To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

@Quartz2208

Where you trying for awhile OP?

We conceived a few months after my contraceptive implant was removed.

I know we were very fortunate.

I have a friend that has been trying for years so I know I shouldn't really be complaining about changes to my life.

The question in your thread title is about whether you should leave you OH. The answer is NO, not if you care about your child.

You are struggling with the early stages of parenthood - it is hard; it does change relationships; and we have to weather it together with our partners.

Your OH goes out to work each day and comes home and cooks a meal - and does so much else. Comes and lies with you whilst you are struggling to get baby to sleep. "He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep"

And you are grumbling about him not pulling his weight?! Seriously, you do not know how lucky you are. I know you do not want to hear that; but your posts make that clear.

You may have distorted perceptions by being tired; or having PND. If it is the latter you need to seek help, which is out there. Being depressed can cause people to have negative perceptions, even of positive things. For instance, you perceive his help with the baby as accumulating things that he can throw back at you, rather than seeing it as a genuine attempt to share the responsibilities. I am not surprised he "throws them back at you" if you are grumbling at him for not doing enough - what else can he say?

It seems that you have both made the choice for him to work while you stay at home at the moment. It is inevitable that the bulk of the baby care will come your way - and that the baby will be more used to you doing things than him - e.g. settling her to sleep. This is not a matter for blame or a stick to beat your OH with - it is simply a fact, and he cannot be blamed for that.

This wee baby is very very new to the world - she is groping about trying to make sense of it all - she has only existed for 6 months - the world is a strange place. Inevitably she will cling to the person who is with her the most; and the other parent will face bigger challenges in finding his place in her life and her understanding.

It really does sound as if he is doing his best - and no doubt feeling that none of it is appreciated.

Rather than looking at ways out - e.g. sending to nursery/going to work P/T and then having to deal with all the adaptation that this involved for everyone, not least the baby - maybe you could "reframe" what is going on at home.

You are tired - inevitably. He is tired - inevitably. You are both trying to adapt to something hugely life-changing. You both have a new job here that is all-consuming, day and night, hard work, and requires a rebalancing of your relationship. But that will not happen successfully unless the blame game stops. Neither of you are to blame for the situation - it is quite simply life. Life with all its challenges and struggles.

Here is a suggestion: find two minutes each day (even if when on the toilet) to write down the good things that have happened that day: you had a nice walk with baby; OH cooked a lovely tea; baby passed a milestone; baby experienced something new; baby smiled; you got a rest while OH looked after baby at the weekend etc. These moments are truly precious - I know this as mine have now flown the nest - cherish them. I am not in the least suggesting this is easy when you are both so tired; but these precious times will be tainted in your memory by misplaced bitterness.

You are tired - I hear this - I really do - all new mums are tired, it goes with the territory. But do not let it destroy your relationship - what will that gain for anyone?

If you were saying that your OH lounged about drinking beer and doing online gambling on his phone, whilst doing nothing to help with the baby, you would have all my sympathy and I would be saying that he needed a kick up the pants. But this is not the situation - I am still sympathetic to your exhaustion and frustration, but I think you are compounding it all by blaming your OH.

When I had my first baby, I was wheeling her through town in her pram when an old lady came up to me and admired the baby. She touched me on the arm and said: "Enjoy - these will be the best times of your life." I was not sure that, in my exhausted state, I was ready to hear that - but she was right. I know that now.

Take care. I hope you get through this sticky patch - we have all been there. x

It's more the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be going out to meet a friend when I've got a baby to look after.

I know that's my own personal thought and no one else's, but the guilt eats away at me!

So you want to divorce your DH because you can't leave the baby alone even though you acknowledge it is YOUR issue. And if you divorce him and he asks for 50/50 custody, you will have to be away from your baby a lot.

Can you see how crazy that is? OP, your issue is not your DH. Your issue is you. YOU need to work on finding a way to have more realistic responses. I really do think you need some help with your MH.

I couldn't express milk either OP, however hard I tried.

You definitely need to go out without DD. Your DH has no idea what it feels like to have never gone out without her! Formula? Or solids?

Our DC always picks me for bedtime if she has a choice and always has. She adores her dad but that's just what she wants at bedtime. She will settle with him, though, and that's because I have spent more than a few miserable evenings desperately wanting to go back up and grab her but knowing that she will not settle if I'm there. My husband would send me out and he was right to do it because if I was there she just held her arms out to me.

It's REALLY hard. It's not just you. We want totally contradictory things - we want to be with them all the time and we also really want and need time when we're not. But you need him to be able to take the baby so that you can be yourself for a while!

OP i think you need to see your GP or a therapist, it sounds like you have PND or some serious anxiety going on.

Your DP has done nothing wrong, and you blaming how you feel on him is not connected to reality, or healthy. If you do leave him, you will quickly realise he was not the problem, and life will be a lot more difficult as a single mother.

You say you resent him because you don’t have a life, then you actively sabotage any area where you can have a life—you can’t leave the baby alone, you refuse to sleep train, you sound like you refuse the accept babysitting, you actively choose to not spend time with your OH in the evening. YOU are doing these behaviours and making a difficult situation worse, you need to get some insight and help rather than blaming him.

It sounds like you’re making yourself ill with the stress of being an overly precious parent, you need to get medical help. Maybe try rereading your posts, you might see how irrational you are coming across?

Speak to your GP! You’re both doing great

I know we were very fortunate.

I have a friend that has been trying for years so I know I shouldn't really be complaining about changes to my life.

Ah then this is the crux of it. You feel guilty that it happened easily when others are struggling and because of that you feel you should be with her all the time.

Motherhood isnt about that though. She doesnt need you with her all the time (indeed you leaving her to help her bond with her father is a good thing).

Sounds like you are really struggling OP and I hope you stay with this thread to help get you through.

As everyone says, a baby changes your life and as you are finding out, not always for the best.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up about things - like not leaving the baby to go out. Your baby is six months now but breastfed so that does make it more tricky but if you have some sort of routine, is there an hour in the day when you could leave her with your husband at the weekend to get out by yourself? By now she shouldn't need feeding so frequently.

Regarding sleep that is the age old problem and I think it might be helpful for you and your husband to recognise that babies are tricky and often won't settle for the non-breastfeeding partner. It's the way it is and if you can accept this temporary state of affairs it will help both of you. It won't be forever. ONce you stop breastfeeding you can try different ways of making sure your husband can settle her. That is imperative.

Lastly, I laughed when you said other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend I mean what else you expect him to do??!!

I think it would really help you to concentrate of ways for your husband to have the baby at the weekend, if only in the day time for the time being.

Hang on in there!

I always say the first year is just about not getting divorced. Don't think about anything long term or dramatic. Think about something small that could improve things now and talk to him about that without judgement or criticism. Can he take the baby out in a sling for her nap at weekends, to give you a break? Maybe you need to take the hit on him putting her to bed for a week so she gets used to him?

This is life with a small baby. It’s hard. Endure this because tbh it does sound like he’s pulling his weight. Life will get easier. This is what for better or for a worse means.

Sorry another vote for this being 'normal experience with a new baby'
I was really angry and resentful of my partner at times too when we had a newborn, and in retrospect he really was doing the best he could! I am sure he thought about leaving me too at times

Sleep deprivation does crazy things to us all.

Stick it out, things will get better (especially if you look into ways to help baby to sleep - we managed without crying it out - involved lots of positive sleep associations but did take slightly longer admittedly).

Next time round we both know to be prepared for the hell that is parenting a newborn, plus aware that we will have a toddler along and it will be a bumpy ride!!! But it doesn't last forever.

I knew my life would change. I think I'm just struggling with the accepting that it seems to be more mine than his

Reading this really reminded me of the last episode of Michelle Obama's podcast.

She says:

You’ve got to know that there are going to be times, long periods of time, when you can’t stand each other... I said it, you know, on the book tour, as a joke.
There were times that I wanted to push Barack out of the window, right. And I say that, because it’s like you’ve got to know the feelings will be intense. But that doesn’t mean you quit. And these periods can last a long time. They can last years.”

Michelle and Barack are famous for their strong marriage. And even she admits she felt like pushing him out of the window FOR YEARS!

And on the baby stage:

“I had to be there, and I had to go, and it was my body, and my husband was still sort of boppin’ around, living his life... the resentment starts to build up, or it started to, it’s like well, what happened to the unit, what happened to my best friend? What happened to my buddy, who’s, at the gym? It’s like, how the hell are you at the gym? You know, dude... I’ve got cabbage on my breast.”

A colleague used to describe having a baby as like a bomb going off in your relationship. In fact the way she talked about her child made it sound as if she actively disliked being a parent so we were all mystified when she turned up v excited to be pregnant again. It's bloody hard on a relationship.

I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP.

Like others, I suspect you may have post-natal depression. Make an appointment with your GP, and take it from there.

Take care of yourself, and try not to feel guilty about taking time away from your baby to meet up with a friend.

You have a 6 month old baby! It's a real shock to the system, it's exhausting and tempers fray when you're sleep deprived.

Honestly things do get better.

You really need to try and prioritise some time for you as a couple.

Oh OP, completely normal and just another one to say I was there too. I feel like I'm back there again now if I'm honest. I'm still on furlough and DH was only off for 6 weeks from the start of lockdown. One of our children is ASD who hates leaving the house and the other is just about to start school. He will come home and moan about how busy he is etc and how tough his day has been and I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do. If I say about him doing something I get "But you're the one who's home all day". It makes me really angry, irritated and irrational because he doesn't have to be the one dealing with meltdowns and trying to get things done around the house, cook dinner etc. I'm hoping that now one is at school and the other starts next week, the fact I can have some time each day to just sit and drink a hot cup of coffee will make me feel better. In the meantime for you. Hang in there it will get better.

I have found this thread to be interesting, I myself feel very similar to you and the suggestions of PND have taken me by surprise as I don’t feel depressed however I do hold a lot of resentment towards my DP. So I totally understand how you’re feeling although your DP does far more than mine does. I do all of the housework and laundry, cook the majority of the time and often do the washing up / clearing up afterwards. DP works and we share bath time, like your DD, DS is breastfed and will not settle for sleep with DP. So I end up feeding him to sleep but I do not stay with him once he’s asleep. It does sometimes feel likes it’s all on me, which it is and then I think we’ll I’ve brought it on myself by breastfeeding which makes me feel guilty.

He is a good dad to our little boy most of the time although can often lack patience and is happy to sit on his phone etc instead of actively playing with him. One thing I resent the most is that I am the parent who is always thinking / planning ahead or organising stuff. I carry the mental load and when we’re both there DP will ask stupid questions or expect me to do everything / know everything. But when I’m not around DP is more than capable of coping and just gets on with it which frustrates me even more as it shows he can do it but takes the easy option most of the time!

DS is now 9 months old and I’ve left him several times with DP to go shopping and meet up with a friend. Needing a baby break is not bad, especially when you’re doing the majority of the baby work because it is hard going! I love DS more than anything but some days are tough.

Is your DP good at talking through issues? Mine isn’t, therefore we don’t communicate how each other is feeling so more resentment builds there.

Do you go to bed at 8pm because you want to?
I breastfed both of mine and I didn't take them to bed until I wanted to go up myself.
If you want to stay downstairs longer then you could keep baby down with you. She doesn't have to go to bed at a certain time unless you want her to.

And ignore all the sleep training suggestions, if you don't want to do it then fine.
I think you've had a baby at an unprecedented time with covid etc. You're a good mum and you have a good dh.
You will get through this but you must be kind to each other.

Your man is being a good dad it’s just kids are incredibly hard work. Try and get some decent child free time together to talk, be romantic, dress up and date.

Try and leave your baby to sleep alone, not having that time to cuddle , talk and have sex will make you into housemates not partners. Maybe your husband is angry about this and starting arguments.

Good luck, 14 years is a long time and good dads are hero’s, don’t split up when your problems sound solvable.

What time does your baby sleep in the day? Next weekend plan a coffee at that time with a friend, leave DD at home? Your baby isn’t breastfeeding 24/7 and eats solids. Try slipping in a formula feed now and then?

Stop with going to bed with your baby at 8, settle her then go back to the living room? Otherwise you will still be doing that in 5 years.

Re your original question, no you should t leave your DH, you would be in a much, much worse position. I genuinely feel a bit sorry for him, he is spinning more plates than you right now.

It sounds like you are having a tough time OP - I too struggled to adjust to being a stay at home mum when my DD was tiny after having worked all my life up to that point. As much as you adore your baby your world can seem suddenly quite small and lonely and repetitive.

However, having read your posts I'm struggling to see what you DH has done wrong, he sounds like a good man, much better than many. I understand the paranoia that you feel you have to justify what you have been doing all day because you aren't out at work, I felt the same sometimes, but it's likely your own self doubts talking there and you are projecting them on to you DH. I found a lot of my self self esteem was tied up with working, being part of a team, using my skills, earning money etc then suddenly - as much as I loved and cherished my baby - you feel a bit like a feeding, nappy changing machine and your confidence gradually plummets, so you feel like you have to justify how you are spending your time because it's your own feelings of self worth that are confused. It seems like you are full of resentment that he still gets to go out to work and have a life outside the home - that's not his fault, he has to do that or how would you all survive? But maybe you need to change the balance and go back to work part time yourself if it is affecting you that much - in fact I think it would do you all good, if it is possible for you to do that?

Also, if your baby fusses for you while she is with your DH I would just let him get on with it so he can build a stronger bond with her, she may stop fussing eventually if you take a little step back and she gets used to being with him more? It might also give you some breathing space.

I don't think you should leave your DH, it seems as though it's the balance of your time that is the problem here and not him.

Oh OP, I've been you!!!

It's such a conflict. On the one hand there's this overriding NEED to be there for and do everything you can for your baby. Doing less or stepping back isn't the relief everyone says it will be, it induces horrible anxiety and guilt. I was 'the one' for my baby (also bf, think it makes a difference not a lot of posters understand because they didn't) and when I tried to 'let her and DP work it out' Hearing her shriek with increasing terror that I didn't come to her was just insufferable. So I wouldn't let him try. But then at 2 (and 3, and 4) in the morning I'd feel so so furious that it was always, always me. It wasn't fair, but it was totally understandable.

Same with the going out. I actually felt like people never stopped trying to FORCE me to leave my baby. Go out, see friends, get your life back, she'll be fine! But I wouldn't be fine. She had grown in me, we had been together pretty much every hour of every day for months, I felt wrong when she wasn't there. But that didn't mean I wasn't also desperate for some me time! It's a paradox of the dyad. It's hard to square the circle.

And yes the feeling this incredible primal relationship has turned you into a totally different person, one you don't always recognise, while your partner remains ineluctably themselves (albeit a version of themselves who is working a lot harder than before, cooking, cleaning, working ft, doing bathtimes) seems... bizarre. Wrong somehow. It's the emotional shift. The fact their INSTINCTS haven't changed like your have, whatever their behaviour may be (and for the record it sounds like your DH is doing about as much as any dad of a breastfed baby who works outside the home can do - which is not to invalidate your feelings as such, because your load is also huge!). I started seeing my partner as hideously SELFISH because he still clearly felt his wishes were a priority, whereas mine were fully subordinated to meeting the baby's needs (because mine just couldn't get a look in until hers were sorted). That his world hadn't spun on a pivot like mine had with her suddenly the very centre seemed wicked to me.

3.5 years later, and having finished bf a year or so ago, I can see I was perhaps a little bit in it . The hormones of bf, the lack of sleep, the constantness of early motherhood.... they did things to me that all the extra housework and bathtimes in the world just didn't do to my DP. Looking back, I see that his life also changed enormously, and he didn't have that incredible hormone wash to make the crazy new world make a sort of mindless sense I still think he was a bit of a dick about a few things, and not always supportive of my mothering; but that's because he wanted a bit of ME back, and while I was right in the throes there just wasn't any spare.

It is a bit like falling in love, the new baby phase - and I mean that not in the hearts and flowers sense but in the utter, all-consuming, emotional rollercoaster passion of it. Who hasn't sometimes been in love and cried their eyes out wishing they weren't? So the mum is doing that madness, while the dad sort of stands by wondering what the hell happened to the woman he loved so much he wanted to have a baby with her. Dads can either step up to that challenge and join you in the madness (as it sounds like your DH is) or they can become angry, selfish and disengaged (and lots of them bog off and have affairs because their 'needs' aren't being met in the way they have come to feel entitled to anymore).

Basically, you're normal. I don't think you have PND (but by all means explore this); I think you are having a perfectly normal reaction to your life turning upside down.

Try to be kind to yourself. Don't push yourself to be a 'cool mum' who isn't overly bothered about your baby if that's not you; equally if you're desperate for relief but feel like other people's opinions/unrealistic standards are behind your feelings of guilt about this, fuck that.

Do what you need to do to feel right with yourself. If that means lying beside your baby as she sleeps, do that. If that means letting her scream it out in your DH's loving arms while you go to the pub for an hour or two with a friend, do that - she will be OK, she will still love you and trust you.

Try to remember you and your DH are on the same team. Baby isn't between you, or she shouldn't be - she is your joint project, you both have different things to contribute but you are both in it together. Your resentment is normal, but if he really is doing everything DD allows him to do at the moment, and there's nothing you are ASKING him for he is refusing to do, he's doing his best. The balance WILL shift as time goes on.

And a lot of the things you worry about you acknowledge are just projections: him resenting doing the extra housework, him judging you for not doing enough. He hasn't verbalised these thoughts; they are your thoughts, your own anxieties, and because you don't like feeling like that about yourself you're projecting them onto him. For me, i got worried I was boring because I couldn't focus to read a book or talk about much that wasn't baby for about a year (no sleep!). So I was furious that he found me boring, when he never said anything of the sort. It's the brain's way of protecting itself from those uncomfortable thoughts.

Anyway I've blathered for ages now. But TLDR; you're totally normal. Your DH sounds like a decent egg, but if he's not doing what you need, talk to him about what that is. Your baby will grow up, sleep and wean in less time than you think. And one day she'll turn around and say "don't want mummy, want daddy!", or you'll catch them totally engrossed in a game you have no part in, and with a massive sigh of relief you will reclaim a bit of your life for yourself

You'll be OK OP! And so will your marriage. Keep talking.

What you are experiencing is 100% normal.

I was asleep on my feet with a 6 month old baby as they woke every 2-3 hours for feeds since they were born.

Unlike you, my DH was out 12 hours a day and I had to do everything.

You are really lucky! I don't think you appreciate how lucky you are to have a DH doing all of that!

I think you might come over a times in your posts as a bit of a martyr.

It's more the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be going out to meet a friend when I've got a baby to look after.

what is there to feel guilty about? In your next sentence you are saying your child has 2 parents. Well yes, so use your DH to get time for you.

On the one hand you say you could meet friends, and your baby could learn to settle with your DH, but you choose not to facilitate that.

I assume your DH earns enough so you can stay at home - so he is doing his bit in every way. Give him a break!

At 6 months, you ought to be able to leave your baby with someone and leave milk if that's needed, so you can go out and have a few hours on your own or as a couple.

My hubby’s job took him away for nights at a time and I was on my own, no family. I just had to get on with it.
Try to remember that there’s always someone worse off then yourself, and it will get better.

Big hug OP. I found it really helpful to remember that everything about parenting a baby is just a phase. It feels like nothing will ever change but it always does. Change is the one thing that is guaranteed!

I admire you for knowing how you want to parent your little girl and sticking to it. At the same time it sounds like something needs to give because you are pretty miserable and that’s no good for your marriage or your daughter.

I think change is imminent though at six months because you’ll have just started or be about to start solids. You can give her boob then head out the door letting her daddy give her food and a sippy cup an hour later. You know she won’t be going hungry and you’ll be giving her and your husband the space to bond.

I think he is doing a lot and pulling his weight. Obviously he does not do as much with DD as you because he goes to work. It is not his fault that DD settles more easily with you, you are her primary caregiver, presumably by choice.

It is unfair to be angry at him for having adult conversations during the day, that is what happens at work. Did you discuss the possibility of sharing the parental leave and would this be something you would like?

Nothing you have said has made me think for a second that you should leave him, he sounds like a good man. I would think if anything, splitting up would only exacerbate the frustration you are feeling now. I would not make any hasty decisions, you have been together for 14 years and are still adjusting to a new life.