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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

162 replies

bumble79 · 14/09/2020 19:45

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 14/09/2020 22:49

He managed OP because he had to and it’s not rocket science. What it is is boring and pointless and you’re enabling him to get away with pretending it’s too hard so you have to do it. Just don’t do it, let him deal with the fallout.

Pinkmakeupbag · 14/09/2020 22:49

No not all men are like this. Goodness me.

Dh sorts out his own families gifts or we do it together. I might help him find the item if his mum has asked for just say some make up because I'm obviously going to be more familiar with a mascara brand then he is. He always sorts his dad.

HyacynthBucket · 14/09/2020 22:53

Not all men are like this. My brother was a wonderful gift-giver - he had the knack of thinking about the person and choosing just the right thing that made them feel special.
Then when he married his wife took over and she just bulk buys things and distributes them - one for you, one for you - nothing personal about it. She also gets and sends all cards, from her and DB, and their children even when nearly grown up. So my nephews would 'send' me a card or gift that they had never seen and did not even know about. SIL is a total control freak and has spoiled this aspect of birthdays and Christmas by taking over when she should have let other people have their relationships without interfering.

Splendidseptember · 14/09/2020 23:34

Rookie mistake op.

I've made it. Don't buy for him at all.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2020 06:22

Dear God woman. He’s lazy and given that you have been putting up with it, he probably won’t change either. If you don’t want to be taken for granted and put upon, don’t be.

ememem84 · 15/09/2020 07:10

We discuss christmas gifts together. The general rule is that I buy for my side and he does his dad and girlfriend and also his mum. Last year Fil and gf got a box of biscuits and mil a bottle of wine.

We had family round ours (except for mil who is abroad) and it was a bit awkward giving dparents a voucher for a hotel stay (from us and also dsis chipped in as they had helped us out massively and we wanted something to say thank you) and some other little treats when Fil and bf just got a box of biscuits.

Dm had a go at me for that. Because I’m the wife. And I should have sorted it. Sigh.

Personally I thought it justified. Fil and gf do nothing. They rarely see the dc and when they do they pay them no attention. It’s heartbreaking to see an almost 3 year old beg his grandad to play with him and get rejected time and time again. Grandad is perfectly capable just hates children. And people.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/09/2020 08:08

I think that, as money is tight, and gift buying is something that he is clearly uninterested in, you stop buying gifts for adults, except perhaps your own parents, and just get them some nice consumables (wine/fizz, spirits, chocolates, biscuits for cheese etc).

Just exchange token gifts between you and him and then you're freed from the charade of having to buy your own gifts and pretend they're from him, which they're clearly not because he's not done any thinking or buying so it's just you buying something because you want or need it, and is no different to you doing this at any other time of year.

Problem solved, a lot less stress and a lot less money wasted.

ScrapThatThen · 15/09/2020 08:46

I would get flowers and a card or something consumeable just from you for MIL. Say to her, we've split the responsibility for presents between the two of us but I still wanted to get you a little something just from me. But ime most family will see it as your job because that's how it was for them... doesn't mean it is though.

Yankathebear · 15/09/2020 08:48

I buy for the children on his side else they’d get a voucher but I leave the adults up to him.

AnotherEmma · 15/09/2020 08:49

YABVU to buy presents for his family.
That's his job. If he doesn't bother they don't get gifts.

AnnaMagnani · 15/09/2020 09:01

How many gifts? Are they even people you see? Would you see them at all if you didn't organise it?

Buy yourself a copy of Wifework for Christmas and stop all this nonsense.

Box of biscuits for his mum if you must and stop all the rest. Let him set the tone and get the grief back. If there isn't any grief - well, you've saved a lot of money.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/09/2020 09:05

It's really simple.

Did he manage to buy presents for his family before he met you?
Yes? Great. He can continue.
No? Then why would his family expect to start receiving presents suddenly?

EL8888 · 15/09/2020 11:13

Not sure why you’re getting involved. Another one here rejecting the wife work nonsense. What did his last slave die of? His family = his problem

LemonTT · 15/09/2020 11:28

I don’t get why you are buying gifts for anyone but immediate family, you him and kids, maybe parents. If you have to budget then stop buying all these useless gifts. Wife work gone in a flash. And if this gets stressful just buy parents a single gift card.

Honestly you are debating a pointless and wasteful activity. It’s not wife or family work. It is unnecessary.

bookmum08 · 15/09/2020 12:56

I don't understand why some of you lot bother to get married. His family. My family. His money. My money. Marriage is about joining families and lives together. Why bother if you are going to lead separate lives.

user1471538283 · 15/09/2020 13:05

Just don't do it. My ex used to say to everyone to choose something he could get in a named department store. He went with his list and spent the afternoon buying it all and wrapped it all. I've got enough to do without doing it for someone else on Christmas Eve when I've had enough

WinterAndRoughWeather · 15/09/2020 13:10

@bookmum08

It isn't about separate lives, it's about how boring jobs always seem to end up being wife work, for no obvious reason. How many husbands do you know who do all the present / card planning, buying and wrapping for both sides of the family? Cos I bet you know several wives who do.

bookmum08 · 15/09/2020 13:15

Winter well yes I suppose so. I guess I am lucky that me and my husband just fell into a pattern of sharing household stuff and co ordinating things like gift buying.
I had never heard the phrase 'wifework' until I started reading Mumsnet. I didn't realise some people's lives are like that. It suprises me.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 15/09/2020 13:32

You are lucky, as am I, but I sometimes think about whether my husband's family judge me if he hasn't bothered to send a card or a present or whatever (he normally does, as far as I know). That's something he never has to consider, because society doesn't expect husbands to do that shit.

GameofPhones · 15/09/2020 13:32

Sounds as if OP has control over the family budget, which could be how she got landed with this.

TheSpottedZebra · 15/09/2020 13:42

He literally said don't bother getting them anything? But still you do.
Maybe they're a family that don't really do presents, or he really would prefer to not buy them anything? But still you do, then moan about it.

zigaziga · 15/09/2020 14:17

@TheSpottedZebra That’s the thing, and that’s why generally I think presents should be led by whoever’s parents they are.. some families grow up with loads of expensive presents, some with cheap but thoughtful gifts and some with not much at all.
I’m not saying don’t get involved as a family, but don’t just leave it to one person (95% of the time the woman) and expect it to all go smoothly.

I can think of so many friends for whom Christmas is an unnecessary stress and disappointment. They take months thinking of personal and wonderful presents for their in-laws and get a £20 Amazon voucher in return and then take it personally.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/09/2020 15:34

I sure as hell didn't get married to take over all life admin from DH. I have enough to do as it is, thanks very much.

G5000 · 15/09/2020 15:43

boring jobs always seem to end up being wife work, for no obvious reason.

Boring, repetitive, frequent jobs that add significantly to your mental load, but that nobody appreciates or notices, until those jobs are not done.

Meanwhile, husband is still resting on laurels from this one time he put an IKEA shelf up..

Danetobe · 15/09/2020 15:51

My husband is the same and I refuse to buy any gifts from him, and he doesn’t bother with buying gifts for his family. A couple of years ago my mil wrote, and highlighted, on my work wall calendar his family’s birthdays. I used to feel I should pander to this idea of nurturing my husband relationships but after that, nope, no more.

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