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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to resign my job and cut contact

195 replies

unleashingtheflyingmonkeys · 17/09/2020 08:38

I've been made redundant twice this year. COVID19 has been a bitch. Been offered a new job. Started 2 weeks ago. Love the job, love my colleagues, its permanent, with wfh days. Salary is fine so far so good.

Had a friend who already worked there. Same position as me. Weve been close friends years. Worked together before and never had a problem.
Last time, I was promoted over her (I was offered the job, she didn't even apply but had made rumblings she wanted progression so was pissed she wasn't thought of). She made a big thing of refusing to work for me, that she'd never work for a friend, it was demeaning etc. She was put with another manager and when I did have to cover, made sure I was sensitive to her feelings, treated her professionally and with respect. No issues. I applied on the website, was interviewed by management *not her) and we are theoretically same level aside from she trains people on different aspects (and thinks she's running the show).

Shes been a nightmare since I started. I think she's scoring points after last time. She's talking to me like shit in front of my colleagues, pulling me up on minor things my boss doesn't have an issue with, making sly digs all day, spent the day telling the office who she was going to sleep with at the weekend which was cringe. Id walk into a room it would go quiet and then laughter would start when I'd left. All I'd hear is whispering all day then normal volume conversations about work related things. Ive never felt so uncomfortable. There is more which would be more identifying than i already have been, but enough to make colleagues ask why if we are friends does she talk to me like that. I was supposed to be training yesterday and she didn't speak a word to me.

I usually do quite a lot for her 3 boys. School runs, babysitting, over night stays, had them 2 weeks while she went to a family funeral in Ireland. Constant last minute emergencies which stopped when I needed to downsize my car for financial reasons. I have 2 boys myself. Im a single parent. She got a bit funny then.

I know this won't get any better. Her and my line manager are inseperable (he fancies the pants off her and doesnt hide it). I know she'll get worse. I was so miserable yesterday I came home and cried and thats not like me.

Aibu for leaving and cutting off contact with her. Im in probation so dont know how much notice I need to give. Only had my contract through yesterday which I need to sign. I have been offered a lower paying lower prospects job but I think I'd be in for hell if I stayed. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 17/09/2020 09:42

As they seem helpful, I would go to HR. Just explain factually what the situation is and leave then to determine how to resolve the issue. I would try not to give up a job because of this (but then sometimes I do let my principles come before my happiness).

The colleague who sat with you can clearly see your 'friend' for what she is. Hopefully she is a decent person but, whatever you do, don't make the mistake of getting into conversations with her about your friend. You don't know this woman. Don't gossip with her. Be friendly, talk work stuff but nothing about your (former) friend.

Didiusfalco · 17/09/2020 09:43

She sounds truly dreadful. If I was you I would try to get another job and then cut her out of your life completely.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/09/2020 09:44

wow - some friend!
I'd stick with the job, drop all personal contact, keep your head down and act professionally.
Personally I'd have dropped her as a "friend" when she kicked off at your earlier promotion, but you are where you are. She sounds ghastly!

tsmainsqueeze · 17/09/2020 09:46

I see the point of not letting her bully you out of a job , but realistically if she is so close to line manager what chance do you have ?
I bet some of your colleagues are a little worried they may get the same treatment from her at some point so probably will keep out of it
I hate to say it but i think i would go for the other job .
That said i would wipe the floor with her to someone higher up than line manager when i did resign, and i would completely block / blank her totally from my life .
Good luck , she will come unstuck bullies usually do at some point .

Suzi888 · 17/09/2020 09:47

Totally unprofessional to be going on dates with her line manager - shouldn’t be her line manager.

I’d raise it with HR. She isn’t conducting herself professionally.

She sounds horrible, I’d stay put but look for a new job ASAP.

AntiHop · 17/09/2020 09:51

You'll probably only have to give a short amount of notice as you're on probation. Will you need this place to give you a reference to get the new job? If you don't, I would resign, tell your manager's manager why, leave this off your cv and block 'friend'.

I would also tell her manager, even though you think it will fall on deaf ears, to cover all your bases.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 17/09/2020 09:52

Don't leave until you find something new.

Sign the contract and don't help out with her DC unless you need her to help out equally with your own DC.

Sometimes work can be unbearable with people like this. Sadly talking to management seldom makes a difference and usually makes s things worse.

Often people change teams, positions etc so hold out and hope that happens soon for either of you

Weave · 17/09/2020 09:53

Oh she sounds horrendous. What a vile person. In your shoes I would definitely just cut my losses and look for something new. It might be cold comfort but clearly she is very threatened by you and a bit of a pathetic person. What a horrible experience, very unpleasant. You sound like you are handling it very evenhandedly, you sound a million times more mature than her. Clearly she needs to scheme and treat people like shit to try and get ahead, whereas you are just capable and good at your job!

GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide · 17/09/2020 09:58

I'd stay until I found something new....and better if possible to really rub her up the wrong way Wink but to be honest I can be quite pretty.

I would carry on as you are because she won't get away with this forever and something will eventually come back to bite her on the arse.

billy1966 · 17/09/2020 09:59

I can't believe you looked after her children for 2 weeks.

What an absolutely poisonous person.

Flowers
SenselessUbiquity · 17/09/2020 10:00

It's obvious to others that she is awful and unprofessional. You may not have to leave, so don't do anything hasty.
I am not sure what the solution is - it depends on the structure of the company, the culture of the company, and your personality - but it sounds as she is terrible at disguising that she has it in for you in a way that reflects terribly on her, so things may work out. I bet others are sick of her too.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/09/2020 10:02

She's got into your head. Block her on SM. Grey rock. Strictly business. Don't get involved in silly girls games.

FeminismIsForALLWomen · 17/09/2020 10:02

If you can manage on the lower pay then I'd say take that job instead, life's too short and this constant bullying must be awful Flowers

Make sure you put everything in writing before you leave, and request an exit interview with HR or whoever is above her line manager. I know it's a pain but you can't let her get away with bullying people at work just because you used to be friends.

1FootInTheRave · 17/09/2020 10:03

She isn't your friend at all!

I would make it my life mission to ruin her at work. Or, if you can't play the long game then speak to hr, raise a formal grievance and hand your notice in.

Horrid cow needs a lesson.

Notajogger · 17/09/2020 10:04

I wouldn't leave, that seems to be what she wants.

I'd keep a record of everything and report regularly to HR and the manager of your manager until they do something. Let them know exactly why you can't talk to your manager (including the fact they've been on dates).

Be professional back to her and as pp said, stand up for yourself each time she does something and be firm - "please speak to me as you do our other colleagues" or something. She is used to you doing what she wants and not standing up for yourself, so it might shock her into change a bit.

The others clearly see her for what she is which is good news.

Panicwiththebisto · 17/09/2020 10:11

Since she brought up that it would be strictly professional from now on, then that is it on the friendship and no more doing stuff to help her out with her boys, especially at the weekends if she’s out shagging!

I would hang on, be professional, but in the meantime apply for as many jobs as you can. Can you change the days you wfh, so you aren’t there when she is? But, if it is really unbearable then take the lower paid job now and look for other higher paying jobs.

Cam2020 · 17/09/2020 10:15

As a side note, it's not a surprising she wasn't thought of for a promotion at her previous job! Sounds like she's found somewhere that will tolerate her awful behaviour!

LordOfTheOnionRings · 17/09/2020 10:16

Wtffffff. Make her life hell.

Panicwiththebisto · 17/09/2020 10:20

Did you downsize your car from a people carrier to a 4-seater, which meant you could no longer ferry her boys around with your two?

She’s no friend, she’s just a user!

Chickychickydodah · 17/09/2020 10:21

She’s a bitch, stop helping her with the kids and block. Move on

lightyearsahead · 17/09/2020 10:22

No do not resign.
Stop being her friend, stop being sensitive to her feelings.
You are there to do a job so just do it.
When she plays up, tilt your head and smile (inwardly you can scream you fucking bitch) but don't show it is getting to you.
Say thank you so much for your input, I will take that on board.
Kill her with false kindness.
Do not let her push you out.

Figgygal · 17/09/2020 10:23

God she is a nasty using bully how pathetic that grown women still behave like that

Hope you find a way through you shouldn’t have to miss out on an opportunity because someone else is being a massive tool

gingerwhinger0 · 17/09/2020 10:23

Don't do any more favours for her, if you are worried about the repercussions, what more can she do - she's already making you feel miserable ? if she does get worse, then her behaviour will become more obvious to others and give you more ammunition to take to HR.

SerenityNowwwww · 17/09/2020 10:31

She is not a friend. Keep a note if everything, no matter how ‘minor’ - it shows a pattern of bullying behaviour. Looks for a new job pronto. Keep your head up and a smile on your face. Be cool, calm and polite, nothing more. This is work they aren’t your friends.

Stop being available for her - why do her nay favours at all? None, none at all under any circumstance.

I feel for you I really do! I had an assistant like this (although not quite as bad). Turns out she had been having a fling with my boss since before I arrived and everyone knew (including his wife when the penny dropped on a staff away day and the wife was there).

NewAutumnName · 17/09/2020 10:36

She sounds a nightmare. A bully and one of those irritating people who post everything they do in an attempt to make you feel left out etc.

Well done for unfriending you. She said she doesn't want to be a friend. Don't help her out anymore. Do your job and avoid her where possible. Try to be assertive to her - if she puts you down in front of others bring her up on her comments/call her out on it. Ask her if something is wrong in front of others.

From what you said there is at least one other who is aware and has reached out to you. Be friendly with that person. If your line manager is dating her then go above him and express your concerns in a factual, calm way.

'I unfollowed her. Sat quietly and got on. It was so bad one of the women came and sat by me after she got an early finish (to get her nails done before lockdown) and said not to worry about her and im doing well.'

Flowers good luck and listen and try some of the advice here. There are some nice people around stick with them.