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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

271 replies

stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:02

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

OP posts:
Cissyandflora · 15/09/2020 11:11

I’m sorry but I don’t believe the story he’s telling you about the children. It’s BS. I can smell it from here. That’s the main problem you have. You’re young so maybe walk away.

DarkmilkAddict · 15/09/2020 11:12

I really agree with the point about maturity = making sure your own needs are met.

It’s a while mental shift from a life of “I don’t need anyone to look after me, I’m the one who does the looking after”

That’s survival, and impressive in some ways, but it’s not the assertive kind of maturity

Midnightsky1 · 15/09/2020 11:12

Why would your parents tell you 1000% to run? They know him but wouldn’t support you staying with him. How does it look from their point of view?

Ilovechinese · 15/09/2020 11:15

I would leave him now whilst you are still young enough to have children with someone else. I've heard before about men who string women along pretending they want children then the woman gets to old to have them

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/09/2020 11:18

If you were my daughter i'd be reminding you that you are 26 and have plenty of time to meet someone and be each others first priority and have a family of your own.

I know it's hard when you have feeling for someone, but at your age I don't think i'd be taking on 4 children, 2 not much younger than yourself, into a relationship.

MJMG2015 · 15/09/2020 11:18

@stepmummytoomany

I don't think the age gap is wrong or creepy (one of the happiest couples I know has a 13 yr age gap & there are SC involved & small children together)

My issue would be that he kept the twins a secret from you, until it was impossible not to tell you. If he could keep two kids a secret, I just couldn't trust him and that would be why I ended it. Not the kids.

You must not stay for the girls though. As much as they love you, kids that age will 'move on' & accept you're not there any more. I know that's hard to hear, but it's the reality. If you stay 'for them' you're sacrificing your life for 'nothing' because they'll be fine if you leave. I truly don't mean to hurt or upset you, but it is the truth.

I think you're feelings really the twins putting you further down his list at number 5, is quite immature - but then you are young. I appreciate you did a lot for your brother from being young (& well done you), but that doesn't mean in relationship matters you are mature. I do remember being your age & I cringe at some if the things I thought/said/did/believed. But you can't put an old head on young shoulders (good really!) but maybe be a bit open to what people with more life experience are saying. Though I can't say I listened much at the time either 🤣

Take care & do what's right for YOU 🌷

yellowymellowy · 15/09/2020 11:18

You sound lovely OP. Please read the posts and think about them. You will be doing yourself a huge favour. You are young still and could find a much better man, with no baggage and of your own age. Perhaps your early years being forced to be a nanny and housekeeper because of your parents's neglect have clouded your judgement and lowered your self esteem.

tornadoalley · 15/09/2020 11:19

He sounds like a good man wrt his children, but such a complicated set up no wonder you are overwhelmed and feeling last in line. You need to talk to him more and see where you stand. If he is a good decent person and you still love him deeply, you can overcome this

SmileyClare · 15/09/2020 11:20

I think based on your updates, your OH has told you a lot of lies in the 2 years you've been together. Sad

In every scenario; the twins, their mother having to force him legally to pay CSA, the court battle for custody, even the split with his last ex.. your OH has managed to paint himself as the good guy. Suspiciously he has always Done the right thing and if anything he's been the victim in all his versions of what happened Hmm

Original poster
stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 11:21

I was adamant this morning that I could make it through, I could carry on, but after reading everything and taking it all on I really think its best to leave. If I had known all of this from the beginning I wouldnt have even entertained the date let alone the 2 years. As hard as it will be to leave the 2 little ones I cant get passed the lies. And lord knows what else he has been lying about. I think right now I just need space, some time on my own. We have recently got a house together well 5 months ago (so no I do not live in his house) and yes I WFH at such a young age 1) look out your window theres a global pandemic going on 2) I work in central London there is 0 need to be in the office 5 days a week! What I currently work has nothing to do with my OH DCs.

OP posts:
RobertSmithsWig · 15/09/2020 11:21

The two big issues here are: he lied to you and kept the twins a massive secret (but everyone else in your little blended family knew, which must make you wonder surely?), and he has no enthusiasm for more children - he had a vasectomy. He may have one in order to keep you, but is that enough? I posted up thread that I'd been in similar circumstances with an older man. I walked away and 12 months later met my now husband. Same age as me. We had loads of fun and adventures for a few years and were then both really excited to start a family. We've been together 35 years now. Do you really want all this baggage at your age? And are you really going to collude with your DP, continue the lie and keep the twins secret from your family, so they don't think badly of him?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/09/2020 11:22

It's a tired old timeless refrain from young women who get involved with older men who turn out to have far more baggage than expected (unsurprisingly) and not to have been honest about their past or indeed present - "but I'm much more mature than anyone else my age because I've had a difficult childhood!".

Sadly a difficult childhood usually makes people battle weary and often desperate for an escape and a parent role in another/ their own new family where they can make everything right, but also less emotionally mature than someone with a stable childhood and secure childhood attachment...

NYMM · 15/09/2020 11:22

If my DH told me something similar, I know that I wouldn't leave him. I love the man he is today not the 20yr old he was.

Our relationship is solid.
The fact you're asking the question of strangers on here suggests you've already chosen to leave your partner and you want vindication for that decision.

MJMG2015 · 15/09/2020 11:22

@AlternativePerspective

and then when it came to the crunch, walked away without so much as a backward glance

Except that's not what happened. She was in a relationship & raised the twins with him, leading him to believe he was the father. The OP's OH didn't even know about them
until they were 11.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/09/2020 11:24

Sorry cross posted - well done stepmummytoomany for seeing clearly now. Being able to review your situation so objectively and make a decision does sound mature.

averythinline · 15/09/2020 11:26

You are 26 you need to be living your own life .... and too young to write off your future in having your own family.. and definitely not 5th on the list..
I wouldn't be with someone who ignored their children for an easy life...
How long have you been together??
How much parenting are you doing with the younger dc?? How quickly..potentially you are being used here ...no matter what they are not your dc

Your instincts are telling you there is something wrong....trust them

DarkmilkAddict · 15/09/2020 11:29

I think you’re amazing for sticking around and reading all these fairly hard hitting replies OP.

Onwards and upwards!

crosspelican · 15/09/2020 11:32

Run for the hills. You don't need all of his baggage in your life. You are 26 - so very young. Look for someone at a similar life stage who doesn't come burdened with all this, and doesn't waste your time with promises of a vasectomy reversal (because does he REALLY want child number 5? number 6? No he does not.)

You don't have "blended family", there's no "we" have shared custody - if he has you thinking like that a year after meeting them (unless he had you being their "step mummy" just months after meeting you?), he's just found another woman to dump his parental responsibilities onto and that's a red flag, not a plus point for him.

You deserve better than all this, really you do.

Gurtcha · 15/09/2020 11:34

If I had known all of this from the beginning I wouldnt have even entertained the date let alone the 2 years.

He very well knows this OP, that’s why he’s lied to you. You’re effectively in a relationship under false pretences.

NameChange2PostThis · 15/09/2020 11:34

I’m so sorry. I can read how much you love him. I can read how much you’ve loved your family life you’ve made together. But it was all fake. It was all based on lies. You cannot trust him.

Your DP has two children that he decided to keep secret from you. What else has he kept secret?

Please think again.

If you are determined to try to work it out, please get him booked for the vasectomy reversal this year. Because that being successful sounds like a deal breaker. You don’t have to try for kids straight away, just know that it’s possible when you want.

But really, I think it’s all a fantasy. He’s a liar. He doesn’t love you. If he loved you, he would have been honest from the start.

I’m so sorry Flowers

Hadjab · 15/09/2020 11:35

@BewilderedDoughnut

Thank God he got a vasectomy because he’s not top notch at contraception is he?

Don’t have children with him. He’s got enough. Find someone with less baggage!

Neither were the women he slept with. They are responsible for their own sexual health
Bikingbear · 15/09/2020 11:37

Op glad your starting to open your eyes.

I was going to ask what would your parents say about you throwing your life away with a man with 4 kids?

Take yourself back to your mums, and get some breathing space.
There's something not right about the story of the twins. You've been told half truths. Even the bit about blood tests for illness in hospital not matching parents just doesn't sound right. Why would Drs want to test the parents Confused

The bit that is unforgivable is walking out on a 1 and 3 yo. Wtf? Hes walked away from babies twice, he's likely to do it again leaving you holding the baby.

If you want more than one child hes really pushing the boundaries on age, my limit for a baby was 42, to ensure I had them through Uni and the early part of their career before I hit retirement!

mrsBtheparker · 15/09/2020 11:37

I might be old fashioned but I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives.

Harsh, the mother was happy to take his money but didn't want him to be a part of their lives, nasty woman. Had he fought her over this he might have done untold damage to the children. Personally I think that if a woman won't let a father see his children then she has no right to ask for support from him but that'll probably get me put onto the naughty step.

NameChange2PostThis · 15/09/2020 11:38

@stepmummytoomany cross posted with you. Flowers for your update. But it is the right decision. Best of luck.

VinylDetective · 15/09/2020 11:39

If you were my granddaughter - and you could be - I’d be heartbroken to see you embroiled in this mess. Your mid 20s is the time to find yourself a man without baggage and start a family with a clean slate. You say he doesn’t want more children with anyone but you. Actually he doesn’t want more children full stop. Which is a very good thing because he’s not doing a great job with those he already has.

Call it a day. Leave him to his multitude of kids and find yourself a decent man closer to your own age.