn't enough reason to leave.

I wonder how much of this is rooted in young girls being made to push their own feelings aside for the sake of others at a very young age.

History is taught from the past to the present, so you would need to be taking it at A level to get to the 20th century. Whereas Henry VIII would be taught in KS3.

As an aside this is not true. One of the areas taught at KS1 is something 'in living memory' where as GCSE syllabus cover medicine in ancient Greece and WW1. It's true that the little ones often do a lot of early Anglo Saxon/ Roman/ Viking history because it's easier to do in an age friendly way with dressing up etc!

The different stages of the curriculum are based on theme e.g. a pair of changing monarchs, an event involving more than one country etc. Not taught in order

Many years ago I lived in a block of flats and the violent bf I had broken up with kicked my door in and tried to strangle me. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Luckily he stopped before I died. The next day a neighbour saw me on the stairs and said “oh thank god you’re alive, I thought he’d killed you but I didn’t call the police as I didn’t want to get involved” !!!
OP, and anyone else who finds themselves in this situation, calling the police is never the wrong thing to do.

I wonder how much of this is rooted in young girls being made to push their own feelings aside for the sake of others at a very young age. In my aunt's case a lot! She was the pretty one of the family. The one whose smile lit up a room, made her dad happy, couldn't cry as the whole world would cry with her, etc, etc. As a kid I remember her as a quiet, nervous woman who became loud and entertaining in group situations and would never have so much as a single alcoholic drink, in case she went too far.

She married a man whose public persona was very respectable. She was told early on that she had to be careful to reflect well on him. He was important

We used to live above a couple who we barely saw. One night we heard the woman screaming about a fire at 5 in the morning. DH ran down the stair and knocked on the door to see if he could help. The bloke answered the door and immediately assaulted DH, ended up slicing up his head with something he was holding and backed off when he saw blood. DH ran back upstairs and we called the police. Turns out he was beating up the wife and threatening their newborn and she knew from previous experience that shouting fire usually gets more help than other things sadly. Unfortunately she wouldn't press charges on him but because of previous and attacking the police who arrived he got put away anyway!

ALWAYS call. I don't know what would have happened if we ignored that poor lady.

961theeagle.com/powa-ad-domestic-violence-vs-late-night-drumming/

I have used this in my teaching . It's a talking point for sure.

That's put me off ever phoning the police.

I'm curious, why?

That's put me off ever phoning the police.

I’m in Ireland but years ago I called the police when a neighbour was beating the shit out of his girlfriend.

Police came. She defended him. Their door was still open when the guards came to mine to tell me it was all grand.

I ended up moving because I had tyres slashed, windows broken, and she spat on me when I walked by her.

I’d still call them again though! But I’ll hold my hands up and say my sympathy for her dwindled a lot.

To the poster asking why bother phoning the police. I think not phoning and no one intervening also reinforces the isolation and idea that no one cares enough to come and save them, which feeds into the abusers narrative.
Maybe they will lie to the police if they turn up, but small outside interventions and gestures, even if futile, may help the victim in the longer term leave.
Either way, don’t know how anyone could just sit through something like that and not call the police, or think I’ll just pop round in the afternoon to check they’re ok.

@Afibtomyboy

The people saying that they were suffering Ongoing domestic physical abuse from their partners and saying they’d wished the neighbours had called the police. Genuine question.

If the police turned up and you were arguing, maybe he’s just hurt you but no very obvious sign of injury.

What Do you envisage would have happened? Would you have spilled your guts to the police? Ok, that would have been the ideal scenario as the police would have then been able to act.

But would you not, in all likelihood, have brushed under the carpet? Presumably if you spilled your guts to the police you could have done that way before?
Would you not have been very frightened if the implications of opening up to the police right there in front of your partner, knowing in all likelihood he will Deny and having no idea re what’s going to happen. Perhaps you have children upstairs?

I think there’s a tendency to think... oh if someone had called the police on my partner, it would have solved the problem.

I would be so scared that I’d be making it worse for you. I would want to Pop over during the day, wait until partner was out, and try to speak with you first and say that I heard and that I’m worried.

Regardless as to what they may say to the police there and then, it could stop a woman being murdered.

My neighbours told me they nearly called them because they thought he was killing me.

If they believed that, the police turning up could have stopped that from happening.

Always call the police if you believe someone could be in danger. I never understand why people think they ‘don’t want to get involved’ because an assault or potential assault is going on in a home. Would you stand back and not do anything if that was happening in the street? You did the right thing op. I have had to call the police about a domestic violence situation with my neighbors several times. Sadly, Nothing ever seems to change and there is a child in the house, who the man has also verbally threatened to kill on several occasions. Once I witnessed him drag his gf by the neck inside and I honestly thought this is it for her. The police took 40 mins to arrive. I’ve even had HER mother scream at me in the street for bing a ‘nosey neighbor’ (turns out a lot of our neighbors have been reporting them luckily). Sadly your actions may well not improve the situation but at least if the worst happens or the woman eventually does want to press charges all your reports will be on record which hopefully will help towards a conviction.

@CuriousaboutSamphire that gave me goosebumps. What a great man. i wonder if he knew what an impact he would have by saying that to her. To all the rest who have suffered abuse, I'm sorry you sent through it and i am glad you are here to tell your stories of survival.

Would you stand back and not do anything if that was happening in the street?
A lot of people would. People are cowards.

You did the right thing. Too many people turn a blind eye because they're worried about getting it wrong or causing a fuss over nothing. Ultimately if it is nothing then it will be swiftly resolved and no more than a minor irritant. If it's something, your action could make a significant difference in a positive way. I hate to sound too extreme but I've heard of many a murder case where screams were heard and discounted by witnesses only for them to come forward when they realise in hindsight that it was significant

Yes he absolutely did do the right thing.

There's a big difference between the kind of neighbourhood busybody who reports his neighbours because he thinks they're going to the Tesco too many times, and the possibility you may be protecting someone from violent abuse. If you ignore it and were wrong someone will face either accusations or no further action; if you were right, the consequences don't bear thinking about. I couldn't have turned a blind eye to this either.

@Afibtomyboy

The people saying that they were suffering Ongoing domestic physical abuse from their partners and saying they’d wished the neighbours had called the police. Genuine question.

If the police turned up and you were arguing, maybe he’s just hurt you but no very obvious sign of injury.

What Do you envisage would have happened? Would you have spilled your guts to the police? Ok, that would have been the ideal scenario as the police would have then been able to act.

But would you not, in all likelihood, have brushed under the carpet? Presumably if you spilled your guts to the police you could have done that way before?
Would you not have been very frightened if the implications of opening up to the police right there in front of your partner, knowing in all likelihood he will Deny and having no idea re what’s going to happen. Perhaps you have children upstairs?

I think there’s a tendency to think... oh if someone had called the police on my partner, it would have solved the problem.

I would be so scared that I’d be making it worse for you. I would want to Pop over during the day, wait until partner was out, and try to speak with you first and say that I heard and that I’m worried.

as someone who covered up an assault on me by my boyfriend, absolutely call. Yes there is a risk that you could find they won't support a prosecution. Yes there is always a risk it could be taken out on them. But their partner could also seriously injure or kill them and you may not have a chance tomorrow. Also sometimes people are so indoctrinated by their partner that people ignoring it just seems to reinforce that the problem isn't the boyfriend but you. To have someone say that it isnt you is powerful in itself

To the poster who says that they would be put off calling the police because in OP’s case the police say that there is no cause for concern- why? Do you mean that you would be embarrassed to be told that your concerns were unfounded?

Or do you mean that you feel the police were probably useless and swallowed the husband’s lies?

If the latter, I think that police must be trained in some way to understand how a person is likely to react when questioned as a result of a third party call, the dynamics of the woman being afraid to speak up etc. They must know that they have to read between the lines. It is not impossible that the woman has MH problems. We have a neighbour who shouts things like “leave me alone!” in the night, but he lives by himself. (He’s under MH services care and we have a number to ring).

Very often a woman in that position cannot call the police, it only takes a second for a punch or stab and her being on the phone can trigger it.
Also it's terrifying if the police arrive outside and youre inside, it doesn't feel safe until he's 'under control' in cuffs or with several officers between you, so it does feel like saying "I'm fine" is the safest option.

I've been in this position twice, thankfully both times the coppers at the door found a way of communicating 'give us a sign if you want help' without saying it.
I resented my neighbours who used to ask if I was ok and would usually smile as they told me they didn't want to get involved by calling the police. As if they'd done me a favour.