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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

162 replies

bumble79 · 14/09/2020 19:45

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

OP posts:
ameliajoan · 14/09/2020 20:08

You shouldn’t be buying for his family. This continues to happen because you let it.

Remind him about their presents, give him a budget and let him deal with it. If he doesn’t, don’t step in - let him take the fall out from his family.

killerofmen · 14/09/2020 20:08

He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'

Listen to him.

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 20:10

Remind him about their presents, give him a budget and let him deal with it

I believe he is a grown up. He knows family birthdays are a thing. Reminders and budgets for THEIR family events are what you do with your teenagers not your spouse.

lifesalongsong · 14/09/2020 20:11

@AdaColeman

Relax, it’s only September!

Post on the dedicated Christmas Topic for lots of ideas and inspiration!

Exactly right!
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 20:12

Say to him soon: I always struggle doing your side of the family so I am leaving it entirely to you this year.

Then say and do nothing else. Nothing.

zigaziga · 14/09/2020 20:13

DH’s job to get his side presents. Some years he does very well and some years he miserably fails. It doesn’t matter. His family, they expect the present to come from him.

Why are you doing this for him?

MsSquiz · 14/09/2020 20:15

I do the card and present buying in our house, but that's because I enjoy it. But if I didn't want to, DH would step up and get his family their gifts. And I would never buy my own gifts from him - what's the point in that?

PanamaPattie · 14/09/2020 20:15

It's not your responsibility. Stop enabling him.

bookmum08 · 14/09/2020 20:17

Don't you talk to your in laws? Why don't you just phone and say "Hi mother in law what do ya want for Christmas this year?"
I don't get this whole buying for just your side of the family only and the bloke doing his side. It all sounds petty and childish. Your're a family. All of you.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/09/2020 20:19

Why are you doing this?! It's not your job to buy presents for his family!

MuttsNutts · 14/09/2020 20:21

So let him do his own shopping on Christmas Eve.

He’s a grown up man.

Porridgeoat · 14/09/2020 20:21

His family his responsibility

MulticolourMophead · 14/09/2020 20:22

@bookmum08

Don't you talk to your in laws? Why don't you just phone and say "Hi mother in law what do ya want for Christmas this year?" I don't get this whole buying for just your side of the family only and the bloke doing his side. It all sounds petty and childish. Your're a family. All of you.
If that's the case, why isn't her OH doing any of this? Is he going to be asking her family about gifts?

Of course he isn't. This is wifework, pure and simple, the expectation that women do all of this present buying, etc. And the "you're a family" crap is just laying a guilt trip on women.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 20:27

Why did you start buying the presents for him? What did he do before that? You're not his PA ffs

bookmum08 · 14/09/2020 20:29

Well me and my husband manage to sort gift buying out between us. It's a shame others can't. There seems to be such a hatred towards in - laws on Mumsnet and all that "they're not MY family" stuff. Seems sad.

Frazzled13 · 14/09/2020 20:31

I don't get this whole buying for just your side of the family only and the bloke doing his side. It all sounds petty and childish. Your're a family. All of you.

He knows his family far better than I do, as I know mine better than he does, so why would we make it unnecessarily difficult by not just buying for the people we know best? Obviously if I’m aware MIL has asked for a specific book or something, and I see it while I’m out, I will buy it. But if shes not asked for anything specific, I almost certainly won’t pick anything as good as DH will.

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 20:32

My DH knows what his sisters like far better than me.

It's the thought that counts. If he gives his family presents no thought then it doesn't count. It is a sham.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 20:33

@bookmum08 why do you think people hate their in laws just because they expect their DHs to sort out their presents? I don't but I have enough to think of with my own lot, why would I do all his too, we both work fulltime etc

Feelingconfused2020 · 14/09/2020 20:35

Are all men like this??

No

My suggestion would be that you tell him you are not buying for them this year and it's his responsibility to sort it out. If you want to you can also tell them that you are buying for your own relatives this year as you think it's more meaningful (or something) so your DO will be organising their gifts. Then when if he doesn't get them anything they know it's his lack of thought.

WhoseKids · 14/09/2020 20:35

What most other people said, leave him to it.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/09/2020 20:36

I have suggested things to DH that I think his family might like, when I've seen them. But actually purchasing things is up to him.

AdoraBell · 14/09/2020 20:37

As others have said, leave him to it. You do the gifts for your family and if he can be bothered about his family he buys their presents, wraps the presents and gives them to the recipients. If he cant be bothered then he doesn’t sort their presents.

SueEllenMishke · 14/09/2020 20:37

No not all men are like this.

My dh sorts his family and I sort mine. He might ask my advice for his mum and sisters but he sorts it all out.

ButteryPuffin · 14/09/2020 20:39

While it's reasonable to say 'take him at his word and don't bother then' someone who's bought presents for a partner's family for years is going to find that hard. My compromise solution would be to get them all boxes of chocolates and tell them all you're just getting token presents this year and they should do the same for you.

However, one other thing I think you should do is say to him 'Since I usually buy my own present, let's both do that for ourselves this year'. Because I bet you buy him presents even though he doesn't buy for you. Change that. He ought to be the one that loses out under this system.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2020 20:39

If you choose to act like his mom, you can't really moan when he acts like a child. Stop doing his Mommy jobs. DS needs new to buy presents for hum, he's 5. DH, 45, doesn't

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