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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

281 replies

SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:00

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

OP posts:
Dashel · 14/09/2020 20:21

Unless I was a very high earner then it would be a massive no from me too.

You have a DC and savings for them and your pension. I don’t know anyone that pays their families bills younger to older, except taking a grandparent out to lunch or buying regular toiletries and small luxuries like good chocolates to elderly relatives particularly those in care homes.

MiriamMargo · 14/09/2020 20:24

seriously who do they think they are !!, I am your parents age, and I wouldn't dream of asking my kids for money. No absolutely not do not be guilt tripped into this, they are not your responsibility !

Happynow001 · 14/09/2020 20:29

I hope you squash that greedy and manipulative attitude VERY clearly @SoftChewyFoods!!

Why on Earth would you feel guilty about, very sensibly, pushing back on this daft idea? Assuming they're in reasonable health they should put their hands back in their pockets and pay for their own lives rather than holding them out to you. Unless you've secretly won the lottery?

You are working hard for your and your daughter's livelihood and any money left over from your budget (after savings, pension are properly taken care of) should be put away for actual emergencies relating to your own household. That is not "free" money, but a buffer against your own financial needs when life gets difficult. As they will be during/post Covid, possibly Brexit etc.

Stay strong! 🌹

9toenails · 14/09/2020 20:34

The old people have just made a simple mistake.

Parents should help their children with bills and stuff. Not the reverse.

If you have children, it is up to you to help them out as much, and whenever, you can. They did not ask you to bring them into the world.

Of course, if you do look after your children properly, they will likely be a source of joy to you throughout your life, including into old age. But they do not owe you anything; it is you that owes them; your fault they are there, so to speak.

OP, try to explain this to your parents. It may not be too late.

chipsandgin · 14/09/2020 20:39

Well I will very shortly be in my early fifties and I wouldn’t expect anyone else to pay my bills, least of all my kids (to be fair I wouldn’t get far with the £2 a week pocket money my 10 year old has anyway, I suppose I could plunder his birthday money but that’s really just not on..).

How fucking entitled are they!? I’d tell them to get a grip and work like the rest of us until they either retire or make enough money to retire early.

Also ‘my time of life’ 🙄 that’s ridiculous, are they planning on trotting that out that for the next 40 years!? I’d them it’s at least 20 years too early for that kind of ‘at my age’ bollocks, just let them know 50’s is the new 30’s & you paying their bills is not ‘a thing‘ so you don’t want to hear anymore of that nonsense thanks all the same, now jog on..

Beautiful3 · 14/09/2020 20:41

Seriously your main priority is your child, not your parents. If you start this, it will escalate. Stay out of it, say no. I hope you feel strong enough to refuse.

Jeaniealogy · 14/09/2020 20:44

I earn less than all my three adult kids but regularly sub them if they need it...my outgoings are low and mortgage paid off.. they have high rents and mortgages and babies... your parents are freeloaders

iklboo · 14/09/2020 20:44

If you really want to tell them:

'Of course. Let me just get the money out of the bank of My Arse'.

maggiecate · 14/09/2020 20:44

If anything this is the time when any left over cash should be going into savings - with aging parents and a sibling that’s not able to work it’s more sensible to be building a cushion in case you have to provide emergency support in the future, not fund what sounds like a lifestyle choice now. If they’re in their early 50s they’re looking at least another 30 years life expectancy! What happens when she retires? Do you pay forevermore?

romany4 · 14/09/2020 20:44

I'm nearly 50 and would never expect my kids to pay my bills!
That's ridiculous.
I help my kids out, not the other way round

Inkpaperstars · 14/09/2020 20:47

No way. Don't set any precedent. People are working into their seventies now and many in their early fifties have young children.
Absolutely outrageous. If they were really struggling due to disability or something then it might be a bit different. God, I can't believe it! Maybe I have been lucky. Most people I know working in their early fifties would if anything be looking to increase their hours, especially rather than take from their own grandchild. At their time of life! Good god. Laugh them out of the place OP.

TorgosPizza · 14/09/2020 20:48

I've never heard of parents expecting their children to pay some of their bills just as a matter of course. Especially not in their 50s! It would be different, of course, if it were an emergency situation and they physically couldn't support themselves. I'd definitely help in those circumstances, but just because they don't want to work as much? I think it's awful that a parent would even ask!

What becomes of the 50-somethings who don't have living children to supplement their income? If they wanted to semi-retire early, they should've saved harder. Harsh, but true.

Brigante9 · 14/09/2020 20:48

Your parent sounds horrible. Why on earth should your dd miss out so they can ‘slow down’ in their 50s? I know plenty of people who are still working full time in their late 60s.

MirandaMarple · 14/09/2020 20:48

YANBU. My husband is 52 and certainly would not expect someone else to pay his bills. He has years of work left yet.

Inkpaperstars · 14/09/2020 20:49

Btw the emotional blackmail...you have much bigger problems than them wanting money as I am sure you know. I know this is very MN but I would keep contact minimal.

TrickyD · 14/09/2020 20:51

More appropriate for parents to help their children out with bills than the other way round..

DidoAtTheLido · 14/09/2020 20:51

I am in my v early sixties and still full of beans and working.

It would be NICE to retire and have someone else pay my bills but I would be horrified at my children subsidising me rather than adding to their savings or pension or enjoying their lives to the full. I wouldn't allow them to subsidise me, even if they wanted to. Unless they won a supermillions lottery win or something.

When you have young kids is NOT the time to be supporting parents financially!

I have paid for a couple of things for my parents, but they are frail, helpless and broke. And I am mature now and financially stable.

Standrewsschool · 14/09/2020 20:53

I’m in my early 50s and don’t expect my non-resident son to help with bills. Different if you were living with them.

DidoAtTheLido · 14/09/2020 20:53

“But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out”

This is emotional manipulation and blackmail - it is a personality-based relationship problem, not a financial one.

Redglitter · 14/09/2020 20:57

manage to pay all their bills without much worry

If that's the case why are you even considering financing them

CathyorClaire · 14/09/2020 20:58

No.

They are CF's for even dreaming of asking this.

BrummyMum1 · 14/09/2020 20:59

I have honestly never heard of anyone paying their parents bills when their parents are able to work.

bakereld · 14/09/2020 21:02

Don't give them a dime. You don't owe your parents anything. They are entitled and rude.

My irresponsible dad tried asking me for money when I was in my early 20's, he clearly didn't like my reply, and hasn't asked since. Put your foot down OP or they will keep asking.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 14/09/2020 21:03

I'm 56 and paying dd2's rent as she's completing a Masters. Dd1 and her buy me dinner sometimes when I go to meet them which is lovely (or sometimes I/we pay, ds bought Mothers Day lunch last year.

Unless I was ill, I can't imagine relying on my dc for a good while yet or ever (my df is 92 and financially independent though he often slips the student children a couple of hundred).

It's 2020. People work longer.

Joeblack066 · 14/09/2020 21:06

I’m 57, and would never, ever put this onto any of my children! As a sole wage earner it can sometimes be tight but I’d help them rather that the other way round! X