To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

Hi OP,

It really sounds like you have PND or post natal anxiety - both co-exist and it is a misconception that people feel sad or low or no energy - in fact anger, resentment, anxiety and stress are all key indicators.

I urge you to see a GP but one who understands PND - there are not many of them. Perhaps you HV can help - they may have been trained in this more than the GP. If you need more advice, please PM me, I don't want to add too much here as I don't know how to name change and don't want to reveal my own specialty.

I always say the first year is just about not getting divorced - that about sums it all up!!

Is your DH taking parental leave? This is why it's so important.

You're right that his life hasn't changed as much as yours. He doesn't understand what it's like to look after a baby day-in, day-out... because he hasn't done it by himself. 3 months of parental leave would sort that out, and keep your careers relatively equal.

At the very least, you can start going out for 1/2 day at weekends and leave him to do the childcare. I started by going to the hairdresser for 2 hours. Arrange to meet friends for a drink, go for a jog in the park, go for a leisure swim, go shopping.... whatever. Just take yourself out for a bit of 'you' time (and yes, even mums need that!) and let your DH cope with the baby. He will cope, and it will do both him and your DD good and give them time to figure each other out.

I hadn't really considered PND, I feel more stressed than I do depressed, but perhaps it's worth making a call to the GP.

Depression doesn’t always manifest as “feeling sad” or what you might expect. You can feel angry and hopeless too.

TBH, on reflection, it’s probably best you don’t try sleep training for now. You need to have a strength of will to do it properly, IME, and it doesn’t sound as though you are there right now.

I know it’s hard to leave your baby but have you considered that actually if you don’t you’re depriving her of 1-1 time with her dad? You said yourself you’re both her parents, so a little time alone with him when you’re off meeting a friend wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. It’ll be good for her and for him. Don’t forget she’s only little once and it’s really precious time for her, for you but also for your husband.

@JinglingHellsBells

At 6 months, you ought to be able to...

Any sentence that starts like this is bloody unhelpful. At 4 months, my baby 'ought to' have been happily playing with their own feet while I did the washing up. Instead she was glued to my arms 24/7 either screaming or boobing. At 10 months, she 'ought to' have been beginning to enjoy crawling about; instead she was up and walking and had to be watched every second so she didn't brain herself on the floor. There is no 'ought to' with a baby. They have their own trajectory.

And OP has already said she struggles to express. Of course her breasts 'ought to' be more co-operative, but sometimes things just aren't the way they 'ought to' be.

Do you have any plans to go back to work ?

The only reason we didn’t split is because my husband is extremely emotionally intelligent in many ways and insisted on talking things through and accepted when he was wrong. He’s better at that than I am, TBH. He accepted he’d been “tin-eared” about my calls for help at the beginning when I was doing lion’s share of bedtimes.

You can get through - but you have to put the work in. I can see why a PP said she didn’t have children because it was too much of a risk - it is a risk and you learn things about yourself you just didn’t realise before.

I always say the first year is just about not getting divorced - that about sums it all up!! smile

I third this statement!

It seems like a vicious circle. You don't want to leave your baby or give her a chance to settle on her own/with her dad. Then you worry that she isn't happy with him. You need to let them develop a bond, just like you have.

@inappropriateraspberry

It seems like a vicious circle. You don't want to leave your baby or give her a chance to settle on her own/with her dad. Then you worry that she isn't happy with him. You need to let them develop a bond, just like you have

It IS a vicious circle, but totally explicable one. The OP is baby's preference for a number of reasons. Some babies are reasonably easy about settling for 'second choice'; others fight it hard, and when you hear your baby shrieking and your partner starting to struggle and you KNOW you can make everything better just by stepping up (again)... it's bloody hard not to. Long term plans and benefits aside, in the moment, you feel selfish and cruel and your heart breaks for your child. Some women are committed enough to getting their 'life back' to ride it out; some are more conflicted and can't do it. It's hard!

Oh yes definitely this 100%!!!

I always say the first year is just about not getting divorced - that about sums it all up!!

OP I have only read your posts.

No don't leave your DH.

This is very much you struggling with become a Mum and the massive shift it's had and jealousy that DH's hasn't.

You have never had time apart from your baby no wonder she won't settle for him. That will change over time and it is something you can decide to try and change now or accept and go with the flow.

You talk about your guilt about going out without her - that isn't your DH fault.

You may be happier returning to work and getting to be you, but would you then feel guilt at using childcare?

You could used shared parental leave so DH has his time looking after her.

Definitely discuss PND with the GP as you do sound depressed.

DD is weaning so soon she can be left without being hungry however only you can stop yourself feeling guilty.

It's Baby Shock! Lockdown and the lack of baby groups etc is likely to have made it even harder.

Be kind to yourself and talk openly and honestly with your DH about how angry and resentful you feel at being stuck responsible 100% of the time for DD. That isn't a criticism of him but just how hard your feelings are to manage and cope with.

And again bf makes a difference here. A dad with a nice warm bottle of milk is going to crack a baby's resistance much sooner than a dad without. Babies are primal, the associate a bf mum with safety because she is their source of nourishment. If she's not there, and doesn't come when summoned, it's bloody scary, whether they are hungry in that actually moment or not.

@VeniceQueen2004 I won't quote because it was long, but just to say your post is fantastic.

Your attitude towards your oh is passive aggressive, not so different to the way Jen become verbally abusive through anger directed at their partner when it's actually themselves they're angry with.

Your baby has you trained to react and not let her dad help.
You don't have to do this.
You just need to get daddy to take her to be and put her down.
Having DH hold your hand while baby learns to settle herself , helps more than you realise.
You could also try bottle feeding formula, you have given her the best start, now you need time away to also be a good mum.

@mummmy2017

Your baby has you trained to react and not let her dad help.

Just to reassure you OP, your baby is not an evil genius manipulating you with a view to busting up your marriage and keeping you all to herself. She's just a baby.

Yep. I didn't understand really what feminism meant until I had a kid. You realise what a huge stitch up patriarchy is

You can’t blame it on patriarchy. Biology is fairly and squarely to blame. Until men carry and breastfeed babies, this is how it is.

A new baby is a massive shell shock, OP. It throws your entire world into turmoil. Cut yourself and your bloke some slack.

OP I mean this in the kindest possible way, and this is totally normal.

You resent your DH for his life having not changed, but you also think that she needs her mummy to settle her, you feel guilty as a mum leaving your baby. Her daddy could settle her too - you say she "won't settle for him" but have you actually tried, with you out of the house?

You are blaming him for how your baby has affected your life rather than his, but that is not his fault. He is doing his fair share around the house and it sounds like it's you that's not letting him step up with baby rather than his choice.

Are you planning to go back to work? I think it would do you good.

I think you should speak to the GP or consider counselling. You might have PND. You might be having a bit of an identity crisis between pre-baby you and being a mother. It's always a difficult adjustment but if you've never really unpacked your views about motherhood, leaving babies with their dad, etc, then you're going to be sinking into a guilt-laden martyrdom that doesn't help anyone. All of this is normal but it is hard. Be kind to yourself. Carve out space for yourself.
Posters are jumping on the sleep issue because lack of sleep has a massive impact on everything. You can't see it when you're in the middle of it.

Yes, you need to leave him. Then get on with doing all the home and baby care on your own.

Get a grip and stop comparing your levels of tiredness. It's crap with a new baby, everyone knows that. They also know it gets better and try to work as a team until it does.

I had completely the same thoughts when my children were babies. You're in call 24 hrs a day, never switching off. Unlike husband at work who can take a break, have adult conversation etc.
Your husband does sound very helpful OP, and I hope as you're baby gets older you will find a better balance.
I do really think you need to try and get baby self settling though, then you can have an evening as an adult, not just a mum. It makes such a difference to be able to sit down and just watch tv together, have a chat etc.

I admit to not having read through the entire thread but it does seem to me that your husband couldn't really be doing more to support you. Having a first child is a massive culture shock. It's all down to expectations; I know people who naively thought it wouldn't change things but of course it does. Priorities are different and parents can't always put themselves first as they may have been used to doing. I remember those days well when I envied my husband going off to work whilst for me it was a complete mission just to walk to the post box and post a letter. Do you have supportive family/friends? Postnatal group? In my experience things do get easier but do check with your doctor re PND. Very best of luck with everything

Yep. I didn't understand really what feminism meant until I had a kid. You realise what a huge stitch up patriarchy is

You can’t blame it on patriarchy. Biology is fairly and squarely to blame. Until men carry and breastfeed babies, this is how it is.

To be fair, when it comes to not being able to hand over your 6mo baby for an hour or so, then I don't think you can blame biology either Have you ever watched a flock of monkeys? They pass babies around, they help out with the care, mothers go off to have a break. In some monkey species, fathers spend as much time carrying their little ones around as mothers do.

In many human societies, it is also normal to have babies passed around the extended family, minded by cousins and aunties and grandmothers so the mother doesn't wear herself into the ground.

In this case, the father is the extended family. And if he hasn't borne a child himself, then neither have many of the cousins and aunties and older siblings minding children in other societies. They learn on the job and everybody benefits.