To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

I have a six month old too and my partner works during the week, very busy hours, however when he comes home the first thing he does after cleaning up is take baby and play with her. You are assuming the default parent role because you aren't letting up when he comes home - if he isn't given a chance to be the default then nothing will change and you should leave him. But that's because of your choice, not him.
Have you tried to just pass the baby to him when he gets home and say something like right I'll stick dinner on or put the kettle on? If you wait forever for him to take baby when you look like you're having the best time he obviously won't, but in the same breath he will want some time with his baby too. You know, because it's his baby also? You need to learn to help your husband and baby because this will get worse, not better. Your daughter will not turn around one day and go, hmm no I'd prefer daddy today to put me to sleep because she's never experienced it. You also need to learn to look after yourself because this endless cycle of mental abuse is not healthy - you are not a bad mum for going out for a coffee, I think you recharging yourself is actually a good thing for your baby and husband as you will come back happier and you will feel better in yourself. Babies cry over absolutely everything - my daughter just had a fit because she couldn't reach a ball and I didn't get it in time. She will not hold this against you and as much as your daughter and husband have a great relationship I'm sure he wants the delicate bits and the satisfaction of getting her to sleep. If you do let him try to get her to sleep too please don't stand there, just let him figure out what she likes - could you not feed baby and then pass to dad and he can do the soothing and transition? I really hope this gets better for you regardless and the fact that you've thought into it so much shows you are a good mum. Have confidence in your family unit.

@calzone2018

You are assuming the default parent role because you aren't letting up when he comes home - if he isn't given a chance to be the default then nothing will change

I do let up! He cooks dinner as DD is usually just finishing her last nap as he gets home. She naps on me and will only wake up if he takes her. Neither of us want to disturb her nap.

After dinner I will ask DH to play with DD or do her bath, but he usually says he'll do the dishes instead.
I just feel like I'm burdening him asking him to spend time with DD!

Oh dear op, I don’t think you’re in the right place mentally to listen. You’re adamant this is your husbands fault. I’d take some time to try to think.

If you wish him to do the bath, as you previously indicated he was, then just ask him ok? In the meantime try to take some time for yourself, go for a coffee or a walk, something, tonight, to try and bring yourself back down again. Maybe give your gp a call also, as this may be pnd.

@calzone2018

If you do let him try to get her to sleep too please don't stand there, just let him figure out what she likes

And here is another issue! He doesn't figure out what she likes, he just says "she wants you"

He will sit holding her but as soon as she starts to cry and gets restless he kind of gives up and I have to take over.

There are nights at bed time that left then and I've gone out in the car to the Costa drive through and when I've got back (I've only been 20 minutes) DD is sobbing hysterically!!

You need to talk to him and come up with a plan together. You seem determined to martyr yourself but you really don't have to. The sooner you stop doing it, the better life will be for all of you.

@Bluntness100

Oh dear op, I don’t think you’re in the right place mentally to listen*

This is not PND!!

I've spoken to my HV this very afternoon!!

I wish people would stop saying this.

I know there is a lot we need to change but blaming this on my mental health (when you don't even personally know me) is very unfair!

@everybodylovesgin I completely get where your coming from and went through a very similar thing.
The amount of times me & my partner would disagree about him having time to himself at work (to go to the loo, eat his lunch in peace etc..)
I promise it gets easier. I never believed it when people said it to me but it really does. My LO is 16 months now and it's so different. Easier in most ways too.
Feel free to pm me if you need to cause your getting some stick on here which you don't deserve.
Like pp have said it is quite common for these feelings. No one prepares us for them.
Definitely speak to your gp. Mine did turn out to be pnd but I know plenty of mums without who have said very similar things.

@calzone2018

the first thing he does after cleaning up is take baby and play with her.*

Okay and goes your DH day things like
"I need a minute, I haven't stopped today"

Because that's what mine says! So he might make dinner and do the pots which is great, but when I say "it's bath time, or are you going to watch her or play with her etc"... he tells me he's not stopped and he needs minute.

This makes me feel even more guilty, but also resentful, because I don't feel like i stop either!

look, having a baby is like a bomb going off in your marriage. My sister once said to me that the first year after the first baby is born is generally the worst year of your marriage. I agree. I have some specific advice for you.

1. sit down with your husband and have both of you agree that you will try to stop the "I'm more tired than you/I've done more than you" competition - it is so easy to get into that and it is very destructive, especially if you are both more or less pulling your weight.

1. give up on the handing baby over to each other and embrace being together with the baby and ask him to be as hands-on when you are there as when you are not there. Honestly trying to have your old life- going out for coffee/gym etc is only possibly in very small doses. What worked better for us was embracing the whole thing - so we did have lie-ins but not long ones. We then both went to the playground or for a walk or wherever. We got together with other friends with babies at the weekends and did things together.

1. Make a decision to presume the best of each other. I know this sounds weird but just take what he says at face value. So if he says "god I'm knackered from work today" don't presume he is saying "and you have it much easier than me". Making this decision was probably the best thing I did in the early childhood years.

1. Maybe think about going back to work. I was back at work part time before each of mine were 6 months. That's the culture where I am but being at home 24/7 isn't for everyone.

After dinner I will ask DH to play with DD or do her bath, but he usually says he'll do the dishes instead.
I just feel like I'm burdening him asking him to spend time with DD!

Personally, I wouldn't start with the bedtimes because you already know that is going to be a tricky one. (and totally sympathise with your not wanting

Start with something small and achievable and let him build up from there. Pick a time at the weekend when she is usually happy and alert.

Have the conversation with him: "Dh, I've realised it's time I got some of my life back and it's also a great opportunity for you and dd to bond so I'm going to go for a Saturday walk. We'll fix it for a time when she doesn't particularly want me, you can do x with her, and I'll be away for x time". And then build up from there.

Start being ruthless! Don't take no for an answer! Babies can't be manipulative but grown men are a different matter... Let him know that this is non-negotiable, he is a father now, and you could have an accident or fall ill: he absolutely needs to know how to look after his own child unsupervised.

sorry, missed a bit: "totally sympathise with your not wanting to sleep train"

@pallisers

look, having a baby is like a bomb going off in your marriage. My sister once said to me that the first year after the first baby is born is generally the worst year of your marriage. I agree. I have some specific advice for you.

1. sit down with your husband and have both of you agree that you will try to stop the "I'm more tired than you/I've done more than you" competition - it is so easy to get into that and it is very destructive, especially if you are both more or less pulling your weight.

1. give up on the handing baby over to each other and embrace being together with the baby and ask him to be as hands-on when you are there as when you are not there. Honestly trying to have your old life- going out for coffee/gym etc is only possibly in very small doses. What worked better for us was embracing the whole thing - so we did have lie-ins but not long ones. We then both went to the playground or for a walk or wherever. We got together with other friends with babies at the weekends and did things together.

1. Make a decision to presume the best of each other. I know this sounds weird but just take what he says at face value. So if he says "god I'm knackered from work today" don't presume he is saying "and you have it much easier than me". Making this decision was probably the best thing I did in the early childhood years.

1. Maybe think about going back to work. I was back at work part time before each of mine were 6 months. That's the culture where I am but being at home 24/7 isn't for everyone.

This x1000!

This makes me feel even more guilty, but also resentful

Ditch the guilt, and you'll find the resentment eases off too. He's a father, if he hasn't stopped for a minute that's tough. Neither have you. Nothing to feel guilty about. Same with the baby. You are leaving her with a loving parent, absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are caring for the baby's mother: the more important you recognise that you are, the more important, surely, it is that you get the care you need.

@pallisers

look, having a baby is like a bomb going off in your marriage. My sister once said to me that the first year after the first baby is born is generally the worst year of your marriage. I agree. I have some specific advice for you.

1. sit down with your husband and have both of you agree that you will try to stop the "I'm more tired than you/I've done more than you" competition - it is so easy to get into that and it is very destructive, especially if you are both more or less pulling your weight.

1. give up on the handing baby over to each other and embrace being together with the baby and ask him to be as hands-on when you are there as when you are not there. Honestly trying to have your old life- going out for coffee/gym etc is only possibly in very small doses. What worked better for us was embracing the whole thing - so we did have lie-ins but not long ones. We then both went to the playground or for a walk or wherever. We got together with other friends with babies at the weekends and did things together.

1. Make a decision to presume the best of each other. I know this sounds weird but just take what he says at face value. So if he says "god I'm knackered from work today" don't presume he is saying "and you have it much easier than me". Making this decision was probably the best thing I did in the early childhood years.

1. Maybe think about going back to work. I was back at work part time before each of mine were 6 months. That's the culture where I am but being at home 24/7 isn't for everyone.

@pallisers

Thank you!!

I keep saying to him I'd like to have plans on a weekend but he's just started a new job and the last two weekends he spent rearranging our spare room into an office, building furniture etc.

So we haven't done anything outside of the house as a family for two weeks!!

I think that is your issue there. He is still living the life pre-baby where you could spend two weekends rearranging furniture etc. and your wife would head off and meet friends and then meet you for dinner, happy etc. That way of doing things doesn't work anymore. T

I strongly suggest that you sit with him and have a chat that isn't saying "you aren't being fair/reasonable/nice/helpful" etc but instead put the baby to bed, pour a glass of wine, and sit down and ask him could you both just discuss a better way of managing things because this way isn't working. We are empty nesters now and back to doing whatever we like but once we "embraced the suck" the early years were so much fun.

I know this won't be popular but one disadvantage I see to extended maternity leave is that it creates the reality that the baby is the mother's job and the father helps. Rather than both of you being responsible for the baby all the time.

[quote everybodylovesgin]@VivaMiltonKeynes

Do you think babies just know when and how to go to sleep ? Unless you want a baby that never falls asleep without you then I suggest you need to smarten up a bit

No. I don't think they know that!!

But I do think my baby wants to be comforted by her mummy to help her sleep.!!
Once DD has fallen asleep on me she will go into her next to me crib!
The issue here isn't anything to do with the fact that I have to settle her to sleep.

I wish I hadn't mentioned the sleep now as it seems MN like to jump onto issues with sleep and instantly conclude that people are in desperate need of sleep training.[/quote]
I think you seem to think sleep training is controlled crying

Not all sleep training is leaving your baby to scream. Some sleep training is all about security and comfort cuddling. All that jazz

Read up on gentle sleep training. Which is all about training to circadian rhythm. With no crying. Not leaving. Nor screaming.

I felt exactly the same, I think it’s normal when you are both tired, exhausted and irritable.
I ended up going to bed with baby and she’s now 4 and I’ve just been able to stop going with her.

One trap not to fall into is becoming the "baby expert" in your family. If you are a SAHM, it does become very easy to be the one who knows the right way to do things; and this can be dispiriting and disempowering for an OH. I am not saying that you are doing this; just warning you of a trap. It is very easy for the out-at-work OH to give up on doing things with the baby because he gets the message (raised eyebrow, sigh etc.) that you are the only one who knows how to do it properly.

It took me a while to get to grips with that. When they were toddling he used to have them one day a week on his day off, and it was their "Daddy Day" - I turned a blind eye to what went on; or just did not ask!!

OP - I can see that you are finding all this hard; but I think the kind messages on here are all intended to help you to get to the other side of this; to get perspective from other mothers which hopefully will help you to move on and become a team. There does seem to be a general consensus that your OH is doing his best - probably not what you want to hear when you are feeling cross with him.

So many of us have been where you are. Don't give up on it - or on him.

Re. Pumping. Do you use it when your boobs are really full or after your DD has had a feed? You might want to try when you’re fit to burst. I was often like this when DD wasn’t sucking properly.🤣

@pallisers

I know this won't be popular but one disadvantage I see to extended maternity leave is that it creates the reality that the baby is the mother's job and the father helps.

I Completely agree. Were we ever to have second child (which we probably won’t, because my experience of the first was so traumatic) I would go back to work much sooner.

Just to add to my post above - it is intended to address the "default parent" concern. It is very easy to unwittingly create a situation where OH feels disempowered, feels that you seem to have got it all sewn up and he will just make a bodge of it. The only way to deal with this is to let go a bit - to go for a walk or whatever and let him take over in privacy.

He will probably not do things your way; but your baby will learn to adapt to different people and different ways of doing things - that can only be good. Some of my OH'd nappy-changing seemed a right bodge to me - but who am I to say that mine were the only right way?

Sorry not RRTFT only your posts. How does the thought of going back to work feel? Just more stress or would it be nice to have some baby free time in the company of adults.

For me I went back at 13 weeks. In the country I live 99.9% of parents do. It is my cultural normal.

So much of what you've written is cultural guilt. Do you think you could let go of some of that and think about what you want your next steps to be?

If you imagine going back to work how does that feel?
If you imagine baby going to bed with DH how does that make you feel?
If you imagine going out on a girls night out?
If you imagine a romantic meal?

If one of the options feels good discuss with DH how you can make steps towards it happening.

Just to say that this doesn't feel normal because it isn't. You've never done this before. Neither of you have had a baby before. You've not lived through a pandemic before. So of course it doesn't feel normal because it isn't.

I agree with the above posts re work. I was back at work after 11 weeks with dd and although that comes with it's own challenges there was none of this 'you can go to the toilet, go for lunch, have adult conversations' resentment

This is parenthood unfortunately. It gets better as LOs get older. It sounds like he is doing more than mine did. But my DH had a very stressful full time job so I cut him some slack. Give it time