To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

OP i've changed username to reply because some details could be outing BUT i don't think you've had a heap of helpful advice on this thread, i really don't - i don't think a lot of MN know what it's like to be in a childless relationship that's solid as a rock then for a baby to come along - i don't think it's the "norm" - you should completely ignore anyone saying "well you should be able to to X by now" - bugger off - sorry all BUT:

My DH and I were together for 20 years (yes, 20) before we had DC. Before DC, we were both extremely strong - rarely argued, and even then it was silly things, not fundamental stuff - we have a 100% aligned view on gender equality, housework (he's cleaner than me maybe), money, work, parenting decisions, etc. i would regularly look at him and think how wonderful he was, better than i was if i was in his position (working long hours, etc).

HOWEVER, having a baby completely, utterly changed my view.

He went from being the person i loved most in the world to being a source of additional stress, me thinking he was being stupid for not predicting what we needed, and so on.

Honestly, it was a massive massive transformation.

The fact was, now we're 2 years down the line:

1. i was struggling to cope as a new mum, yes baby "should" have been entertained and fairly easy to manage after a few weeks, but i spent most days super high on adrelelin, in flight or fight mode, heart pacing, really NOT coping. i have since learned, through interactions with other mums and babies (because i don't have much experience)... my first DC is incredibly "high needs". i'd never learned that phrase before. but i have tried to hand baby over to friends and relatives (who SHOULD be coping) as a newborn, baby and now toddler.. they don’t cope!

My relative primary school teacher handed baby back after an hour.
My mum, raised many many kids, including other family members, couldn’t get baby to stop screaming for hours – and this was way before separation anxiety kicked in, as a newborn.
Even the midwives repeatedly made comments in hospital and out e.g. when taking a bath, “babies usually LOVE baths” but mine screamed screamed screamed.
It was SO stressful.
And I didn’t cope, but then actually now I look back it was just plain old hard.

2. things have got much better as baby has got “easier” – logistically, easier in terms of being weaned so less faff about feeding. Feeding doesn’t take hours and hours and hours out of every day. When it’s easier practically, it will get easier mentally.

3. Going back to work saved my sanity. And DH is doing more caring hours of DC than me at the moment, and sometimes struggling. So it’s another piece of data that suggests it wasn’t just me being shit, I have a hard baby! But we love her and I love him more for trying, day after day after day when the slog has been hard all week.

You WILL get back to being a good team together, I’m sure of it. 14 years is a LONG time, and think of this as a BLIP. This time next year you will look at your husband with the same old eyes, not this tired, scared, stressed version of yourself which will fade over time…

If I had read my comments above this time last year what I describe would have felt a long way off.. but trust me, it WILL get better, if you’ve stuck together for 14 years you need to give it time, heal physically from the birth (I had an horrific time on that bit), get a bit more independence back once baby gets a bit bigger, maybe go back to work… and every day try and remember the nice things that you like about your partner.

Priorities are different and parents can't always put themselves first as they may have been used to doing.

This is absolutely true. It’s going to sound insane, because of course one must practise selflessness to parent well - but I was not prepared for the extent to, and the many and varied ways in, which my wants and needs would have to take a back seat!

It sounds to me OP like a lot of the things you’re struggling with wouldn’t be solved by leaving your husband. If he’s pulling his weight around the house, you won’t find it easier looking after your baby as a single parent. And if you won’t socialise without your baby because of your feelings of guilt about it, it won’t be better when he isn’t on the scene (and you will have new guilt about not living with your daughter full time, most likely).

I think it’s totally understandable that you feel your life has changed completely, but I think your husband is a scapegoat for those feelings rather than the cause of them.

But there may be practical steps you can take. Would you consider returning to work? Either using a childminder or having your husband use parental leave or work part time so he can care for your baby? That would help redress the balance of you being primary carer, and it would give you time out of the home to be yourself and have an identity separate from motherhood.

@corythatwas

Yep. I didn't understand really what feminism meant until I had a kid. You realise what a huge stitch up patriarchy is

You can’t blame it on patriarchy. Biology is fairly and squarely to blame. Until men carry and breastfeed babies, this is how it is.

To be fair, when it comes to not being able to hand over your 6mo baby for an hour or so, then I don't think you can blame biology either Have you ever watched a flock of monkeys? They pass babies around, they help out with the care, mothers go off to have a break. In some monkey species, fathers spend as much time carrying their little ones around as mothers do.

In many human societies, it is also normal to have babies passed around the extended family, minded by cousins and aunties and grandmothers so the mother doesn't wear herself into the ground.

In this case, the father is the extended family. And if he hasn't borne a child himself, then neither have many of the cousins and aunties and older siblings minding children in other societies. They learn on the job and everybody benefits.

You’re absolutely right. Those are very wise words. It’s still not the fault of patriarchy, though. It’s to blame for many things but this isn’t one of them!

No, for once VinylDetective

Most of having young children is sheer, unadulterated drudgery. I agree with the majority of PP that the set up you have with your DH is pretty good, and that sleep deprivation, hormones, shock, and PND may well be the causes of the issues here.

You also need to learn to hand over the reins and let your DH settle the baby, perhaps whilst you make dinner for a change of focus. Again, you don't need to go to sleep at night when the baby does. It sounds to me like your DH is missing you a lot (lying down next to you says a lot). Try to schedule in 1-2 nights a week where you spend time doing something nice together, even just watching TV as going out on dates is tricky at the moment. Over the months it will get easier, and then having scheduled weekly date nights can help you to properly reconnect.

Agree with PPs on looking at returning to work, or sharing parental leave. Many women hate being at home with the baby all day on mat leave, and there's nothing wrong with that. You are still in the very early stages of having a young baby. Don't make any drastic decisions.

Ranunculi Your situation sounds truly awful. You want to go back to work, so how can you make that happen?
I had planned to retrain and had put DC on the waiting list for nursery to start this year. Unfortunately the nursery has now closed down due to Covid, and other nurseries are saying they’re full, we’d have to go to the bottom of the waiting list and it’s likely to be at least a year before they have a space. Also DH has had his pay cut to 80% because his company is struggling, so we can’t afford childcare anyway. My plans have just been snatched away. Covid has put a lot of women in this situation.

Your husband is an utter entitled misogynistic arse
To be fair he’s trying his best. I know it’s not his fault that my body was ruined and his wasn’t. He’s offered to save up for plastic surgery so I can have the damage fixed. It’s not his fault that he has a job and I don’t, in fact we rely on his job. It’s not his fault that DC clings to me. The fact that my plans to get back to work were snatched away by Covid is certainly not his fault. He could be nicer but I suppose he’s miserable too. The fact is, parenting is just plain awful so we’re both unhappy and lashing out.

Imo parenting worked better back in the days when people didn’t have hobbies or expectations of nights out, career achievements and personal fulfilment. Previous generations had little to lose by being stuck at home. Nowadays people have full lives and ambitions, and are understandably upset when childcare snatches that away.

The fact is, parenting is just plain awful so we’re both unhappy and lashing out.

This is very true - so much of parenting very small children is really unrewarding, exhausting drudgery. More people should come out and say it. Doesn’t mean you love your kid less if you do say it; it is just a fact.

I remember looking for 2 bedroom flats for me and DS when he was about 4 months old! And now I don't know why

And I was still in the middle of PND and PNA although through the worst of it.

I think it is 'normal' but it doesn't make it any easier

OP, I know tone doesn’t come across online so please know that this is said with kindness.

What more do you expect him to do?
Can you make a list so that we can understand what gaps you see? From the outside looking in, it looks like he does a lot but you’re obviously not feeling that that is the case.

Obviously, if you wish to leave your marriage, that’s up to you. However, it sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of mummy guilt. Having your baby spend 50% of her time living away from you, potentially with a step-mum and step-siblings at some stage will do nothing to alleviate that.

@Ranunculi

You're making a lot of excuses for your husband. The way he treats you is not an inevitable consequence of parenthood. Plenty of couples face adversity and the rigours of new parenthood and manage to be good to each other at least most of the time. And however bad your own relationship might get, the fact he takes out his anger on your little boy just makes him a straight up arsehole.

Have a look at what your financial situation would be if you left him. Consider the fact he'd need to pay maintenance, any tax breaks, benefits, proceeds of any shared assets. As a single woman at least you could apply for Universal credit, whereas livin with him I imagine you're not eligible - resulting in all the family money being 'his' (this is also abusive btw).

It might not be a glamorous life; but it doesn't sound like your current situation is so much better financially that it warrants the total misery you are feeling.

Do you have any friends and family you can reach out to? x

A lot of what you wrote in your OP, and in following posts, sounds familiar. I had a huge amount of resentment towards my DH in the first year. In retrospect he did a lot for us, although he did like to make sure it was recognised which really irritated me. And he looked particularly smug when other people said how lucky I was . I didn't feel lucky!

I look back and realise that I was struggling with resentment towards my baby for the lack of sleep, the silent reflux, impact on my body, my career, my whole life - but I couldn't be angry at my baby so I transferred the resentment to DH. It was obviously more complex than that (PND) but once things calmed down on the sleep front we managed to get through it. And then we had another DC .

I just want to send you a hug. I felt exactly the same way when my first two were little. They are now 8 and 10 and we’ve just gone back for a third and we’re totally in love after 14 years together.
It’s AWFUL and a huge shock and isolating and depressing. But it gets so much better. And get a video monitor, a good one and cuddle your husband in the evenings with it beside you! Even if it’s a cuddle and Netflix in your pyjamas. It helps! Good luck, I hope you feel better. It will get better, it’s a HUGE adjustment. 9 pages of people who can relate to you!

@Piglet89

This is very true - so much of parenting very small children is really unrewarding, exhausting drudgery. More people should come out and say it. Doesn’t mean you love your kid less if you do say it; it is just a fact.

I agree this view should get more air time.

I never felt this way, even in the doldrums of no sleep and constant work - I found motherhood bloody hard but totally engaging right from the off - but I know my DP did and it shocked him how much he hated it.

I know he felt like he wished he could go back and undo it. It was one of the reasons we fell out so badly, because I couldn't forgive him for feeling that way about our daughter. I can now because I can see how much he loves her.

But I feel a lot of people have kids because 'that's what you do', rather than because they really need and want that experience. It would be better if people gave it a lot more thought.

Oooh, i understand the resentment about your husband getting to go out to work, not being constantly encumbered, getting coffee breaks etc. I really do. I think most people go through this when their babies are small. Its often the forst time that you really feel unequal in your relationship.

It isnt your husbands fault though - he really seems like he's doing everything he should be.

Are you planning to return to work soon? It sounds like you could do eoth a bit of a change!

I notice you say you feel judged and like you have to explain what you've been doung all day. I felt like this too until I read a book called 'what mothers do, even when it looks like nothing'. I highly recommend giving it a read of your self worth is taking a hit right now.

People are too quick to play the PND card.

Much of the time it's just a deep grief for the life they had before.

I'm afraid that having a baby can impact a relationship hugely. It can make you or break you. Of course you resent him for having more of a normal life than you do. You won't be the first or last! Lockdown probably hasn't helped either. People give up on marriages to easily these days. Just talk to one another. Communication is key!

@BewilderedDoughnut

People are too quick to play the PND card.

Much of the time it's just a deep grief for the life they had before.

Exactly this...

14years living just the two if you then bang!! Your whole world changes. Who ever said it was easy, lied!

It's more the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be going out to meet a friend when I've got a baby to look after get used to it OP, guilt is the mother's curse. I didn't need to return to work, but did much sooner than I planned as I hated being stuck at home. I also employed a cleaner which was a life changer.

But I feel a lot of people have kids because 'that's what you do', rather than because they really need and want that experience. It would be better if people gave it a lot more thought.

Absolutely bang on. It is “what people do” and the balance of the decision should be the opposite really; only do it if you’re absolutely as sure as you can be that it’s for you.

Of course, there are so many curve balls because - shock horror - babies are little individuals! But still, I had never spent a prolonged period with a little baby before. I’m an only child myself, so no little siblings or whatever to care for. It was such a shock to the system. I think I’m an OK mum but definitely saw some ugly sides to myself when my son was small. I just try to do my best and not he too hard on myself and that’s all any of us can do really. That and save up for the therapy later.

I also wanted to say: I don’t and wouldn’t sleep train my baby. I feed to sleep and cuddle to sleep. I had a beside the bed bassinet. I settled my baby and popped that monitor on and raced downstairs to have a glass of wine or a cup of tea with my husband. Sometimes we only got 45 mins until she needed me again. But it was SOMETHING. She was ok, I could see and hear her the entire time. I relate to how hard it is to leave them but it’s so important.

After reading your later posts I really think you should go and talk to your GP as it does seem as if it could be post natal depression. Nothing you have said implies your DH isnt pulling his weight or trying to be a good parent. It appears to be your misplaced feelings of guilt that are the reasons you feel so unhappy.

It is perfectly normal to go out for a coffee with your friends and leave your baby with her dad. It also might help if you start to put together a better sleep time strategy where DH can be more involved. You dont have to start this straight away but it might help you mentally if you both have plans to change the bedtime routine so he can take over some nights.

OP you really do sound like you have PND. The guilt thing isn't rational. Its anxiety.

People are mentioning the sleep because we have done the baby thing and know how important it is to get it sorted. You need time in the evenings. You don't have to stay with baby.

As for leaving your husband. It doesn't sound like he is the problem. Just your mental state. I suspect as baby gets older and your mind clears then you will look back and be horrified that you might have left him over.... well, nothing.

Please get to GP as soon as possible.

I say this to point out it’s not go to bed at 8 or sleep train. There is a middle ground!

Bewildered Doughnut, plenty of posters have tried to point out that not all that grief is necessary, that it is often possible to make arrangements that allow for at least some of that life to survive.