AIBU for wanting to resign my job and cut contact

[unleashingtheflyingmonkeys]

I've been made redundant twice this year. COVID19 has been a bitch. Been offered a new job. Started 2 weeks ago. Love the job, love my colleagues, its permanent, with wfh days. Salary is fine so far so good.

Had a friend who already worked there. Same position as me. Weve been close friends years. Worked together before and never had a problem.
Last time, I was promoted over her (I was offered the job, she didn't even apply but had made rumblings she wanted progression so was pissed she wasn't thought of). She made a big thing of refusing to work for me, that she'd never work for a friend, it was demeaning etc. She was put with another manager and when I did have to cover, made sure I was sensitive to her feelings, treated her professionally and with respect. No issues. I applied on the website, was interviewed by management *not her) and we are theoretically same level aside from she trains people on different aspects (and thinks she's running the show).

Shes been a nightmare since I started. I think she's scoring points after last time. She's talking to me like shit in front of my colleagues, pulling me up on minor things my boss doesn't have an issue with, making sly digs all day, spent the day telling the office who she was going to sleep with at the weekend which was cringe. Id walk into a room it would go quiet and then laughter would start when I'd left. All I'd hear is whispering all day then normal volume conversations about work related things. Ive never felt so uncomfortable. There is more which would be more identifying than i already have been, but enough to make colleagues ask why if we are friends does she talk to me like that. I was supposed to be training yesterday and she didn't speak a word to me.

I usually do quite a lot for her 3 boys. School runs, babysitting, over night stays, had them 2 weeks while she went to a family funeral in Ireland. Constant last minute emergencies which stopped when I needed to downsize my car for financial reasons. I have 2 boys myself. Im a single parent. She got a bit funny then.

I know this won't get any better. Her and my line manager are inseperable (he fancies the pants off her and doesnt hide it). I know she'll get worse. I was so miserable yesterday I came home and cried and thats not like me.

Aibu for leaving and cutting off contact with her. Im in probation so dont know how much notice I need to give. Only had my contract through yesterday which I need to sign. I have been offered a lower paying lower prospects job but I think I'd be in for hell if I stayed. I dont know what to do.

How much worse off would the other job leave you? Because honestly, I'd be tempted. You have very little in the way of employment rights if you've been there less than 2 years, which it sounds like, and no guarantee of being able to get something else if you stick it now but are forced out/can't cope any more a few months down the line.

OP I really feel for you - I've been in a VERY similar situation before - started a job with a very close friend, started to do better than her, she became seethingly jealous and behaved appallingly towards me. It wasn't easy, but I kept my head down, worked hard, and she was seen and pulled up for her awful behaviour soon enough. She eventually left and I stayed for five years. She was trying to establish dominance over me - professional, social etc - which didn't work, and it sounds like this woman is doing the same to you.

I'm not convinced that reporting to HR etc is what I'd do so soon after starting, but keep it as an option. For now, definitely start documenting what's going on, however insignificant it may seem. Cut her out of everything unrelated to work - unfriend, block, stop with the personal favours etc etc; from experience, it's highly unlikely your friendship will recover and she can't honestly expect to be able to rely on you for anything when she treats you this way. Keep things professional and polite, spend more time talking to this other lady who sat with you, and others. Start actively applying for other roles, if you can. If it comes to it and you need to report, go over your line manager's head - highlight why you've had to do that as their relationship has put you in an untenable position given her behaviour.

Is there anyoen else who can show you the ropes? Ask thme for help.

Go through your job spec and get others to show you the ropes, if queried say oh she's busy, I'd like to getstuck in right away.

And do it.

Don't let her bully you out, also what is the company policy for dating work colleagues, your line manager is walking a fine line if he is dating someone he manages.

I agree with a previous poster, I would not walk away from my job because of her, that's exactly what she wants. I would take her aside and tell her in no uncertain terms if she doesn't change her behaviour towards you you will report her to HR for bullying and you'll tell them she's sleeping with her Manager, even if she isn't I'd threaten her with it, I'm nice like that.

Then I would walk in every morning bright and breezy saying good morning to everyone, be chatty and friendly and show her she's not getting to you. She's getting off on the fact she's having an effect on you, don't give her that opportunity.

Hope you can be strong enough to sort the sly bitch out.

She is not a friend, stop being a doormat. Disengage totally. If you are not happy in this job keep your eyes peeled for another, and as you are leaving anyway I would take it to HR. You have nothing to lose and when she does it to someone else there will be history.
Best of luck,

Sorry to hear this, she sounds absolutely vile tbh. Your notice period should be in your contract, it’s usually shorter (1 week) during probation. If the other job isn’t too much of a step down financially or work wise then life’s too short, I’d take the other job. It does sound though like some of her colleagues are already waking up to her nastiness and trying to support you. If you stuck it out then you may find things improve, but if they don’t, it could be awful. Definitely block her everywhere though, she’s absolutely no friend. Good luck I hope things improve whatever you do.

Interesting that one of your colleagues felt empathy for you, which goes to show that her behaviour has been noticed as being vile.

You haven't done anything wrong, so stand your ground.

Note all conversations and pass to HR.

Who's the manager above your manager?

Even if you can't bear it and leave I'd tell them exactly why, including the unprofessional behaviour of your manager with her.

Interesting that one of your colleagues felt empathy for you, which goes to show that her behaviour has been noticed as being vile.

Yes, this.

Go to HR with written notes of things she's said and done, times and dates and witnesses including this one.

Don't give up a job for her!

A tanking economy is not a good time to make a principled stand. Act in your own selfish interests. If you do stay and turn down the other role, it should be because you reckon that's the best option open to you, not because she shouldn't be able to push you out of a job.

Go to HR. You are being bullied.

Oh and there's no way in hell I'd be leaving. I'd be undercutting her with better work, better attitude and beating her for the next promotion too.

Bullying.

Take notes, raise with HR and ask the processes you need to follow as you are on a weaker position being on probation. Stand up for yourself. You will feel stronger long term. As shitty as it is, try to see it objectively and building your experience because of she ever progresses her attitude will hinder her, take her cuntiness and use it to demonstrate how you handle it because you'll always be a better candidate than her. She's a nasty user and your usefulness is gone. This is who she really is. Use the experience to get promote over her and her boss.

She is a cow, you have said yourself she is not the same since you are not at her beck and call for her children.

I would approach HR, she is actively excluding you. I would hope that in the future, if the situation on lunch crops up again, the other 3 women will make a stance and say no. That is absolutely bitchy behaviour.

What is company policy on relationships by the way? Going on dates with your line manager is pretty much on par with shagging yourself to the top...... And we wonder why women are still struggling to be equals in the workplace!!

I agree with everyone. It is interesting that colleague noticed and said something.

As far as today goes, can you ask her what you need to do in a very professional email, and then if she ‘kicks off’ you’ve got it in written form?

I wouldn’t take a job with a friend without making sure they were okay with it. I was probably a bit like your friend once when he applied for a job and I had to train him and ultimately decide if he was a good hire or not. I had my work mates who I socialise differently with and ultimately we fell out. I could have been nicer in hindsight but I really struggled with having my normal life mate there with all that we’d been through and my work mates who didn’t know anything of my pre working there life.

Unprofessional absolutely. But I know I’m not the only one like that... and it would have been different if he hadn’t applied when I was on holiday as I normally did the recruitment for the position but he just surprised me there.

Make of note of everything including who else was present - dates times locations

Speak to line manager.
If he does nothing, speak to HR about raising the issue higher.

I don't see why you should lose out on a job because she is threatened by you.

Stop looking after her kids and doing her favours.

I wouldn't resign right now, but would be on the look out for a role that's at least the equivalent in money, ts a d Cs, progression.

Can you ask her questions in front of other people so you can have witnesses when she kicks off or tries to? Then slightly roll your eyes in surprise. Be calm due to your EXPERIENCE and PROFESSIONALISM as you were in a HIGHER position which will show and ask softly "is everything alright?".

She is really feeling theatened that you will go higher up once again. When people ask what is wrong say you used to know her from your previous job and you got promoted over her which she didn't take kindly but nothing like that so you are surprised as you had never spoken to her derogatorily despite your position. They should know what she is like.

I can't help thinking that if you give it till the end of probation (or at least halfway), this would buy some time BUT... I can see this line manager also having chances to make life more difficult for you in terms of references etc and the opportunity to move on while still giving it a shot, if he is influenced by your colleague to such an extent. If you still go for the 'rest of probation' (and then quit) approach, then
I would probably:
Try to get hold of ALL policies that could relate to this and to probation - my work has a ton of them - and read them very carefully as you will find that certain phrases should stand out when you do.
Then keep and prepare for any probation meetings (if you don't have them, ask for one at least halfway through and one before the end), to measure up against benchmarks for you that will be meaningful in this period. So if your performance is good, you should be able to have this noted in the meeting. Also agree clear progress aims.
Be civil but not too accepting. Read around some de-escalation techniques. Practice 'I'd like to keep this professional'; 'I think that was unnecessarily critical' and similar responses about you not finding certain things acceptable. Be in front of others when you're using them.
Keep actively searching and applying.

I'd want to take it further with HR, making a note of everthing before leaving at least.

In answer to a few questions.

She encouraged me to apply - sent me the link, said how great it would be etc. Feel a mug for believing that now.

I changed my people carrier due to my boys being older and not needing car seats and it would be cheaper to run and insure etc. Didnt stop her from asking me to make two trips/ask my eldest to walk etc. In the past fortnight ive babysat 3 times for her, all day, for different reasons. Even with the smaller car. My car went in for minor repairs and ive not long found out that she was in the office talking about how she will put her foot down and say no if I ask for a lift. I'm mortified.

The other job has come back to me, marginally upped its salary and offered full time working from home so for that I would normally consider it anyway. I dont know what to do. My colleagues are nice, and my line manager (away from her) is nice, but its clear shes got the place sewn up. She went through my IT pack and swapped out items that she had broken or wanted newer of, like the mouse, laptop stand etc, and apparently was like, its only unleashing and shes too new to complain. The stuff that was in my pack was either broken or filthy. I've got my own keyboard, mouse, laptop stand but that rankled a bit.

I'm torn between wanting to be more assertive and not seeing the point in battling this out. Ive know her for years, this will turn into a game for her - after a divorce, bereavement and this pandemic and recession, this is just the icing on the cake. How she can mess with my livelihood is a joke. I dont know if this is me being paranoid or if this has been pre planned since my promotion and new car.

I will not help her out anymore. Our kids are friends, and I'd never spite them or impact them but im done with her, permanently. Just need to get over the next couple of weeks, see what happens.

She currently on teams talking about how huge my colleagues size 14 cardigan was, and how it looked like a blanket and she couldnt imagine being that big (colleague is an 8) knowing I am a size 14. She really is something else. I've earnt a glass of wine tonight.

I'd take the other job but let management know why. Even if you wanted to stay there they are unlikely to sack her for passive aggressive stuff and she'll be there forever poisoning your work life, even more fucked off and dangerous. Then I'd go NC as much a I could. Toxic people like this will never change. I left a job after being bullied by a horrible toxic colleague. I regret not standing up for myself more but often its all low level stuff that just eats away at you.

I think you should insinuate that a manager taking her out on dates is inappropriate and contrary to policy

Could you go back to the other company tell them you'd consider the job for ? Would they be able to match the salary?

I'd definitely consider WFH jobs, as I prefer them to commuting.