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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 16/09/2020 19:33

While I fully support a strong female friendship and can completely understand how wonderful it is to have friend you love ( I have one and I love her very much ) I believe that your husband and children should come first ( obviously in a happy relationship where there is no abuse etc)

You are a family and that family unit should be a priority. When you agree to get married that is what you are doing .... prioritising that person. How would your kids feel if they knew you'd choose your friend over their dad?

BabyItsAWildWorld · 16/09/2020 19:33

This is an interesting discussion OP.

I love my BF. Life without her terrifies me. She knows me inside out and I trust her completely.

My DH though is my partner in life. He puts me and our family above everything else, in a way my BF cannnot, and should not, do. And I do the same for him and our family. This love and commitment therefore, for me, transcends even the love for my BF.

BUT I love the stories of deep female friendship on this thread! It's really heart lifting to see the love and solidarity women give each other.

And I think you obviously married the right man! One who is happy to be loved by you, share life with you, be your life partner, but secure enough to know that the deep and long connection with your BF for you, transcends but does not diminish the love you have for him.

It might not work for some people, including me, but OP you sound like you are a person people really and deeply love Smile.

FilthyforFirth · 16/09/2020 19:41

Only read the first page but you would sacrifice your childrens father for someone they arent even related to? Strikes me as odd and very cold. I would not be happy if I was your child...

StrawberrySquash · 16/09/2020 21:33

If this whole set up and dynamic works for the three of you and the kids then great. Carry on and don't worry. It's great when people get so much out of relationships. And I think it's narrow to think that platonic relationships can't be as valuable and important as romantic ones. And let's be honest, plenty of people can't make the conventional relationships work! If it ain't broke OP, then don't try to fix yours.

x2boys · 16/09/2020 21:44

Yes this is weird I have a group of friends. Who I love to bits ,but my Dh is my world along with my kids .

BabyItsAWildWorld · 16/09/2020 22:07

@Sarahpaula

I don't have a female friend that I am in constant contact with. What does it feel like. Does it feel like love?"

It does. Like a deep safe love. Like you are known.
(Although mines not constant contact, I couldn't be doing with that.)

Lolwhat · 16/09/2020 22:11

I think you’re the odd one here, nowt wrong with that though

Rewis · 16/09/2020 22:16

If I believed in soul mates, i think that my bff is mine. I also believe this is the case for most people, but it's nicer to say that it's your partner.. I love having girlfriends and I do think emotional needs need to be distributed more. I just listened to a podcast where a psychologist was talking about how we put so much pressure on a relationship for our emotional needs when before there was the whole village sharing them.

It's hard to say if your relationship is "too" intense since I've never considered my friendships in those terms. But hey, good for you.

Sarahpaula · 16/09/2020 22:31

Sigh. Now I feel like I have achieved nothing in this life.

I have never had a beautiful, loving relationship. I have been with some men who treated me badly - though I don't only blame them, I attracted it.

And I have never had a deep loving female friendship.

I feel like my heart is closed and I have never experienced deep love with anyone. MAybe I need to open my heart and work on getting closer to people

BabyItsAWildWorld · 16/09/2020 22:35

Sarahpaula I hope you can open your heart and find a friend who loves you Flowers.

But it's not an achievement, some people's paths are just harder than others. Be kind to yourself.

FieldsAndSun · 16/09/2020 22:45

My husband is my best friend

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/09/2020 01:02

I think the difference between someone like me and the OP is that I’m not emotionally involved with my friends, even the closest ones. I care about them and we share life’s highs and lows, give each other advice, etc.- but I don’t “love” them in the way I do DH and my children, and our lives aren’t intertwined.

If we don’t speak for a week, that’s fine, people get busy. But not speaking to DH for a week is unthinkable
(unless we literally couldn’t for some reason).

MrsMayo · 17/09/2020 15:38

I get what you are saying.

I dont miss my friends even though I do like spending time with them. I would miss my DH, DS and a few other family members.

SurreyHillsGirl · 17/09/2020 16:55

Big fat NOPE. I love my DH more than anyone or anything in the world. I love my best friends, they are amazing, however, my DH is my unequivocal number one. He is my ultimate bestie, and that’s the way it should be 🤷🏻‍♀️ v odd to love your best friend more than your DH. V odd.

lilfoxfur · 17/09/2020 17:20

I absolutely adore my best friend but I'd choose my Dh over her, he's family.

MrsMayo · 17/09/2020 17:41

@MrsMayo

I get what you are saying.

I dont miss my friends even though I do like spending time with them. I would miss my DH, DS and a few other family members.

I mean't that I knew what AmICrazyorWhat2 was saying not OP.
Jane1727 · 17/09/2020 17:49

I get it. I love my husband but if he upped and left tomorrow I could cope. Not saying I would want to but I would. Without my closest friends I wouldn’t.
I have about 5 friends who I could phone any time of the day or night and know they would be there for me in a second as I would be for any of them. I couldn’t be without any of them. They are like my family.

SenorFrog · 17/09/2020 17:54

My DH is number one (after my children obviously) and I can't imagine anyone being above him. However, if you don't feel like that and you have a female friend at the top instead, so long as your DH is happy then YANBU. I don't understand why anyone else would say otherwise, they aren't part of your relationships and they're just projecting how they would feel. Incidentally, does you DH put you as number 1?

Devlesko · 17/09/2020 17:54

Nope, because friends come and go and rarely is the friendship really that important.
How often would you visit and how close would you be 300 miles away, if either moved.
You clearly aren't that into your dh, sorry. No it's not normal your dh should be loved as much as your dc, but it's clearly not a competition of who loves who more, that's childish.

SHONNYSMUMMY · 17/09/2020 17:57

@mimblefish gurllllll.... me and you are on the same page. Bestie love all day... Yep burning building and all, because after all if shit hits the fan with DH guess what it's bestie that will be there...

mumda · 17/09/2020 17:58

I have an ex best friend who people used to call my second husband.
She didn't like me disagreeing with her and turned into a right nutjob.
She made me feel really awful for a few months before I put her out of my life.

IsaMatilda · 17/09/2020 18:01

I think it says more about the relationship with DH than the friendship being unusually deep. Not everyone has a DH that they would describe as their best friend... those that do are the lucky ones

WinterAndRoughWeather · 17/09/2020 18:02

I’m quite surprised by this thread as I didn’t think so many people had “besties” as adults. I have several very close friends but best friends seems sort of a childhood thing to me. They were always on rotation throughout childhood too. I really thought it was something people grow out of.

Jazzicatz · 17/09/2020 18:08

I am the same op. I have a best friend that I love far more than any partner. I find it so surprising how many people on this thread saying their partner is their best friend and that’s all they need.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/09/2020 18:22

I think most people need other friends aside from their DH, but they’re not as emotionally close to them, IYSWIM. I certainly need my friends!

Even if DH and I split, though, I still couldn’t see myself having an equally deep friendship. I suppose I’m fairly emotionally self-sufficient, even with him!

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