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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 16/09/2020 15:24

You reckon he'd choose his Mum over you?! Yours is really not the romance of the century, is it?

EarthlyTent · 16/09/2020 15:30

Lol

SueEllenMishke · 16/09/2020 15:53

I've been in a marriage where I was second place .....it's a sad a lonely place to be.

Original poster
mimblefish · 16/09/2020 16:16

Okay, I've gathered that most people don't agree with me, but that's okay. Husband, best friend, best friend's husband and I are all very happy. Smile

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 16/09/2020 16:21

Does your friend feel the same about you?

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/09/2020 16:23

You seem to be assuming your dh and friend are both aware of the extremity of your feelings. Is this so?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/09/2020 17:08

I'm sure my husband would choose his mum or our children over me.

Choosing his mum would be very strange, but I'd expect almost all parents to choose their children in front of their spouse - and for the also-imperilled spouse to want them to make that exact same choice. Of course, this is still all hypothetical, but as well as the (hopefully) unbreakable parental bond, practically speaking, a young child would be much easier to grab than an adult - plus you're saving more years of somebody's life than if you rescue somebody who's already had several decades of theirs.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/09/2020 17:11

but I'd expect almost all parents to choose their children in front of their spouse - and for the also-imperilled spouse to want them to make that exact same choice
Yes, of course. The children are an a irrelevance here. It's the mum and best friend which are downright weird.

Porcupineinwaiting · 16/09/2020 17:15

I would bloody well hope my husband would save our kids before me. I would never forgive him if he didn't.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/09/2020 17:18

@Porcupineinwaiting

I would bloody well hope my husband would save our kids before me. I would never forgive him if he didn't.
Well most people would, isn't that the point?
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/09/2020 17:21

Yes, of course. The children are an a irrelevance here. It's the mum and best friend which are downright weird.

I was just responding to OP's declaration that her DH would save his DM OR their DC first, before her - as if BOTH options would be surprising or unreasonable.

Original poster
mimblefish · 16/09/2020 18:20

@Thisismytimetoshine

You seem to be assuming your dh and friend are both aware of the extremity of your feelings. Is this so?
As I’ve said earlier, yes.
OP posts:
Original poster
mimblefish · 16/09/2020 18:23

@SueEllenMishke

Does your friend feel the same about you?
Yes.
OP posts:
PolarBearStrength · 16/09/2020 18:25

I’m one of those incredibly uncool people who genuinely is best friends with her husband so I don’t have this issue I guess?

MrsMayo · 16/09/2020 18:32

@PolarBearStrength

I’m one of those incredibly uncool people who genuinely is best friends with her husband so I don’t have this issue I guess?
Me too, I really like him. I have loads of female friends, been friends with some over 30 years. I just prefer spending longer periods of time with DH.
Original poster
mimblefish · 16/09/2020 18:41

@PolarBearStrength

I’m one of those incredibly uncool people who genuinely is best friends with her husband so I don’t have this issue I guess?
I don’t think that’s uncool! I also don’t think my situation is an “issue”. I was just interested to find out whether others felt like my friend who commented on it.
OP posts:
PablosHoney · 16/09/2020 18:50

Some of these posts are nauseating. You are lucky OP 😊 I’m sure you would have run off into the sunset before now if that was your secret desire!

lyralalala · 16/09/2020 18:50

Because I'm in love with him. I'm not in love with my friend. I'm sure my husband would choose his mum or our children over me.

It's bizarre to me that you'd choose your friend over your husband, it's also bizarre that you put his Mum before your children in that sentence.

PablosHoney · 16/09/2020 18:51

And surely your friend who commented is clouded by bisexuality.

firstimemamma · 16/09/2020 18:53

The love I have for my friends doesn't come anywhere near the love I have for my fiancé.

SantaClaritaDiet · 16/09/2020 19:01

I find that weird too I have to say.

If I thought the same way, I am not sure i would bother staying with my own husband, it just means he's not the one.

That said, nothing wrong with companionship and no deep love in a marriage I guess, but only as long as it's shared and one person is not deeply hurt because really they are only second best.

I can't even figure how that could work: say your best friend has the opportunity to move abroad for her dream job, negotiate and compromise with her husband - as most couple would try to make it work and move together.
Where would you stand? Stay put because your own husband has 0 reason to relocate, or move with your friend?

It's not even about the children, but when you love someone, you kind of want to be together as much as possible. Temporary posting abroad are hard enough.

PablosHoney · 16/09/2020 19:09

😂😂😂

Runmybathforme · 16/09/2020 19:17

Absolutely not. My DH is my best friend, he’s way above everyone else, except my children. To say that you’d rescue your friend before your DH is weird, and a bit sad.

WildAboutMyPlanet · 16/09/2020 19:24

No. DH comes first before anyone else (except DC). Odd that you would pick your BF and he would pick his mum. Weird.

billy1966 · 16/09/2020 19:27

I don't have a best female friend, but several that I love dearly.

This thread is so funny OP.

Much as I love my friends dearly...I would pull my husband out of that building first, because he is my children's adored father firstly........and because I love him dearly as a close second.

Someone I really like, who lost her husband two years ago ......told me recently that her greatest grief at her husband's passing,..... was the enormous loss he was to their children.
She loved him to bits...but it was their lost that was the breaking of her.

I so got that...makes me cry just to type this.