To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

Incidentally, my sister believes that women with new babies are programmed to be repulsed by perfectly good men for a good twelve months as a form of natural contraception.

It is hard when they are tiny, especially as lockdown sank your chance of outside help. It is no wonder she has such a strong attachment to you when there hasn't been a chance for others to help out, even for an hour while you have a nap. Being jealous of your partner going out and being a grown-up is normal. I felt that when mine were babies and again during lockdown as he works out of the house and I was from home.

Suggestions would be come down after getting her to bed, even if she wakes again quickly. Consider shared parental leave, so you know he has a month coming up at the end of your leave where it is all on him. See people if possible to get her used to more people. Failing that, plough on foe a few more months, it does get easier.

@corythatwas

And above all, give the baby a chance to develop a separate, but equally important, equally trusting relationship with her dad.

She honestly has a lovely relationship with her dad.
It's only when she's tired or wants to sleep that she wants me.

We've tried DH doing the naps but DD gets really upset and if I'm not in the room she will just look for me!! 😞

We've tried and tried but she actually sobs and none of us want to see her like that.

@VodselForDinner

Incidentally, my sister believes that women with new babies are programmed to be repulsed by perfectly good men for a good twelve months as a form of natural contraception.

I think she might be onto something!!!

@everybodylovesgin

She honestly has a lovely relationship with her dad.
It's only when she's tired or wants to sleep that she wants me.

This sounds incredibly promising! My girl could quite simply NOT BE DOING with anyone who wasn't me until she went to nursery.

Time your outings right - slip off when she's fallen asleep or something. You absolutely CAN go out without her for an hour or so if that's what you want to do. Your DH will manage, your DD will be fine xx

Just wanted to add I too could have divorced DH after the birth of our son- I used to feel jealous that he got to go to work and get dressed up and have a lunch break.

It got better once I got back to work and felt like pieces of myself were coming back.

Hang in there

OP I have a breastfed toddler and co sleeping saved us.

She was exactly the same, only wanted me when tired or miserable. It’s perfectly normal for her to wake and need you at this age. Sleep training is not normal. If people googled the effects of sleep training they wouldn’t do it, just to get a nights sleep.

I promise it doesn’t last forever.

but what he's not understanding is that I don't want to go and sit in a room by myself away from him and my baby, I want to be with them both, but it would be nice if he took over responding to her needs for an hour and I could take a step back, whilst being in the same room as them both!

Poor bloke can't cop a break

You complain you can't leave the house without the baby but at the same time you don't want to leave the room

You say she won't settle for anyone but you but you expect DH to do it whilst your no doubt looking over his shoulder

🤷‍♀️

Stop staying with her at 8pm.

As she’s only young still, either keep her up later until you bathe and put her in her cot, or bathe, put her in her cot and go downstairs.

It’s madness to stop everything at 8pm. Imagine if you had two children.

You can go to the toilet your self during the day too.

Buy a playpen, put baby in the playpen, when you want to go to the toilet, answer the door, or putting washing out.

I’m sure you’ll have a baby monitor, use it.

You are doing yourself and the baby no favours, by being thoroughly exhausted and miserable

but what he's not understanding is that I don't want to go and sit in a room by myself away from him and my baby, I want to be with them both, but it would be nice if he took over responding to her needs for an hour and I could take a step back, whilst being in the same room as them both!

You need to actually take time for yourself too and allow your husband to spend time alone with his child. I guarantee if you are all together you will be hovering and correcting everything he does in the above scenario or you will just end up taking over without realising it especially if he doesn't do things your way.
Your DD will only learn to rely on him and settle for him if he's the only option as she's so used to you being there 24/7 so if you want to break the cycle of you being the only person she settles for you will have to just let him get on with it an actively remove yourself from the situation. Be it go for a walk / shopping on your own, take some time for yourself and let your husband work out his own little routine with your DD. Eventually she will get used to it.

Otherwise I really don't know what you're expecting.

Sorry you're finding it tough. I too have a 6mo but husband WFH. We have endlessly talked about how different and difficult it would be if he hasn't been here - he knows through and through just how tough it is being with a baby all day. He knows he has the easier job and as a result he helps as much as he can. We have talked a lot about how much distance we would feel we're he going into the office - we wouldn't understand each others's realities and day to day stresses.

Even so, we are bickering all. The. Time. So I can only imagine how much tougher it feels for you. If there is anything I've learned about babies, it's that everything is a phase. We know this is really hard but it will pass. We try to remember to be kind to each other and supportive. It feels so difficult sometimes just to accept we are on the same team, but we try to remind ourselves of this.

Give it a bit more time. Also I wonder how much space you have to just talk and be yourselves together? How about putting aside an hour while baby naps at the weekend to do nothing but talk and try to reconnect? It's important to make time for each other, too.

Sending solidarity

Also buy a dummy.

I hate them, but one baby needed it, and they slept and felt better with it to fall asleep, and then I could take it out.

Sorry must have been another poster who complained about not going to the toilet themselves, not you OP.

She honestly has a lovely relationship with her dad.
It's only when she's tired or wants to sleep that she wants me.

Then I don't see what the problem is. You want to leave the house, bedtime is the only time that she would be unhappy with him- surely that leaves any time that is not bedtime?

She honestly has a lovely relationship with her dad.
It's only when she's tired or wants to sleep that she wants me.

You are making a huge mistake giving in to this.
I really advise you to read some sleep books on how to get your baby to settle without you being in the room or holding her.

We've tried DH doing the naps but DD gets really upset and if I'm not in the room she will just look for me!!

You have to get past this.

Youhave programmed your baby to cry- get reward (mummy.)

Babies and children quickly learn that by crying or screaming thy can get what they want.
Will you still be responding in the same way when she is 2, 12, 18?

At some point you need to learn to let go and allow your DH to take over. Your baby WILL learn to settle with him.

My DD woke and cried every night past 6 months and would not settle without a feed but it was more comfort feeding. I had to be firm in the end and ignore her crying. Yes, it was very hard BUT I also had a toddler just over 2 and a husband travelling overseas so was coping alone. After a few nights of being left to cry, she got the message and slept right through.

Yes, it was horrible to listen to that, but sometimes you have to take hard decisions to get the best outcome.

You are making your own life difficult- it's not your husband who is at fault.

@JinglingHellsBells

I had to be firm in the end and ignore her crying

Sorry, but I will never ignore my daughters needs!!

I don't for a second this she's manipulating me. She's 6 months old! She's a baby.

I will work with her on this but I will take a gentle approach which works for her and me. Ignoring her and leaving her to cry would be far more stressful for me and her than hugging / feeding her to sleep!!

We're all different and of ignoring your child worked for you that's your choice, but it wouldn't ever work for me!!

A couple of thoughts. Re. Expressing milk. Are you using an electric pump? My DD has trouble getting going with bf so I had to express and use a special bottle to train her to suck properly! I invested in an electric pump and it made all the difference- it’s much quicker and meant that even when she was feeding properly, DH could still give her a bottle on the evening.

Hang in there, OP, this is just a phase and she’ll probably adore her Daddy in a few months. Your DH sounds as if he’s being supportive- mine didn’t get gone until after 8 pm when DD was little so he seldom made dinner and certainly didn’t clean!

It’s a huge transition and COVID really hadn’t helped, but I can guarantee that things will be different again in another six months.💐

I mean with your DD and DH, I’m not predicting the outcome of the pandemic!

@AmICrazyorWhat2

Re. Expressing milk. Are you using an electric pump?

Yeah it's an electric pump.

For some reason I just don't respond to a pump and I can barely get anything.

everybodylovesgin you still haven't explained why you can't go for a walk, or send your dh and the baby out, if the only problems are centred on bedtime? Why would daddy taking her out in the pram be neglecting her needs? Or, if you are giving her solids, daddy staying at home and feeding and cleaning her while you pop out to the shops?

I’ve read all of your posts, OP, so I’m basing my response on those. You have done a great job of pushing back against this idea that the baby is somehow trying to manipulate you, and you’re being a brilliant mother in the way that you are responding to her needs.

It sounds like your husband isn’t the problem as much as you are, and I don’t mean that in an unkind way. You seem to recognise that you could be reclaiming more of your own life now, but you aren’t due to your perception of how a mother ‘should’ behave. It’s totally normal to want some time away from the baby at this point. Have you had a hair cut recently? When my little girl was about six months, I went for a hair cut by myself. I knew I’d only be gone for about an hour, so even if everything went wrong, it wouldn’t last long. She got a little upset and had a big feed when I got home, but she was fine. Maybe you could start with something like that.

You do need to know that it is totally fine to want some time with a friend on your own, and you need to not feel guilty for that. And when you’re with your DH and DD, gently nudge him into taking the lead. When my DD has had a poo, I often cheerfully announce, ‘Your turn!’ Or I’ll give my DD a toy and tell her to show it to Daddy. Obviously, your DD is too young to do actively do that, but he’ll get the hint.

Hang in there, speak to the GP, and give yourself a break. Things will settle back down in time.

I understand why you don't want to do sleep training, I didn't either. Also understand why expressing is a no-no. But why do you feel you have to sit in the same room when he is caring for the baby- when you are simultaneously complaining that you can't get time away from the baby? What is your guilt here?

I totally understand how you are feeling, and to pps who are accusing you of pandering to your baby (or being trained to respond to her needs...I mean honestly ), that is just ridiculous. This is your tiny baby who needs you. You are not doing anything wrong in responding to her as she needs, and making her feel secure now will only make her more independent in future. You are doing a great job!

What you are feeling is totally normal and I completely relate. It does sound like your husband is doing a great job too; he is doing what he can to pick up the slack when he can't help directly with your daughter. It's so, so hard when your baby won't be comforted by anyone but you at night, but that will get better with time. There's no point in forcing it as that causes anxiety all round, all you can do is keep encouraging your DH to look after her when she's happy and/or when you need a break.

Separately though, based on my own experience I would really encourage you to make short trips out without your baby, even if just for a coffee for an hour or a walk around the shops. Your baby will be cared for by your DH, who you have said has a lovely relationship with her. She won't come to any harm and there's absolutely no need to feel guilty leaving her for an hour or two. I really struggled with this and would become really anxious wondering what was going on at home, for at least the first year, and it didn't do any of us any favours in the long run by avoiding going out. You'll feel so much better in yourself if you do have some time to yourself, that will subsequently help with some of the resentment with your DH.

I often grumble to myself about being the 'default parent' - my DH will just walk out the room to go off to do something when our daughter is with us both, whereas if I wanted to leave her for a moment to go and do some housework for example, I'd feel like I needed to 'book' him in to stay with her! I'm not sure how to break that annoying role that I've found myself in, but I know it is pretty common and definitely causes issues with simmering resentment. If you're conscious of this now and take active steps to try and shift the dynamic where possible, I bet things will start to improve.

All of this is easier said than done I know. The first year is the hardest, and it will get better. Be kind to yourself and your DH!

@Foldinthecheese

I’ve read all of your posts, OP, so I’m basing my response on those. You have done a great job of pushing back against this idea that the baby is somehow trying to manipulate you, and you’re being a brilliant mother in the way that you are responding to her needs.

It sounds like your husband isn’t the problem as much as you are, and I don’t mean that in an unkind way. You seem to recognise that you could be reclaiming more of your own life now, but you aren’t due to your perception of how a mother ‘should’ behave. It’s totally normal to want some time away from the baby at this point. Have you had a hair cut recently? When my little girl was about six months, I went for a hair cut by myself. I knew I’d only be gone for about an hour, so even if everything went wrong, it wouldn’t last long. She got a little upset and had a big feed when I got home, but she was fine. Maybe you could start with something like that.

You do need to know that it is totally fine to want some time with a friend on your own, and you need to not feel guilty for that. And when you’re with your DH and DD, gently nudge him into taking the lead. When my DD has had a poo, I often cheerfully announce, ‘Your turn!’ Or I’ll give my DD a toy and tell her to show it to Daddy. Obviously, your DD is too young to do actively do that, but he’ll get the hint.

Hang in there, speak to the GP, and give yourself a break. Things will settle back down in time.

@Foldinthecheese

You seem to recognise that you could be reclaiming more of your own life now, but you aren’t due to your perception of how a mother ‘should’ behave

I know that this is a huge part of my issue too.
I can go for walks alone, I can meet a friend alone, there's no reason why I can't.
I've just felt like I shouldn't be doing those things and it makes me a crappy mum for feeling like I want to! 😣

@littlestrawby

I often grumble to myself about being the 'default parent' - my DH will just walk out the room to go off to do something when our daughter is with us both, whereas if I wanted to leave her for a moment to go and do some housework for example, I'd feel like I needed to 'book' him in to stay with her! I'm not sure how to break that annoying role that I've found myself in, but I know it is pretty common and definitely causes issues with simmering resentment. If you're conscious of this now and take active steps to try and shift the dynamic where possible, I bet things will start to improve.

Yes!!!! This is exactly what it feels like.
I've really struggled to put my finger on it and explaining how I feel, but it's this!!