Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

[bumble79]

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

boring jobs always seem to end up being wife work, for no obvious reason

Sometimes the reason is that the 'wife' insists on doing it. In this case the husband has said not to bother.

My husband and I don't buy presents for each other's families. That would be weird.

Oh god I'd never dream of doing his Christmas shopping for him! I couldn't even tell you the exact dates of some of his families birthdays. If I saw something I knew a member of his family would love, I'd send him a picture or a link but I'd never do it did him, same way he wouldn't do my Christmas shopping. The tags all say from both of us and I happily do his wrapping because I enjoy doing that and he hates it. Save yourself the bother and let him do his own shopping!

My DH and I buy presents for our own families. He never knows what to buy for his family, and leaves it to the last moment, so the presents are never very good, but that's not my problem.

No, not all men are like this. You've done this for eight years? Damn.

@Danetobe

My husband is the same and I refuse to buy any gifts from him, and he doesn’t bother with buying gifts for his family. A couple of years ago my mil wrote, and highlighted, on my work wall calendar his family’s birthdays. I used to feel I should pander to this idea of nurturing my husband relationships but after that, nope, no more.

Fuck that shit. Bloody cheek.

Are all men like this??

No but not all women treat their husbands like children.

No all men aren't.

Just the lazy wasters.

Hand the job back and don't think of it again.

Why do some women so readily make skivvies of themselves.
🤷‍♀️

I keep finding myself in a wifework trap.

It’s been noticed by me that Dh doesn’t do much around the house. He works (as do I) and he does a lot of things with the dc (as do I). But of an evening after we’ve eaten and out the kids to bed one of us sits and watched tv whilst the other outs laundry on so it’s ready to dry in the morning, sorts nursery bags, makes lunches, cleans the kitchen, puts laundry away, tidies up... guess who does what.

emem the rule in our house is that all this cleaning and sorting should be done, then we both sit down and watch TV. Doesn't he feel bad sitting on his arse while you run around?

OP, you have really low standards.

@ememem84

How can you allow that.
No one sits down, until everyone sits down.

Deal with this or expect marriage problems down the road.

Love doesn't hang around if one partner is a selfish git, who purs themselves first.

Stop doing anything for him if you get any attitude.
No laundry, cooking etc.

What a lazy fucker. Stop enabling him.

ememem84 and you just keep doing it and saying nothing? You sound like a live in house keeper

I've never bought presents for DP's family, and he's never bought them for mine. And he would never expect me to, and vice versa. Not in a mean selfish way - just seems like common sense to split present buying this way. Only exception might be if there was something specific he wanted for his parents and I happened to be going to shop that sold it anyway, then of course of asked I would be happy to pick it up, and obviously the same would also apply the other way round.

Oh I’ve had words. I had words last night. I’m not happy about it.

ememem84 I hope things improve at home as if they dont you will just become angry and resentful and that will be the end of your relationship.

This evening I’ve walked home. (Hour and half walk) leaving dh to deal woth the kids. Got home about 10 mins ago.

Dcs are in the bath. Dinners on. House needs a tidy but Dh has said he’ll do it after they are in bed. So obviously my rant worked

good result

When I was a child, my mum's siblings (and their wives/husbands) would send things like the Xmas box of crackers or chocolates, a wheel of cheese, a side of salmon, even a brace of fowl or a hare. This was great as it meant that each family unit got most of their Xmas nibbley-bits or Boxing Day food sorted. If your family unit were strapped for cash a box of crackers was affordable and if you were minted then you could send something really special.

They were to and from each family unit, rather than lots of individual presents. I much prefer to do things that way now but it's anathema to dh. I stopped trying to do his gifts for him after about two years.

Tell him you're not going to do it, and leave him to it, or just send Xmas chocolates or something, for each family unit.

My DH is crap with gifts etc for his family, and so they don't get anything from him. It is not my responsibility.

MIL once hinted I should buy for his brother, her and his nephews but I told her it's for him to sort; would she think it was appropriate for him to buy my family gifts if I didn't?

Luckily she understood and said she wished she had taken the same stand when she was married!

I hate everything assumed to be 'wife work'.

I do cards and presents for my side of the family, DH does cards and presents for his side. Always have done. We’ll both think of ideas if we’re stuck but we each have our own responsibilities for our families. In my mind it’s the fairest way of doing things. Can’t stand the implication that a woman should take on the card & gift buying role in a relationship. No thanks! And I say that as someone who gets on really well with my in-laws, so it isn’t about not liking them at all.

@ememem84

This evening I’ve walked home. (Hour and half walk) leaving dh to deal woth the kids. Got home about 10 mins ago.

Dcs are in the bath. Dinners on. House needs a tidy but Dh has said he’ll do it after they are in bed. So obviously my rant worked

Well done..

Do NOT slip back into the old routine.
You have spelt it out.
He knows now that you are feeling taken advantage of.

If he loves you he will do it.

But you have to do your part...continue walking home and taking time and tell him, laundry is now your domain...whatever it takes.

30 days to change the dynamic.

So worth it.

I honestly cannot imagine how a reasonably long, happy, marriage is in any way achievable if you don't both pitch in together.

Unfortunately it is sadly the case in some homes that women HAVE to make it a deal breaker.

Is the issue with him not discussing it because he's not interested at all and doesn't help or is it that he sees it as too early

Mine is rubbish if I ask him for xmas ideas now - he'll come up with ideas late November and then quite happy do xmas shopping in December (and even when everything has been brought I know xmas eve he'll come home with extra presents for everyone)

He did it. I went for a bath. After dinner. I also tidied up our room and put the basket of laundry away (but it was on the bed and I needed to mive it anyway to get into bed)

I’m not walking home for a long time. Most of it was up a steep windy hill. What was I thinking!!! Haha!

Good rule as posted above: nobody sits down until everybody sits down.