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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 17/09/2020 18:31

Bit weird OP. I don't even like my husband that much most of the time, but he's the father of my children so I'm obviously going to save him from a burning building before any friend.

Velvetlover65 · 17/09/2020 18:56

Good luck to all the people picking their husbands over their mates and wont have anyone when/if their husbands leave them or die.

bunnyonthemantle · 17/09/2020 18:58

I fell out with my best friend 12 years ago. I grieved for that relationship for longer than I did when my gran died or any boyfriend break up. If I still had that friendship I could see myself feeling that strongly. Not sure about the burning building thing though as dh and I have children so that deepens the bond. Do you have kids op?

Thisismytimetoshine · 17/09/2020 18:58

@Velvetlover65

Good luck to all the people picking their husbands over their mates and wont have anyone when/if their husbands leave them or die.
Very bizarre thought process! Do women not die too, then?
Oldbutkicking · 17/09/2020 19:14

We see on here how many best friendships of many years falter. Save your DH!

SueEllenMishke · 17/09/2020 19:15

How many women on this thread were actually saying that now they have a husband they don't have friends?? That's not what I was reading.
Lots were saying that they do have close female friends but their husbands (and father of their children) comes first.

ClementineWoolysocks · 17/09/2020 19:23

@Velvetlover65

Good luck to all the people picking their husbands over their mates and wont have anyone when/if their husbands leave them or die.
You know it's possible to have a husband and friends right?
Miseryl · 17/09/2020 19:23

Well my boyfriend actually was my best friend before we got together so I killed two birds with one stone! 🤣 He is still the person closest to me and who I confide in the most, no one else comes close. We share a home and a life together, I can't imagine how I could be closer or more attached to someone🤷‍♀️

MummyofTw0 · 17/09/2020 19:29

100% me and my best friend. I would totally equally drag them out of a building mind, but she definitely is my rock. My friendship soul mate x

motherofdxughters · 17/09/2020 19:31

Not for me.

I have wonderful, healthy relationships with my friends; especially my best friend of 20+ years. We share a very emotionally intimate relationship but it's nothing like the relationship I share with my husband.

Aside from my children, my husband is the person I adore most in the whole world.

MerchantOfVenom · 17/09/2020 19:34

@WinterAndRoughWeather

I’m quite surprised by this thread as I didn’t think so many people had “besties” as adults. I have several very close friends but best friends seems sort of a childhood thing to me. They were always on rotation throughout childhood too. I really thought it was something people grow out of.
🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m 46, we met when we were 5. We grew up together, through school and uni, went our separate ways for a bit, though kept in touch. Ended up overseas together for a while, and have now settled down in the same city with kids the same age.

I call her my ‘best’ friend, as we’ve know each for so long that I don’t remember meeting her, and we’re still close friends. Been through the ups and downs of life.

It’s not as if we swore to be BFFs for ever, and wear matching half-heart shaped necklaces, and play twos games where we exclude other people!

I have another very dear friend who I’ve known even longer, but who I’m just not as close to, and lots of other more recent friends.

S just happens to have the status of ‘best’ friend, because we’re still in touch and close after all these years.

Diva66 · 17/09/2020 19:34

Nobody comes before my husband. That is weird.

Cordial11 · 17/09/2020 19:37

I sorry , my DP is really the most important to me. I love my best friend to pieces but my DH is my partner in life .

MomToTwoBabas · 17/09/2020 19:37

It's a no from me.

MomToTwoBabas · 17/09/2020 19:38

You sure theres not more to your feelings OP.

Mittens030869 · 17/09/2020 19:38

Good luck to all the people picking their husbands over their mates and wont have anyone when/if their husbands leave them or die.

I do get what you're saying. As I've said, my MIL lost her DH suddenly and ended up on her own, leaving her totally dependent emotionally on my DH and BIL. That's what can be the consequence of being too dependent on one person for your happiness in life.

But it doesn't have to be a case of either/or. My DH is my best friend, and he and my DDs are the people I'm closest to, but I really value my extended family and my close friends as well.

CloudyVanilla · 17/09/2020 19:41

Erm no definitely not for me. My partner is also my best friend, as much as I care for others. I'm also, you know, in love with him and attracted to him so again pushes it further up the hierarchy than friendship.

I did have a friend who seemed to think like you and to be honest she was overbearing and possessive and it took starting a relationship to realise it wasn't a normal way to treat a friend. It is really sad to lose her actually but it was icky

Southernsoftie76 · 17/09/2020 19:46

This is a fascinating thread to read, I don’t have any friends and I’m divorced, I find relationships hard work, I actually don’t want friends or a partner, I love being alone. I have plenty of acquaintances that I have a chat with but nobody I could trust or rely on.

Reubenshat · 17/09/2020 19:50

I’ve known my best mate for 31 years dh 10. My best mate knows me. Knows all my deep dark horrible secrets and me her. I love her and she loves me. I’d say we are like very close sisters.

If I had to choose who I’d go on holiday out of dh and best mate - it would be best mate. So I guess I like my best mate more Grin

user1471519931 · 17/09/2020 19:57

I agree OP

yelyah22 · 17/09/2020 20:09

I have a couple of extremely close female friends who know me incredibly well and who make me so glad for the support and being known of female friendship. I miss them when we don't talk, and one of them is so close as to be basically family (I lived with her on and off through childhood/teens due to various things). My relationship with them has such depth and history and I am so, so, so glad they're in my life - I hope everyone has best friends who make them feel like mine do. They are incredible.

But my partner knows everything about me. He sees me on my best and worst days, when I'm ill or grieving or happy or whatever, there's just an extra layer to the relationship that's nothing to do with sex, it's more... the conscious choosing to go through life together. He is, very genuinely, my best friend - I would choose him in a heartbeat over anyone else.

Having said that, I don't think it's wrong to get different things emotionally from different people. Each of my three 'best friends' have different ...functions (horrible way to put it, but you know what I mean) in my life. One understands my childhood and that colours our relationship in a particular way. One was my closest friend through my formative teen years and that puts our relationship in a different lens, as someone who experienced those years and some of the big things that happened with me. The third I've known for a long time, but over the last ten years we have both gone through some big, devastating, hard life experiences and have become very, very very close again as a result of the understanding and shared experiences we have. There are things I'd tell one, or two of them, but not the third, and so on. People fulfil different roles in each others' lives, you shouldn't get all your emotional support and connection and fulfilment from one person.

Purplealienpuke · 17/09/2020 20:21

Im single. Best friend of 44 years has been through everything with me and vice versa. No man would ever beat that now in my life....
After my child and grandchildren she's the closest person to me.
I have siblings but not the same relationship.
I get it OP, but I don't have a husband so I can't make that comparison.

Kolsch · 17/09/2020 20:23

Put it this way. If all three of us were being chased by zombie's, I would trip my best mate up.

FelicisNox · 17/09/2020 20:30

I get where you're coming from, I had a friendship with someone whom I adored, utterly platonic and a totally different kind of love.

Is the usual? Definitely not but I can relate right up to the burning building part.

My DH is literally my OH and that honour is for him only, that's my choice after years of being repeatedly stabbed in the back by so called friends.

Cherish her but not above all others, it's not healthy.

UglyBoy19 · 17/09/2020 21:18

If that’s how you feel about your best friend, who are we all to judge ?
Happy for you that you have that connection and also a happy marriage.

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