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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

281 replies

SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:00

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 14/09/2020 22:31

Don't.

SuitedandBooted · 14/09/2020 22:34

This is abusive, emotional blackmail.

The most important person in all this is your child. They are your number one priority. You should be spending money on (and saving for) for her, particularly as you are the only parent she has, with a fairly modest income.

Perfectly capable, middle-aged parents are waaaaay down the list.

Is this a cultural thing? The only time I have encountered it was when we had a lodger from a very WC northern background. She used to send her parents money, even though she only had a modest office job., and they weren't what I would call poor. I'm from Wales, and had never heard the like!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/09/2020 22:35

No of course you don't pay their bills!

D you have savings/a pension?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/09/2020 22:51

In twenty years maybe! - or if it was the parent supporting the dependent brother.

BackforGood · 14/09/2020 22:52

@SoftChewyFoods Will you please come back and explain to us why this is even a question / why there is even any niggle in your mind that you perhaps ought to be doing this ?
As you will see from so many replies, this is just beyond comprehension for most of us that this would be considered for even 10 seconds. Confused

DblEspresso · 14/09/2020 22:54

It depends. How was your childhood? For a caring parent who indulged some of your "wants" as a child, its not unreasonable to help out financially if you can afford it. If you were kicked out of the house at 16 then don't.

DalzielandPaxo · 14/09/2020 22:54

What the fuck?! Where in the world is it expected that we have to start paying for our parents?!

Thinkpinkstink · 14/09/2020 22:58

Firstly YANBU.

Secondly, just had the sad realisation that when I'm early 50's DD may only be 14... She better get a job, pronto, if I'm going to start slowing down a bit.

GabsAlot · 14/09/2020 23:05

cant wait to tell dsd shes gonna start paying our bills

how ridisculous

SBTLove · 14/09/2020 23:07

I never come across these cheeky fucks in real life!
Early 50s and expect their daughter to subsidise them working part time?
I’m struggling to believe anyone would ask this.

Heffalooomia · 14/09/2020 23:14

You should reply 'and if you loved me you wouldn't be trying to steal my money and emotionally blackmail me'

gumball37 · 14/09/2020 23:40

Don't pay their bills.

Also... I'm a single mom working part time raising 3 kids (in the US... So differences obviously). I make a good hourly wage... Which is why I was able to do this.... But... That said... 2 adults with no one to support should be able to work part time and pay their own bills.

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 23:44

I think the most obvious question for me OP, is why you believe this request should be remotely considered.

No, should be your only response, close down the request immediately, and repeat 🌺

freeandfierce · 14/09/2020 23:49

I'm 51, work full-time plus a part-time job. I help towards my step children's mortgage to enable them to get on the housing ladder and secure a foot in their future. I can't imagine them paying my bills to enable me to work part-time. I'm in my peak as far as I'm concerned !

PickAChew · 14/09/2020 23:54

If your income is just above average, then you need that little bit left over for your own security and that of your dc, not to subsidise still young parents who want to work less.

SBTLove · 15/09/2020 01:48

@freeandfierce you work 2 jobs to pay yr step kids mortgages? how will they manage if you were no longer able to find them?
There’s helping ie towards a deposit but not constantly shoring them up.

freeandfierce · 15/09/2020 09:24

SBTlove - it's only for a year to help them get started, they share a house. I pay towards, top it up to enable them to live there. We needed to get them out of their mums house due to her violent husband, seemed the most effective way long term. They are both retraining to up their career prospects and income to take on the full payment. Without our help they had no chance. When they sell I get my 'investment' re-paid. The house has increased in value by 12k in 10 months so we all benefit. I'm glad to be able to help them, they are my step children.

Mintjulia · 15/09/2020 09:33

Early fifties? They are having a laugh!

I used to put credits on my mum's gas account but she was in her 80s and if I didn't, she wouldn't turn the heating on in winter. But that was my choice, she didn't ask me to.

SBTLove · 15/09/2020 09:37

@freeandfierce
What age are they? I doubt they can hugely increase their earnings in a year. You could be stuck with this for a while.

PinkMonkeyBird · 15/09/2020 09:48

They are early 50s and expect you to help them to retire to part time work? I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Whenwillow · 15/09/2020 10:05

@freeandfierce I would do exactly the same for mine. It's tougher getting started these days. I think you're doing a really decent thing.
Would not support my parents financially, and certainly not if they were capable of working.

WanderingMilly · 15/09/2020 10:25

Just DO NOT pay any of their bills. You are not responsible for their bills, nor for your parents. I say this as a parent who has little money and having to work in my older years to make ends meet.

I have no idea what my children earn and don't expect them to pay any of my bills or any other expenses, ever.

Just say no. You have your own life and children for whom you are responsible. Say briefly that you have your own responsibilities which take up your money, they mustn't rely on you as you can't do it. Then tell them the conversation is closed. If they start bringing it up again, say, "Not this again, I can't help, I told you the conversation is closed". If they don't stop, leave them to it, reduce your contact.

Heffalooomia · 15/09/2020 10:50

OP, where are you 👀

CorianderLord · 15/09/2020 11:51

Why on earth would you when they're in their 50s? My mums 56 and very much still young.

I was only 19 when my mum turned 50 fgs.

ItalianHat · 15/09/2020 16:35

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less"

This is such emotional blackmail. I hope you have the strength to resist it. IT's actually rather outrageous.

What is it in your family's dynamics that means that a parent feels s/he can even ask this?