To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

I had to escape DS and long before 6 months. I love him to bits but you are still a person. You are not just a mother. Wanting to be away from your child while you know they are safe and being looked after is not selfish. It's perfectly normal. There are so many things to feel guilty about but this shouldn't be one of them. He's 9 months now, tonight I'm going to get my legs and eyebrows waxed because we're on holiday next week. DS will be at home with his dad, I've also been at work all day. No guilt, I'm allowed to be me. You're allowed to be you too.

OP, babies cry. They cry when they're cross, when they're sad, when they're happy sometimes, it's pretty much the only noise they can make to get our full attention. I'm sure you know the difference between a proper full on angry or hungry cry and you're going to have to let your husband deal with some of them. If it means she cries a few minutes longer until she realises that something has changed, there's a different adult in charge etc she will be fjne! She won't be traumatised. But if you refuse to stop stepping in as soon as she cries or grizzles in time your husband will stop trying to be her dad. He'll be the person in the room expecting you to do it all.

You don't want to sleep train, you won't leave her to cry or fuss with your DH as it upsets you, you don't want to leave the room when he tries to settle her. You know full well she won't settle for him when you're about while you're breast feeding, you smell way too good to her. Something has to change. She's not tiny anymore and I disagree she can't manipulate at this age, she's doing it already by you going to bed at 8pm and staying with her. Being a slightly firmer parent does not make you a bad parent.

I've just felt like I shouldn't be doing those things and it makes me a crappy mum for feeling like I want to!

This is why I keep telling you that you should treat this as a positive choice of giving your dd and your dh time to bond.

You talk about resenting being the default parent, but as long as you insist that letting your dh be default parent for a bit- e.g. by going for that walk- would somehow be wronging your dd, you are the one who is perpetuating the situation.

Let him be the default parent for half an hour. Then maybe for an hour while you go and get that haircut or something else that would cheer you up. Soon she will need fewer feeds and they don't all have to involve breastmilk, so there won't be a problem with you going out for half a day.

Go on, OP, you can do it! It's win-win all round!

A 6mo as some sort of master manipulator. 🙄 Okay.

Breastfeeding a big contributor to the default parenting thing, and I say this as someone still (occasionally) feeding a 20mo. It is the easiest way to solve a problem at that age. I would say to just go with it at the moment, but prioritise getting some time for yourself. As she starts eating more solids, the feeding will likely ease off a bit, and you’ll also find it easier for DH to distract or comfort her.

I often grumble to myself about being the 'default parent' - my DH will just walk out the room to go off to do something when our daughter is with us both, whereas if I wanted to leave her for a moment to go and do some housework for example, I'd feel like I needed to 'book' him in to stay with her!*

It's a very easy situation to fall into, I think. I still do it with DH, and he is a brilliant hands on, capable dad and our kids are a bit older now. But I find myself saying "is it ok for me to go and (insert whatever completely normal activity you like)" To be fair, he just looks at me in exasperation and says "of course it is, you don't need to ask my permission".

And my logical brain knows I don't need permission, and that my needs are just as valid as anyone else's in my family, but there's still that funny little feeling that makes me think I shouldn't be taking time for "me".

@everybodylovesgin

I think what I'm really struggling with is, in 6 months I've never even left the house without DD.

If I meet friends, she comes with me.

She's breastfed and I have trouble expressing (believe me I have tried and tried) so I can't leave depressed milk for DH to give to her.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

It won't always be like this. The first year is so so hard.

Also if your baby won't settle for hubby, its because you've made a rod for your own back some how. Maybe you have separation anxiety or you thought it was " mums job" at the beginning. Being a first time mum is the hardest.

I used to stare out of the window on a summers day & wish I could go to the West End and drink cocktails! Priorities change when babies happen.

Stop blaming your husband and learn to communicate.

Op this is all about your feelings, your feelings of resentment, stress, guilt. But you don’t understand why you feel these things and it doesn’t appear anyone is behaving in a way to make you feel them.

Your husband to be fair seems to be doing his share, but you resent being at home with your daughter when he’s at work and you resent not being able to go out alone, even though the only person stopping you is you.

Do you plan to go back to work? Are you on maternity leave? Not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home parent, I certainly wasn’t it would have driven me nuts. Potentially look to speak to your gp as your feelings may be driven by your mental health, possibly pnd, and that needs to be treated before it deteriorates and possibly also look at your work situation.

As most ppl have said, this is really typical of the post baby stage of a relationship. It’s really hard having a baby. When baby starts to sleep through or you go back to work / start to get a better balance you may well regret losing your relationship for a temporary issue.

Stop going to bed with your baby - you have a relationship with your DP as well. That still exists. You have to work and nurture it together but you can’t do that if you permanently have a child strapped to you. You’re feelings are valid but your DH has feelings too...there are two people in that relationship to be considered

He sounds great. You will get through this. You sound depressed and isolated from the adult world. It is normal.

@WhoAmIWhoAreYou

Also if your baby won't settle for hubby, its because you've made a rod for your own back some how

Honestly I don't mean to be rude, but this statement really does irritate me.

I personally do not think you can make a rod for your own back by responding to your babies needs and especially a 6 month old!!!

Also are you totally against mixed feeding ? Would you be willing to move to formula? With ff babies either parent can feed them and settle them, plus often ff babies sleep better due to having fuller tummies.

Ultimately something has to change here. You are up with your daughter every morning and go to bed with her every night. And you’ve built up a resentment now because of it.

Something has to change. Be it the feeding, or the working, doing things on your own when you have the opportunity, letting your husband take the baby for awhile.

Refusing to change anything, whilst getting more and more resentful and pissed off is not going to make things better.

So you need to think through what you’re willing to change, before this gets worse.

[quote everybodylovesgin]@WhoAmIWhoAreYou

Also if your baby won't settle for hubby, its because you've made a rod for your own back some how

Honestly I don't mean to be rude, but this statement really does irritate me.

I personally do not think you can make a rod for your own back by responding to your babies needs and especially a 6 month old!!!

[/quote]
Actually to be fair to the poster op you really can. Babies get used to certain behaviours and if those behaviours stop then they can find it very difficult to adjust and can kick up merry hell.

I remember when I had my daughter I was holding her to sleep and an older midwife walked into the room and said don’t do that, she will get used to it, and you’ll struggle to put her to sleep in her cot. Start right away in putting her down to sleep, I did and it worked.

It was probably the best piece of advice I got. Feed, into cot, sleep.

@Bluntness100

you resent being at home with your daughter when he’s at work and you resent not being able to go out alone, even though the only person stopping you is you

I don't resent being at home with my daughter.

It's as PP said, the role of being "default parent" has fallen to me, and I think
the feeling of resentment is coming from the fact that he never takes over and becomes the default when he's around.

I personally do not think you can make a rod for your own back by responding to your babies needs and especially a 6 month old!!!

I agree with this statement with regard to responding to your baby's needs, but I think you are making things harder than they have to be with regard to allowing your DH to respond to those same needs.

Don't get distracted at this stage by worrying about settling the baby at night or changing feeding methods. Start small. As PP's have said, get everything ready, give her a feed say mid morning or mid afternoon, and then as soon as she's finished, get your coat and go. Even if all you do if sit on a bench at the end of the road and stare at your watch for half an hour. Do it. And then its done.

Hi OP you do remind me a lot of me with both the things you've said and your approach to parenting.

With my 1st (now 4, my 11mo is currently sleeping on me), I had pnd. Can't say if you definitely do or not, but worth looking into.

I bf and bed share and phrases like rod for your own back can definitely piss off. I respond to my baby's cries and will never sleep train.

My DH is also really great at doing cooking etc even though I am on mat leave and he's working. And I do feel resentful. It's not that he needs to do more and he isn't doing anything (much!) wrong, it's the inescapable inequality of it all. He can work and make tea and talk to people and such a variety of things. They might be boring but it's not one thing all the time, never any break from child care. I resent it but I know it's not fair, he's not really doing anything wrong.

Someone mentioned default parent. I said that to him the other day. He walks in and just does something. Useful stuff like wash up, but contrast to me, I need to do the washing, I have to ask him to watch the baby first. He can just assume I will be. So that's the only thing to improve on for us.

Try just walking to the post box and back without the baby and work up to longer periods. It's a weird adjustment when you haven't left them. I used to spend a couple of hours each weekend by myself with a hot chocolate and a book. You must get away from them to do this, you can't relax if you can hear the baby with someone else.

It gets easier or I wouldn't have had a second!

Op, I mean this gently but you do resent it, you feel you never get time alone, you comment he can have lunch, adult conversation, go to the loo, his life hasn’t changed, and yours has.

You complain you’re the default parent, whilst refusing to leave the baby with your husband, refusing to go out because you feel guilty, refusing to do any form of sleep training, basically refusing anything that would mean you aren’t the default parent.

I think you can’t see what everyone is telling you, because you’re so stressed and pissed off, you can’t see you’re being unreasonable, you’re lashing out and blaming your husband for a situation that is entirely driven by you . And because it’s driven by you, only you can change it. 💐

@VeniceQueen2004 I’m saying ‘yes yes YES!’ to all your brilliantly insightful comments.

OP it’s the roughest of rides for a while - my son is nearly 4 and oh my - the absolute FURY I felt towards his Father snoring in bed whilst I pushed our son up and down in his pram in the driveway at 3AM on a January night.

Baby waking up EVERY SINGLE TIME the oven timer beeped or a takeaway arrived and me having him on my lap trying to not drop chicken tikka masala down his babygrow, wishing I could have one meal - just one - in peace.

The day in, day out utter relentlessness of it...

What I do really regret now (hindsight being a wonderful thing) is how much time I was burning with resentment. Your husband sounds like he’s doing his best. You’re both finding your way and I think tiredness does weird things to us - we become very self interested. Survival, I guess.

It will get better, it will change shape.
But please go and do something just for you.
Even if it’s an hour at the local coffee shop with a book or a magazine, see how it feels.
And come back and hug them ... both.

But you aren't giving him a chance to take over are you? Do you ever actually step back when she is fussing and say "You take her, you havent seen her all day and I will get dinner on"? Or do you jump whenever she whimpers and automatically do it yourself?

He has to learn to be a parent too and it sounds like he hasnt because you havent given him a chance to, and that will then lead to him lacking confidence and therefore doing less as he is worried about getting it wrong.

I have six kids so I understand the overwhelming need to be there for them, but for the sake your MH and their relationship you MUST step back a bit. Your relationship is suffering because you have transferred all your loving feelings from him onto her. Have you asked him how he feels when you go to the bed at 8pm and leave him alone every evening? I would bet the words 'lonely' 'rejected' and 'pushed out' all pop up at some point.

You need help getting your relationship back on track, but that has to start with you accepting some responsibility for the situation you are in. Your baby is part of a family and that includes your husband, it isnt you and her and then him off to one side.

The thing is everybody is you have cast yourself in this role of I am the only one who can settle my baby. This may end up completely backfiring on you, firstly when you return to work, or if you are a SAHM when you are back on here crying because you are so tired and your baby is now a 3 year old who has sleep issues.

This is the reason you need to leave the house before your baby's nap time, if you are not there you cannot rush in and settle her. You have never given your Dh the chance to settle her because you always "rescue" him before she calms down.

I have never left a baby to cry, but I will put that baby back down when they have stopped crying. You have met their need. It does sound to me like you let your baby fall asleep on you.

If this is the case, imagine yourself going to bed and waking up in the garden. You think hey this isn't where I sleep! And so you want to be back in bed. You have trained your baby to think that falling asleep means falling asleep on you. This isn't me saying this by the way, this comes from Tracey Hogg aka The Baby Whisperer.

If you put your child in a nursery do you think they hold your baby until they fall asleep in their arms, or drive round in a car to get them to sleep? No they don't.

[quote everybodylovesgin]@Greeneyedminx

This is your choice to go to bed at 8 with your baby, not his.

Maybe you didn't read what I'd put in my post, DD will not settle for DH.
She will only settle for me at bedtime.
*
*Try sleep training your child

I won't be trying any sleep training, but thanks for the suggestion!

you need to give your head a massive wobble and actually grow up, stop blaming your husband for how you choose to look after your baby.
Good luck, you’ll need it

our shes our baby!!!!! She has two parents! [/quote]
Can the word "your" not also refer to both parents?

The poster probably meant you and your husband.

But you won't let him

Also what's he doing on the weekends while you lie in if not taking over

And I say that as someone who had to leave DD when she was 11 weeks for 3 days. It was terribly hard but because I had no choice, I just had to do it. But it did mean that I had taken the first step and then it wasn't ever as hard again.

@Bluntness100

Op, I mean this gently but you do resent it, you feel you never get time alone, you comment he can have lunch, adult conversation, go to the loo, his life hasn’t changed, and yours has.

You complain you’re the default parent, whilst refusing to leave the baby with your husband, refusing to go out because you feel guilty, refusing to do any form of sleep training, basically refusing anything that would mean you aren’t the default parent.

I think you can’t see what everyone is telling you, because you’re so stressed and pissed off, you can’t see you’re being unreasonable, you’re lashing out and blaming your husband for a situation that is entirely driven by you . And because it’s driven by you, only you can change it. 💐

Please read this and think about it, OP. It’s very wise advice.

You totally can make a rod for your own back by responding all the time immediately to your baby, OP. Really, you can. And when you have your first, you have NO idea what you're doing so you rock them to sleep, they don't learn to FALL asleep, which is a vital life skill, which they need to learn.

Believe me - I made the rookie error of thinking the aim was to soothe his every cry ASAP and it meant I couldn't do anything for myself for months without feeling rushed and stressed. And we decided to hire a ludicrously expensive sleep consultant to fix a situation of our own making. The midwife that gave that piece of advice to @Bluntness100 was bang on the money. Start right away putting them down to sleep - drowsy but awake. That's the key, I understand!