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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has called the police on our neighbours, have we done the right thing?

177 replies

Ninjamomma · 17/09/2020 22:22

DH and I were outside collecting birthday presents from the car and heard our female neighbour from across the street screaming. I couldn't make out everything she was saying but she was historical and we definitely heard "leave me alone" and "I've done nothing wrong" and things being thrown about

I didn't know what to do but DH went straight over and knocked the door - female neighbour came to the door, cracked it open slightly, DH asked If she was OK, she she she was fine and shut the door.

We both didn't feel satisfied so DH has called the police. They are on their way and I'm sat here wondering if we have done the right thing

I'm worried we may have caused tension now with them however I couldn't live with myself If something untoward is going on and I had just turned a blind eye

Have we overstepped our mark?

OP posts:
LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 18/09/2020 09:29

@KeepingPlain

That's put me off ever phoning the police.

I'm curious, why?

For a while we lived next door to a "volatile" couple. They rowed a lot. However one night he woke us up roaring at her and she was screaming in fear.

We phoned the police who went round, they didn't say who'd called them. An hour later he kicked our front door in and threatened to kill my husband. We phoned the police.

He denied it and she backed him up. So they did nothing, despite believing it was him.

Imagine if he was sure it was us because the police had told him so.

CoronaBollox · 18/09/2020 09:30

think theres a tendency to think...oh if someone had called the police on my partner, it would have solved the problem.

Well it would have solved the immediate problem of them potentially being killed. So that's always a good thing. You're right in the majority of cases the victim doesnt confess all and the abuse might continue but like PP have said, acts like that can highlight to the victim that they need out, give them the push they need. Or the obvious one, it might be the first time it's ever got physical. People tend to think that women in abusive relationships have lived like that forever, it has to start somewhere. IME victims are much more likely to be truthful with police the first incident. Rather than a few times in, or after a couple's day when they've managed to be convinced it wasn't that bad, was their fault etc.

So anyway, I would always call the police for them reasons and because I couldn't sit in my home listening to screaming.

seayork2020 · 18/09/2020 09:31

If i think calling the police would actually help i would and not just to do it to make myself feel better about calling them

Griselda1 · 18/09/2020 09:37

I know a police officer who was asked by his neighbour why he had never intervened when her husband beat her head against their party wall and tried to strangle her over and over again. It was a 3 storey house and he didn't sleep on the same floor as them.. She had eventually come out the other side and felt that part of her recovery was to educate. Others knew and had ignored.

throwingawaymyshot · 18/09/2020 09:38

OP my female neighbour has dementia and this happens a lot. She gets angry upset and frustrated. She lashes out at her DH sometimes and sometimes he gets angry and frustrated back. its not always DV although it is distressing for us to hear and sometimes we have had to say something. She refuses any help and her DH won't pay for it.

SueEllenMishke · 18/09/2020 09:38

Or the obvious one, it might be the first time it's ever got physical. People tend to think that women in abusive relationships have lived like that forever, it has to start somewhere

So anyway, I would always call the police for them reasons and because I couldn't sit in my home listening to screaming

My mums neighbour's heard screaming but didn't call the police. it was the first time her boyfriend had been violent but it only took that one time to kill her.

mrscatmad31 · 18/09/2020 09:38

I called the police on my old neighbours as it sounded like he was dragging her down the stairs, they came and she told them nothing was wrong, he was then vile to me (never did anything if my partner was around!) Made my life hell for months, then she shut herself in the bedroom and he started kicking the door down, I was at home at the time but somehow managed to sleep through it, luckily the neighbour across the road called the police and they arrested him and she did leave him that time although i saw her a few months after that in a local pub and she was meeting him.. she saw me and told me she wasn't back with him but I think she was lying, I do hope she got free of him in the end. Would do it again if I had to

KeepingPlain · 18/09/2020 09:42

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

But someone could also die because you didn't intervene.

I get that you don't want to be hurt either. But could you sit in your house, listening to someone screaming for help and then it goes quiet, and the next morning the police are at your door saying there's been a murder asking did you hear anything? Would you lie at that point, or admit you did nothing? Could you live with the guilt?

CoronaBollox · 18/09/2020 09:48

My mums neighbour's heard screaming but didn't call the police. it was the first time her boyfriend had been violent but it only took that one time to kill her.

I am so sorry. Flowers that is awful. I knew someone who was in a relationship for a good few years and she says there was no previous abuse. One night he took a hammer to her face, the neighbours didn't call the police and the only reason she escaped because he went out to his car for something and she locked the door behind him, barricaded herself in and called the police, all whilst he was smashing through the door. Neighbours said the same "we heard it but thought it was an argument that got out of control" Well yes, that's what normally happens in domestic violence incidents.

SueEllenMishke · 18/09/2020 10:01

Thank you coronabollox

I do actually feel for the neighbours. It was by no means malicious behaviour on their part but just highlights the importance of reporting things if you have any concerns.

SueEllenMishke · 18/09/2020 10:03

But could you sit in your house, listening to someone screaming for help and then it goes quiet, and the next morning the police are at your door saying there's been a murder asking did you hear anything? Would you lie at that point, or admit you did nothing? Could you live with the guilt?

This is exactly what happened to my mum's neighbours.......they heard screaming, a bang then silence. They thought they'd just check on her the day after. Well it was too late by then.

poorbuthappy · 18/09/2020 10:08

The one thing I would be wondering now though is do I call again after this?

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 18/09/2020 10:17

[quote KeepingPlain]@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

But someone could also die because you didn't intervene.

I get that you don't want to be hurt either. But could you sit in your house, listening to someone screaming for help and then it goes quiet, and the next morning the police are at your door saying there's been a murder asking did you hear anything? Would you lie at that point, or admit you did nothing? Could you live with the guilt?[/quote]
I phoned the police for just that reason. But she lied when the police came. Why would I do that again when she'd lie again?

I would hope the police would feel more guilt than me for pretending to believe her. It's their job to intervene.

They moved shortly afterwards and then split up.

KeepingPlain · 18/09/2020 10:17

This is exactly what happened to my mum's neighbours.......they heard screaming, a bang then silence. They thought they'd just check on her the day after. Well it was too late by then.

Sorry that happened to your mum. Flowers

I get that it's scary to do that, because sometimes there are repercussions from doing so, as others have shown. But there's also sometimes a fatal crime involved. Which one can you live with, knowing you helped to stop that crime happening, or knowing that you didn't help at all?

KeepingPlain · 18/09/2020 10:21

I phoned the police for just that reason. But she lied when the police came. Why would I do that again when she'd lie again?

I would hope the police would feel more guilt than me for pretending to believe her. It's their job to intervene.

They moved shortly afterwards and then split up.

The police actually can't do anything if the person won't admit there was a crime. If she chose to hide it, that's her choice, but they can't arrest the man without her admitting it.

Maybe you intervening though showed her this isn't normal and that's why they split? You still could have done some good that day, even if you think it didn't help on the same day. As someone else said, it may have just been that push to show her, even others think you need help and that you're being treated badly. You calling may have made her realise that.

CoronaBollox · 18/09/2020 10:24

I do actually feel for the neighbours. It was by no means malicious behaviour on their part but just highlights the importance of reporting things if you have any concerns.

I agree. Rarely people think someone is getting seriously injured but the opposite "oh number 12 are going at it" I've been both at certain times. Selfishly it took own experiences to realise things can change fast and to always call the police, because you never know.

LakieLady · 18/09/2020 10:27

If the latter, I think that police must be trained in some way to understand how a person is likely to react when questioned as a result of a third party call, the dynamics of the woman being afraid to speak up etc

In my county, they are. Sussex police are very pro-active when it comes to DV, got very involved in the White Ribbon campaign and so on. My former boss was involved in a review they did of all their procedures, training and so on and they are all taught about the barriers that prevent women from coming forward and so on.

Requinblanc · 18/09/2020 10:35

Of course you did the right thing! you worried someone was in danger and the best way to address this was to report it and let the police assess the situation.

unmarkedbythat · 18/09/2020 10:39

Good for you both, OP :)

I call the police for things like that. Has driven DH mad before: in fact one night (summer, all windows open, narrow street without front gardens) I could hear the rancid arsehole across the road starting on his wife again and called, and DH and I got into such an argument about whether or not I was unreasonable that when the police arrived they knocked on our door as well to find out what the feck was going on Blush.

TenDays · 18/09/2020 10:49

The police would rather have a few 'false alarms' than have to deal with a serious assault or fatality so you've done the right thing from that perspective.

Also, this may not be the first time the police have been called out to this couple so they might already be 'known'. If they weren't before, they are now!

NoBunnyHere · 18/09/2020 10:56

The police actually can't do anything if the person won't admit there was a crime. If she chose to hide it, that's her choice, but they can't arrest the man without her admitting it.

Is that true? I get that it might be difficult to prove but assault isn't something you can consent to, so as long as the police have reasonable grounds to suspect the violent partner has committed the crime, then they should be able to act?

Ponoka7 · 18/09/2020 11:01

@throwingawaymyshot, his behaviour is abusive. It is a DV relationship.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer, you don't know that she'd lie again.

It took a few incidents before my DD left her abusive ex. The neighbours had phoned the police a few times. When he started harassing her after they split, those phone calls went as evidence against him. If the women ends up dead, those phone calls show that it was systematic abuse and not just a momentarily lose of control and will get him a harsher sentence.

If there's children in the house, the Police should always be called.

Ponoka7 · 18/09/2020 11:03

On the thread asking what muderers have stayed with you, a lot of the DV/kidnap situations were heard by neighbours who did nothing. Including some child murders. I personally couldn't live with myself.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 18/09/2020 11:03

@Ponoka7

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer, you don't know that she'd lie again.

I wasn't the only neighbour who'd phoned the police. Others who lived nearer had many times. Every time she lied.

TiredAdelie · 18/09/2020 11:11

@Afibtomyboy always call.

I was one of those women. I don't know who called the police but when they arrived my violent ex did all the talking and explaining and minimising. I was bleeding from a head injury, concussed, had ringing in my ears and just wanted to lie down and sleep, so when they asked if I wanted to come to the station and make a statement I said no, that I was fine.
BUT the police arriving probably stopped him from killing me and also shocked me into realising I was in an dangerously abusive relationship, not just a passionate and volatile one. It still took me another year to leave but that incident was a turning point, and I'll always be very grateful to that anonymous neighbour.