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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

162 replies

bumble79 · 14/09/2020 19:45

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

OP posts:
MomToTwoBabas · 14/09/2020 20:40

My partners like this so his side of the family get nothing. I buy all of mine and might get his parents maybe a box of chocs if we are going there boxing day but that would be it. I'm not shopping for him like his mum he doesnt help or contribute towards my families gifts.

user1487194234 · 14/09/2020 20:42

I would never consider getting involved in presents for my DH's family or expect him to do so

FishPalace · 14/09/2020 20:43

So let him shop on Christmas Eve and forget his mother’s birthday? Adulthood beckons...

Coldcough · 14/09/2020 20:43

A vagina does not equal card and present buying.

AliMonkey · 14/09/2020 20:45

I assume these are gifts from both of you? If so, agree with the above, it's his responsibility. But like me you probably like things to be organised and hate to think of getting to Christmas Eve with nothing bought. Personally, as I work PT and DH works FT, I often help out by buying the gifts for his nieces/nephews as they are similar age to ours so it's quite easy and anyway usually have wishlists to pick from. I also don't mind ordering from SIL/BIL wishslists if there's anything on there I think we could get. But I won't do the "thinking" if not given ideas and refuse to buy for MIL as she's impossible to buy for. And also presents for best mate are completely DH's responsibility. I also wouldn't be happy if DH expected me to do it, it's just that I sometimes offer.

In general, I've concluded that DH isn't as fussed about presents as I am. So he will usually buy a present or two for the DC whereas I enjoy buying for them and often "pick things up" throughout the year. He's hopeless at buying for me, the most famous occasion being when he was working 16 hour days on a huge project, left it to the last minute to buy something in the town near he was working - not his usual workplace - and discovered they had basically no shops and I ended up with a bar of chocolate and a pair of socks. He's not usually quite that bad. He also doesn't really seem to care what he gets from me though I try to put in effort in choosing things I think he'd like (usually the only things he wants are really expensive, ie stuff I'd never choose for him but would need him to choose, and then what's the point if he chooses it and it's paid for from the joint account!). I think "gifts" just isn't one of his "love languages".

MaskingForIt · 14/09/2020 20:53

OP, are you hoping that by taking on all the wife-work that you are proving your love to him and if you prove it enough he’ll ask you to marry him? Because I’ll let you in on a secret, he won’t.

1Morewineplease · 14/09/2020 20:57

I don't understand this notion of " his family, his problem."

You're a couple and you decide together. Do you feel comfortable asking his family?
My husband, sisters in law and brothers in law speak freely about Christmas.

This is clearly not what you wanted to hear, but I don't understand this notion of 'my and your's' separate Christmas lists. You've been married for eight years. Don't you sort Christmas out together?

Brigante9 · 14/09/2020 20:58

Just stop buying presents.

EatDessertFirst · 14/09/2020 21:01

Is his penis that large that he cannot get near a contactless card reader...y'know to buy his own family members presents?!

Not your circus! He can sort his family, you sort yours. If they complain, point them in his direction and feign ignorance.

MaskingForIt · 14/09/2020 21:02

*I don't understand this notion of " his family, his problem."

You're a couple and you decide together.*

That only works if they really are a couple, and not an overgrown disaffected manbaby and his carer.

If you’re a couple and decide together great, but that clearly isn’t what is happening here.

Terrace58 · 14/09/2020 21:03

I don’t find it too early. So much less stressful.

I would stop buying for his family except for young children.

I sometimes pick my gifts from dh, but sometimes he picks what I should give him. So that part doesn’t bother me too much because sometimes we want something very specific.

Stinkyguineapig · 14/09/2020 21:05

I've been with my DH 18 years and he rarely buys cards or presents. He mostly gives me money for birthday or Christmas "so I can choose my own things"
Until last year he had never bought a christmas present for either of our kids. He got in a huff when I mentioned it last year, went out, ignored their present lists and bought them books they'd already got!!

madcatladyforever · 14/09/2020 21:06

Yes stop it. I never bought gifts for my useless exH family
He could never be arsed to get me anything so I stopped getting him anything and he had the nerve to be angry about that. Fuck him.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/09/2020 21:06

He's an adult. You don't need to micro-manage him in this way. He's told you not to bother with gifts. So in turn, it's best not to bother his mind about it. Just don't do the gifts. Less to think about. Fancy asking if 'all men are like this'. Are all women the same...?

toastonsunday · 14/09/2020 21:08

Are you his PA?

Sunshineandsparkle · 14/09/2020 21:09

I may be going against the grain here, but I always buy for DH’s immediate and extended family. If I didn’t he’d buy any random crap they didn’t need or want and spend twice as much as I would in the process. I think the main difference is that if I told him to sort them out, he would do it. Have a serious chat with him as he’s taking the mick.

topcat2014 · 14/09/2020 21:09

Just agree to not get any presents for any adults. So much easier all round.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 14/09/2020 21:09

Well, not all men are like that. We actually go out shopping together for all the presents after sitting down and discussing ideas for both families. We help each other out with ideas.

My DH chooses my present and I choose his. I would even prefer him to get it wrong from time to time than tell him what to buy me, otherwise it isn't really a present to me.
I do take care coming up to my birthday and Christmas not to comment on things I see just in case he buys things that I think are nice but not that I'd actually want.

bookmum08 · 14/09/2020 21:11

Arya I meant Mumsnet in general not just present buying. In Mumsnet world the in - laws always seem to be awful people and not considered to be part of your family. They are HIS family. I just find that quite sad. I talk to my mother in law, my husband talks to my mum. Shock horror.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 21:12

@1Morewineplease seems more like a case of the OP buying for everyone with no help or input from the man

GoatCheeseTart · 14/09/2020 21:14

I don't get this whole buying for just your side of the family only and the bloke doing his side. It all sounds petty and childish. Your're a family. All of you.

Don't you sort Christmas out together?

So your DHs call your mums to ask what they want for xmas? Write cards to your great aunt Mildred and remember to ask your sister what your niece would like?

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 21:15

@bookmum08 I really like DHs family (his mom is dead though and I never knew her) my issue with this topic is not about liking or disliking the in laws, its about lazy sexist men who just expect their wives to look after all this stuff just because they're a woman, thankfully my own husband is neither lazy nor sexist!

blanchmange50 · 14/09/2020 21:18

My OH always got his own family presents. However if was annoyed with them it was reflected in his gifts. It became embarrassing at christmas when exchanging gifts and typically it was 'my' fault as the female. He bought his mother a tin opener and she was very upset and at that point i realised if i didnt sort this out i would be made out to be the evil DIL. So I told him if he wanted to start acting like an arse I would sort the presents out. I spent a fortune on his mother the following year (not his dad as he is an arse) and he picked the reins back up and is now doing what he always did and took some time and thought over his own family albeit on christmas eve... leave your DP to not bother this year and see what comes back at you both..

clary · 14/09/2020 21:20

Op I used to do this. It got to the point where I was wondering what to buy DH's 19yo godchild whom I barely know...I decided a few years ago to stop. I to,d him (early) that I wasn't buying gifts for grown adults I don't know and am not related to; he was welcome to give them £20 or buy a voucher.

He still asked me that year (and in years since) what I had got them - I have stood firm.

Did the same with chr cards - not sent one to his second cousin whom I have barely met. He said, well, you might not get one from them! Fine by me!

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 14/09/2020 21:20

In Mumsnet world the in - laws always seem to be awful people and not considered to be part of your family.
I love my in-laws and consider them to be part of my family. In real life virtually all of my friends get on with their in-laws too. Only on MN.....

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