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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

162 replies

bumble79 · 14/09/2020 19:45

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

OP posts:
Leaannb · 14/09/2020 21:21

When did you become this man's social secretary? Make him buy his own gifts. If he doesn't buy his families gifts and they say something....At his age he should know better.

romany4 · 14/09/2020 21:23

I decided when I married my DH that we would each do our own families.
I'm one of 6 kids. He's one of 8.
We've been married 30 years. My family gets gifts and cards each year. His family get nothing.
Not my problem

MsEllany · 14/09/2020 21:24

If I’m out and he asks me to pick up XYZ for his family I do. Otherwise, I don’t ask and he is in charge of buying for his family, just like I’m in charge of buying for mine.

Take him at his word and don’t get anything.

bookmum08 · 14/09/2020 21:24

GoatsCheese no but we (husband and I) communicate with each other and I might say I have ordered a book for my sister and could he collect it and while he is there get a voucher for so and so. I see stuff in the shops that I know my mother in law will like (because I talk to her and know what she likes). My husband will see things in the shops that he might think my Dad or Sister might like.
We (the two families combined) just talk to each other and co ordinate and communicate. But then again we don't spend as much as many Mumsnet folks seem to. Its £20 tops each usually. So there is no worrying if the £50 random scarf I might buy for a sister in law (which seems to be a big Mumsnet thing) might not be liked. We talk to each other and don't buy random stuff that someone 'might' like.

zigaziga · 14/09/2020 21:24

I do actually think some women really like taking over the present buying - enabling them men to step back forever.
One of my friends started doing all the present buying for her then BF, now DH, at university when they’d been together for six months!!! Maybe it made her feel like a real grown up or something?

I really don’t know why women decide this is their job. I get that if you’ve been doing it for twenty years it’s hard to stop but why do people start?

goose1964 · 14/09/2020 21:29

We share present buying , He does FiL and keeps his eye on for my dad(has enough money to buy anything he wants) and I do MiL and my sister and BiL.

Sh05 · 14/09/2020 21:30

I do all the present buying in our family solely because I love browsing and finding things that my recipients will like/ want/use. As my children have grown up they'll point out things for their aunts and uncle and we will buy and wrap them together. They enjoy taking part and being able to say they helped choose certain gifts.
DH rarely remembers what we gave in the past and always seems so surprised when the gifts are unwrapped even though my older DC show him and tell him what we've bought.

If I left DH to it he would just give them all money on the day. He doesn't see the point in fussing around gifts and thinks money is always better.

canonlydoblue · 14/09/2020 21:33

My husband and I have been married ten years. I know his family well and enjoy buying presents for them. He gives me his card and I choose the presents. We're both happy with that arrangement.

BogRollBOGOF · 14/09/2020 21:38

I solved this problem by having a Christmas baby Grin
Unpleasant pregnancy involving SPD, so I was not doing shops. Normally we'd shop together. The females in the family had jewellry made for them. The internet saw to a few other presents including children. DH had two presents to buy... mine and BiL''s as BiL is the kind of person you need to browse for.

DH failed. He left it to the last minute... baby came a little early with lots of drama. The last few days before Christmas were taken up with hospital visits.

BiL took it well and we entered a mutual agreement not to buy presents for adults which was a much better arrangement.

The only adult persent we buy is DM (MiL abroad and not bothered anyway).

Original poster
bumble79 · 14/09/2020 21:40

Thanks all. He does pay for the gifts! We have a joint account so I guess we both do! 🤣 I really wouldn't mind so much if he give some input!!

I'm not sure how he managed before I did it tbh.

He bought me an iPad on our first Christmas together so I know he's not completely incapable but I know we can no longer afford that kind of thing 🤣

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 14/09/2020 21:56

Well he's not giving you input, so stop doing it. Simple.

Pollyputthepizzaon · 14/09/2020 21:58

Is this a thing? Does he buy all the gifts for your family from you?

Why are you buying gifts for a grown adult to give his family? Stop.

1Morewineplease · 14/09/2020 22:01

I’m utterly gobsmacked by this thread.
We are a family and we discuss Christmas together. ( Clearly in a minority.)

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/09/2020 22:03

You have fallen into the wifework trap. This thread is the rescue ladder. Climb out and let him crack on with buying his own family their gifts.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/09/2020 22:04

@1Morewineplease

I’m utterly gobsmacked by this thread. We are a family and we discuss Christmas together. ( Clearly in a minority.)

@1Morewineplease did you miss the bit where OP did discuss it with him and he grunted at her?

bookmum08 · 14/09/2020 22:07

To be honest though I don't give much input to what Xmas food is bought other than "ooh I would love to have a cheesecake" because I am not interested. I would be quite happy to have cheese on toast on Xmas day. I am not interested in food. It's fuel.
So I leave that Christmas 'job' to my husband.

seven201 · 14/09/2020 22:15

Fuck that. Just stop. Problem solved.

HMSSophie · 14/09/2020 22:16

And your response to the almost universal "don't do it" response is what, OP?!

TempestHayes · 14/09/2020 22:18

I do not buy gifts for other people's families. They are his family, so he buys their gifts.

Do not become one of those martyr women who scuttle about doing all their work for them.

Cockadoodledooo · 14/09/2020 22:38

No, all men are not like this. There is no obligation on you to do this unless you want to. I don't for dh's family.

Giraffey1 · 14/09/2020 22:42

Leave him to it. You are not his secretary or PA. Tell him firmly you aren’t going to be buying his family gifts or cards any more. And don’t mention it again.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 14/09/2020 22:42

I truly love my in-laws. Love spending time with them love being with them through Christmas. But I didn't marry a useless lump, I married a man who doesn't think that buying and wrapping presents is beneath him. He buys for his side, I buy for mine. We might help each other out with ideas or the actual purchasing but the responsibility lies with us for our own sides.This year (just a few days ago) he pointed out that we should split the god children too so that I didn't do them all.

purpledagger · 14/09/2020 22:44

I buy all the gifts for both sides of the family, but I will talk through suggestions with OH for his side.

I have my OH well trained in that if he doesn't like any of my suggestions and doesn't come up with any better ones himself, he can sort out presents himself.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2020 22:45

"my husband is so lazy he can't be bothered to even give an idea what his family want for Christmas, isn't he just the cutest!!"

WinterAndRoughWeather · 14/09/2020 22:45

I don’t even know when my in-laws’ birthdays are. I don’t get involved, not even for the Christmas cards. Especially as his family are really into exchanging gifts (which no-one actually wants), while mine are not. I don’t even want to hear about it.

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